But Today It Is Sunny

[Guest guest]

I totally understand the amount of posts about wanting an end, of

pain or even one's life. For me, it's just that I feel like my life is

over, which considering I just graduated from a Master's degree

program (with serious student loans), I really hadn't anticipated that

I would be in the situation I'm in, which is borderline nightmarish.

It seems to me, that the suffering is more about the next moment. If

we knew it would end, even if it were far off, still it would give the

mind something to hold onto, it's the anticipation that it will

continue or gets worse that causes so much, if not all of the anxiety

and depression for me.

It's like a study in Zen then I guess? Funny to think of it in that way.

The thing for me is just that I fall into the not knowing what to do

category. Do I invest myself and the little bit of money I have in my

career, or play it safe (and then have the loan hounds and eventually

my landlord coming after me). It's very frustrating and I fear that

I'm becoming more depressed with each day, but today it is sunny, so

we have to take that in too right?

Tymothy

[Guest guest]

Hi Tymothy -

I understand your situation, because I had just spent 6 years in

graduate school, getting not just two master's degrees but completing

a Ph.D.!, and had just started a VERY high pressure job as a tenure-

track college professor in a major research university when I bent

over one day to spit out my toothpaste and herniated two disks.

Now six years and several hospitalizations and surgeries later, my

pre-existing stenosis is so severe that they're threatening me with

more surgery which I'm refusing until I'm actually physically

incapable of walking, I have *four* herniated disks, permanent spinal

cord injuries in two places, and worst of all, a botched diskectomy

left me with adhesive arachnoiditis, a hellish life sentence with no

hope of parole. The resulting radiculopathy into my legs and feet is

excruciating. I've dealt with complete paralysis at one point from

nerve damage (that luckily resolved with a great deal of intensive

rehabilitative physical therapy and time to heal the damage), as well

as more minor but still debilitating neurological dysfunctions like

permanent foot drop in both feet. Not to mention that I went through

16 months of horrific gastroparesis - paralysis of the stomach

resulting in severe 24/7 nausea and vomiting and stomach pain - and

as a result suffered severe malnutrition with dangerous weight loss

and multiple misdiagnoses (including removal of a perfectly fine

gallbladder) before diagnosing the problem all by myself. Turned out

it was one of my medications causing all the problems. Then a med

they were treating the GP with caused Tardive Diskynesia - medically

induced parkinson's - that I'm still fighting four months later and

will be fighting for the rest of my life since it now appears

permanent. There's no treatment for that, either.

Throughout it all, I continued working. I've only missed teaching

one class in all these years, on a day I was throwing up too hard to

get up in front of the classroom. I never missed a meeting or a

deadline. I taught a full schedule just weeks after major back

surgeries when I could barely. I spent four days in the hospital

over a weekend in September last year and got out Monday evening and

taught the very next morning. Along the way, my University denied

every application I made for ADA accommodations and offered me no

help whatsoever in covering classes or arranging schedules to

accommodate my therapy etc. So needless to say, I couldn't produce

research at the level required of a Research I University, and I

won't make tenure here. So I have to give up my dream job and go

through the interview process one more time and move across country

somewhere to find another job at another university who will take me

with all my problems and my reduced ability to produce. At least I'm

still working, but it seems like all those years in graduate school

and all that potential are getting wasted because I can't do the job

I was trained to do.

It can be overwhelming, without a doubt.

The only way to keep on going is to quit focusing on potential bad

things in the future. If I start thinking about how bad this could

get - I very well will probably end up wheelchair bound - or that I'm

going to feel this kind of pain for the rest of my life, I get

severely depressed and could easily give up. So you learn to just

not think about the future that way. You actually train yourself to

notice when you're doing that kind of obsessing and force yourself to

stop it. A good pain psychologist trained in Cognitive Behavior

Therapy can help with that kind of training and re-direction of

thinking.

Meanwhile, you continue to make happy plans (as long as they're

reasonable for your condition, of course. I'm not going to be

planning to ride horses ever again, for example.) Because, Tymothy,

here's the reality - even if you didn't have injuries or pain, any

plans you make could all blow up in your face at any moment of any

day for any number of reasons! **Everyone** has to deal with that

kind of uncertainty in planning their future - that's just life - but

our uncertainty is just a little more salient than for most people.

But having uncertainty doesn't mean you don't plan ahead and look

forward to the future. Maybe it's a different future than you had

planned before, maybe you need a little more flexibility and

willingness to change if things don't work out, maybe your plans do

have to be more realistic about what you're capable of these days,

but there are still things you can plan for and look forward to. But

you can't live your life without making plans for growth and progress

and enjoyment just because bad things *might* happen - that's true

paralysis.

If you're suffering untreated depression, talk to your doctor and

insist on help. I did have to get on antidepressants for about a

year when it first because evident that my life had changed so

drastically and permanently - I don't know anyone who goes through

this who doesn't need some help dealing with this change. It is a

grief cycle, and you have to treat it appropriately. Counseling with

a therapist proficient in chronic pain management is also critical.

I was able to get off the antidepressants after about a year with a

lot of personal work, but there's no weakness in staying on them as

long as needed!

And finally, don't give up on finding better treatment for your

pain. That's the best hope you can give yourself - find a pain

management doctor who will stick with you and provide options and

work with you to find the right " cocktail " of medications and

therapies to make your pain more manageable. That includes learning

cogntive pain management strategies as well - learning things like

pacing and avoiding catastrophic thinking, for example (thus the

counseling is necessary.) Try physical therapy, accupunture,

massage - anything and everything to see what works best to make your

life better. You're not searching for a " fix " or a " cure, " but for

management techniques to reduce your pain and improve your quality of

life. Take the control back in your life - don't let the pain become

who you are. You control the pain.

As I've said here many times, my mantra is " Pain may be inevitable,

but suffering is optional. "

Keep looking forward in joy, not in dread, Tymothy.

Cheryl in AZ

Moderator

[Guest guest]

I don't have the pain very many of you do. I have the spinal stenosis and the

DDD but compared to many of you I am quite healthy. Cheryls advice to look and

plan for what I can do is something I know I can do. I will now have to

priotize things and work around the back pain. I am getting the epiderual

injections and will be going to PT soon as soon as the asthma cough is

controlled . I know I cannot do anymore mall walking with out a break every 5

min. No more mall shopping--no more long walks with grandchildren;but I am

going to cope. I am not down grading the pain as there are days the pains meds

hardley touch. I walk with a cane now and slowly . But reading all the msg

here has been a help. Thanks

leilani

[Guest guest]

--- " Lani " wrote:

>

> will be going to PT soon as soon as the asthma cough is controlled

Hi Leilani -

I also have severe asthma, but had it under pretty good control with

Singulair for years.

But when I started having chronic pain a few years ago until I began

having awful asthma attacks again, frequently. I learned that I had

stopped breathing deeply because of the pain - I was always tense and

part of that tension resulted in really shallow breathing, which

brought on asthma attacks!

If you're experiencing the same thing, you might ask your doctor about

resources for getting training in deep breathing techniques appropriate

for asthma patients. I have to make myself conscious of how I'm

breathing several times a day, forcing myself to do some deep breathing

techniques, to stave off asthma attacks. It's amazing how we

just " forget " to breathe when we have pain all the time!

Just an idea...

Cheryl in AZ

Moderator