New Member, Extreme PAS

[Guest guest]

I just joined the group today, after finally reading SWOE. I bought

it a couple of months ago, and couldn't get through the first pages

of it without feeling really sad because it was so depressing to

think that my mother could really have a mental disorder - and I was

scared about my own self, because I knew I was somewhat depressed

and saddened at the thought of it all. I couldnt accept it. Once I

finally picked it up again, and read the rest of it, I felt 200

times better. SWOE is a gift from heaven...I realized all the bad

things I was feeling (FOG, Self Doubt, self-consciousness, the

thought that I couldn't do anything right, constant worry, etc.)

were a direct result of the emotional abuse of my BPD mother, and

that it was normal for the situation that I had been in.

I am curious if there is anyone who has experienced extreme PAS in

their relationship with their Borderline Parent. I have most

certainly. It is probably one of the most, if not the most, used

guilt trip by my BP mother - and I didn't even know there was an

acronym for it! LOL.

My parents divorced about 2-3 years ago, and all the while I was

living with my mother, so I constantly heard the ugliness, the

fights, and her rant and rave to me about him. She was continually

painting my dad with this negative, awful terrible person

paintbrush, saying that he didnt care about me, how could I really

want to be close to him when he had hurt her so bad? (He cheated on

her - not the right thing to do, but she did before he did - 10

years before and maybe to my knowledge multiple also at sporatic

times with multiple others even before that - plus he had put up

with all her BPD behavior for all that time, so I can understand.

But of course, even though she had cheated, he was neverending a

horrible person because he did.) In her eyes he was hateful, mean,

didnt care about her, claimed to know God but couldn't really

because of his cheating and that I should never be around him or any

of his co-workers (The woman he cheated with was a co-worker). She

was so paranoid about it just before the divorce that she suspected

him cheating on her with multiple partners, and thinking that they

were plotting to kill her!!!! (WILD, huh?!)

Of course, not knowing what she was doing, I believed her about my

father for a long time, didnt talk to him often, and when I did I

was even mean, confrontational and manipulative to him when she was

in a raging moment and I was a part of it. How awful. And he is not

the one with the problem here. He has now become an extreme, extreme

support to me in all this, since he know's exactly what I'm going

through and how I feel.

I was home for Christmas this year, and I knew I wanted to spend it

with my father, because the majority of 2007 was the most intense

abuse I had received from my BPD mother and he had been there for

me. Once I realized that she really did have issues, how confused I

was about how to handle the situation with her, and seeing how much

our relationship had deteriorated, I didnt want to spend christmas

with her. (Up until 2007 and since the divorce, my brother and I had

spent every Christmas and Thanksgiving with her) However, I still

felt guilty about being there with him and his new fiancee (which is

the same woman he cheated with) especially after me and my BPD

mother got into a heated argument over the phone about me not being

there with her on one of the days around Christmas.

I have written a lot, I should stop there. But to say the least, PAS

has been an integral part of my mother's BPD

experience/manuipulation. I would love to hear from you if you've

had a similar experience.

Since reading SWOE, I feel good, and I know I am going to be okay,

but I think there is still a shred in me that wants to deny that she

has a disorder, because I dont want it to be true. I guess I need to

work on accepting it. Its just sad. Did anyone else go through these

emotions in the initail months of realizing that their parent really

did have BPD?

Thx for reading. I am extremely thankful for the work of Krager and

SWOE, and for the forum. God bless the folks who have made it a

reality and keep it running on a daily basis.