Thank you Re: I need advice. I think my mother has BPD

[Guest guest]

Kyla, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. This is exactly what I needed

to hear (see). In fact I am going to save this message as a reminder to myself,

how to handle Nada in the next psychotic rage. I know she will be back, she

always is.

I have been reading so many posts in the last few days about missing childhood

memories. I too have only bits and pieces of really good and really abusive

memories. This after many many years of therapy. For the ones that I can not

recall, I am going to leave them in the black hole. As I believe there is a

reason why I can not and should not remember them. My best memories now are the

new ones that I am making each day with my extremely supportive loving husband.

Questions for anyone with a living Nada or Fada. Do you look forward to the day

when he/she are no longer living? I often think about how much better I will

feel when my Nada is gone. For a brief moment when I received the call from my

sister on Tuesday night that Nada was in the ER, I had this overwhelming

momentary feeling of relief that maybe this was finally the end of her

vengeance.

I can also remember many nights as a child crying myself to sleep while

listening to my Nada and Bipolar (manic/ depressive) father fighting and

screaming at each other, with my pillow over my head, wishing they where dead.

Although my fathers death (heartattack at 57, chain smoker) was very sudden and

painful for me, I was and still am relieved he is gone. Even my Aunt mentioned

to me how she felt such relief that he was gone knowing he was finally at peace.

I wonder if it will be the same feeling when Nada is gone?

Re: I need advice. I think my mother has BPD

I totally agree. You've spent enough time out of your life worrying

about her reactions and doing for HER. It's time to consider YOU.

Telling her or announcing it in some way is usually

counterproductive: it just lights a fire unnecessarily. Pisses 'em

off. They get combative and defensive, hellbent on revenge -- and

your mother sounds like no exception.

Just move forward with a plan to handle situations with your mother

with YOUR new boundaries. Polite, firm answers as to what you'll do

and won't do -- then move on. Without searching her face for

approval, or hoping to hear it in her voice. SHE is no longer the

arbiter of mood or emotion for you. Detach: Her reaction is not

your business. Start thinking that way, and it will start to become

more 2nd nature to you. Detaching is what you need to do now.

Leaving people to their own reactions and realizing you're not

responsible for their feelings or emotions is part of detaching

successfully.

Most of us have been brainwashed that we must take care of the BPDs

emotions -- that we must fear their anger, and must walk on

eggshells to avoid disturbing the 'beast' within. While that may

have been the case when we were children, it is NO LONGER the case

when we're adults and have the absolute rights to our own lives.

Changing " dance steps " like this with a BPD nada -- when the dance

has always been a different way before -- will cause some awkward

moments, stepping on toes, etc. But steel yourself and keep

soldiering through it. Doing the best you can, but sticking to the

plan of eventual emergence from her emotional tyranny.

She's hijacked you long enough. It's time for your life and

emotional good health now. Don't announce it -- you don't owe

anyone explanations for your decisions. People who love and respect

you will understand that you're fully capable of running your own

life. The others? Well, it's not your job to hold them up anymore,

at your expense. That includes your mother.

-Kyla

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

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[Guest guest]

Really hard one for me. Yes I long to be free of her. But if there were another

way I wouldnt ask that she die, just that I wouldnt have to deal with her

anymore. I seriously doubt I will mourn her, but I feel badly for that. A huge

part of me still sees her pain and lashing out as her way to survive. She had a

terrible start in life, and as a social worker, I have seen too much misery in

families to be able to blame her .

But then I realize that I am enmeshed and mustnt go down that road.

It is hard.

Debbie Matarazzo wrote: Kyla, thank you so much for

your words of wisdom. This is exactly what I needed to hear (see). In fact I

am going to save this message as a reminder to myself, how to handle Nada in the

next psychotic rage. I know she will be back, she always is.

I have been reading so many posts in the last few days about missing childhood

memories. I too have only bits and pieces of really good and really abusive

memories. This after many many years of therapy. For the ones that I can not

recall, I am going to leave them in the black hole. As I believe there is a

reason why I can not and should not remember them. My best memories now are the

new ones that I am making each day with my extremely supportive loving husband.

Questions for anyone with a living Nada or Fada. Do you look forward to the day

when he/she are no longer living? I often think about how much better I will

feel when my Nada is gone. For a brief moment when I received the call from my

sister on Tuesday night that Nada was in the ER, I had this overwhelming

momentary feeling of relief that maybe this was finally the end of her

vengeance.

I can also remember many nights as a child crying myself to sleep while

listening to my Nada and Bipolar (manic/ depressive) father fighting and

screaming at each other, with my pillow over my head, wishing they where dead.

Although my fathers death (heartattack at 57, chain smoker) was very sudden and

painful for me, I was and still am relieved he is gone. Even my Aunt mentioned

to me how she felt such relief that he was gone knowing he was finally at peace.

I wonder if it will be the same feeling when Nada is gone?

Re: I need advice. I think my mother has BPD

I totally agree. You've spent enough time out of your life worrying

about her reactions and doing for HER. It's time to consider YOU.

Telling her or announcing it in some way is usually

counterproductive: it just lights a fire unnecessarily. Pisses 'em

off. They get combative and defensive, hellbent on revenge -- and

your mother sounds like no exception.

Just move forward with a plan to handle situations with your mother

with YOUR new boundaries. Polite, firm answers as to what you'll do

and won't do -- then move on. Without searching her face for

approval, or hoping to hear it in her voice. SHE is no longer the

arbiter of mood or emotion for you. Detach: Her reaction is not

your business. Start thinking that way, and it will start to become

more 2nd nature to you. Detaching is what you need to do now.

Leaving people to their own reactions and realizing you're not

responsible for their feelings or emotions is part of detaching

successfully.

Most of us have been brainwashed that we must take care of the BPDs

emotions -- that we must fear their anger, and must walk on

eggshells to avoid disturbing the 'beast' within. While that may

have been the case when we were children, it is NO LONGER the case

when we're adults and have the absolute rights to our own lives.

Changing " dance steps " like this with a BPD nada -- when the dance

has always been a different way before -- will cause some awkward

moments, stepping on toes, etc. But steel yourself and keep

soldiering through it. Doing the best you can, but sticking to the

plan of eventual emergence from her emotional tyranny.

She's hijacked you long enough. It's time for your life and

emotional good health now. Don't announce it -- you don't owe

anyone explanations for your decisions. People who love and respect

you will understand that you're fully capable of running your own

life. The others? Well, it's not your job to hold them up anymore,

at your expense. That includes your mother.

-Kyla

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ