Re: What do you do?/ self-parenting/ what helped the most with perfectionism

[Guest guest]

smhtrain,

What helped you the most to overcome your perfectionism? I am in therapy now and

am extremely driven to the point of some OCD type behavior. We have just started

and she is having me learn to relax (taking 10 minutes in the morning and deep

breathing, meditating etc.). She is also helping me with my control issues by

having me give my 3 year old son 15 minutes of play time where he is in control.

We did this yesterday and it was nice. He really liked it and I became aware of

how much I normally intercede and interupt his play. What I would like to

receive is the best advice you have based on your therapy (like learning coping

skills, learning to check your thoughts, etc.). Thanks,

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: smhtrain2@...: Wed, 23 Jan

2008 23:48:43 +0000Subject: Re: What do you do?/

self-parenting

I am very happy to hear of your successes with therapy and self-parenting. You

have done a remarkable job in a short amount of time (it took me years!!!!)

Kudos to you!Sylvia > > >> > > I have been reading through the posts and

identifying with so > many > > > things people bring up. It's actually kind of

painful because so > > > many memories are pushing their way to the forefront.

But, I know > > > I'm not alone in what I've gone through and that is definitely

> > > helpful. I have been reading UBM and am amazed at how well it > > >

describes my mother and myself as a child of. It is very > > comforting > > > to

understand finally why I always felt like I had no idea who I > > was > > > or

if I was even a real person. > > > > > > My question is how do you separate from

her? My mother is mostly > > a > > > Waif with some Queen mixed in. She is at a

point where she does > > > nothing for herself. She is just letting herself go

mentally and > > > physically. I do want to move on with my life that I've

worked so > > > hard to create (I lost everything once before having chosen

drugs > > as > > > a way to cope with her craziness). But how do you pull away >

> enough > > > to have healthy distance and at the same time not feel guilty > >

about > > > her wasting away. I hope I don't sound wishy washy, I do want to > >

> stand alone and not be responsible for her in any way, but I > can't > > >

figure out how to do it emotionally. She has me trained so well > > to > > >

clean up her messes, literally and figuratively, that I am having > > >

diffuculty knowing how to do it. '> > > > > > I know I need to learn how to set

clear, firm boundaries, I'm > just > > > wondering if others have been in the

same situation and how they > > > have handled it.> > > > > > Thanks!> > > > > >

L> > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------> > Never

miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.> > > > [Non-text portions of this

message have been removed]> >>

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[Guest guest]

Kelley,

I believe your question is really directed at 'free2livenboston',

who wrote about successes in therapy, including dealing with

perfectionism.

Sylvia

> > >> > > I have been reading through the

posts and identifying with so > many > > > things people bring up.

It's actually kind of painful because so > > > many memories are

pushing their way to the forefront. But, I know > > > I'm not alone

in what I've gone through and that is definitely > > > helpful. I

have been reading UBM and am amazed at how well it > > > describes

my mother and myself as a child of. It is very > > comforting > > >

to understand finally why I always felt like I had no idea who I > >

was > > > or if I was even a real person. > > > > > > My question is

how do you separate from her? My mother is mostly > > a > > > Waif

with some Queen mixed in. She is at a point where she does > > >

nothing for herself. She is just letting herself go mentally and > >

> physically. I do want to move on with my life that I've worked so

> > > hard to create (I lost everything once before having chosen

drugs > > as > > > a way to cope with her craziness). But how do you

pull away > > enough > > > to have healthy distance and at the same

time not feel guilty > > about > > > her wasting away. I hope I

don't sound wishy washy, I do want to > > > stand alone and not be

responsible for her in any way, but I > can't > > > figure out how

to do it emotionally. She has me trained so well > > to > > > clean

up her messes, literally and figuratively, that I am having > > >

diffuculty knowing how to do it. '> > > > > > I know I need to learn

how to set clear, firm boundaries, I'm > just > > > wondering if

others have been in the same situation and how they > > > have

handled it.> > > > > > Thanks!> > > > > > L> > >> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------> > Never miss a thing.

Make Yahoo your homepage.> > > > [Non-text portions of this message

have been removed]> >>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Need to know the score, the latest news, or you need your Hotmail®-

get your " fix " .

> http://www.msnmobilefix.com/Default.aspx

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for clarifying, Sylvia. Kelley, I would love to help you and

others by trying to explain how I overcame my perfectionism. It was

so ingrained in me that I didn't realize the extent to which I was a

perfectionist. That was the first step, recognition. It's a long

process, so let me separate the sections:

Recognition

I read a lot of photocopied info that my therapist provided,

including one chaper called " The Shoulds. " It allowed me to see the

expectations I imposed on myself. I'll try to recollect one of the

exercises. I made a list of things I felt I needed to do (e.g., I

should cook homemade meals for me and my husband, I should clean the

house) and personal exectations (e.g., lose more weight). I then had

to reframe the " I should " statements in a positive manner. Instead of

beating myself up over my weight, I examined my situation as an

outsider might -- I've always been overweight, used to be anorexic,

was never taught good eating habits or the benefit of exercise -- and

commended myself for my progress -- I lost 60 pounds in 2005 and have

kept it off, I enjoy exercising 4 to 10 hours a week, I am healthy.

I've also gotten help where needed (a housekeeper) and changed my

expecations to match reality. I have stopped working 60+ hours a

week, changed to a less stressful job, and have stopped giving 100%

to my job. My 50% is pretty good too. Plus, very few jobs require

your absolute best effort. My new mantra is, " C is for cookie, it's

good enough for me " from Sesame Street. I watched that as a kid, but

I sadly never learned that part. I buy a lot more dinners out, but it

is what I need to do to maintain my sanity in a situation where my

husband and I both work 40+ hours/week and he is getting his master's

on top of that. One of my biggest shoulds was my definition of a

perfect wife and realizing that my husband never expected home-cooked

meals when we were both working full time. So I don't do it any more,

and sometimes I go a week or more without stopping at the grocery

store. No one has starved, and the sky hasn't fallen yet either.

Maintenance/Reminders:

I really have to keep on top of my new laid-back self or the

perfectionism creeps back in. In November, I was trying to cut sweet

potatoes while watching Monday Night Football at 11:15 in front of

the TV and cut the tip of my thumb. It has mostly healed now, but I

turned this incident into a reminder that I can still take on too

much. I love sweet potato fries from scratch. But they never got made

and are still sitting in the freezer, waiting for a less busy time.

Everyone, including me, needs a bit of downtime in life. Sometimes,

watching Monday Night Football needs to be the priority. The other

thing that I do to prioritize my time is to say no more often. I like

to be nice and help, but I make sure that my needs are met before I

do so.

Let me know if you have further questions. I feel so happy and

healthy and would love to see others develop the balance that I find

so gratifying. I can also post about how I was able to forgive nada

and fada and develop a different relationship with them, if you or

someone else wants to hear about that.

> > >> > > I have been reading through the

> posts and identifying with so > many > > > things people bring up.

> It's actually kind of painful because so > > > many memories are

> pushing their way to the forefront. But, I know > > > I'm not alone

> in what I've gone through and that is definitely > > > helpful. I

> have been reading UBM and am amazed at how well it > > > describes

> my mother and myself as a child of. It is very > > comforting > > >

> to understand finally why I always felt like I had no idea who I >

>

> was > > > or if I was even a real person. > > > > > > My question

is

> how do you separate from her? My mother is mostly > > a > > > Waif

> with some Queen mixed in. She is at a point where she does > > >

> nothing for herself. She is just letting herself go mentally and >

>

> > physically. I do want to move on with my life that I've worked so

> > > > hard to create (I lost everything once before having chosen

> drugs > > as > > > a way to cope with her craziness). But how do

you

> pull away > > enough > > > to have healthy distance and at the same

> time not feel guilty > > about > > > her wasting away. I hope I

> don't sound wishy washy, I do want to > > > stand alone and not be

> responsible for her in any way, but I > can't > > > figure out how

> to do it emotionally. She has me trained so well > > to > > > clean

> up her messes, literally and figuratively, that I am having > > >

> diffuculty knowing how to do it. '> > > > > > I know I need to

learn

> how to set clear, firm boundaries, I'm > just > > > wondering if

> others have been in the same situation and how they > > > have

> handled it.> > > > > > Thanks!> > > > > > L> > >> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > ---------------------------------> > Never miss a thing.

> Make Yahoo your homepage.> > > > [Non-text portions of this message

> have been removed]> >>

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > _________________________________________________________________

> > Need to know the score, the latest news, or you need your

Hotmail®-

> get your " fix " .

> > http://www.msnmobilefix.com/Default.aspx

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

,

I would really appreciate it if you did a post about how you managed

forgiveness. Thank you.

Sylvia

....... I can also post about how I was able to forgive nada

> and fada and develop a different relationship with them, if you or

> someone else wants to hear about that.

>

......

[Guest guest]

Dear free2livenboston,

Thanks for sharing your realizations regarding your perfectionistic tendencies.

I would like to hear your take on forgiving your nada and fada. I just recently

'woke up' to the dysfunctional relationship I've had with mine -- and realized

that I was killing myself by always being the one who was wrong and trying to

meet unrealistic expectations (mostly mine) and those I took on from a

self-absorbed father. My protection from getting 're-absorbed' is to stay angry

at them. Otherwise I think I'll fall back into the snare. It's uncomfortable

to me, as I like to be loving and peaceful - - but that seems dangerous to me

now. Not sure if this makes any sense at all..... I'm wanting to be able to

take care of myself with healthy boundaries, while still being peaceful and

forgiving -- any thoughts?

thanks-

AZClown

Re: What do you do?/ self-parenting/ what helped

the most with perfectionism

Thanks for clarifying, Sylvia. Kelley, I would love to help you and

others by trying to explain how I overcame my perfectionism. It was

so ingrained in me that I didn't realize the extent to which I was a

perfectionist. That was the first step, recognition. It's a long

process, so let me separate the sections:

Recognition

I read a lot of photocopied info that my therapist provided,

including one chaper called " The Shoulds. " It allowed me to see the

expectations I imposed on myself. I'll try to recollect one of the

exercises. I made a list of things I felt I needed to do (e.g., I

should cook homemade meals for me and my husband, I should clean the

house) and personal exectations (e.g., lose more weight). I then had

to reframe the " I should " statements in a positive manner. Instead of

beating myself up over my weight, I examined my situation as an

outsider might -- I've always been overweight, used to be anorexic,

was never taught good eating habits or the benefit of exercise -- and

commended myself for my progress -- I lost 60 pounds in 2005 and have

kept it off, I enjoy exercising 4 to 10 hours a week, I am healthy.

I've also gotten help where needed (a housekeeper) and changed my

expecations to match reality. I have stopped working 60+ hours a

week, changed to a less stressful job, and have stopped giving 100%

to my job. My 50% is pretty good too. Plus, very few jobs require

your absolute best effort. My new mantra is, " C is for cookie, it's

good enough for me " from Sesame Street. I watched that as a kid, but

I sadly never learned that part. I buy a lot more dinners out, but it

is what I need to do to maintain my sanity in a situation where my

husband and I both work 40+ hours/week and he is getting his master's

on top of that. One of my biggest shoulds was my definition of a

perfect wife and realizing that my husband never expected home-cooked

meals when we were both working full time. So I don't do it any more,

and sometimes I go a week or more without stopping at the grocery

store. No one has starved, and the sky hasn't fallen yet either.

Maintenance/ Reminders:

I really have to keep on top of my new laid-back self or the

perfectionism creeps back in. In November, I was trying to cut sweet

potatoes while watching Monday Night Football at 11:15 in front of

the TV and cut the tip of my thumb. It has mostly healed now, but I

turned this incident into a reminder that I can still take on too

much. I love sweet potato fries from scratch. But they never got made

and are still sitting in the freezer, waiting for a less busy time.

Everyone, including me, needs a bit of downtime in life. Sometimes,

watching Monday Night Football needs to be the priority. The other

thing that I do to prioritize my time is to say no more often. I like

to be nice and help, but I make sure that my needs are met before I

do so.

Let me know if you have further questions. I feel so happy and

healthy and would love to see others develop the balance that I find

so gratifying. I can also post about how I was able to forgive nada

and fada and develop a different relationship with them, if you or

someone else wants to hear about that.

> > >> > > I have been reading through the

> posts and identifying with so > many > > > things people bring up.

> It's actually kind of painful because so > > > many memories are

> pushing their way to the forefront. But, I know > > > I'm not alone

> in what I've gone through and that is definitely > > > helpful. I

> have been reading UBM and am amazed at how well it > > > describes

> my mother and myself as a child of. It is very > > comforting > > >

> to understand finally why I always felt like I had no idea who I >

>

> was > > > or if I was even a real person. > > > > > > My question

is

> how do you separate from her? My mother is mostly > > a > > > Waif

> with some Queen mixed in. She is at a point where she does > > >

> nothing for herself. She is just letting herself go mentally and >

>

> > physically. I do want to move on with my life that I've worked so

> > > > hard to create (I lost everything once before having chosen

> drugs > > as > > > a way to cope with her craziness). But how do

you

> pull away > > enough > > > to have healthy distance and at the same

> time not feel guilty > > about > > > her wasting away. I hope I

> don't sound wishy washy, I do want to > > > stand alone and not be

> responsible for her in any way, but I > can't > > > figure out how

> to do it emotionally. She has me trained so well > > to > > > clean

> up her messes, literally and figuratively, that I am having > > >

> diffuculty knowing how to do it. '> > > > > > I know I need to

learn

> how to set clear, firm boundaries, I'm > just > > > wondering if

> others have been in the same situation and how they > > > have

> handled it.> > > > > > Thanks!> > > > > > L> > >> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > ------------ --------- --------- ---> > Never miss a thing.

> Make Yahoo your homepage.> > > > [Non-text portions of this message

> have been removed]> >>

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

> > Need to know the score, the latest news, or you need your

Hotmail®-

> get your " fix " .

> > http://www.msnmobil efix.com/ Default.aspx

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you freeto livenboston. I think changing my thought patterns is where the

true healing from perfectionism begins. Mine is also about control and I must

learn to give up some control especially with my kids.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: free2livenboston@...: Thu,

24 Jan 2008 22:28:50 +0000Subject: Re: What do you do?/

self-parenting/ what helped the most with perfectionism

Thanks for clarifying, Sylvia. Kelley, I would love to help you and others by

trying to explain how I overcame my perfectionism. It was so ingrained in me

that I didn't realize the extent to which I was a perfectionist. That was the

first step, recognition. It's a long process, so let me separate the

sections:RecognitionI read a lot of photocopied info that my therapist provided,

including one chaper called " The Shoulds. " It allowed me to see the expectations

I imposed on myself. I'll try to recollect one of the exercises. I made a list

of things I felt I needed to do (e.g., I should cook homemade meals for me and

my husband, I should clean the house) and personal exectations (e.g., lose more

weight). I then had to reframe the " I should " statements in a positive manner.

Instead of beating myself up over my weight, I examined my situation as an

outsider might -- I've always been overweight, used to be anorexic, was never

taught good eating habits or the benefit of exercise -- and commended myself for

my progress -- I lost 60 pounds in 2005 and have kept it off, I enjoy exercising

4 to 10 hours a week, I am healthy. I've also gotten help where needed (a

housekeeper) and changed my expecations to match reality. I have stopped working

60+ hours a week, changed to a less stressful job, and have stopped giving 100%

to my job. My 50% is pretty good too. Plus, very few jobs require your absolute

best effort. My new mantra is, " C is for cookie, it's good enough for me " from

Sesame Street. I watched that as a kid, but I sadly never learned that part. I

buy a lot more dinners out, but it is what I need to do to maintain my sanity in

a situation where my husband and I both work 40+ hours/week and he is getting

his master's on top of that. One of my biggest shoulds was my definition of a

perfect wife and realizing that my husband never expected home-cooked meals when

we were both working full time. So I don't do it any more, and sometimes I go a

week or more without stopping at the grocery store. No one has starved, and the

sky hasn't fallen yet either. :)Maintenance/Reminders:I really have to keep on

top of my new laid-back self or the perfectionism creeps back in. In November, I

was trying to cut sweet potatoes while watching Monday Night Football at 11:15

in front of the TV and cut the tip of my thumb. It has mostly healed now, but I

turned this incident into a reminder that I can still take on too much. I love

sweet potato fries from scratch. But they never got made and are still sitting

in the freezer, waiting for a less busy time. Everyone, including me, needs a

bit of downtime in life. Sometimes, watching Monday Night Football needs to be

the priority. The other thing that I do to prioritize my time is to say no more

often. I like to be nice and help, but I make sure that my needs are met before

I do so.Let me know if you have further questions. I feel so happy and healthy

and would love to see others develop the balance that I find so gratifying. I

can also post about how I was able to forgive nada and fada and develop a

different relationship with them, if you or someone else wants to hear about

that.> > >> > > I have been reading

through the > posts and identifying with so > many > > > things people bring up.

> It's actually kind of painful because so > > > many memories are > pushing

their way to the forefront. But, I know > > > I'm not alone > in what I've gone

through and that is definitely > > > helpful. I > have been reading UBM and am

amazed at how well it > > > describes > my mother and myself as a child of. It

is very > > comforting > > > > to understand finally why I always felt like I

had no idea who I > > > was > > > or if I was even a real person. > > > > > > My

question is > how do you separate from her? My mother is mostly > > a > > > Waif

> with some Queen mixed in. She is at a point where she does > > > > nothing for

herself. She is just letting herself go mentally and > > > > physically. I do

want to move on with my life that I've worked so > > > > hard to create (I lost

everything once before having chosen > drugs > > as > > > a way to cope with her

craziness). But how do you > pull away > > enough > > > to have healthy distance

and at the same > time not feel guilty > > about > > > her wasting away. I hope

I > don't sound wishy washy, I do want to > > > stand alone and not be >

responsible for her in any way, but I > can't > > > figure out how > to do it

emotionally. She has me trained so well > > to > > > clean > up her messes,

literally and figuratively, that I am having > > > > diffuculty knowing how to

do it. '> > > > > > I know I need to learn > how to set clear, firm boundaries,

I'm > just > > > wondering if > others have been in the same situation and how

they > > > have > handled it.> > > > > > Thanks!> > > > > > L> > >> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > ---------------------------------> > Never miss a thing. > Make

Yahoo your homepage.> > > > [Non-text portions of this message > have been

removed]> >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > >

__________________________________________________________> > Need to know the

score, the latest news, or you need your Hotmail®-> get your " fix " .> >

http://www.msnmobilefix.com/Default.aspx> > > > [Non-text portions of this

message have been removed]> >>

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