Afraid to Forgive. Anyone else?

[Guest guest]

Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about the anger I've been

feeling lately, concerning my NADA and what she's done to the

family. I've been so angry that the hightened emotion has actually

been causing me to feel great anxiety. My therapist told me the only

way I'm ever going to get over this and feel ok is through

FORGIVENESS!

I never thought of it this way. I know I've moved to the acceptance

starge, where I've accepted the fact that NADA will never change.

But I was left dangling there at that thought. It never occured to

me that forgiveness is the next step!

For some reason, it is scary for me to forgive. I'm afraid if i

forgive, I will forget, not just the bad stuff, but the few good

things, too. I'm afraid that if i forgive, that letting that all go

will make me feel vulnerable again. Sometimes having the anger

toward NADA gives me drive to succeed and be independent in my life.

does that sound crazy or what?

I'm afraid to let it all go.

My therapist told me to read Pelzer's " A Boy Called IT " . It is

the first of 3 books Pelzer wrote about the abuse he recieved

as a child, and how he came out of it.

I bought it yesterday at the used bookstore (it was only $5) and

finished it in just a couple hours. Maybe less (it's less than 200

pages). That was a difficult read. It was hard to stomach. But I can

see why my therapist wanted me to read it. Even though the

experiences of this young boy aren't the same as mine, and all the

abuse wasn't the same, some thinking patterns are similar, some

things are similar. I'm going to buy the other 2 books today.

Have any of you read it?

Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have experienced this fear of

forgiveness I have.

It has always been difficult for me to forgive people in general. I

wish i wasn't so hardened.

~Sara Jo