Re: I need advice. I think my mother has BPD

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone, I am new to the group and I sent the e-mail below. I was so upset

the other day by my Nada twisting my words around, when all that I wanted was to

spend a quite vacation with my husband next year. My husband tells me that I do

not have a backbone with my Nada. So when I finally get the courage to set a

limit her she goes completely psychotic. Now I feel like I am slipping back

into that numbing feeling, wondering to myself did this actually happen. Was

this just a bad dream. Did I do something wrong or did I make her do this?

I am 39 years old and the oldest daughter. I have had years of therapy and

never once did the idea that my Nada was BPD ever came up. Most likely because

my father was always the one that center of all the problems when I was a child.

He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was 25. He divorced my Nada, went

to counseling, treated his disorder with medication and got remarried. Luckily

I was able to have a good relationship with him and forgive him before me died

when I was 30.

Question now is. Should I call my nada and tell her how I feel? or just wait

for her to make the next move? Deb

Re: Christmas Next Year

Thanks, but no thanks. Why would I want to leave Doc on Christmas Eve

and Christmas Day? What a terrible suggestion. What have I done to

upset you so much? Deb and Mike I have really appreciated that you

and Mike have hosted Christmas for the last three years. Each one has

been wonderful. I have enjoyed them so much as did many others

especially Abby I'm sure. I'm sorry it was such a burden to you and

tried to help as much as possible all three years especially the

first one with all the moving, unpacking, decorating, etc. And as I

recall, Doc and I helped at least some with the cooking 3 years ago.

I apologize for not helping this year. As I recall I offered though

didn't I? But I really felt you didn't want any help or anyone to

come early to your house. I might add that I have hosted Christmas

and Thanksgiving for most of all 3 of your lives and was enjoying not

having to do all of the work for both every year any more. It really

is a shame there are so many bad feelings among the family over the

situation of the holidays. Rob and Deb we should just forget the

Holidays and Abby and I will figure out what we want to do. What do

you have to say about the whole situation Abby?

Mom

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[Guest guest]

Hi Deb,

I can see why you want to get away for the holidays. This last

Christmas, my husband and I went on a beach vacation and are so glad

we did. Here is what I would do in your situation. I would not change

your plans just because your mother is annoyed with the situation. If

you are willing to, perhaps you could suggest a pre- or post-

Christmas event such as a gift exchange? That way you still get to

see your family near the holiday, but can go on your trip. As far as

how to communicate this message, email or phone works, but you might

have a preference. One last piece of advice -- have the gift exchange

at a restaurant. If your mother is like mine, she is much more likely

to behave in public places.

>

> Hi Everyone, I am new to the group and I sent the e-mail below. I

was so upset the other day by my Nada twisting my words around, when

all that I wanted was to spend a quite vacation with my husband next

year. My husband tells me that I do not have a backbone with my

Nada. So when I finally get the courage to set a limit her she goes

completely psychotic. Now I feel like I am slipping back into that

numbing feeling, wondering to myself did this actually happen. Was

this just a bad dream. Did I do something wrong or did I make her do

this?

>

> I am 39 years old and the oldest daughter. I have had years of

therapy and never once did the idea that my Nada was BPD ever came

up. Most likely because my father was always the one that center of

all the problems when I was a child. He was diagnosed with Bipolar

Disorder when I was 25. He divorced my Nada, went to counseling,

treated his disorder with medication and got remarried. Luckily I

was able to have a good relationship with him and forgive him before

me died when I was 30.

>

> Question now is. Should I call my nada and tell her how I feel? or

just wait for her to make the next move? Deb

>

> Re: Christmas Next Year

>

> Thanks, but no thanks. Why would I want to leave Doc on Christmas

Eve

> and Christmas Day? What a terrible suggestion. What have I done to

> upset you so much? Deb and Mike I have really appreciated that you

> and Mike have hosted Christmas for the last three years. Each one

has

> been wonderful. I have enjoyed them so much as did many others

> especially Abby I'm sure. I'm sorry it was such a burden to you and

> tried to help as much as possible all three years especially the

> first one with all the moving, unpacking, decorating, etc. And as I

> recall, Doc and I helped at least some with the cooking 3 years

ago.

> I apologize for not helping this year. As I recall I offered though

> didn't I? But I really felt you didn't want any help or anyone to

> come early to your house. I might add that I have hosted Christmas

> and Thanksgiving for most of all 3 of your lives and was enjoying

not

> having to do all of the work for both every year any more. It

really

> is a shame there are so many bad feelings among the family over the

> situation of the holidays. Rob and Deb we should just forget the

> Holidays and Abby and I will figure out what we want to do. What do

> you have to say about the whole situation Abby?

> Mom

>

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Looking for last minute shopping deals?

> Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping

>

>

[Guest guest]

Deb,

Save yourself the time and energy from explaining your feelings to a

BPD parent. These holiday explosions are so typical for this type of

family--there is nothing you can do to adequately make these people

understand your perspective because they do NOT have the ability to

empathize with others. They see everything in black and white and are

only interested in how things affect THEM.

When we try to explain and justify why we feel a certain way, it only

makes things worse. I have wasted YEARS trying to validate myself by

explaining in letters, emails, talks... all to no avail. Your words

will simply be twisted and misinterpreted as you are painted " bad, "

not to mention the smear campaign that follows when they try to act

like victims and enlist the family to be on their side. I have found

that it's much simpler to state what you are going to do and not even

say why. For instance, you could say " we've decided to get away for

Christmas next year. We think it would be good for us. " Period. To

go into details is to feed the fire the BPD is constantly fanning.

~Elle

[Guest guest]

Debbie --

What's the problem? Ignore her!

You are an adult -- Adults don't have to explain themselves and

justify themselves all over the place simply because there's a BPD

having a meltdown.

Making Christmas plans to go somewhere is NOTHING new. If your

mother can't deal with it -- is anyone surprised?

I'd completely ignore her e-mail. If she asks you directly about

next Christmas, give her a one or two sentence " explanation " -- and

if she wants to drag you through the mud, you can repeat the same

explanation ONE MORE TIME (broken record technique), then maybe

say " I've already told you. I don't need to tell you any more. " (or

whatever your words are.)

If you feel you have to explain yourself to the queen, then you're

ALSO sending the message that you are her subject and OWE her an

explanation. YOU DON'T.

Again, I ask you to think about why on earth you need to explain

anything any further to ANY ONE. Your e-mail to your brother was

plenty -- it even had justifications that weren't necessary, but

that was fine, and your brother was a NORMAL human about it.

Your mother? She's not an emotionally balanced person -- you can't

reason with her. She has no right to demand how YOUR family will

spend their time -- Christmas or otherwise. (And MY GOODNESS,

you've given her a YEAR's NOTICE!!! If I were in her shoes, I'd be

planning a cruise with some girlfriends over the holidays next year!)

Again -- don't overexplain yourself. Don't justify your family

decisions. You're too tangled up in your MOTHER's feelings and

emotions. Untangle. Get away from it. Let her spin into a

tornado. It's not your business.

-Kyla