Adult daughter---- survivor

[Guest guest]

hi this is my first time on here. Just wanted to tell my story. Im 35

and still living with the problems and aftermath of my earlier years -

--but i am getting somewhere. Ill tell briefly of history and really

what is happening now is more important to me.

My mum has BPD--- she is very unwell and has been so for as long as i

can remember. I have suffered depression since being a child and this

has continued into my adult life worse at points. Dont get me wrong I

have a great life - ive done lots of stuff, had and have great

friends and experienced lots of loveliness about life. My mum was and

is very abusive to me and she has damaged me more times than id care

to mention she is a very unwell woman with a lot of real and deep

issues. I did not see her for 7 years as i was so angry and deeply

hurt. I have had about 5 years total in therapy and this has been my

saving grace. I went back to rectify the relationship with my mum a

couple of years ago--- i was feeling so deeply lonely and lost.

Initially things really seemed like they had moved on and that we

could finally be 'friends. I wasnt really expecting a mother daughter

relationship just some contact. As time went on the old dynamics

started to ccreep back in and i was experiencing that she was

treating me as she had always done. This came to a head at christmas

when we spent a week together and the severity of her illness cast my

way over a few days and with some very harsh emotional abuse (just

like always). I now am back to not having any contact.

I dont have the anger that i used to have--- i see that i am not the

problem and that the problem is her illness. I believe that deep down

inside her she is fundamentaly an ok person but for whatever reason---

she has deep and dark personality disorder=== which she cannot hide

from me. She belives i am her dark side.

I dont say that i wont ever see her again ---- i dont know but what i

do know is that my mental health has to come formost. Really what i

would like to talk and get support for is the here and now and what

is going on for me.....

I have tried very very hard to heal and get help to get healed so far

in my life. I have suffered depression for a lot of my life and have

battled with this (common for BPD offspring). The main problems i

face in my life now are that although i dont have problems making

friends or relationships i do have problems in finding relationships

that are permanent and healthy for me. I am aware that i do have

problems with boundaries and i think this stems from emotional need---

- i need to be loved to be wanted---- . I dont know what to do i can

never seem to get the balance right betwwen being too friendly or

being distant. I find that i make relationships with people who

whilst appear to care /like me etc etc when it comes to it are

indifferent about me and if they stay in touch or not. Likewize my

boyfriends/ partners that i have been with so far have been emotional

and needy -----also emotionally unavailable and not able to take

responsibilty in the relationship----- i have ended all of my

realtionships.... i have spent a lot of my life feeling very lonely

and this has added to my depression----- i cant really see what to

do. People like me i know and i like people----- there is just

something about the types of people i am choosing-----

Im at a time in my life when i really want to settle down and have my

own family and am aware that if i dont sort myself out asap.....?

I am now on an anti depressant and feel much better so much more

normal and balanced----- i am aware that i have real self esteem

issues but cant really feel them so much now i am taking a tablet.

I just want to be normal and for my relationships to reflect this.....

can a survivor ever have a normal self esteem and have lasting and

healthy relationships.....

im either needy or distant ----- i dont know how to do the middle

bits

I wonder if going back into therapy may help---- there is def

something about my emotional health that gets reflected in my

personal relationships .

Always seems to go back to the same thing...... if i had family

support i wouldnt need people to fill this hole-----then i choose the

wrong peole to fill the hole and then i get left or do the leaving

all over again---

any advice greatly appreciated

EMMAx