My childhood experience

[Guest guest]

Thought we could all share, as I really enjoyed reading Kyla's story.

Our nadas are all the same yet different, some more HF than others.

Here's my story:

When I was in kindergarten, I made my mother a Valentine's Day card

and she threw it in the trash by the end of the day. When I saw it

and was clearly hurt, she just shrugged. She was never apologetic for

anything.

I have memories of trying to entertain myself my entire childhood, no

memories at all of my parents playing with me. I learned early on

that I was a nuisance and nobody wanted to spend time with me.

I never had a say in what movie we went to see; we saw movies that

were not age appropriate because my parents wanted to see them, like

Bond when I was 8 or 9, but they would not take me to see Grease

no matter how much I begged.

I always felt like my feelings and desires did not matter. My father

was working or busy and my mother would humor me when I talked to her,

but usually with an eye roll and a bored look on her face. I never

felt like anyone was happy to see me.

She would even tell me " don't wear out your welcome " almost every time

I went to the neighbor's house, letting me know that everyone would

find me annoying.

When my need to use the restroom interfered with what my nada was

doing, I was left to poop my pants and it was still not enough of an

emergency for her to take me to the bathroom when I told her what

happened.

A pedophile stalked me and chased me home, and when I told my mother,

she told me to set the table; she didn't call the police or seem to

believe me.

She exploded over minor things, dug through my trash, shamed me for

throwing a sliver of soap out, read my diary, told me I'd just gain it

back when I lost weight, laughed at me when I was hurting. Wouldn't

take me to the gynecologist when I had horrible periods (turned out I

had endometriosis). Years later, when the Dr. cut me open and told

her I must have been in terrible pain, THEN she believed me.

I could not know what would make her explode. If traffic was bad,

she'd scream at me. Sometimes I would brace for an explosion that

would not come. I was always on alert.

She had the uncanny ability to invade me and ignore me all at the same

time.

She always expected the worst from me, thought I was a liar and doing

drugs though I was really a pretty " good " kid. Mooned over my brother

and exclaimed he was her favorite while looking at me for a hurt

reaction. Pitted my brother against me. Told me my father

practically forced her to have sex with him. Tried to get me on her

side in their conflicts too. Badmouthed other family members to me,

especially those closest to my age.

For years, I excused her yelling at me as being because she hated her

job, but I always felt like she hated me too.

Other than that, dinner was always on the table and the mortgage was

always paid and I never went without shoes. I always felt hated and

ignored though. Her feelings were always important, and mine were

always discounted.

It was as if she thought a child could not feel normal feelings and

did not deserve a voice of any kind.

-Deanna