Re: Working with the reality of social systems

[Guest guest]

Why does it take being rude to achieve your objective?I don't know, but you achieved your objective. You tried the nice and friendly way, but had to resort to something stronger. And, hurray, it worked, well done you!!!! Shame they couldn't do it first time, but nevermind, you got there.So I think you can probably end the story there, as anything else is probably over-rumination about how terrible people are, which won't get you far?PS - Might try this when a guy won't leave ME alone on the dancefloor :0)Best wishes and congraulations on a job well done. xFrom: experiential2010

Subject: Working with the reality of social systemsTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Wednesday, 20 July, 2011, 0:59Sometimes it is the system that demands you to be abusive sometimes. I have been trying to get a parchment for recognition of a qualification I gained 6 months ago. As I have been applying for jobs, this parchment is relevant for being competitive. I finally got jack of the incompetence of the admin. Dept. and gave them a mouthful about the complaints procedure. I bet I get the parchment this week.Why does it take being rude to achieve your objective? It is the same when you go out. Let's say a guy approaches you and asks for a dance but you politely refuse, for whatever reason (maybe you just want to go out for a smoke, relax, whatever). Later, you are dancing and he tries again...you turn around, less rude without language,

right. You are standing at the bar and he approaches you again offering to buy you alcohol this time (a wicked potion)...man, third strike, isn't this just another example of people making it necessary to be rude?I'm trying to be compassionate, to see the way forward, but this is the world as it is...this is reality, this is what we have to work with...(well maybe for some of us)...sorry guys, ACT can't solve everything...Lou (defusing from the system...and remaining passive...)------------------------------------For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.orgIf you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may unsubscribe by sending an email to ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups

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[Guest guest]

Hi Lou,

You sound tired & sore and if so I sympathize.

I agree there is a system. As an example: I spent much of last week

having a problem with a particular person's behavior. I had lots of

facts on my side. I was the injured party & had every right to be

angry & demand justice (which I did, by the way).

So why did being right feel so crummy?

And why was I so stuck with it?

And why did my response just seem to make things worse for me?

I'm not saying my problem was like your problem. Not even close.

Nor was it like a guy hitting on me 3x in a bar. But I did

experience it as unfair and aggravating, and as being the other

person's fault all the way.

When I am inside the system, defusion and ACT are easy targets.

Anything is a target. I am the target. That's the system.

Yet I have experienced defusion from time to time, too. And here is

what defusion doesn't mean:

- Giving up

- Pretending it doesn't hurt

- Pretending there is not injustice

- Not being assertive

- Not protecting ourself when there is real danger

- Not being rude if rude works

I could keep adding to that list forever about what defusion isn't.

Llike , I say, don't feel you need to beat yourself up. That's

the system, not you.

- R.