Guest guest Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 Hi all , I just wanted to post about something I was witness to this past Sunday. I have always felt that my nada would not be abusive to my son but i know that she has definitely pushed it in this area. this past weekend really is making my rethink how much time I allow my son to spend alone with nada. I was at the movie theater when i heard a young boy( 9 or 10) becoming anxious. i could not hear much but this is what i did witness. An older woman (grandmother age) was getting napkins and snacks with her grand-daughter and grandson. The boy was upset about something to do with his snack and wanted the lid put back on something (nacho sauce?) before they went into the theater. Never heard the older child 12 or 13 say a word or raise her voice at all. All of a sudden the grandmother starts cursing and raising her voice quite a bit yelling at them about she is done listening to all this damn fighting and she throws a bag on the ground and continues to rage and rail at the younger child making him cry. I was just appalled. I wondered if these children's parents realize how poorly this woman is treating their children? I have seen a bunch of posts from all of you talking about how your nada has a great relationship with your children and how much better they treat their grandkids than they ever treated us. So my question is this...How do we know this is true? I for one will be watching my sons interactions with nada more closely and watching his behavior when he returns from any unsupervised time with her. One the ponder... Carla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 Carla, I think you are right on target and it took me a few years to truly see how mean my FADA in-law was toward my 4 sons, who range in age from 8-18. Every time we saw him, he would say something completely inappropriate and the family would gloss over it because that's how they were raised--not to question the king. But it would stick in my craw for years! Since I was not a doting subject, this caused FADA-in-law to direct much of his rage toward me, buffering his child, my H. I can remember a time where my 3 yr old had accidentally made a crayon mark on the seat of grandFADA's car. (This child was bored out of his mind as we finished a day of shopping with a trip to the graveyard to see dead old drunk relatives!). When grandFADA saw the mark, he " jokingly " said " What the hell did you do to my car? " My child was scared and offended at being yelled at for an accident and stuck his tongue out quickly in response, behind GrandFADA's back. GrandFADA spotted him in the rear view mirror and responded " I'll rip your damn tongue out of your goddam mouth, boy! " Following this, the guy brushed it off as the child overreacting and not being able to take a joke. The child was three years old!!! They have never been close and it's no wonder. Fast forward 9 years and countless similar incidents and we come to the crowning moment where I finally put my foot down permanently. We were all at a family party and GrandFADA had promised to take my 2 youngest (6 and 10) to sleep over his house that night and then to a movie the next day. This was a RARE occurence that he and my NADA-in law were actually making an offer to be grandparently... During the party, the man had had one too many drinks and I called off the over- nighter. He proceeded to escort my boys to his car and started the ignition. I had to physically force my way into the car and take my sons out. At that time, my H was still in denial about his alcoholic FADA and his selfish, narcisstic, enabling waif of a mother. Watching him attempt to take my children and drive them drunk was the final straw and no one could argue this point, finally! I decided that day to detach 100%. No one spoke a word about it, but the family knew from that day that he had crossed a line and would never be trusted by me or with the care of my children. It didn't take long for FADA to spin out of control and with me detached and no longer there for him to abuse, he reverted to abusing my H more than usual and now they are finally NC. His waif wife doesn't even bother to call to see if we are alive-- she's such a waste of a mother. So, I do not see BPDs being better grandparents than they are parents. Certainly, they can talk the talk, but their true colors shine through. My children do not even miss seeing these people, which is a sad way for kids to view their grandparents. ~Elle > > Hi all , > > I just wanted to post about something I was witness to this past Sunday. I have always felt > that my nada would not be abusive to my son but i know that she has definitely pushed it > in this area. this past weekend really is making my rethink how much time I allow my son > to spend alone with nada. > > I was at the movie theater when i heard a young boy( 9 or 10) becoming anxious. i could > not hear much but this is what i did witness. An older woman (grandmother age) was > getting napkins and snacks with her grand-daughter and grandson. The boy was upset > about something to do with his snack and wanted the lid put back on something (nacho > sauce?) before they went into the theater. Never heard the older child 12 or 13 say a word > or raise her voice at all. All of a sudden the grandmother starts cursing and raising her > voice quite a bit yelling at them about she is done listening to all this damn fighting and > she throws a bag on the ground and continues to rage and rail at the younger child > making him cry. I was just appalled. I wondered if these children's parents realize how > poorly this woman is treating their children? > > I have seen a bunch of posts from all of you talking about how your nada has a great > relationship with your children and how much better they treat their grandkids than they > ever treated us. So my question is this...How do we know this is true? > > I for one will be watching my sons interactions with nada more closely and watching his > behavior when he returns from any unsupervised time with her. > > One the ponder... > > Carla > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 Hi again all, I have definitely seen those of you that cut off or limited relations due to the abuse transferring to the next generation. I also know I have seen at least two or three in the past week that feel the nadal/fada are ok with the grandkids. i guess I just was debating about sharing this incident with all of you and that is what clenched it for me. I also agree with (katie?) that the abuse doesn't really start til the grandchild surpasses the emotional age of their grandnada/fada. My son was frequently ill as a baby/toddler due to food allergies. When he was about two and half my nada came out to help care for him for almost two weeks. He was sooo sickly that she spent most of her time rocking him and singing to him. She was great with him on that visit. Flash forward less than a year when he was completely better and an extremely energetic pre-schooler. She was overwhelmed and could not handle his energy levels. I can say that their relationship has just gone down hill from there. She loves him but does not know how to deal with a child that is fully expressed as he is. I guess the whole point of bringing up this thread is as much for myself as everyone else. Just because nada/fada seems loving toward their grandkids does not mean we can relax our vigilance in this regard. Being witness to this incident was just a reminder. xoxo Carla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 My nada and the grandkids are fine if you call putting them infront of the TV with soda and all the crap they can eat fine. Oh and let the 8 year old walk the 4 year old, 10 blocks away to the public pool by themselves, and then let them swim by themselves even though the 4 year old couldn't swim a lick. When I confronted her, she got pissed, and said " there was a LIFEGUARD on duty " , like I was the ONE being ridiculas!!! oh and taking my baby across state line(the night before Easter, after she guilted me into letting her have him)to go to the car races WITHOUT asking me, without any ear protection, a coat, gloves. When I go to get the car seat out of their car, it has a half gallon of tequila in it, along with a salt shaker, and empty beer cans. Oh and smoking holding the babies too......and making you feel like a heel for asking her not to. I could go on and on.......drlingirl > > Hi all , > > I just wanted to post about something I was witness to this past Sunday. I have always felt > that my nada would not be abusive to my son but i know that she has definitely pushed it > in this area. this past weekend really is making my rethink how much time I allow my son > to spend alone with nada. > > I was at the movie theater when i heard a young boy( 9 or 10) becoming anxious. i could > not hear much but this is what i did witness. An older woman (grandmother age) was > getting napkins and snacks with her grand-daughter and grandson. The boy was upset > about something to do with his snack and wanted the lid put back on something (nacho > sauce?) before they went into the theater. Never heard the older child 12 or 13 say a word > or raise her voice at all. All of a sudden the grandmother starts cursing and raising her > voice quite a bit yelling at them about she is done listening to all this damn fighting and > she throws a bag on the ground and continues to rage and rail at the younger child > making him cry. I was just appalled. I wondered if these children's parents realize how > poorly this woman is treating their children? > > I have seen a bunch of posts from all of you talking about how your nada has a great > relationship with your children and how much better they treat their grandkids than they > ever treated us. So my question is this...How do we know this is true? > > I for one will be watching my sons interactions with nada more closely and watching his > behavior when he returns from any unsupervised time with her. > > One the ponder... > > Carla > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 Couldn't agree more with you KT. My nada liked the babies, and the little ones......then backed off ton's when they got older. She does see my niece alot, but fights with her like a little kid. She tattles on the neice too. Stupid and imature to say the least. drlingirl > > > > > > I have seen a bunch of posts from all of you talking about how your > nada has a great > > relationship with your children and how much better they treat > their grandkids than they > > ever treated us. So my question is this...How do we know this is > true? > > > Whoa...most of the stuff I've read here is extremely cautionary. > From what I read, the lightbulb goes off for a lot of people when > they realize their nada/fada has acted out toward the grandchildren. > > My parents, so far, are mostly good with our kids. But I will not > leave my children alone with them anymore until I AM SURE their > behavior has changed. The best way to predict how someone WILL > behave is to look at how they have ALREADY behaved. My mother is > verbally abusive and manipulative, and even though I am out of her > grasp, she continues to act out toward my sister. So I know she is > not safe for my kids. They can still see each other, just with > supervion from me and my husband. And the minute they cross the > line, it'll be NC, baby. > > > My understanding is that the BPD often acts fine until the child > reaches/passes THE BPD'S EMOTIONAL AGE. Then the acting out starts. > > > Hope that helps. > > Kt > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 Hi writermanque, I also experienced the being punished for " telling " on things my stepndad said or did to my sister and I. When my mother confronted my father about the stories my sister and I brought home about stepnada he simply said, " there's no way she would say those things to the girls. she loves the girls. " Then he would tell my stepnada about what our mother had said to him, asking her if it was true or not. She always lied and said it wasn't true. She always used the excuse that we just wanted he and my mother back together again, so we were trying to make her look bad so he would divorce her. As soon as we were alone with her the next weekend over there, we would be raged at and threatened about going to our mother. My sister was told, " when you are under my roof I AM your mother, and I'll do/say what I want. " We were often accused of being too sensitive and taking her too seriously. She was always " just joking " dontcha know. In the beginning, before she knew my dad wouldn't stand up for us, she would never reveal her true self around him. But he worked fourteen hours a day, six days a week, so he was hardly around. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I have seen a bunch of posts from all of you talking about how > > your > > > nada has a great > > > > relationship with your children and how much better they treat > > > their grandkids than they > > > > ever treated us. So my question is this...How do we know this > is > > > true? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 Hi! A huge reason my sister is trying to stay strong regarding the NC with my stepnada is so that her child won't ever have to be subjected to what we were subjected to. Stepnada and my sister's relationship has been going downhill since sis had her baby. Stepnada never had children and apparently that's all she ever wanted in life (don't know why she married my dad, who had had a vasectomy years before they met). After a bad fight, my sister told my dad that she never wanted her around the baby alone. She found out about that and the relationship has been tense at best since. After a petty, meaningless argument in May (stepnada was the only one arguing - sister asked her to stop yelling at her), Stepnada left and never came back. Neither of them have spoken to sis since. Stepnada has cut my sister and the baby out of her and fada's life (he just goes along with this), refusing to discuss either of them, and even had the audacity to turn a picture of the baby with my husband to the wall so that it wouldn't face the chair she was sitting in. We didn't discover this until after she left our house. Also, when I was talking about how much the baby looked like my sister now, stepnada snarled, " thank god " which can be translated into 'your sister's husband is ugly, and the baby was ugly when she looked like him'. Now that she and my sister aren't speaking, she comments on how fat my sister's ass is (my sister wears a size 5, is 5'8 " and weighs 120lbs.), and how lucky I am that I don't look like her (we look like twins). When sis and stepnada were still speaking, but after some fight, she ran into my sister at me and my husband's gallery. Sis tried to hand her the baby (who was 1 at the time) and stepnada turned her head and said, " I don't want her. She doesn't even know me. " On another occasion, while I was over with my sis, stepnada was playing with the baby while my sister was trying to feed her (she was about seven months or so). Sis asked her to please let the baby be for a few minutes so the baby could eat. My stepnada pressed her face into the baby's and said loudly enough for all of us to hear, " Well I guess I'm never allowed to play with you because your mother says so. " She also told my sister early on that she didn't think she could be around the baby unless she knew she was the baby's favorite, and that she didn't like sharing the baby with the other two grandmas and never would. Would this type of behavior have continued if my sister still allowed stepnada in her life? Absolutely. Would she do/say messed up things to the baby about my sister, or other people she doesn't like in our lives? Absolutely. She says disgusting things about my sister to me now. She used to say disgusting things about our mother to us in the past. You are completely in the right to monitor your nada's interactions with your kids! I don't believe that they alter their abusive behavior just because they are one more generation removed. Anyhoo...just my two cents!! > > Hi all , > > I just wanted to post about something I was witness to this past Sunday. I have always felt > that my nada would not be abusive to my son but i know that she has definitely pushed it > in this area. this past weekend really is making my rethink how much time I allow my son > to spend alone with nada. > > I was at the movie theater when i heard a young boy( 9 or 10) becoming anxious. i could > not hear much but this is what i did witness. An older woman (grandmother age) was > getting napkins and snacks with her grand-daughter and grandson. The boy was upset > about something to do with his snack and wanted the lid put back on something (nacho > sauce?) before they went into the theater. Never heard the older child 12 or 13 say a word > or raise her voice at all. All of a sudden the grandmother starts cursing and raising her > voice quite a bit yelling at them about she is done listening to all this damn fighting and > she throws a bag on the ground and continues to rage and rail at the younger child > making him cry. I was just appalled. I wondered if these children's parents realize how > poorly this woman is treating their children? > > I have seen a bunch of posts from all of you talking about how your nada has a great > relationship with your children and how much better they treat their grandkids than they > ever treated us. So my question is this...How do we know this is true? > > I for one will be watching my sons interactions with nada more closely and watching his > behavior when he returns from any unsupervised time with her. > > One the ponder... > > Carla > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2008 Report Share Posted January 7, 2008 That is terrible. And it would break my heart to send my kids to their dad's for the weekend -- knowing his new wife was going to abuse them. I'd be heartbroken watching them drive away. What ever happened to your stepnada? Did you ever get the opportunity to stand up to her? -Kyla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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