Re: In A Pickle...

[Guest guest]

Hey Ann,

First off i am sorry that you are going through this, but it is great you have

figured this out before you get married. My situation was very similar, except

i never went NC with my mom before our wedding, and it has taken 2.5 years into

my marriage to realize that my mom is most likely BPD. The situation is a

little different in as it isnt my wifes mom, it is my mom, but I think it is

probably the same problems errupting. From what I have read on this board, it

is very common for engagement/wedding to bring these things out in our BPD's.

For what it is worth, I would say get this thing in control now, before your

wedding. And no matter what, form a barrier w/ your fiance so that you are one,

a front against your mom. When she says or does things that are hurtful to

either of you, you need to come up with a plan of action how you are going to

deal with it. Your wedding it too special to have one of your parents take it

away from you. My wedding was so stress filled, that it is almost painful to

look back at it, and you do not want that. Set boundaries now, and keep to

them, or it will only get worse. Your mom will bitch and scream at all this,

but it is normal. Let her do her thing, you are an adult and intitled to your

opinion and what you want to do.

I think you are on the right track, do not get sucked into her games. When she

wants to yell at you, whether in person, email, or on the phone, politly reply

" Mom i do not need to listen to this, I am sorry you are so angry, but i am

getting off the phone. I will not talk to you saying so hurtful of things. " It

is like dealing with a child, repitition and consistency is key. Now it is much

easier to tell you this is what you might want to do then actually do it, i am

still dealing with actually trying to do these things, but i am slowly coming to

the realization that who cares what your BPD thinks, we are all adults and

should not allow one person (or 2 if both parents are enambling eachother) to

tell us what we should do.

Hope that makes sense, kind of rambled there. But you and your fiance, if you

are serious about eachother, cannot let your parents come between you guys. You

guys are going to be a family of your own, and cannot let you mother affect

that. Secondly, do not let her ruin your day. If you have to not invite her,

then so be it, but you should not sacrifice your incredible day because your

mother has emotional issues.

Just my 2 cents, hope i helped a little.

T

In A Pickle...

Hi, I haven't been in here for a while...

I'm having a sort of " buyers remorse " for reconnecting with my

Momster. I haven't talked to her or heard from her in 2 whole

years. My T. has been helping me prepare for the possibility for

being sucked off to Oz, and she has helped me deal with some of my

anger. In reconnecting, I tried to confront my mom about a few of

the recent things she has done to hurt me. This had the expected

result of a mixed bag of guilt trips, a few tiny moments of ownership

for her mistakes, and then a whole lot of excuses...I' m working on

accepting the fact that she has BPD, (undiagnosed) and is DISTURBED.

I have decided to TRY to have a detached, unemotional, mostly email

relationship with my mom, to see how things go. So far things are

pleasant, I am keeping the emails light. I know it will eventually

come up that she wants to see me, etc. That is when I will get the

first test of my mettle. I will have to tell her no and why.

However, in deciding to reconnect, I have recreated the breach in my

relationship with my fiancé. He will not have anything to do with

her. He says he is concerned about when we get married or have kids,

because my mom will want to be involved…Yeah I'm worried too, I don't

want my kids exposed to her and I don't know if I want her at my

wedding, I'm undecided. He thinks she can be held completely

accountable for her behavior and should be forced to recognize her

failings. He says he understands that something is wrong with her,

but he doesn't think she can't see that she has hurt both of us, if

only we tell her and make her hear.

I really don't know what to do. I don't know how much she can " hear "

about her failings as a mother. Do I disconnect again? I really

don't want to have to make a choice like this, because I don't know

if this will even work between momster and I, (I'm still holding up

my hands expecting the violent hail of guilt and bullshit she usually

rains on me).

Your views on my situation would sure help.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

Hey Ann -- welcome back --

I have one immediate thought as I read your post: you have every

right to try and sort out how your relationship with your mother is

going to " settle " without your fiance trying to give ultimatums or

getting angry and setting down rules.

If you two get married, he's going to have to accept that you have a

mother with issues, and that you reserve the right to contact her --

even minimally -- if that's your desire.

I would want to know in my heart that there is always hope, there's

always a chance -- even a small one -- for someone to want even the

slightest relationship with us. What if you and your mom decided to

have lunch once a year -- is that going to upset the apple cart in

your marriage (That's just an example -- only you know what LC would

be. I think you can see what I'm getting at.) What if, years from

now, you found out she had cancer and you WANTED to help out? Or

you could decide that you never want to see her again. Whatever YOU

decide is best for you and your newly established married household -

- That should be your option -- free and clear.

Your fiance would be wise to be supportive of you -- and let you

decide what contact, if any, you have with your mother. He, of

course can chime in his thoughts, and if your mother is out to make

a public spectacle of herself, then YOU can see that, too.

My husband has gently voiced his opinion -- but only after asking if

I'd like to hear what he thought of the situation -- and drew the

line if my mother tried to go too far. Yes, like your fiance, he

did get angry, but used it very sparingly. His ultimate hope was

that I would see what he saw.

You're lucky you've got a good therapist and are looking at this

BEFORE you get married -- I wasted a lot of years being blind to the

fact that my mother's mentally ill.

But, maybe your fiance could ease off a little. (I don't know if

he's just voicing his opinion or laying down ultimatums -- but if

he's being heavy handed, ask your therapist if you should call him

on it.)

Testing these waters before you get married is a good thing. I

think you're wise to take a look at it -- and having your therapist

waiting in the wings to help you also shows that you're not acting

irrationally -- maybe remind your fiance of this. You could thank

him for his concern and ask for his support of YOU.

You can always resume " No Contact " or " Low Contact " -- so you

haven't done anything irreversible by offering an olive branch.

This is your life, too.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

I love your views, you are so level headed

My fiance has been hurt a lot, but he hasn't had to live with

momster, he has had an outsiders view on her behavior. He also has a

lot of valid fears, which I can hear and appreciate. He is VERY

protective of me, especially after my Father died, who we were very

close to, and my mother really went south to BPD land...

I think he would be well served to get in here and read what you all

have to say. Your varied views and experiences might verify for him

that what I need/want in my relationship with my mom may or may not

affect our marriage, but if he loves me (which i know he super

does , he will have to deal with his anger towards her and see my

perspective, which is only now leaning toward compassion for this

troubled, monsterous, painfully confused person whom I call my mom.

I've been trying to get him to read " Eggshells " . Perhaps I should

push a bit harder

>

> Hey Ann -- welcome back --

>

> I have one immediate thought as I read your post: you have every

> right to try and sort out how your relationship with your mother is

> going to " settle " without your fiance trying to give ultimatums or

> getting angry and setting down rules.

>

> If you two get married, he's going to have to accept that you have

a

> mother with issues, and that you reserve the right to contact her --

> even minimally -- if that's your desire.

>

> I would want to know in my heart that there is always hope, there's

> always a chance -- even a small one -- for someone to want even the

> slightest relationship with us. What if you and your mom decided

to

> have lunch once a year -- is that going to upset the apple cart in

> your marriage (That's just an example -- only you know what LC

would

> be. I think you can see what I'm getting at.) What if, years from

> now, you found out she had cancer and you WANTED to help out? Or

> you could decide that you never want to see her again. Whatever

YOU

> decide is best for you and your newly established married

household -

> - That should be your option -- free and clear.

>

> Your fiance would be wise to be supportive of you -- and let you

> decide what contact, if any, you have with your mother. He, of

> course can chime in his thoughts, and if your mother is out to make

> a public spectacle of herself, then YOU can see that, too.

>

> My husband has gently voiced his opinion -- but only after asking

if

> I'd like to hear what he thought of the situation -- and drew the

> line if my mother tried to go too far. Yes, like your fiance, he

> did get angry, but used it very sparingly. His ultimate hope was

> that I would see what he saw.

>

> You're lucky you've got a good therapist and are looking at this

> BEFORE you get married -- I wasted a lot of years being blind to

the

> fact that my mother's mentally ill.

>

> But, maybe your fiance could ease off a little. (I don't know if

> he's just voicing his opinion or laying down ultimatums -- but if

> he's being heavy handed, ask your therapist if you should call him

> on it.)

>

> Testing these waters before you get married is a good thing. I

> think you're wise to take a look at it -- and having your therapist

> waiting in the wings to help you also shows that you're not acting

> irrationally -- maybe remind your fiance of this. You could thank

> him for his concern and ask for his support of YOU.

>

> You can always resume " No Contact " or " Low Contact " -- so you

> haven't done anything irreversible by offering an olive branch.

> This is your life, too.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

My T. has told me that she is to be treated like a tantruming child.

My Fiance's fears stem from a situation that happend not too long

prior to my NC.

I had gone to see mom, and we went to lunch. After lunch, mom

said, " I would like to have you and Cris. (my fiance) up for dinner

one night next week " , I told her,

" Mom, Cris will not come up, you know he and you do not get along,

and he is still very emotional and angry about the way you behaved

towards him " ,

" Can't you just tell him to get over it? What have I done to him

that was so wrong? "

" You will have to ask him. You can call him and ask him yourself, I

am not going to be your line of communication, mom. "

But it was too late, she had already sucked me neatly and quietly off

to Oz...I was spinning around the whole drive home, thinking, " Yeah,

why can't he just forgive her, give her another chance. It would be

nice to have them be friends again, everything would be great. "

I don't have to tell you how the conversation between Cris and I went

down that night. All I have to say is that it has caused a fair

amount of distrust for me in him. He thinks I'm going to be

manipulated by her again and we are going to have more fights...

I learned a lot about my mom that day and since then from my T. I

just wish it was easy to convince him.

>

> Hey Ann,

> First off i am sorry that you are going through this, but it is

great you have figured this out before you get married. My situation

was very similar, except i never went NC with my mom before our

wedding, and it has taken 2.5 years into my marriage to realize that

my mom is most likely BPD. The situation is a little different in as

it isnt my wifes mom, it is my mom, but I think it is probably the

same problems errupting. From what I have read on this board, it is

very common for engagement/wedding to bring these things out in our

BPD's.

>

> For what it is worth, I would say get this thing in control now,

before your wedding. And no matter what, form a barrier w/ your

fiance so that you are one, a front against your mom. When she says

or does things that are hurtful to either of you, you need to come up

with a plan of action how you are going to deal with it. Your

wedding it too special to have one of your parents take it away from

you. My wedding was so stress filled, that it is almost painful to

look back at it, and you do not want that. Set boundaries now, and

keep to them, or it will only get worse. Your mom will bitch and

scream at all this, but it is normal. Let her do her thing, you are

an adult and intitled to your opinion and what you want to do.

>

> I think you are on the right track, do not get sucked into her

games. When she wants to yell at you, whether in person, email, or

on the phone, politly reply " Mom i do not need to listen to this, I

am sorry you are so angry, but i am getting off the phone. I will

not talk to you saying so hurtful of things. " It is like dealing

with a child, repitition and consistency is key. Now it is much

easier to tell you this is what you might want to do then actually do

it, i am still dealing with actually trying to do these things, but i

am slowly coming to the realization that who cares what your BPD

thinks, we are all adults and should not allow one person (or 2 if

both parents are enambling eachother) to tell us what we should do.

>

> Hope that makes sense, kind of rambled there. But you and your

fiance, if you are serious about eachother, cannot let your parents

come between you guys. You guys are going to be a family of your

own, and cannot let you mother affect that. Secondly, do not let her

ruin your day. If you have to not invite her, then so be it, but you

should not sacrifice your incredible day because your mother has

emotional issues.

>

> Just my 2 cents, hope i helped a little.

> T

>

> In A Pickle...

>

> Hi, I haven't been in here for a while...

>

> I'm having a sort of " buyers remorse " for reconnecting with my

> Momster. I haven't talked to her or heard from her in 2 whole

> years. My T. has been helping me prepare for the possibility for

> being sucked off to Oz, and she has helped me deal with some of my

> anger. In reconnecting, I tried to confront my mom about a few of

> the recent things she has done to hurt me. This had the expected

> result of a mixed bag of guilt trips, a few tiny moments of

ownership

> for her mistakes, and then a whole lot of excuses...I' m working on

> accepting the fact that she has BPD, (undiagnosed) and is DISTURBED.

>

> I have decided to TRY to have a detached, unemotional, mostly email

> relationship with my mom, to see how things go. So far things are

> pleasant, I am keeping the emails light. I know it will eventually

> come up that she wants to see me, etc. That is when I will get the

> first test of my mettle. I will have to tell her no and why.

>

> However, in deciding to reconnect, I have recreated the breach in

my

> relationship with my fiancé. He will not have anything to do with

> her. He says he is concerned about when we get married or have

kids,

> because my mom will want to be involved…Yeah I'm worried too, I

don't

> want my kids exposed to her and I don't know if I want her at my

> wedding, I'm undecided. He thinks she can be held completely

> accountable for her behavior and should be forced to recognize her

> failings. He says he understands that something is wrong with her,

> but he doesn't think she can't see that she has hurt both of us, if

> only we tell her and make her hear.

>

> I really don't know what to do. I don't know how much she

can " hear "

> about her failings as a mother. Do I disconnect again? I really

> don't want to have to make a choice like this, because I don't know

> if this will even work between momster and I, (I'm still holding up

> my hands expecting the violent hail of guilt and bullshit she

usually

> rains on me).

>

> Your views on my situation would sure help.

>

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Looking for last minute shopping deals?

> Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping

>

>