Re: Lies, Lies and more Lies--Can't live with it anymore

January 21, 2008

Dear DMacLeod,

I'm so sorry for your pain. But one thing I know, from my own pain, is that

these things truly do 'come up to be healed' -- so the very places that you're

feeling pain right now is where you can heal and find joy.

It has been my experience that these awareness do come in cycles according to

ages of our children or others around us. When I was teaching pre-school, I

went into a 'healing crisis' once when one of my young students was having a

behavioral reaction to being sexually abused at her daycare center. In working

with a therapist, it turned out that I had experienced trauma at about the same

age, of which I was unaware until this came up in my outer life. It really

activated those feelings within that had been buried for many years. Although

painful at the time, it was the catalyst for me to do my own work.

As for asking for monetary help, this will have to be your own decision. I

would ask myself whether I could receive money without the painful strings

attached. Perhaps you can. If the answer is no, you'll want to consider other

ways to solve your financial dilemna. No amount of money is worth getting

abused for. It will do far more damage to your already fragile self-esteem,

which your nada

'gifted' you with~ Your self-esteem doesn't have a price tag - - it is

priceless.

I know you'll find your answers. You have taken good care of your son,

especially considering you had no role model for what that was to look like.

Feel good about your successes and move forward to even greater wholeness.

Don't let yourself step back into an abusive pattern.

Keep in touch with us -- you'll get love and support here~

AZClown

Lies, Lies and more Lies--Can't live with it

anymore

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this, actually not. I was on this list a few years ago, but was

too afraid to share. My main problem was a BPD ex husband. But I now have

come to realize that it all stemmed from my BPD mom and my NPD stepfather.

I am in so much pain I can barely see the keys on my keyboard due to the

tears. I am raising a son who is now 13 years old and memories are coming to

me. I believe that these memories come as I raise my son and I remember

what my own mother did not do for me when I was young.Each time my son turns a

different age, I get bad memories of my own childhood. I need help.

Therapists have not worked. I want to continue being a good mom to my son, but

it's

becoming very hard. My mother made Joan Crawford look like a saint.

I have tried to communicate with my mother, but she is in complete denial,

claiming that she was a wonderful mother, and how much she sacrificed for me.

the only things I remember were daily beatings with my stepfathers' s belt,

taking care of my younger brother and sister, and watching her as she would

have weekly meltdowns, claiming that she couldn't deal with three children, des

pite the fact that she had a nanny, a housekeeper and a personal driver. It

was hard for me to read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother. Mostly

because it hit so close to home and I was afraid that I had symptoms of BPD

myself. I have tried very hard to avoid the patterns that my mother set for

me and I believe I have been successful in terms of raising my beautiful son,

but I have come to a stumbling block.

I am at the point in my life that while I need my mother for $$$ in order to

restart a new life for my son and myself, I have to kiss her bottom, and that

also requires telling her what a great mom she was. This goes against

everything I believe in , goes against my grain.......dear God help me but I

hate

her so much for everything she put me through. The days she would beat me,

the days she would lie to me, the days she would tell me to withdraw money out

of my stepfather's wallet while he was sleeping and then tell him that I was

a thief, the days when I had to take care of my brother and sister when they

were sick and she couldn't be there because she was at the hairdresser or

clothing designer. My mother was only 17 when she had me, so that explains

also why whenever I brought a boyfriend home she felt compelled to seduce him.

I'm sorry, I must sound crazy to you, but my mother has betrayed me

throughout my life. I hate her so much that I really need someone to take me

away

from the hate and steer me to a place of love and hope. Unfortunately right

now, I'm in a place that is not good. I'm a good mom, miraculously I have

managed to raise a wonderful kid, all by myself, have tried to hide my issues

from him but kids are smart and I have shared stuff with him whenever he has

asked. But it's like once I get over past issues, my parents bring up new

ones. Please help, Must I close all contact with these toxic people, and if

I do, I will feel completely alone. Don't know what to do.

************ **Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape.

http://body. aol.com/fitness/ winter-exercise? NCID=aolcmp00300 000002489

January 21, 2008

Hi D,

I'm really sorry about your obvious pain right now. I can identify

with so much that you posted. I have two beautiful little girls, 5

and 10, and I spend so much time just trying not to be like my

mother was. Mine also had a lot of help with her children and

household but still didn't have enough time for us kids, leaving me

to basically raise my brother who is 10 years younger than me.

Almost every mothering task I connect to something my mother did or

didn't (mostly didn't) do for me as a kid. As KOs we can either

turn out just like them because that's all we've known, or we can

turn out to be great mothers because we just try to hard to give

ours what we didn't get, and you are in that second category...give

yourself a pat on the back for that!! I am also trying to find a

place where I can live without being so angry and hurt all the time

when I think of her or deal with her. I find reading what people

hear have to say helpful and I do have a great therapist who

understands and helps me a lot. Maybe you could try therapy again,

find someone who understands BP behavior before you invest time with

them. As far as the money from your mom goes, if you can disconnect

emotionally enough to be able to say what you need to to her to have

the financial help then do it til you're on your feet. At least she

can do something helpful for you finally! I hope that you are able

to find some peace, keep seeking solace in your wonderful son and in

that knowledge that you are a great mom! Take care!

L

January 21, 2008

DMacLeod,

Please do everything you can not to rely on your mother's money. You will regret

it. The very fact that you're even hesitant to ask her for money tells me that

you're reluctant to do so. Follow your gut instinct. My mom & her mom are BPD.

My mother has been living, nee mooching, off of my grandma all of her life.

What's funny is that I never realized that until just recently. I was talking to

my husband, saying that my mom has always had it hard financially, that she

worked 3 jobs when I was a kid, etc. My husband said, " but she borrowed money

from your Grandma to buy that Volvo didn't she? And she lives in one of your

grandma's houses, doesn't she? She's nothing but a spoiled brat,living off of

your grandparents money because she must have the finer things in life. " I was

shocked when he said this. But he's right. Mom has designer clothes & purses.

She lives in a beautiful house by the beach in SoCal. If she didn't have access

to grandma's money, she'd

be living in a cramped inner city apartment driving a beat up old car. But she

puts up with grandma's abuse, is practically at her beck & call 24/7, for money.

It's just not worth it.

Angel