well tonight i came to grips with it all

[Guest guest]

Hubby hasn't been very supportive lately...wanting to bring his mother and

step-father back into the fold and tonight he basically told me that he is

sick of hearing me talk in circles about the lack of childhood i had. His

exact words were

It's not that you are repeating yourself, you are just using different words

and arriving at the same place and I just can't take anymore " . Fair

enough.....but that leaves me with a quack of a therapist who i don't trust

nor do I believe she understands BPD. So I am at a cross roads...i can no

longer let it out, but yet i can't keep it in. I feel like am going to

explode The bottom !line is that I see no light at the end of the tunnel

here. I have nowhere to go and really have no one who really gives a

crap. I just don't know what to do next. I can't keep it all it, and hubby

has made it clear that he doesn't want to hear anymore.

Tomorrow my Aunt is throwing a big birthday bash for nada and fada..i don't

want to go but i love my aunt and she has supported me through thick and

thin...moreover; I have an aunt who is dying from breast cancer...i want to

spend every possible moment with her. I don't know how i will get through

it tomorrow. I literally fell like someone has declared " dead man

walking " and I am heading into my demise. If I don't end up in the ER it will

be a miracle Please pray for me everyone...I have been sobbing all day and

I feel like I an losing it.

I just want one single day that i can trust someone else with my

psychological health and with my heart. Today I realized that will never

happen. I know so many of you can relate to how I feel right now.

Tonight, for the first time ever I admitted to my husband that I felt like a

scared little 3 year old girl in an adult's body. I need someone to watch

over me....someone i can trust. I love my DH but he just doesn't get it.

You can't let your guard down for a minute. I want one day to sleep, to be

happy, to have parents who love me....someone to watch over me to tell me

that they will keep me safe...that I can relax. Nothing will hurt or harm

me....that i can take a day off. I'm just so exhausted from guarding the

make believe fences that guard my boundaries. I feel like at any moment my

brain or my heart will explode. I hate them. I mean it too.

I am not suicidal, I am not homicidal...but I hate them both within the

depths of my soul.

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny