Re: Thanks - and specific replies

July 28, 2011

Iolanda, sometimes we connect a negative connotation to the word itself...and

can become a barrier in and of itself to feeling it

what would the feeling be without the word? Imagine that

just a feeling

which can be more manageable, and allow oneself to dip into it and fully feel it

can I ask you, when do you notice there isn't a feeling of loneliness?

>

> Thanks & Helena for your emails (and of the others to my questions)

>

> Specifically to -

>

> > I don't think I've seen any plan for action. Can I push you a bit into

taking some?

>

> I have been actively doing things to make friends for over 10 years and I know

the types

> of things that should be done. I've organsied community groups, I 'own'/run

a few online

> email groups, I've attended support groups over the years, I've been active

in meeting

> neighbours and various businesses in the area, attending community events etc.

Hey, I

> even organised - on my own - the 25 year primary school reunion and 20 year

high school

> reunion. What I've done has been complemented by a psychologist I saw about

my sadness in

> this area. So this isn't an issue. Even last week I was calling the local

community

> centre about something. So I don't need steps as such but just do something

if the

> opportunity arises but don't worry about it.

>

> Specifically to Helena

>

> > Iolanda, what IS your style of thinking? Can you define what you mean by

that?

>

> I'm at a risk of missing out on saying some things here and saying them the

wrong way

> (sorry, but I've also got 'word retrieval' problems sometimes) I'll just give

examples

> which is easier for me .......

>

> I tried the 3rd defusion method (I'm having a thought that ....) and I'm

sure I said it

> differently than in the book because I just said it while I was in bed and

didn't remember

> the right way to say it ........

>

> But when I tried it for loneliness what happened was that I started to think

more about

> the loneliness and get much more unhappy with the word and why I was saying

it. So just

> saying the word itself made me unhappy

>

> Plus the whole " scientific " way of wording it is so against my thinking and it

makes me

> somehow more conscious that I'm using those words etc because of a problem

etc etc. then

> that makes me feel bad in itself.

>

> So the 2 reasons above then act as a " reminder " of why I'm using the

strange-sounding

> technique ..... because I've got a loss of something that means something

to me.

> If there was a way to handle it without making it so much of a " reminder " then

I know it

> would be easier for me to handle. And the first defusion technique doesn't

leave the

> " reminder " there.

>

> I'm just sending the above in reply to the 2 emails that people took the

trouble to send

> recently. I'm pretty " sensitive " at the moment about getting " told off " by

anybody in the

> group so please be gentle if you're going to say something. If you feel like

telling me

> I'm stupid or I have the wrong priorities etc then please don't send the

email ........

>

> Thanks

>

> iolanda

>

July 28, 2011

I understand some of what your saying and feeling. I too have run the gameit of

meet up groups and trying to make new friends. It doesnt quite work out most of

the time. I question myself on this one. In other words, I think whats wrong

with me. But people have their own relatives, friends and such from the lifetime

that I was not a part of It seems it takes a while for them to let you in if at

all.

Coming from an unstable home, followed by divorce ,etc.. it would mean the world

to me to find my flock of geese.

> >

> > Thanks & Helena for your emails (and of the others to my questions)

> >

> > Specifically to -

> >

> > > I don't think I've seen any plan for action. Can I push you a bit into

taking some?

> >

> > I have been actively doing things to make friends for over 10 years and I

know the types

> > of things that should be done. I've organsied community groups, I

'own'/run a few online

> > email groups, I've attended support groups over the years, I've been active

in meeting

> > neighbours and various businesses in the area, attending community events

etc. Hey, I

> > even organised - on my own - the 25 year primary school reunion and 20 year

high school

> > reunion. What I've done has been complemented by a psychologist I saw about

my sadness in

> > this area. So this isn't an issue. Even last week I was calling the local

community

> > centre about something. So I don't need steps as such but just do something

if the

> > opportunity arises but don't worry about it.

> >

> > Specifically to Helena

> >

> > > Iolanda, what IS your style of thinking? Can you define what you mean by

that?

> >

> > I'm at a risk of missing out on saying some things here and saying them the

wrong way

> > (sorry, but I've also got 'word retrieval' problems sometimes) I'll just

give examples

> > which is easier for me .......

> >

> > I tried the 3rd defusion method (I'm having a thought that ....) and I'm

sure I said it

> > differently than in the book because I just said it while I was in bed and

didn't remember

> > the right way to say it ........

> >

> > But when I tried it for loneliness what happened was that I started to think

more about

> > the loneliness and get much more unhappy with the word and why I was saying

it. So just

> > saying the word itself made me unhappy

> >

> > Plus the whole " scientific " way of wording it is so against my thinking and

it makes me

> > somehow more conscious that I'm using those words etc because of a problem

etc etc. then

> > that makes me feel bad in itself.

> >

> > So the 2 reasons above then act as a " reminder " of why I'm using the

strange-sounding

> > technique ..... because I've got a loss of something that means something

to me.

> > If there was a way to handle it without making it so much of a " reminder "

then I know it

> > would be easier for me to handle. And the first defusion technique doesn't

leave the

> > " reminder " there.

> >

> > I'm just sending the above in reply to the 2 emails that people took the

trouble to send

> > recently. I'm pretty " sensitive " at the moment about getting " told off " by

anybody in the

> > group so please be gentle if you're going to say something. If you feel

like telling me

> > I'm stupid or I have the wrong priorities etc then please don't send the

email ........

> >

> > Thanks

> >

> > iolanda

> >

>

July 28, 2011

Hi Iolanda,

Thanks for responding! I think I now have a better understanding of "where you are coming from", as they say.

It seems to me that your brain does appear to work quite differently from most, and I think this may be due to your memory issues, brain trauma, etc. that you described. I never thought of the words used in the exercise instructions as being scientific, artificial, etc., and I've never heard others say that either. That you view them that way does NOT mean you are stupid, stubborn, or less intelligent! I think it is great that you recognize how your brain works and are thus able to choose the things that work best for you - this is something we all need to do, but is especially true for someone who had experienced a brain injury. You need to trust yourself on such matters, even if it seems that others don't understand. Just be sure that you are not using your situation as an excuse for any unwillingness on your part - something we all need to be aware of, no matter what our physical / mental / emotional circumstances.

You seem to be doing great in reaching out to others for connection; actually, much better than I am doing. So if the level of connection you desire isn't happening, and you are doing all you can toward your values, then you need to just take a deep breath and be willing to have the sadness about feeling lonely. I tell myself all the time that it is OK to feel lonely - I mean, who wouldn't be if they were living my particular life? It doesn't mean I am unattractive or not good enough. It just is.

Helena

To: "ACT" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 8:10:11 AMSubject: Thanks - and specific replies

Thanks & Helena for your emails (and of the others to my questions)Specifically to -

I don't think I've seen any plan for action. Can I push you a bit into taking some? I have been actively doing things to make friends for over 10 years and I know the types of things that should be done. I've organsied community groups, I 'own'/run a few online email groups, I've attended support groups over the years, I've been active in meeting neighbours and various businesses in the area, attending community events etc. Hey, I even organised - on my own - the 25 year primary school reunion and 20 year high school reunion. What I've done has been complemented by a psychologist I saw about my sadness in this area. So this isn't an issue. Even last week I was calling the local community centre about something. So I don't need steps as such but just do something if the opportunity arises but don't worry about it.Specifically to Helena

Iolanda, what IS your style of thinking? Can you define what you mean by that? I'm at a risk of missing out on saying some things here and saying them the wrong way (sorry, but I've also got 'word retrieval' problems sometimes) I'll just give examples which is easier for me .......I tried the 3rd defusion method (I'm having a thought that ....) and I'm sure I said it differently than in the book because I just said it while I was in bed and didn't remember the right way to say it ........ But when I tried it for loneliness what happened was that I started to think more about the loneliness and get much more unhappy with the word and why I was saying it. So just saying the word itself made me unhappyPlus the whole "scientific" way of wording it is so against my thinking and it makes me somehow more conscious that I'm using those words etc because of a problem etc etc. then that makes me feel bad in itself.So the 2 reasons above then act as a "reminder" of why I'm using the strange-sounding technique ..... because I've got a loss of something that means something to me. If there was a way to handle it without making it so much of a "reminder" then I know it would be easier for me to handle. And the first defusion technique doesn't leave the "reminder" there.I'm just sending the above in reply to the 2 emails that people took the trouble to send recently. I'm pretty "sensitive" at the moment about getting "told off" by anybody in the group so please be gentle if you're going to say something. If you feel like telling me I'm stupid or I have the wrong priorities etc then please don't send the email ........Thanksiolanda

July 28, 2011

That's fantastic action, really inspiring stuff. Clearly the problems you are having are not getting in the way of valued living. I think some others will be reading the forum with some jealousy, as many many people struggle to take the sort of steps that you've been taking with, it seems, little difficulty. Be proud.I made friends when I started joining groups which had regular meetings, rather than one-off events. I joined a church group that ran toddler activities; a local political party; and a local community action group). I wasn't looking for friendships from these, but they sort of "happened". x Subject: Thanks - and specific repliesTo: "ACT" <ACT_for_the_Public >Date: Thursday, 28 July, 2011, 12:10

Thanks & Helena for your emails (and of the others to my

questions)

Specifically to -

I don't think I've seen any plan for

action. Can I push you a bit into taking some?

I have been actively doing things to make friends for over 10 years

and I know the types of things that should be done. I've organsied

community groups, I 'own'/run a few online email groups, I've

attended support groups over the years, I've been active in meeting

neighbours and various businesses in the area, attending community

events etc. Hey, I even organised - on my own - the 25 year

primary school reunion and 20 year high school reunion. What I've

done has been complemented by a psychologist I saw about my sadness

in this area. So this isn't an issue. Even last week I was

calling the local community centre about something. So I don't need

steps as such but just do something if the opportunity arises but

don't worry about it.

Specifically to Helena

Iolanda, what IS

your style of thinking? Can you define what you mean by

that?

I'm at a risk of missing out on saying some things here and saying

them the wrong way (sorry, but I've also got 'word retrieval'

problems sometimes) I'll just give examples which is easier for me

........

I tried the 3rd defusion method (I'm having a thought that ....)

and I'm sure I said it differently than in the book because I just

said it while I was in bed and didn't remember the right way to say

it ........

But when I tried it for loneliness what happened was that I started

to think more about the loneliness and get much more unhappy with

the word and why I was saying it. So just saying the word itself

made me unhappy

Plus the whole "scientific" way of wording it is so against my

thinking and it makes me somehow more conscious that I'm using those

words etc because of a problem etc etc. then that makes me feel

bad in itself.

So the 2 reasons above then act as a "reminder" of why I'm using the

strange-sounding technique ..... because I've got a loss of

something that means something to me. If there was a way to

handle it without making it so much of a "reminder" then I know it

would be easier for me to handle. And the first defusion technique

doesn't leave the "reminder" there.

I'm just sending the above in reply to the 2 emails that people took

the trouble to send recently. I'm pretty "sensitive" at the moment

about getting "told off" by anybody in the group so please be

gentle if you're going to say something. If you feel like telling

me I'm stupid or I have the wrong priorities etc then please don't

send the email ........

Thanks

iolanda

July 28, 2011

That's fantastic action, really inspiring stuff. Clearly the problems you are having are not getting in the way of valued living. I think some others will be reading the forum with some jealousy, as many many people struggle to take the sort of steps that you've been taking with, it seems, little difficulty. Be proud.I made friends when I started joining groups which had regular meetings, rather than one-off events. I joined a church group that ran toddler activities; a local political party; and a local community action group). I wasn't looking for friendships from these, but they sort of "happened". x Subject: Thanks - and specific repliesTo: "ACT" <ACT_for_the_Public >Date: Thursday, 28 July, 2011, 12:10

Thanks & Helena for your emails (and of the others to my

questions)

Specifically to -

I don't think I've seen any plan for

action. Can I push you a bit into taking some?

I have been actively doing things to make friends for over 10 years

and I know the types of things that should be done. I've organsied

community groups, I 'own'/run a few online email groups, I've

attended support groups over the years, I've been active in meeting

neighbours and various businesses in the area, attending community

events etc. Hey, I even organised - on my own - the 25 year

primary school reunion and 20 year high school reunion. What I've

done has been complemented by a psychologist I saw about my sadness

in this area. So this isn't an issue. Even last week I was

calling the local community centre about something. So I don't need

steps as such but just do something if the opportunity arises but

don't worry about it.

Specifically to Helena

Iolanda, what IS

your style of thinking? Can you define what you mean by

that?

I'm at a risk of missing out on saying some things here and saying

them the wrong way (sorry, but I've also got 'word retrieval'

problems sometimes) I'll just give examples which is easier for me

........

I tried the 3rd defusion method (I'm having a thought that ....)

and I'm sure I said it differently than in the book because I just

said it while I was in bed and didn't remember the right way to say

it ........

But when I tried it for loneliness what happened was that I started

to think more about the loneliness and get much more unhappy with

the word and why I was saying it. So just saying the word itself

made me unhappy

Plus the whole "scientific" way of wording it is so against my

thinking and it makes me somehow more conscious that I'm using those

words etc because of a problem etc etc. then that makes me feel

bad in itself.

So the 2 reasons above then act as a "reminder" of why I'm using the

strange-sounding technique ..... because I've got a loss of

something that means something to me. If there was a way to

handle it without making it so much of a "reminder" then I know it

would be easier for me to handle. And the first defusion technique

doesn't leave the "reminder" there.

I'm just sending the above in reply to the 2 emails that people took

the trouble to send recently. I'm pretty "sensitive" at the moment

about getting "told off" by anybody in the group so please be

gentle if you're going to say something. If you feel like telling

me I'm stupid or I have the wrong priorities etc then please don't

send the email ........

Thanks

iolanda

July 28, 2011

Hi Iolanda,

It's me again! If it is OK, I wanted to say a couple of things in

light of your very interesting answer to Helena's very good

question.

1) My own sense is that many, many people have a similar reaction

to yours to do with the defusion technique of " I'm having the

thought that ____ " etc. In fact not just this but many many

techniques raise objections.

What is actually happening when we think " Oh, the word X is so

upsetting, " or " This is unnatural " is that we are having another

thought & getting snared by it rather than noticing it as a

thought.

2) This may already be apparent - but it doesn't seem to me

necessary or useful to " defuse " from feeling lonely if, as you

say, you are doing all that you can about making friends under

the circumstances. It is only useful to defuse from thoughts if

they seem like something we must run from & this running away

narrows our life.

The reason for it is one you've probably already heard: often

what hurts most reflects what we care about most and vice versa.

Get rid of the pain of caring, and what happens to the caring? Do

we really want to get rid of it too? Of course some thoughts we

may explore & eventually question because they do not seem like

values, but commandments from society, etc.

There is a thread just now on the ACT professional list that

speaks to this also. Without getting into detail, here is a

lovely quote (somewhat abridged) from that thread:

" Loving someone always comes with the other side of the coin:

fear, pain, loss. You can't have the one without the other, so I

would validate having these feelings and approaching them as the

mark of deep love. "

So the pain of deep loneliness, so long as it does not drive us

into a hole, might speak to a deep value of connection & thus be

something to honor. When I am hurting, sometimes I am able to

look at it as a chance to cherish feelings that so often I spend

time rejecting. Those times I can manage this, it makes the world

a little bigger.

- Randy

July 28, 2011

Hi Iolanda,

It's me again! If it is OK, I wanted to say a couple of things in

light of your very interesting answer to Helena's very good

question.

1) My own sense is that many, many people have a similar reaction

to yours to do with the defusion technique of " I'm having the

thought that ____ " etc. In fact not just this but many many

techniques raise objections.

What is actually happening when we think " Oh, the word X is so

upsetting, " or " This is unnatural " is that we are having another

thought & getting snared by it rather than noticing it as a

thought.

2) This may already be apparent - but it doesn't seem to me

necessary or useful to " defuse " from feeling lonely if, as you

say, you are doing all that you can about making friends under

the circumstances. It is only useful to defuse from thoughts if

they seem like something we must run from & this running away

narrows our life.

The reason for it is one you've probably already heard: often

what hurts most reflects what we care about most and vice versa.

Get rid of the pain of caring, and what happens to the caring? Do

we really want to get rid of it too? Of course some thoughts we

may explore & eventually question because they do not seem like

values, but commandments from society, etc.

There is a thread just now on the ACT professional list that

speaks to this also. Without getting into detail, here is a

lovely quote (somewhat abridged) from that thread:

" Loving someone always comes with the other side of the coin:

fear, pain, loss. You can't have the one without the other, so I

would validate having these feelings and approaching them as the

mark of deep love. "

So the pain of deep loneliness, so long as it does not drive us

into a hole, might speak to a deep value of connection & thus be

something to honor. When I am hurting, sometimes I am able to

look at it as a chance to cherish feelings that so often I spend

time rejecting. Those times I can manage this, it makes the world

a little bigger.

- Randy

July 28, 2011

Hi You are a very nice person and I do hope and pray you find really good friends. Best wishes from Francis

To: ACT_for_the_Public From: lday54@...Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2011 13:54:41 +0000Subject: Re: Thanks - and specific replies

I understand some of what your saying and feeling. I too have run the gameit of meet up groups and trying to make new friends. It doesnt quite work out most of the time. I question myself on this one. In other words, I think whats wrong with me. But people have their own relatives, friends and such from the lifetime that I was not a part of It seems it takes a while for them to let you in if at all. Coming from an unstable home, followed by divorce ,etc.. it would mean the world to me to find my flock of geese. > >> > Thanks & Helena for your emails (and of the others to my questions)> > > > Specifically to -> > > > > I don't think I've seen any plan for action. Can I push you a bit into taking some? > > > > I have been actively doing things to make friends for over 10 years and I know the types > > of things that should be done. I've organsied community groups, I 'own'/run a few online > > email groups, I've attended support groups over the years, I've been active in meeting > > neighbours and various businesses in the area, attending community events etc. Hey, I > > even organised - on my own - the 25 year primary school reunion and 20 year high school > > reunion. What I've done has been complemented by a psychologist I saw about my sadness in > > this area. So this isn't an issue. Even last week I was calling the local community > > centre about something. So I don't need steps as such but just do something if the > > opportunity arises but don't worry about it.> > > > Specifically to Helena> > > > > Iolanda, what IS your style of thinking? Can you define what you mean by that? > > > > I'm at a risk of missing out on saying some things here and saying them the wrong way > > (sorry, but I've also got 'word retrieval' problems sometimes) I'll just give examples > > which is easier for me .......> > > > I tried the 3rd defusion method (I'm having a thought that ....) and I'm sure I said it > > differently than in the book because I just said it while I was in bed and didn't remember > > the right way to say it ........> > > > But when I tried it for loneliness what happened was that I started to think more about > > the loneliness and get much more unhappy with the word and why I was saying it. So just > > saying the word itself made me unhappy> > > > Plus the whole "scientific" way of wording it is so against my thinking and it makes me > > somehow more conscious that I'm using those words etc because of a problem etc etc. then > > that makes me feel bad in itself.> > > > So the 2 reasons above then act as a "reminder" of why I'm using the strange-sounding > > technique ..... because I've got a loss of something that means something to me. > > If there was a way to handle it without making it so much of a "reminder" then I know it > > would be easier for me to handle. And the first defusion technique doesn't leave the > > "reminder" there.> > > > > > > > I'm just sending the above in reply to the 2 emails that people took the trouble to send > > recently. I'm pretty "sensitive" at the moment about getting "told off" by anybody in the > > group so please be gentle if you're going to say something. If you feel like telling me > > I'm stupid or I have the wrong priorities etc then please don't send the email ........> > > > Thanks> > > > iolanda> >>

July 28, 2011

Hi You are a very nice person and I do hope and pray you find really good friends. Best wishes from Francis

To: ACT_for_the_Public From: lday54@...Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2011 13:54:41 +0000Subject: Re: Thanks - and specific replies

I understand some of what your saying and feeling. I too have run the gameit of meet up groups and trying to make new friends. It doesnt quite work out most of the time. I question myself on this one. In other words, I think whats wrong with me. But people have their own relatives, friends and such from the lifetime that I was not a part of It seems it takes a while for them to let you in if at all. Coming from an unstable home, followed by divorce ,etc.. it would mean the world to me to find my flock of geese. > >> > Thanks & Helena for your emails (and of the others to my questions)> > > > Specifically to -> > > > > I don't think I've seen any plan for action. Can I push you a bit into taking some? > > > > I have been actively doing things to make friends for over 10 years and I know the types > > of things that should be done. I've organsied community groups, I 'own'/run a few online > > email groups, I've attended support groups over the years, I've been active in meeting > > neighbours and various businesses in the area, attending community events etc. Hey, I > > even organised - on my own - the 25 year primary school reunion and 20 year high school > > reunion. What I've done has been complemented by a psychologist I saw about my sadness in > > this area. So this isn't an issue. Even last week I was calling the local community > > centre about something. So I don't need steps as such but just do something if the > > opportunity arises but don't worry about it.> > > > Specifically to Helena> > > > > Iolanda, what IS your style of thinking? Can you define what you mean by that? > > > > I'm at a risk of missing out on saying some things here and saying them the wrong way > > (sorry, but I've also got 'word retrieval' problems sometimes) I'll just give examples > > which is easier for me .......> > > > I tried the 3rd defusion method (I'm having a thought that ....) and I'm sure I said it > > differently than in the book because I just said it while I was in bed and didn't remember > > the right way to say it ........> > > > But when I tried it for loneliness what happened was that I started to think more about > > the loneliness and get much more unhappy with the word and why I was saying it. So just > > saying the word itself made me unhappy> > > > Plus the whole "scientific" way of wording it is so against my thinking and it makes me > > somehow more conscious that I'm using those words etc because of a problem etc etc. then > > that makes me feel bad in itself.> > > > So the 2 reasons above then act as a "reminder" of why I'm using the strange-sounding > > technique ..... because I've got a loss of something that means something to me. > > If there was a way to handle it without making it so much of a "reminder" then I know it > > would be easier for me to handle. And the first defusion technique doesn't leave the > > "reminder" there.> > > > > > > > I'm just sending the above in reply to the 2 emails that people took the trouble to send > > recently. I'm pretty "sensitive" at the moment about getting "told off" by anybody in the > > group so please be gentle if you're going to say something. If you feel like telling me > > I'm stupid or I have the wrong priorities etc then please don't send the email ........> > > > Thanks> > > > iolanda> >>

July 29, 2011

I consider this to be a judgemental post which I shall ignore. Everyone on this

list is trying their best, and some folk find things harder time than others. We

all have our different vulnerabilties and difficulties.

Kv

>

> Subject: Thanks - and specific replies

> To: " ACT " <ACT_for_the_Public >

> Date: Thursday, 28 July, 2011, 12:10

>

> Thanks & Helena for your emails (and of the others to my

> questions)

>

> Specifically to -

>

> I don't think I've seen any plan for

> action. Can I push you a bit into taking some?

>

> I have been actively doing things to make friends for over 10 years

> and I know the types of things that should be done. I've organsied

> community groups, I 'own'/run a few online email groups, I've

> attended support groups over the years, I've been active in meeting

> neighbours and various businesses in the area, attending community

> events etc. Hey, I even organised - on my own - the 25 year

> primary school reunion and 20 year high school reunion. What I've

> done has been complemented by a psychologist I saw about my sadness

> in this area. So this isn't an issue. Even last week I was

> calling the local community centre about something. So I don't need

> steps as such but just do something if the opportunity arises but

> don't worry about it.

>

> Specifically to Helena

>

> Iolanda, what IS

> your style of thinking? Can you define what you mean by

> that?

>

> I'm at a risk of missing out on saying some things here and saying

> them the wrong way (sorry, but I've also got 'word retrieval'

> problems sometimes) I'll just give examples which is easier for me

> .......

>

> I tried the 3rd defusion method (I'm having a thought that ....)

> and I'm sure I said it differently than in the book because I just

> said it while I was in bed and didn't remember the right way to say

> it ........

>

> But when I tried it for loneliness what happened was that I started

> to think more about the loneliness and get much more unhappy with

> the word and why I was saying it. So just saying the word itself

> made me unhappy

>

> Plus the whole " scientific " way of wording it is so against my

> thinking and it makes me somehow more conscious that I'm using those

> words etc because of a problem etc etc. then that makes me feel

> bad in itself.

>

> So the 2 reasons above then act as a " reminder " of why I'm using the

> strange-sounding technique ..... because I've got a loss of

> something that means something to me. If there was a way to

> handle it without making it so much of a " reminder " then I know it

> would be easier for me to handle. And the first defusion technique

> doesn't leave the " reminder " there.

>

> I'm just sending the above in reply to the 2 emails that people took

> the trouble to send recently. I'm pretty " sensitive " at the moment

> about getting " told off " by anybody in the group so please be

> gentle if you're going to say something. If you feel like telling

> me I'm stupid or I have the wrong priorities etc then please don't

> send the email ........

>

> Thanks

>

> iolanda

>

July 29, 2011

Oh dear, I really am very sorry, that was not my intention.I'm sure I'll do better next time. xSubject: Re: Thanks - and specific repliesTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 29 July, 2011, 15:09I consider this to be a judgemental post which I shall ignore. Everyone on this list is trying their best, and some folk find things harder time than others. We all have our different vulnerabilties and difficulties.Kv > > From:

cyberfriend > Subject: Thanks - and specific replies> To: "ACT" <ACT_for_the_Public >> Date: Thursday, 28 July, 2011, 12:10> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks & Helena for your emails (and of the others to my> questions)> > > > Specifically to - > > > > I don't think

I've seen any plan for> action. Can I push you a bit into taking some? > > > I have been actively doing things to make friends for over 10 years> and I know the types of things that should be done. I've organsied> community groups, I 'own'/run a few online email groups, I've> attended support groups over the years, I've been active in meeting> neighbours and various businesses in the area, attending community> events etc. Hey, I even organised - on my own - the 25 year> primary school reunion and 20 year high school reunion. What I've> done has been complemented by a psychologist I saw

about my sadness> in this area. So this isn't an issue. Even last week I was> calling the local community centre about something. So I don't need> steps as such but just do something if the opportunity arises but> don't worry about it.> > > > Specifically to Helena> > > > Iolanda, what IS> your style of thinking? Can you define what you mean by> that? > > > I'm at a risk of missing out on saying some things here and saying> them the

wrong way (sorry, but I've also got 'word retrieval'> problems sometimes) I'll just give examples which is easier for me> .......> > > > I tried the 3rd defusion method (I'm having a thought that ....) > and I'm sure I said it differently than in the book because I just> said it while I was in bed and didn't remember the right way to say> it ........ > > > > But when I tried it for loneliness what happened was that I started> to think more about the loneliness and get much more unhappy with> the word and why I was saying it. So just saying the word

itself> made me unhappy> > > > Plus the whole "scientific" way of wording it is so against my> thinking and it makes me somehow more conscious that I'm using those> words etc because of a problem etc etc. then that makes me feel> bad in itself.> > > > So the 2 reasons above then act as a "reminder" of why I'm using the> strange-sounding technique ..... because I've got a loss of> something that means something to me. If there was a way to> handle it without making it so much of a "reminder" then I know it>

would be easier for me to handle. And the first defusion technique> doesn't leave the "reminder" there.> > > > > > > > I'm just sending the above in reply to the 2 emails that people took> the trouble to send recently. I'm pretty "sensitive" at the moment> about getting "told off" by anybody in the group so please be> gentle if you're going to say something. If you feel like telling> me I'm stupid or I have the wrong priorities etc then please don't> send the email ........> > > > Thanks>

> > > iolanda>------------------------------------For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.orgIf you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may unsubscribe by sending an email to ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links<*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/<*> Your email settings: Individual Email | Traditional<*> To change settings online go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join (Yahoo! ID required)<*> To change settings via email: ACT_for_the_Public-digest ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured <*>

July 29, 2011

, you have nothing for which to apologize. I remember these words of wisdom you posted some months ago; I was so impressed I saved them:

I reckon this group spends FAR too much time worrying about saying the right thing, in the right way, at the right time, not too much, not too little, forever apologising, starting again, defining what we mean. And so on. it's a waste, in my opinion!

Just continue to be the caring and compassionate person you have proven yourself to be on this list and don't take responsibility for not pleasing everyone all the time.

Thanks for being real, for being you.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, July 29, 2011 11:51:26 AMSubject: Re: Re: Thanks - and specific replies

Oh dear, I really am very sorry, that was not my intention.I'm sure I'll do better next time. x

Subject: Re: Thanks - and specific repliesTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Friday, 29 July, 2011, 15:09

I consider this to be a judgemental post which I shall ignore. Everyone on this list is trying their best, and some folk find things harder time than others. We all have our different vulnerabilties and difficulties.Kv > > > Subject: Thanks - and specific replies> To: "ACT" <ACT_for_the_Public >> Date: Thursday, 28 July, 2011, 12:10> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks & Helena for your emails (and of the others to my> questions)> > > > Specifically to - > > > > I don't think I've seen any plan for> action. Can I push you a bit into taking some? > > > I have been actively doing things to make friends for over 10 years> and I know the types of things that should be done. I've organsied> community groups, I 'own'/run a few online email groups, I've> attended support groups over the years, I've been active in meeting> neighbours and various businesses in the area, attending community> events etc. Hey, I even organised - on my own - the 25 year> primary school reunion and 20 year high school reunion. What I've> done has been complemented by a psychologist I saw about my sadness> in this area. So this isn't an issue. Even last week I was> calling the local community centre about something. So I don't need> steps as such but just do something if the opportunity arises but> don't worry about it.> > > > Specifically to Helena> > > > Iolanda, what IS> your style of thinking? Can you define what you mean by> that? > > > I'm at a risk of missing out on saying some things here and saying> them the wrong way (sorry, but I've also got 'word retrieval'> problems sometimes) I'll just give examples which is easier for me> .......> > > > I tried the 3rd defusion method (I'm having a thought that ....) > and I'm sure I said it differently than in the book because I just> said it while I was in bed and didn't remember the right way to say> it ........ > > > > But when I tried it for loneliness what happened was that I started> to think more about the loneliness and get much more unhappy with> the word and why I was saying it. So just saying the word itself> made me unhappy> > > > Plus the whole "scientific" way of wording it is so against my> thinking and it makes me somehow more conscious that I'm using those> words etc because of a problem etc etc. then that makes me feel> bad in itself.> > > > So the 2 reasons above then act as a "reminder" of why I'm using the> strange-sounding technique ..... because I've got a loss of> something that means something to me. If there was a way to> handle it without making it so much of a "reminder" then I know it> would be easier for me to handle. And the first defusion technique> doesn't leave the "reminder" there.> > > > > > > > I'm just sending the above in reply to the 2 emails that people took> the trouble to send recently. I'm pretty "sensitive" at the moment> about getting "told off" by anybody in the group so please be> gentle if you're going to say something. If you feel like telling> me I'm stupid or I have the wrong priorities etc then please don't> send the email ........> > > > Thanks> > > > iolanda>------------------------------------For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.orgIf you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may unsubscribe by sending an email to ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links<*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/<*> Your email settings: Individual Email | Traditional<*> To change settings online go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join (Yahoo! ID required)<*> To change settings via email: ACT_for_the_Public-digest ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured <*>

July 29, 2011

Whether you agree, or disagree with what someone saidRemember it's not them but thoughts inside their head. > > > > From: cyberfriend cyberfriend@ > > Subject: Thanks - and specific replies > > To: "ACT" < ACT_for_the_Public > > > Date: Thursday, 28 July, 2011, 12:10 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks & Helena for your emails (and of the others to my > > questions) > > > > > > > > Specifically to - > > > > > > > > I don't think I've seen any plan for > > action. Can I push you a bit into taking some? > > > > > > I have been actively doing things to make friends for over 10 years > > and I know the types of things that should be done. I've organsied > > community groups, I 'own'/run a few online email groups, I've > > attended support groups over the years, I've been active in meeting > > neighbours and various businesses in the area, attending community > > events etc. Hey, I even organised - on my own - the 25 year > > primary school reunion and 20 year high school reunion. What I've > > done has been complemented by a psychologist I saw about my sadness > > in this area. So this isn't an issue. Even last week I was > > calling the local community centre about something. So I don't need > > steps as such but just do something if the opportunity arises but > > don't worry about it. > > > > > > > > Specifically to Helena > > > > > > > > Iolanda, what IS > > your style of thinking? Can you define what you mean by > > that? > > > > > > I'm at a risk of missing out on saying some things here and saying > > them the wrong way (sorry, but I've also got 'word retrieval' > > problems sometimes) I'll just give examples which is easier for me > > ....... > > > > > > > > I tried the 3rd defusion method (I'm having a thought that ....) > > and I'm sure I said it differently than in the book because I just > > said it while I was in bed and didn't remember the right way to say > > it ........ > > > > > > > > But when I tried it for loneliness what happened was that I started > > to think more about the loneliness and get much more unhappy with > > the word and why I was saying it. So just saying the word itself > > made me unhappy > > > > > > > > Plus the whole "scientific" way of wording it is so against my > > thinking and it makes me somehow more conscious that I'm using those > > words etc because of a problem etc etc. then that makes me feel > > bad in itself. > > > > > > > > So the 2 reasons above then act as a "reminder" of why I'm using the > > strange-sounding technique ..... because I've got a loss of > > something that means something to me. If there was a way to > > handle it without making it so much of a "reminder" then I know it > > would be easier for me to handle. And the first defusion technique > > doesn't leave the "reminder" there. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I'm just sending the above in reply to the 2 emails that people took > > the trouble to send recently. I'm pretty "sensitive" at the moment > > about getting "told off" by anybody in the group so please be > > gentle if you're going to say something. If you feel like telling > > me I'm stupid or I have the wrong priorities etc then please don't > > send the email ........ > > > > > > > > Thanks > > > > > > > > iolanda > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.org > > If you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may > unsubscribe by sending an email to > ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@... ! Groups Links>

July 29, 2011

,

Your comment about how you made friends without looking for them came at just

the right time.

A couple of days ago, my gambling counselor (who isn't into ACT) got me to do a

graded exposure list to help me with my social phobia and rating the anxiety

level of each item from one to ten. This included things like: talking with an

attractive young woman, sitting in a circle where other people can see me, being

with a small group at a dinner party, and speaking in front of a group.

While doing this exercise, I had a vague idea that it wasn't the right way to go

in my case. While progressive exposure is a valuable and proven technique, the

focus in this case seemed specifically to be on making friends rather than doing

things that interest me and allowing friendships to happen (or not) along the

way.

Your idea of joining groups that have regular meetings is a good one. I write

stories as a hobby, so I could join a writing group; I'm a scientific

naturalist, so I could join my local skeptics society; I want to help people

with their anxiety issues, so I could join an anxiety support group; I'm

interested in philosophy, so I could join a pub philosophy group and enjoy a few

beers while grappling with the meaning of existence.

I would find all of these activities interesting, stimulating, and challenging.

I may or may not make any friends while doing them, but it wouldn't be the goal.

Re the criticism you've received about your post, I think it might stem from the

limitations of the written word. When we're talking with someone face-to-face,

we get lots of extra information in addition to the actual words; things like

intonation, facial expression, body language. All these are missing when we read

words on a page and often lead us to misinterpreting the speaker's intention.

Things that are obviously light-hearted when we can see and hear the person

speaking can be misinterpreted when we read the exact same words on a screen.

Thanks again for your post. It's given me something to raise with my counselor

at our next session.

Cheers,

Stan