this w/e - sorry so long

[Guest guest]

I am facing a test this w/e. I will be flying to Ohio for a

funeral - my father's niece Irene, who was like an aunt to me, and a

very beloved member of his family. Some background: My father died

one year ago. My Nada never liked my father's family, who lived 4

hours away from us in WV, where Nada still lives. She was very

critical of my father's family b/c they weren't " educated " (college

degree), and I think threatened by them b/c the extended family was

very close and interdependent (normal), and they kept their homes

neat and clean and cooked wonderful meals. Nada always said they

placed too much emphasis on food. (She only eats junk food.) My

mother hated going to visit them, and so we visited rarely. When any

of them visited us, my mother would go into a rage and try to make

the house presentable, stuffing things in drawers and under beds,

then smile sweetly and be her faky-fake self when they arrived.

When my father was dying last year in the hospice house, several of

his relatives came down and witnessed Nada being overly critical of

my sister and I, and even my then 5 y/o daughter. I guess the

bottom line is " they know how she is. " Now she sends their young

adult children $100 checks for their birthdays, hoping (I think),

that this will make her look good in their eyes. Nada had expressed

relief after my father's death that she would never have to see his

family again.

So anyway, my cousin Irene, who was 71 and in poor health but still

living alone, fell and hit her head last week at home, was in a coma

for several days, and died. It was rather unexpected and the

extended family is taking it rather hard. Irene's only child, my

cousin Debbie, lost her father (divorced, in another state), less

than a month ago.

So I feel close to these relatives (especially Irene) b/c they

always made it clear that they loved us, and they adored my father.

I am planning to go up for the visitation and funeral.

My Nada has told my sister that she will also be going up for the

visitation and funeral. Her great-niece, (my cousin), who she has

painted white and whose family she subsidizes, will be driving her.

I am LC with Nada, she lives 8 hours from me, and haven't seen her

since NY w/e when she ranted and raved about how horrible I am, and

what a victim she is (70 and " alone " ).

My dilemma is how to interact with her at this funeral/visitation.

My goal is to " not react " at all, while being polite and distant. I

expect her to say several things to bait me, such as " you should

have visited Irene while she was alive. I don't know why you're

here now " , " How can you take time off work? You have more time off

than anyone else I know " (She was a teacher with summers off, I work

year round), " You shouldn't have left your daughter home " , etc.

Actually, I have two goals: to interact with her minimally and

neutrally, and to not let her get me all upset. I hope I can

achieve at least the first. She is such a hateful bitch.

On a tee-hee, this is mean level, I'm laughing that my cousin (who

at 29 has never worked - takes college classes at her leisure, like

photography and receives a couple thousand from my mom per month to

live), will have to spend so much time with her. Hey, there is no

free lunch!

of course there's also the embarassment factor of what she'll look

like, what she'll wear, what she'll say to people, etc....I'm hoping

to do like Steph and see her objectively.

wish me luck,

Joanna