new-w/ undiagnosed BPD mom

[Guest guest]

Hello...

I have been lurking in the shadows of this list for a while. Not sure

what to say...or where to jump in but this past week has been hard and I

have found some posts I really relate to on here and figure I might as

well dive in.

I am in counseling myself...And it was only with counseling that I came

to realize exactly how screwed up my childhood was and how it has

affected me as an adult/parent/wife. And it is through counseling and

learning about a friend whose wife has BPD (not officially but she is

text book) that I have established my mother is probably both

narcissistic and borderline. Anyway, I wrote a letter to my

parents...I sent one to my dad's shop to make sure he got to see it the

way it was and then one to their home address...my father was not there

for me and his reasoning has always been that he did not " know how to

deal with " my mother himself so he avoided as much time with her as

possible. I have three children and I am an only child...meaning my 3

children are their only grandchildren...but my mother does not

care...she has excuses up the butt for not staying in touch with us. We

lived in Italy for 3 years and because my parents won't fly, I designed

a webpage to keep them in the loop and share photos easily. My parents

rarely if ever bothered to look at it...hardly ever called even though

they got on a pay a minimum amount plan whether you use the time or not

to call us. Cards and presents have always been late...but for the past

few years nothing has arrived. Our oldest daughter just graduated with

honors from college...nothing...Christmas has gone unacknowledged for at

least 3 years...Not even a phone call. I finally got so fed up I wrote

the letter and got the courage up to send a couple weeks ago. I had

quit calling about 6-7 months ago...and have been called for very BRIEF

calls to let me know she is dying and no one cares enough to take her to

the hospital...or something like that. In the letter I expressed my

hurt in being so alone as a child...I let them know how much I felt I

was never good enough...but most of all I let them know how much it

hurts me that I have great kids and they don't give a damn.

The letter was very long...so there was much more in it. I finally

mailed it...knew when they would get it...and got an email from my mom

telling me she got the " wonderful letter; thanks " and signed " not your

mom!! " Sigh...it hurt...but the only surprising part was the way in

which it was communicated as she has not sent an email in years. What

really hurt was the fact my father has not called or communicated in

anyway. He has time to call without my mother's knowledge but he

doesn't...always has some excuse...well yesterday was our oldest and

youngest birthdays (born same day 4 years apart) and so my mom calls and

says " I want to talk to S! " I told her S does not live here and she

said she would call back later...I cut her off and said S is at her

first training base and she again said " fine I will call back later. " I

caught her and said that T (our youngest) is here...so she said " fine

let me talk to him " ...when T hung up the phone with her after a 2 minute

if that phone call he turned to me and said " Wow she is pissed. " Now

what the hell??? How could she do that? Well, I should not have been

surprised. So later in the day I missed a phone call and it was her and

she left voicemail telling S Happy Birthday and how it was the " second

time I have called. " I had my husband call and give her S's

number...but S is not answering a call from her anyway. S has nothing

but negative memories and cards that indirectly say " we know you are

screwing up but we love you anyway. "

So this morning she called to talk to me...refuted 3 things in the

letter...saying I had my " facts wrong " ...I was proud as I handled the

conversation calmly...held back my emotions. And simply responded " I

understand " to a couple of things I would loved to have thrown back at

her with adamant disagreement. I am waiting on the SWOE book to arrive

but I am paying attention to this list and have read most of " I Hate You

Don't Leave Me " and am seeing how people are dealing with

friends/spouses/SO's with boundaries. I did hang up the phone and

cry...but I am coming to accept she was never really a 'mother' to me as

a child and will never change. I am trying to NOT let her unpredictable

behavior hurt me anymore. I am trying to accept that she has never been

reliable...I walked on egg shells my whole life...I called home with

things good or bad and half the time was " bothering her " ...or got the

" you made your bed " or " I told you you were being stupid and now look

where you are. " kind of thing...But it really hurts. My friends wife is

a lousy mother...I see myself in their 16 year old daughter...A does not

trust her mother at all...wishes dad would leave her...

I think I have rambled and jumped around...but I hope to find and

provide support to others I see here who I relate so much to. I want to

be free of the guilt, resentment, disappointment and all around hurt I

feel because I want a mother whose love is unconditional and safe and I

don't and won't ever have it.

sigh...thanks for reading...