Being drawn to suffering and drama

August 10, 2011

I find myself drawn to situations where I get emotinally hurt, like a batterfly to fire. Perhaps my mind is used to adrenaline and needs it to function properly, so it self-stimulates this way. In other words, I am a drama queen.

Case in point. Yesterday, I did an awesome haircut, made myself look polished head to toe, and went on first date with an awesome guy. Sharp as a razor, tall, gorgeous, successful and filthy rich red-head. He was trying to impress me with his real estate mini-empire, I refused to be impressed and changed subject. He was eliciting sympathy, telling me how hard he had it last night, I showed none. Worst of all, I disagreed with him on his politics as if I was just waiting for the chance to; and I really don't mind political disagreements myself. I can't stop doing those things!

Nevertheless, this date made me feel very confident and I went trolling for men, had someone buy me a drink and was introduced into a large company of men and women all of whom seemed to think I am a riot - which is very unusual for me. Today, too, I had a feeling I can have any man.

So what do I do with all this ego boost? I write a letter to the one moron from the past who would not give me time of day, who thinks I am a thief and took advantage of him, practically begging him for one last meet. He would not respond, and my confidence is in shambles, but my adrenaline is rushing and I feel alive and find this oddly satisfying.

What do I ever do with this drama thing? It's probably uncontrollable, in the sense that even if I make myself forget about one negative person or event, the rest will keep popping up, because I keep inviting them.. what does acceptance means in this case? Accept that I want some drama in my life?

August 10, 2011

Today, too, I had a feeling I can have any man.

I doubt if this applies to you, but whenever I feel irrestibly beautiful I know a mild mania is about to start up. This only ever occured when I was on antidpresants but I still have mild feelings like this occasionally which is problably quite normal, but when you have felt the opposite for years it can be very seductive. It's nice feeling but I take it with a pinch of salt.

Kv

>> I find myself drawn to situations where I get emotinally hurt, like a> batterfly to fire. Perhaps my mind is used to adrenaline and needs it to> function properly, so it self-stimulates this way. In other words, I am a> drama queen.> > Case in point. Yesterday, I did an awesome haircut, made myself look> polished head to toe, and went on first date with an awesome guy. Sharp as a> razor, tall, gorgeous, successful and filthy rich red-head. He was trying to> impress me with his real estate mini-empire, I refused to be impressed and> changed subject. He was eliciting sympathy, telling me how hard he had it> last night, I showed none. Worst of all, I disagreed with him on his> politics as if I was just waiting for the chance to; and I really don't mind> political disagreements myself. I can't stop doing those things!> > Nevertheless, this date made me feel very confident and I went trolling for> men, had someone buy me a drink and was introduced into a large company of> men and women all of whom seemed to think I am a riot - which is very> unusual for me. Today, too, I had a feeling I can have any man.> > So what do I do with all this ego boost? I write a letter to the one moron> from the past who would not give me time of day, who thinks I am a thief and> took advantage of him, practically begging him for one last meet. He would> not respond, and my confidence is in shambles, but my adrenaline is rushing> and I feel alive and find this oddly satisfying.> > What do I ever do with this drama thing? It's probably uncontrollable, in> the sense that even if I make myself forget about one negative person or> event, the rest will keep popping up, because I keep inviting them.. what> does acceptance means in this case? Accept that I want some drama in my> life?>

August 10, 2011

maybe suffering is more familiar and feels more controllable to you than " what's

good for you "

good question though

what do you deem is " good for you " ?

> > >

> > > I find myself drawn to situations where I get emotinally hurt, like a

> > > batterfly to fire. Perhaps my mind is used to adrenaline and needs it to

> > > function properly, so it self-stimulates this way. In other words, I am a

> > > drama queen.

> > >

> > > Case in point. Yesterday, I did an awesome haircut, made myself look

> > > polished head to toe, and went on first date with an awesome guy. Sharp

> > as a

> > > razor, tall, gorgeous, successful and filthy rich red-head. He was trying

> > to

> > > impress me with his real estate mini-empire, I refused to be impressed

> > and

> > > changed subject. He was eliciting sympathy, telling me how hard he had it

> > > last night, I showed none. Worst of all, I disagreed with him on his

> > > politics as if I was just waiting for the chance to; and I really don't

> > mind

> > > political disagreements myself. I can't stop doing those things!

> > >

> > > Nevertheless, this date made me feel very confident and I went trolling

> > for

> > > men, had someone buy me a drink and was introduced into a large company

> > of

> > > men and women all of whom seemed to think I am a riot - which is very

> > > unusual for me. Today, too, I had a feeling I can have any man.

> > >

> > > So what do I do with all this ego boost? I write a letter to the one

> > moron

> > > from the past who would not give me time of day, who thinks I am a thief

> > and

> > > took advantage of him, practically begging him for one last meet. He

> > would

> > > not respond, and my confidence is in shambles, but my adrenaline is

> > rushing

> > > and I feel alive and find this oddly satisfying.

> > >

> > > What do I ever do with this drama thing? It's probably uncontrollable, in

> > > the sense that even if I make myself forget about one negative person or

> > > event, the rest will keep popping up, because I keep inviting them.. what

> > > does acceptance means in this case? Accept that I want some drama in my

> > > life?

> > >

> >

>

August 16, 2011

Yes, I'd have to say that this kind of suggestion and others like it that remind

me to use my imagination and use visualization in it's fullest sense has been so

very useful. So much so that I'd say it's one of the most precious take-aways

I've had with this work thus far (going on 5 years).

This is in the end an experiential, creative approach to suffering after all.

I find myself spontaneously stepping out of my own mind and " thinking " with

creativity more and more. Asking myself a lot of " What if's " . Looking at,

interacting with everything a bit more colorfully.

It's so very helpful for someone like me who has lived a long life mindlessly

attached to unworkable patterns that are literally sucking the life out of me

slowly but surely.

This kind of imagining helps any-time: before during and after an obsessive,

addictive event. And it really doesn't take much to " shake things up " some. Just

a bit of playfulness, a bit of curiosity a bit of willingness. What else am I

going to do? Time passes regardless.

Get bold with what you try and see what happens. Share with others what unfolds,

honor that creative part of you that reaches out.

best,

terry

>

> > I find myself drawn to situations where I get emotinally hurt, like a

> > batterfly to fire. Perhaps my mind is used to adrenaline and needs it to

> > function properly, so it self-stimulates this way. In other words, I am a

> > drama queen.

> >

> > Case in point. Yesterday, I did an awesome haircut, made myself look

> > polished head to toe, and went on first date with an awesome guy. Sharp as a

> > razor, tall, gorgeous, successful and filthy rich red-head. He was trying to

> > impress me with his real estate mini-empire, I refused to be impressed and

> > changed subject. He was eliciting sympathy, telling me how hard he had it

> > last night, I showed none. Worst of all, I disagreed with him on his

> > politics as if I was just waiting for the chance to; and I really don't mind

> > political disagreements myself. I can't stop doing those things!

> >

> > Nevertheless, this date made me feel very confident and I went trolling for

> > men, had someone buy me a drink and was introduced into a large company of

> > men and women all of whom seemed to think I am a riot - which is very

> > unusual for me. Today, too, I had a feeling I can have any man.

> >

> > So what do I do with all this ego boost? I write a letter to the one moron

> > from the past who would not give me time of day, who thinks I am a thief and

> > took advantage of him, practically begging him for one last meet. He would

> > not respond, and my confidence is in shambles, but my adrenaline is rushing

> > and I feel alive and find this oddly satisfying.

> >

> > What do I ever do with this drama thing? It's probably uncontrollable, in

> > the sense that even if I make myself forget about one negative person or

> > event, the rest will keep popping up, because I keep inviting them.. what

> > does acceptance means in this case? Accept that I want some drama in my

> > life?

> >

>

August 16, 2011