Trying to let go of anger

[Guest guest]

This is probably going to mostly be a venting rant, but I'm just kind

of seething and trying to figure out what to do with it (and hoping

maybe some of you have ideas--or sympathy!)

One of the defining characteristics of BPD dad was his vitriolic

sexism, and if you haven't had the pleasure, let me tell you, being a

daughter growing up with a dad who hates females--not so cool. And

the problem is, it's a hard cycle to break. In my mind, I know he was

abused by his mother, hence the hating women. He took it out on all

famales, including me, so I grew up hating men. I tell people (people

I know well enough, at least) that I don't have boys because God

knows me well enough to not give me any, so I don't perpetuate the

cycle. I'm much better than I used to be, but I don't think I'd ever

be able to be a good mother to a boy. When you grow up with this

framework in your mind (like " all men hate women because dad does " ),

you look for things that confirm it, and forget the things that

don't. I've been able to reconcile that not all men are like dad, and

good men (like my husband) actually really dislike sexist pigs.

Still, I struggle with it.

In the past weeks, I've been trying to help a friend who has an

abusive husband (helping her is what got me reading about abuse and

BPD and being able to put a name to what was wrong with my

childhood), then there's been a little uproar at a local school about

a kid who wrote a really sexist essay that was published in the

school paper (not that the school endorsed it, but freedom of

speech). I'm finding that both things are really weighing on me, I'm

thinking all the time of ways I could get back at friend's husband or

this stupid kid, what I would say to them, etc. And I know it's not

about them, it's about the huge screaming arguments I spent my teens

having with my dad, trying to convince him (as if logical arguments

could work!) that every woman in the world (and therefore, I) wasn't

stupid and inferior to all men...arguments that of course I never

won, not once. BUT...knowing this, why can't I just let it go? Why

do I still ruminate, thinking there's something I could say to this

friend's stupid husband or this stupid kid that would change their

minds? And why does it frustrate me so much knowing that they would

just look at me (like dad did) and think, " Stupid woman, she has

nothing of value to say " ? So what? There are always going to be men

like that, and they can't be changed--but these jerks are not

affecting my life, so why can't I just let it go? I'm LC with dad,

and we haven't had an argument like that in years (he actually had a

brush with death a few years ago that really changed him), so it's

like the person I'm so angry at doesn't even exist anymore...but I

still have all the anger.

OK, I'm hoping that writing this will get it out of my head. Thanks

for listening. (and of course any advice/empathy is always welcome!)

Beth