Lies, Lies and more Lies--Can't live with it anymore

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this, actually not. I was on this list a few years ago, but was

too afraid to share. My main problem was a BPD ex husband. But I now have

come to realize that it all stemmed from my BPD mom and my NPD stepfather.

I am in so much pain I can barely see the keys on my keyboard due to the

tears. I am raising a son who is now 13 years old and memories are coming to

me. I believe that these memories come as I raise my son and I remember

what my own mother did not do for me when I was young.Each time my son turns a

different age, I get bad memories of my own childhood. I need help.

Therapists have not worked. I want to continue being a good mom to my son, but

it's

becoming very hard. My mother made Joan Crawford look like a saint.

I have tried to communicate with my mother, but she is in complete denial,

claiming that she was a wonderful mother, and how much she sacrificed for me.

the only things I remember were daily beatings with my stepfathers's belt,

taking care of my younger brother and sister, and watching her as she would

have weekly meltdowns, claiming that she couldn't deal with three children, des

pite the fact that she had a nanny, a housekeeper and a personal driver. It

was hard for me to read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother. Mostly

because it hit so close to home and I was afraid that I had symptoms of BPD

myself. I have tried very hard to avoid the patterns that my mother set for

me and I believe I have been successful in terms of raising my beautiful son,

but I have come to a stumbling block.

I am at the point in my life that while I need my mother for $$$ in order to

restart a new life for my son and myself, I have to kiss her bottom, and that

also requires telling her what a great mom she was. This goes against

everything I believe in , goes against my grain......dear God help me but I hate

her so much for everything she put me through. The days she would beat me,

the days she would lie to me, the days she would tell me to withdraw money out

of my stepfather's wallet while he was sleeping and then tell him that I was

a thief, the days when I had to take care of my brother and sister when they

were sick and she couldn't be there because she was at the hairdresser or

clothing designer. My mother was only 17 when she had me, so that explains

also why whenever I brought a boyfriend home she felt compelled to seduce him.

I'm sorry, I must sound crazy to you, but my mother has betrayed me

throughout my life. I hate her so much that I really need someone to take me

away

from the hate and steer me to a place of love and hope. Unfortunately right

now, I'm in a place that is not good. I'm a good mom, miraculously I have

managed to raise a wonderful kid, all by myself, have tried to hide my issues

from him but kids are smart and I have shared stuff with him whenever he has

asked. But it's like once I get over past issues, my parents bring up new

ones. Please help, Must I close all contact with these toxic people, and if

I do, I will feel completely alone. Don't know what to do.

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