Guest guest Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 " Drop your story " IS simplistic and insulting. While it's good to see your story as a story and not to be ruled by it if it's a chronicle of woe, nobody, not even the spiritual superstars lives story-free. As human beings we're simply not wired that way. And there's a lot of good evidence that how you come to frame your personal narrative can affect your life, your relationships, even the style of attachment your children will have with you. Narratives matter; some are definitely better than others, and the good news is that they can be changed if you do the work. Doing the work of bringing a narrative that lives in implicit memory to consciousness allows you to choose different interpretations that aren't rooted in past trauma. This can improve your emotional well being immeasurably. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Perhaps it might be better to simply recognize my story?D> >> " Drop your story " IS simplistic and insulting. While it's good to see > your story as a story and not to be ruled by it if it's a chronicle of> woe, nobody, not even the spiritual superstars lives story-free. As> human beings we're simply not wired that way. And there's a lot of > good evidence that how you come to frame your personal narrative can> affect your life, your relationships, even the style of attachment> your children will have with you.>> Narratives matter; some are definitely better than others, and the > good news is that they can be changed if you do the work. Doing the> work of bringing a narrative that lives in implicit memory to> consciousness allows you to choose different interpretations that> aren't rooted in past trauma. This can improve your emotional well > being immeasurably.>> -- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 I do think that recognizing one's story is good. But I like Jim's approach of looking at/choosing different interpretations, that extra step seems very useful. Yesterday I was thinking about funerals, I've had two friends die in the last 3 weeks. Attending their funerals really got me thinking about the stories of our lives and how mine might be told at my funeral. My negative view of things had mine framed as " Kate had a lot of potential and never really lived up to it - what a waste of a life " . But my counsellor got me to consider another interpretation: " Kate strove hard to achieve her goals etc etc " . I found making that shift helpful instead of just feeling depressed and despondent at all that I HADN'T achieved. Kate > > > > > > " Drop your story " IS simplistic and insulting. While it's good to see > > your story as a story and not to be ruled by it if it's a chronicle of > > woe, nobody, not even the spiritual superstars lives story-free. As > > human beings we're simply not wired that way. And there's a lot of > > good evidence that how you come to frame your personal narrative can > > affect your life, your relationships, even the style of attachment > > your children will have with you. > > > > Narratives matter; some are definitely better than others, and the > > good news is that they can be changed if you do the work. Doing the > > work of bringing a narrative that lives in implicit memory to > > consciousness allows you to choose different interpretations that > > aren't rooted in past trauma. This can improve your emotional well > > being immeasurably. > > > > > > -- > Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-T > Rochester, NY, US > http://darrellking.com > DarrellGKing@... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 In chapter 7 of GOOYMAIYL (page 90 according to my Kindle version), has an exercise called Retelling Your Own Story. Summarised, it goes like this. First, write the story of your suffering and the reasons for it. Then reread it and underline the facts, the actual events that happened. Finally, use those facts to tell a different story. It might be useful to repeat the last part to see how many different stories you can come up with. Essentially, this is a defusion exercise to help us let go of our attachment to our conceptualised self, the part of us that tells us who and why we are the way we are. Thing like: I'm anxious, I'm not as good as other people, I'm (in my case) a skeptic, I'm this, I'm that. In my last session with my gambling counsellor, I told him how, a year before I was born (way back in 1948), my parents had a daughter. One freezing winter's night in London where they lived at the time, they took her into their bed to keep her warm. When they woke up the next morning, they found her dead. She had suffocated. While telling my counsellor about this, I told him that my mother didn't like being hugged. In my late twenties, I tried hugging her for a while until she told me not to. I was disappointed, but I accepted it. As the session went on, I began to weave a story to try and make sense of why physical affection wasn't a part of our family life and the effect it's had on me since. Their grief and trauma (talking about it one day, my father said he called himself a murderer) made them afraid of being overly affectionate; it was the 1950s and they were British; my mother was an introvert; and so on. The point of sharing this is that it shows how easy it is for me to weave a story from what happened to explain why I am the way I am. Take the same facts, and I could come up with lots of different stories. One of them may be true, or none of them, I can't be sure. One thing I do know, however, is that they were good parents and they loved me and I loved them, even if we didn't say so in words and touches. No story my mind comes up with will ever change that fact. The stories we weave around the event in our lives are just that: stories. We can use those same facts to spin all kinds of yarns to explain how we came to be the way we are now. Who we are deep down is not the stories we tell ourselves, so hold them lightly. Cheers, Stan > > This dropped into my inbox: > > " I'm tired of hearing others say: " It's just my story. " I'm tired of spiritual teachers telling their students " to drop their story. " And I'm just as tired of us devaluing our story — our personal history — as I am of us overvaluing or overdramatizing it. What's needed is a deep honoring of our story, through which we mine from it what we need to become more integrated, more real, more at home with all that we are. " > > Augustus Masters > > > What do people think? I agree with him, the " drop your story " decree just grates on my nerves, it seems so dismissive and non-compassionate. And so simplistic, it's a catch phrase that inhibits and negates the search for insight. > > Kate > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 jazakallah khair(thank u sooooo much) for sharing this with us stan. It was touching & inspiring. wasalaam:-) > > > > This dropped into my inbox: > > > > " I'm tired of hearing others say: " It's just my story. " I'm tired of spiritual teachers telling their students " to drop their story. " And I'm just as tired of us devaluing our story — our personal history — as I am of us overvaluing or overdramatizing it. What's needed is a deep honoring of our story, through which we mine from it what we need to become more integrated, more real, more at home with all that we are. " > > > > Augustus Masters > > > > > > What do people think? I agree with him, the " drop your story " decree just grates on my nerves, it seems so dismissive and non-compassionate. And so simplistic, it's a catch phrase that inhibits and negates the search for insight. > > > > Kate > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Interesting take on things Stan. I suppose it depends on how one defines " story " . I would say that the facts that make up an event are PART of the story as a whole, they are not separate to it. So the facts of your parents' experiences are an intrinsic part of the story, the story isn't just something that is " made up " and added on to those facts. Otherwise a story would just be totally arbitrary like a fairytale (something that it could in fact be if there were NO underlying facts). Even a list of facts is still a story to my mind, they still form a narrative. Kate > > > > This dropped into my inbox: > > > > " I'm tired of hearing others say: " It's just my story. " I'm tired of spiritual teachers telling their students " to drop their story. " And I'm just as tired of us devaluing our story — our personal history — as I am of us overvaluing or overdramatizing it. What's needed is a deep honoring of our story, through which we mine from it what we need to become more integrated, more real, more at home with all that we are. " > > > > Augustus Masters > > > > > > What do people think? I agree with him, the " drop your story " decree just grates on my nerves, it seems so dismissive and non-compassionate. And so simplistic, it's a catch phrase that inhibits and negates the search for insight. > > > > Kate > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Thanks for the sweet note StanThe " Your Story " language can be extremely invalidating when it is usedto criticize a person -- as anyone on the receiving end ofthat kind of use can attest. But there is a place worth looking at that Stan is bringing up. We have many narratives that are possible about the few facts we know. The facts should be respected but if many narratives are possiblewe need to look more deeply at the narratives themselves. Would it be OK if we took responsibility for our stories and the role they play in our lives?I have stories about myself that I know hold me down because inside the narrative nothing new seems possible. When I know from experience that I'm in a situation in which something new is neededold stories often can get in the way.So for example my mother (who turns 90 in a few weeks .. lovely person) was to my mind as a child irrational and neurotic. My Dad nearly died of a heart attack when I was 8 and was in the hospital for 6 months. Mom went into a deep depression during that time.I felt at the time as if no adults were able to take care of me.I literally worried I would not be fed (this is an 8 year old remember) Storytime:The REASON I'm so hyper responsible (and freaked out by females if theyshow negative emotions) is that I grew up at age 8and the way I grew up that fast was to try to suppress emotions and just focus on external events.It was grow up or die.OKSome of these facts are facts. But the story is just one way to integrate these facts.Functionally, I like some of it in that it is a compassionate place to stand with the 8 yr old part of me when I'm being over-controlling and hyper-responsible (again) out of a fear place.But functionally, other parts are troubling. For example, this story is about age 8 and you are 63 dude.What about the other 55 years? What about now? And what about a 63 year old telling a 55 year old story -- what is thestory about THAT?Do you see what I mean?So when the narratives are not moving us forward wedo have other alternatives. For example we might move ahead anyway and start writing a newchapter with our feetSpeaking of which " Did I tell you about the time I was soooo stuckbecause I have this 8 year old part of me that wa ... I did?Oh. Well. OK. So what happened was I hit this place in which I just somehow moved ahead anyway and started writing a new chapterwith my feet. Did I tell you that one? No?Well, gee, it's pretty interesting. Or at least itsurprised me. Let's see. I was, oh may, 63 years old and .... " - S C. Foundation Professor Department of Psychology /298University of NevadaReno, NV 89557-0062 " Love isn't everything, it's the only thing " hayes@... or stevenchayes@... Fax: Psych Department: Contextual Change (you can use this number for messages if need be): Blogs: Psychology Today http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-out-your-mindHuffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-c-hayes-phd If you want my vita, publications, PowerPoint slides, try my training page or my blog at the ACBS site: http://www.contextualpsychology.org/steven_hayes http://www.contextualpsychology.org/blog/steven_hayes or you can try my website (it is semi-functional) stevenchayes.com If you have any questions about ACT or RFT (articles, AAQ information etc), please first check the vast resources at website of the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS): www.contextualpsychology.org. You have to register on the site to download things, but the cost if up to your own values. If you are a professional or student and want to be part of the world wide ACT discussion or RFT discussions go to http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy/join orhttp://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/relationalframetheory/joinIf you are a member of the public reading ACT self-help books (e.g., " Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life " etc) and want to be part of the conversation go to: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join In chapter 7 of GOOYMAIYL (page 90 according to my Kindle version), has an exercise called Retelling Your Own Story. Summarised, it goes like this. First, write the story of your suffering and the reasons for it. Then reread it and underline the facts, the actual events that happened. Finally, use those facts to tell a different story. It might be useful to repeat the last part to see how many different stories you can come up with. Essentially, this is a defusion exercise to help us let go of our attachment to our conceptualised self, the part of us that tells us who and why we are the way we are. Thing like: I'm anxious, I'm not as good as other people, I'm (in my case) a skeptic, I'm this, I'm that. In my last session with my gambling counsellor, I told him how, a year before I was born (way back in 1948), my parents had a daughter. One freezing winter's night in London where they lived at the time, they took her into their bed to keep her warm. When they woke up the next morning, they found her dead. She had suffocated. While telling my counsellor about this, I told him that my mother didn't like being hugged. In my late twenties, I tried hugging her for a while until she told me not to. I was disappointed, but I accepted it. As the session went on, I began to weave a story to try and make sense of why physical affection wasn't a part of our family life and the effect it's had on me since. Their grief and trauma (talking about it one day, my father said he called himself a murderer) made them afraid of being overly affectionate; it was the 1950s and they were British; my mother was an introvert; and so on. The point of sharing this is that it shows how easy it is for me to weave a story from what happened to explain why I am the way I am. Take the same facts, and I could come up with lots of different stories. One of them may be true, or none of them, I can't be sure. One thing I do know, however, is that they were good parents and they loved me and I loved them, even if we didn't say so in words and touches. No story my mind comes up with will ever change that fact. The stories we weave around the event in our lives are just that: stories. We can use those same facts to spin all kinds of yarns to explain how we came to be the way we are now. Who we are deep down is not the stories we tell ourselves, so hold them lightly. Cheers, Stan > > This dropped into my inbox: > > " I'm tired of hearing others say: " It's just my story. " I'm tired of spiritual teachers telling their students " to drop their story. " And I'm just as tired of us devaluing our story — our personal history — as I am of us overvaluing or overdramatizing it. What's needed is a deep honoring of our story, through which we mine from it what we need to become more integrated, more real, more at home with all that we are. " > > Augustus Masters > > > What do people think? I agree with him, the " drop your story " decree just grates on my nerves, it seems so dismissive and non-compassionate. And so simplistic, it's a catch phrase that inhibits and negates the search for insight. > > Kate > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 > > What do people think? I agree with him, the " drop your story " > decree just grates on my nerves, it seems so dismissive and > non-compassionate. And so simplistic, it's a catch phrase that > inhibits and negates the search for insight. I wonder - what is the " decree " here? Who is making it? Who is it who is being non-compassionate and dismissive? I wonder if there is not some fear here, some expression of our discomfort, rather than a real " other " who is decreeing this or that? Masters is interesting. He seems to set up as a shaman, a psychodynamically oriented spiritual therapist - see his web site: http://www.robertmasters.com/home.htm He seems sort of in the Carl Jung/ Hillman/ tradition of owning our shadows, etc. That can certainly be very seductive & sometimes I like what such therapists have to say; I have a book I am reading right now that I am liking. I do think that there is no one in the ACT tradition who is " decreeing " anything one way or another - and certainly I don't see any intent in the ACT model to invalidate or attack. That is why I say it sounds to me like our own fear of being invalidated. It is a legitimate concern. Along those lines here is an excerpt from a Steve email to the ACT professional list that seems interesting & relevant - it is from yesterday & comes from a discussion on that list of Krisin Neff's work and of the relation between defusion and self-compassion: " When we say 'I'm have the thought that' as an act of kindness (as you might when talking to a child about nightmares) it is different than the judgmental version ('you are just having a thought, sucker, Snap out of it'). Silly voices or word repetition as a way of turning on the light is different than the same methods as a way of wagging a finger. " I do get concerned when people want to throw out defusion because it is invalidating etc. It can be. When I've made errors clinically it surely was in that moment. But it can also be hugely validating and empowered -- it carries the deep message that we were suffering inside and illusion. " Turning on the light can be one of the kindest things you can do for yourself. " If anyone is curious, below is the link to the message & the thread in question - http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy/message/23587 - Randy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 I guess I should have been clearer, I wasn't meaning to imply that ACT uses this phrase or language. I was curious about how people felt about this notion of " dropping the story " . That phrase gets bandied about a fair lot, not necessarily on this list. Although that's interesting that refers to the " just having a thought " idea as being potentially invalidating in a similar vein. It all comes down to how one says it and/or how one takes it I suppose. Thanks for the link, I'll take a look. Kate > > > > What do people think? I agree with him, the " drop your story " > > decree just grates on my nerves, it seems so dismissive and > > non-compassionate. And so simplistic, it's a catch phrase that > > inhibits and negates the search for insight. > > I wonder - what is the " decree " here? Who is making it? Who is it > who is being non-compassionate and dismissive? > > I wonder if there is not some fear here, some expression of our > discomfort, rather than a real " other " who is decreeing this or > that? > > Masters is interesting. He seems to set up as a shaman, a > psychodynamically oriented spiritual therapist - see his web site: > > http://www.robertmasters.com/home.htm > > He seems sort of in the Carl Jung/ Hillman/ > tradition of owning our shadows, etc. That can certainly be very > seductive & sometimes I like what such therapists have to say; I > have a book I am reading right now that I am liking. > > I do think that there is no one in the ACT tradition who is > " decreeing " anything one way or another - and certainly I don't see > any intent in the ACT model to invalidate or attack. That is why I > say it sounds to me like our own fear of being invalidated. It is a > legitimate concern. > > Along those lines here is an excerpt from a Steve email to the > ACT professional list that seems interesting & relevant - it is from > yesterday & comes from a discussion on that list of Krisin Neff's > work and of the relation between defusion and self-compassion: > > " When we say 'I'm have the thought that' as an act of kindness (as > you might when talking to a child about nightmares) it is different > than the judgmental version ('you are just having a thought, sucker, > Snap out of it'). Silly voices or word repetition as a way of > turning on the light is different than the same methods as a way of > wagging a finger. > > " I do get concerned when people want to throw out defusion because it > is invalidating etc. It can be. When I've made errors clinically it > surely was in that moment. But it can also be hugely validating and > empowered -- it carries the deep message that we were suffering > inside and illusion. > > " Turning on the light can be one of the kindest things you can do for > yourself. " > > If anyone is curious, below is the link to the message & the thread > in question - > > http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy/message/23587 > > - Randy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 People who know me know that I truly love a good story. I tell a lot of stories. And, I love a good question. Here is one: Do you have your story, or does your story have you? This has been a very useful question in my own life. Not because of the answers so much, but because the answer is always, in my opinion, both. Rather, because some questions are worth lingering over, "inhabiting significant questions," as I say in Mindfulness for Two and Things.The question often resolves with a little patient sitting to something more like: In what ways does my story have me...trap me, run me, usually very automatic and nondeliberate? And, in what ways do I have my story? Held with openness, in kindness, carried into the rooms of my life on purpose, with intention, to serve some value?with my warm regards, G. 205 Peabody BuildingPsychology DepartmentUniversity of MississippiOxford, MS 38677ph: fax: academic homepage:www.olemiss.edu/working/kwilson/kwilson.htmalso check outwww.onelifellc.comwww.mindfulnessfortwo.comwww.facebook.com/kellygwilsonwww.tastybehaviorism.comwww.abnormalwootwoot.com I guess I should have been clearer, I wasn't meaning to imply that ACT uses this phrase or language. I was curious about how people felt about this notion of "dropping the story". That phrase gets bandied about a fair lot, not necessarily on this list. Although that's interesting that refers to the "just having a thought" idea as being potentially invalidating in a similar vein. It all comes down to how one says it and/or how one takes it I suppose. Thanks for the link, I'll take a look. Kate > > > > What do people think? I agree with him, the "drop your story" > > decree just grates on my nerves, it seems so dismissive and > > non-compassionate. And so simplistic, it's a catch phrase that > > inhibits and negates the search for insight. > > I wonder - what is the "decree" here? Who is making it? Who is it > who is being non-compassionate and dismissive? > > I wonder if there is not some fear here, some expression of our > discomfort, rather than a real "other" who is decreeing this or > that? > > Masters is interesting. He seems to set up as a shaman, a > psychodynamically oriented spiritual therapist - see his web site: > > http://www.robertmasters.com/home.htm > > He seems sort of in the Carl Jung/ Hillman/ > tradition of owning our shadows, etc. That can certainly be very > seductive & sometimes I like what such therapists have to say; I > have a book I am reading right now that I am liking. > > I do think that there is no one in the ACT tradition who is > "decreeing" anything one way or another - and certainly I don't see > any intent in the ACT model to invalidate or attack. That is why I > say it sounds to me like our own fear of being invalidated. It is a > legitimate concern. > > Along those lines here is an excerpt from a Steve email to the > ACT professional list that seems interesting & relevant - it is from > yesterday & comes from a discussion on that list of Krisin Neff's > work and of the relation between defusion and self-compassion: > > "When we say 'I'm have the thought that' as an act of kindness (as > you might when talking to a child about nightmares) it is different > than the judgmental version ('you are just having a thought, sucker, > Snap out of it'). Silly voices or word repetition as a way of > turning on the light is different than the same methods as a way of > wagging a finger. > > "I do get concerned when people want to throw out defusion because it > is invalidating etc. It can be. When I've made errors clinically it > surely was in that moment. But it can also be hugely validating and > empowered -- it carries the deep message that we were suffering > inside and illusion. > > "Turning on the light can be one of the kindest things you can do for > yourself." > > If anyone is curious, below is the link to the message & the thread > in question - > > http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy/message/23587 > > - Randy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Kate said, > I was curious about how people felt about this notion of " dropping > the story " . That phrase gets bandied about a fair lot, not > necessarily on this list. Hi Kate, Actually, I think there is far more pressure exerted by ourselves and those around us & by our culture - including the general culture of psychotherapy - to " claim our story " than there is to " drop our story. " That was one reason I asked who it is that says " drop your story " in such a blaming or noncompassionate way. What I hear people trafficking in is so much the opposite: story, story, and more story. The danger with " claim your story " in the sense of " and then you will have some real insight " is that it seems to say there is one true narrative about ourselves and our past and therefore about who we are and what we can do for ourselves. This is psychodynamic talk in spades, harkening back to Freud in the sense of treating the past as separate from the present. Such language can sometimes sound very similar to ACT language about being self-compassionate - for example, imagining ourselves as a child with the same hurt we have now, and then imagining what we would say to that child. But there are some differences that should be noted. The psychodynamic metaphors we so often use of " discovering " or " unearthing " our past, and with it the insights that this past supposedly contains, all assume one thing: that our authenticity or true self is a kind of inert substance, something that lies hidden but unaltered and intact until we find it. And they assume too that this truth will not change once we have found it. This is the view that Masters is promoting when he uses language like " mining " our story for " what we need to become more integrated, " etc. It sounds great, especially if we feel we have been wronged in the past by other persons or ourselves. And yet I think it can lead to some real dead ends. For example, I have mentioned before on this list that back in 2004, I was working with a " schema " therapist. Schema therapy was invented by a psychologist named Young as a psychodynamic overlay to conventional CBT. It proposes that people's difficulties can be accounted for by " schemas, " which are basically patterns of dysfunction traceable back to bad parenting. In my case, my very nice & compassionate (and I mean this sincerely) schema therapist tried to help me by showing how my father was to blame for my depression and other difficulties. This revived my anger against my father but gave me nowhere to go with it. I had a nice story that " explained " my problem, but now what? I ditched schema therapy for this reason. And later I realized that my stories about my dad were riddled with all kinds of inaccuracies, and moreover weren't helpful in moving me toward what I wanted - to help him as he was, even if it wasn't perfect; to have a relationship with him even if it wasn't perfect; etc. So I dropped those stories. Did I have " insights " that helped me do so? I guess so; but not in the sense that psychodynamic therapy normally speaks of " insight. " It was not about the past; it was about the now. We bring our past with us in the form of stories and story-telling and the way that our emotions impact us in the present. Yet the past is not a static thing waiting to be discovered, and neither are we. The past is a dynamic process unfolding in the present as we make choices, and we are - well, it is hard to say what we are, but one thing we are not is static. The only static thing is being here now. Re-read 's poem about someone waiting for a train that never comes. That is the perfect picture of what our culture and our minds so often tell us we need to do: uncover some static, inert " insight " or " truth " that will set us free and let us live again. I am providing the link again here - that poem is worth re-reading: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/message/15045 Personally, what I tell myself these days is not " get some insight " but more like " don't wait for insight. " I am curious though to hear if your experience has been different - for example, if a psychodynamic approach has worked well for you; or if there are specific writers who seem to be urging us to " drop the story " in a way that seems invalidating. - Randy P.S. I like 's question that he posed just now in his reply. " Some of both " is an answer that is alive with the tension of being human. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Good points, Kate. Words are symbols and symbolism is the medium of the thinking mind, so any reality can be represented with many different models depending in part upon the symbols chosen with which to construct it. Any exercise that directs a mindful perspective at thoughts might be worth trying! I meant to say that the key might be in recognizing the story as a story rather than buying into it—stepping off the stage and taking a seat in the audience. I don't always express myself as well as I intend! D> >> I do think that recognizing one's story is good. But I like Jim's approach of looking at/choosing different interpretations, that extra step seems very useful. > Yesterday I was thinking about funerals, I've had two friends die in the last 3 weeks. Attending their funerals really got me thinking about the stories of our lives and how mine might be told at my funeral. My negative view of things had mine framed as " Kate had a lot of potential and never really lived up to it - what a waste of a life " . But my counsellor got me to consider another interpretation: " Kate strove hard to achieve her goals etc etc " . I found making that shift helpful instead of just feeling depressed and despondent at all that I HADN'T achieved. >> Kate>> >> >>> > >> > " Drop your story " IS simplistic and insulting. While it's good to see>> > your story as a story and not to be ruled by it if it's a chronicle of>> > woe, nobody, not even the spiritual superstars lives story-free. As >> > human beings we're simply not wired that way. And there's a lot of>> > good evidence that how you come to frame your personal narrative can>> > affect your life, your relationships, even the style of attachment >> > your children will have with you.>> >>> > Narratives matter; some are definitely better than others, and the>> > good news is that they can be changed if you do the work. Doing the >> > work of bringing a narrative that lives in implicit memory to>> > consciousness allows you to choose different interpretations that>> > aren't rooted in past trauma. This can improve your emotional well >> > being immeasurably.>> >>> >>>>> -->> Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-T>> Rochester, NY, US>> http://darrellking.com >> DarrellGKing@...>>>> -- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 LOL. Thanks for this. I know someone who is struggling with a story that winds through many years—all tragic, from the storyteller's perspective. The problem is that extending the story through the next twenty years results in paralysis right now, I will remember the option to " start writing a new chapter with our feet " and pass it along.... D> >> Thanks for the sweet note Stan>> The " Your Story " language can be extremely invalidating when it is used > to criticize a person -- as anyone on the receiving end of> that kind of use can attest.>> But there is a place worth looking at that Stan is bringing up.>> We have many narratives that are possible about the few facts we know. > The facts should be respected but if many narratives are possible> we need to look more deeply at the narratives themselves. Would it be OK> if we took responsibility for our stories and the role they play in our lives? >> I have stories about myself> that I know hold me down because inside the narrative nothing new seems> possible. When I know from experience that I'm in a situation in which something new is needed > old stories often can get in the way.>> So for example my mother (who turns 90 in a few weeks .. lovely person) was to my> mind as a child irrational and neurotic. My Dad nearly died of a heart attack when I was 8 > and was in the hospital for 6 months. Mom went into a deep depression during that time.> I felt at the time as if no adults were able to take care of me.> I literally worried I would not be fed (this is an 8 year old remember) >> Storytime:>> The REASON I'm so hyper responsible (and freaked out by females if they> show negative emotions) is that I grew up at age 8> and the way I grew up that fast was to try to suppress emotions > and just focus on external events.> It was grow up or die.>> OK>> Some of these facts are facts. But the story is just one way to integrate these facts.> Functionally, I like some of it in that it is a compassionate place to stand with the 8 yr old part of me > when I'm being over-controlling and hyper-responsible (again) out of a fear place.>> But functionally, other parts are troubling.>> For example, this story is about age 8 and you are 63 dude. > What about the other 55 years? What about now?> And what about a 63 year old telling a 55 year old story -- what is the> story about THAT?>> Do you see what I mean?>> So> > when the narratives are not moving us forward we> do have other alternatives. For example we might> move ahead anyway and start writing a new> chapter with our feet>> Speaking of which >> " Did I tell you about the time I was soooo stuck> because I have this 8 year old part of me that wa ... I did?> Oh. Well. OK. So what happened was I hit this place> in which I just somehow moved ahead anyway and > started writing a new chapter> with my feet. Did I tell you that one? No?> Well, gee, it's pretty interesting. Or at least it> surprised me. Let's see. I was, oh may, 63 years old and .... " >> - S>> C. > Foundation Professor> Department of Psychology /298> University of Nevada> Reno, NV 89557-0062>> " Love isn't everything, it's the only thing " >> hayes@... or stevenchayes@...> Fax: <tel:%28775%29%20784-1126>> Psych Department: <tel:%28775%29%20784-6828> > Contextual Change (you can use this number for messages if need be): <tel:%28775%29%20746-2013>>> Blogs:> Psychology Today http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-out-your-mind > Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-c-hayes-phd>> If you want my vita, publications, PowerPoint slides, try my training page or my blog at the ACBS site: > http://www.contextualpsychology.org/steven_hayes> http://www.contextualpsychology.org/blog/steven_hayes >> or you can try my website (it is semi-functional) stevenchayes.com>> If you have any questions about ACT or RFT (articles, AAQ information etc), please first check the vast resources at website of the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS): www.contextualpsychology.org. You have to register on the site to download things, but the cost if up to your own values. >> If you are a professional or student and want to be part of the world wide ACT discussion or RFT discussions go to http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy/join >> or>> http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/relationalframetheory/join>> If you are a member of the public reading ACT self-help books (e.g., " Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life " etc) and want to be part of the conversation go to: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join >>> >>>> >>>> In chapter 7 of GOOYMAIYL (page 90 according to my Kindle version), has an exercise called Retelling Your Own Story. >>>> Summarised, it goes like this. First, write the story of your suffering and the reasons for it. Then reread it and underline the facts, the actual events that happened. Finally, use those facts to tell a different story. It might be useful to repeat the last part to see how many different stories you can come up with. >>>> Essentially, this is a defusion exercise to help us let go of our attachment to our conceptualised self, the part of us that tells us who and why we are the way we are. Thing like: I'm anxious, I'm not as good as other people, I'm (in my case) a skeptic, I'm this, I'm that. >>>> In my last session with my gambling counsellor, I told him how, a year before I was born (way back in 1948), my parents had a daughter. One freezing winter's night in London where they lived at the time, they took her into their bed to keep her warm. When they woke up the next morning, they found her dead. She had suffocated. >>>> While telling my counsellor about this, I told him that my mother didn't like being hugged. In my late twenties, I tried hugging her for a while until she told me not to. I was disappointed, but I accepted it. >>>> As the session went on, I began to weave a story to try and make sense of why physical affection wasn't a part of our family life and the effect it's had on me since. Their grief and trauma (talking about it one day, my father said he called himself a murderer) made them afraid of being overly affectionate; it was the 1950s and they were British; my mother was an introvert; and so on. >>>> The point of sharing this is that it shows how easy it is for me to weave a story from what happened to explain why I am the way I am. Take the same facts, and I could come up with lots of different stories. One of them may be true, or none of them, I can't be sure. >>>> One thing I do know, however, is that they were good parents and they loved me and I loved them, even if we didn't say so in words and touches. No story my mind comes up with will ever change that fact. >>>> The stories we weave around the event in our lives are just that: stories. We can use those same facts to spin all kinds of yarns to explain how we came to be the way we are now.>>>> Who we are deep down is not the stories we tell ourselves, so hold them lightly. >>>> Cheers,>> Stan>>>> >> >>> > This dropped into my inbox:>> >>> > " I'm tired of hearing others say: " It's just my story. " I'm tired of spiritual teachers telling their students " to drop their story. " And I'm just as tired of us devaluing our story — our personal history — as I am of us overvaluing or overdramatizing it. What's needed is a deep honoring of our story, through which we mine from it what we need to become more integrated, more real, more at home with all that we are. " >> >>> > Augustus Masters>> >>> >>> > What do people think? I agree with him, the " drop your story " decree just grates on my nerves, it seems so dismissive and non-compassionate. And so simplistic, it's a catch phrase that inhibits and negates the search for insight. >> >>> > Kate>> >>>>> > Reply to sender <stevenchayes@...?subject\x3dRe%3A%20%5BACT_for_the_Public%5D%20Re%3A%20Your%20%22story%22> | Reply to group <ACT_for_the_Public ?subject\x3dRe%3A%20%5BACT_for_the_Public%5D%20Re%3A%20Your%20%22story%22> | Reply via web post <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/post;_ylc=X3oDMTJybW9uN3RsBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzE1NjE5Mjg3BGdycHNwSWQDMTcwNTA2MTI0OARtc2dJZAMxNjExOARzZWMDZnRyBHNsawNycGx5BHN0aW1lAzEzMTYyMzQ5OTg-?act=reply & messageNum=16118> | Start a New Topic <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/post;_ylc=X3oDMTJmdjg5Z2ZmBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzE1NjE5Mjg3BGdycHNwSWQDMTcwNTA2MTI0OARzZWMDZnRyBHNsawNudHBjBHN0aW1lAzEzMTYyMzQ5OTg-> > Messages in this topic <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/message/16111;_ylc=X3oDMTM3NjFrMDBiBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzE1NjE5Mjg3BGdycHNwSWQDMTcwNTA2MTI0OARtc2dJZAMxNjExOARzZWMDZnRyBHNsawN2dHBjBHN0aW1lAzEzMTYyMzQ5OTgEdHBjSWQDMTYxMTE-> (8) > Recent Activity:>> Visit Your Group <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public;_ylc=X3oDMTJmOXU0NXJlBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzE1NjE5Mjg3BGdycHNwSWQDMTcwNTA2MTI0OARzZWMDdnRsBHNsawN2Z2hwBHN0aW1lAzEzMTYyMzQ5OTg-> > For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.org>> If you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may> unsubscribe by sending an email to > ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe > MARKETPLACE>> Stay on top of your group activity without leaving the page you're on - Get the Yahoo! Toolbar now. <http://global.ard.yahoo.com/SIG=15r40q2m6/M=493064.14543979.14562481.13298430/D=grphealth/S=1705061248:MKP1/Y=YAHOO/EXP=1316242198/L=7ec03bf2-e0e8-11e0-a456-ef1dbcd90ffd/B=f7GRS2KJiT4-/J=1316234998490568/K=nd3btS8Zb7OjInTvBox2Fg/A=6060255/R=0/SIG=1194m4keh/*http://us.toolbar.yahoo.com/?.cpdl=grpj> >> ________________________________> A bad score is 596. A good idea is checking yours at freecreditscore.com. <http://global.ard.yahoo.com/SIG=15rbo3b2d/M=791726.14854538.14596965.10835568/D=grphealth/S=1705061248:MKP1/Y=YAHOO/EXP=1316242198/L=7ec03bf2-e0e8-11e0-a456-ef1dbcd90ffd/B=frGRS2KJiT4-/J=1316234998490568/K=nd3btS8Zb7OjInTvBox2Fg/A=6489223/R=0/SIG=1304f1scb/*http://www.freecreditscore.com/dni/default.aspx?SiteVersionID=997 & sc=671266 & bcd=YGROUPS_Bad596> > <http://groups.yahoo.com/;_ylc=X3oDMTJlcDE1N2YxBF9TAzk3NDc2NTkwBGdycElkAzE1NjE5Mjg3BGdycHNwSWQDMTcwNTA2MTI0OARzZWMDZnRyBHNsawNnZnAEc3RpbWUDMTMxNjIzNDk5OA--> > Switch to: Text-Only,-- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 " It all comes down to how one says it and/or how one takes it I suppose. " Nice job cutting to the chase, Kate!D > >> I guess I should have been clearer, I wasn't meaning to imply that ACT uses this phrase or language. I was curious about how people felt about this notion of " dropping the story " . That phrase gets bandied about a fair lot, not necessarily on this list. > Although that's interesting that refers to the " just having a thought " idea as being potentially invalidating in a similar vein. It all comes down to how one says it and/or how one takes it I suppose. >> Thanks for the link, I'll take a look.>> Kate>> >> >>> > What do people think? I agree with him, the " drop your story " >> > decree just grates on my nerves, it seems so dismissive and>> > non-compassionate. And so simplistic, it's a catch phrase that >> > inhibits and negates the search for insight.>>>> I wonder - what is the " decree " here? Who is making it? Who is it>> who is being non-compassionate and dismissive? >>>> I wonder if there is not some fear here, some expression of our>> discomfort, rather than a real " other " who is decreeing this or>> that?>>>> Masters is interesting. He seems to set up as a shaman, a >> psychodynamically oriented spiritual therapist - see his web site:>>>> http://www.robertmasters.com/home.htm>>>> He seems sort of in the Carl Jung/ Hillman/ >> tradition of owning our shadows, etc. That can certainly be very>> seductive & sometimes I like what such therapists have to say; I>> have a book I am reading right now that I am liking. >>>> I do think that there is no one in the ACT tradition who is>> " decreeing " anything one way or another - and certainly I don't see>> any intent in the ACT model to invalidate or attack. That is why I >> say it sounds to me like our own fear of being invalidated. It is a>> legitimate concern.>>>> Along those lines here is an excerpt from a Steve email to the>> ACT professional list that seems interesting & relevant - it is from >> yesterday & comes from a discussion on that list of Krisin Neff's>> work and of the relation between defusion and self-compassion:>>>> " When we say 'I'm have the thought that' as an act of kindness (as >> you might when talking to a child about nightmares) it is different>> than the judgmental version ('you are just having a thought, sucker,>> Snap out of it'). Silly voices or word repetition as a way of >> turning on the light is different than the same methods as a way of>> wagging a finger.>>>> " I do get concerned when people want to throw out defusion because it>> is invalidating etc. It can be. When I've made errors clinically it >> surely was in that moment. But it can also be hugely validating and>> empowered -- it carries the deep message that we were suffering>> inside and illusion.>>>> " Turning on the light can be one of the kindest things you can do for >> yourself. " >>>> If anyone is curious, below is the link to the message & the thread>> in question ->>>> http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy/message/23587 >>>> - Randy>>>> -- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Thanks for the interesting discourse and the links to other threads, posts. The value obtained from my experience with my pscyhodynamic therapist was in direct proportion to the extent we stayed out of the mindy explanations and reasons and went with less words, more gentle questioning, trusting the moment, my heart, my gut, my experience. Unfortunately, the intellectual insight trumped experiential too often. As in much of the time. Loads of time and money and energy barking up interesting and not at all useful trees. Lots of sadness around that. The glimpses offered me nonetheless stay with me to this day, and many threads worth following, valuable. In fact, with ACT and holding lightly more, a lot of the goodies found in those years are proving more relevant than ever. No need to throw the helpful stuff out with the unhelpful anymore, although initially that's just what I tried to do. > > > > Kate said, > > > I was curious about how people felt about this notion of " dropping > > the story " . That phrase gets bandied about a fair lot, not > > necessarily on this list. > > Hi Kate, > > Actually, I think there is far more pressure exerted by ourselves > and those around us & by our culture - including the general culture > of psychotherapy - to " claim our story " than there is to " drop our > story. " That was one reason I asked who it is that says " drop your > story " in such a blaming or noncompassionate way. What I hear people > trafficking in is so much the opposite: story, story, and more > story. > > The danger with " claim your story " in the sense of " and then you > will have some real insight " is that it seems to say there is one > true narrative about ourselves and our past and therefore about who > we are and what we can do for ourselves. > > This is psychodynamic talk in spades, harkening back to Freud in the > sense of treating the past as separate from the present. Such > language can sometimes sound very similar to ACT language about > being self-compassionate - for example, imagining ourselves as a > child with the same hurt we have now, and then imagining what we > would say to that child. But there are some differences that should > be noted. > > The psychodynamic metaphors we so often use of " discovering " or > " unearthing " our past, and with it the insights that this past > supposedly contains, all assume one thing: that our authenticity or > true self is a kind of inert substance, something that lies hidden > but unaltered and intact until we find it. And they assume too that > this truth will not change once we have found it. This is the view > that Masters is promoting when he uses language like " mining " our > story for " what we need to become more integrated, " etc. > > It sounds great, especially if we feel we have been wronged in the > past by other persons or ourselves. And yet I think it can lead to > some real dead ends. > > For example, I have mentioned before on this list that back in 2004, > I was working with a " schema " therapist. Schema therapy was invented > by a psychologist named Young as a psychodynamic overlay to > conventional CBT. It proposes that people's difficulties can be > accounted for by " schemas, " which are basically patterns of > dysfunction traceable back to bad parenting. In my case, my very > nice & compassionate (and I mean this sincerely) schema therapist > tried to help me by showing how my father was to blame for my > depression and other difficulties. This revived my anger against my > father but gave me nowhere to go with it. I had a nice story that > " explained " my problem, but now what? > > I ditched schema therapy for this reason. And later I realized that > my stories about my dad were riddled with all kinds of inaccuracies, > and moreover weren't helpful in moving me toward what I wanted - to > help him as he was, even if it wasn't perfect; to have a relationship > with him even if it wasn't perfect; etc. So I dropped those stories. > Did I have " insights " that helped me do so? I guess so; but not in > the sense that psychodynamic therapy normally speaks of " insight. " > It was not about the past; it was about the now. > > We bring our past with us in the form of stories and story-telling > and the way that our emotions impact us in the present. Yet the past > is not a static thing waiting to be discovered, and neither are we. > The past is a dynamic process unfolding in the present as we make > choices, and we are - well, it is hard to say what we are, but one > thing we are not is static. The only static thing is being here now. > > Re-read 's poem about someone waiting for a train that > never comes. That is the perfect picture of what our culture and our > minds so often tell us we need to do: uncover some static, inert > " insight " or " truth " that will set us free and let us live again. I > am providing the link again here - that poem is worth re-reading: > > http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/message/15045 > > Personally, what I tell myself these days is not " get some insight " > but more like " don't wait for insight. " > > I am curious though to hear if your experience has been different - > for example, if a psychodynamic approach has worked well for you; or > if there are specific writers who seem to be urging us to " drop the > story " in a way that seems invalidating. > > - Randy > > P.S. I like 's question that he posed just now in his reply. " Some > of both " is an answer that is alive with the tension of being human. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Steve, thanks for telling more about that chapter in thebook of your life! Can I say that the new chapter sounds exciting!? (the63 year old)Your story catapulted me into a dilemma - a runaway fusion: Maybe some of you would like to give me some input? Sorry for the long post.Recently, I have been promoted - i.e. I have a little moreresponsibility at work than before.This small promotion has changed how I see work in ways that are notaccording to my values. What I mean is I take too tooo muchresponsibility for the whole organization, for my colleagues ... My bosseven warned me of this when she asked me- she said that I would needhelp not taking this role too seriously. My values at work - that wherepretty clear before I was asked - suddenly became "non existent".The story that could be attached to this could be one of many but whynot start with:I was a 3,5 years old swedish speaking kid, going to an all frenchkindergarten (We where living in France) going to the smaller kidssection of the school where things where both soft but also barren). Oneday, out of the blue I was moved up to the older kids section who where3 - 5 years old. You could say I was "promoted". I think that thatchange contributed to me gradually stopping being "Henrik" andpsychologically becoming an automaton.Sorry folks... the next part is heavy...That promotion took away everything joyful and added fear, screamingfrom the sadistic teacher, discipline, sitting still all day, homework,getting locked in, not being allowed to talk, not being allowed to gothe bathroom, no liberty. The "upside" was learning to count, read andwrite. As I was swedish, I didn't get what is was all about. There wasno upside for me, unfortunately. I didn't learn either reading, writingor counting to 100. I was there for 1,5 years. I was always remindedthat I was the slowest/most stupid (but most silent which was amitigating circumstance) pupil in the class, and was punished andpublicly mocked for it....I think this story and others still influences me in many ways ----I often hold back from taking initiatives that could put me insituations where I'm challenged in unexpected ways.-I keep to myself inside my head (I found safety in my head when theteacher was screaming and when I didn't understand what they where alltalking about). I have a limited social life and an almost non existentromantic life.-When in new, challenging situations - my back becomes rigid andstraight and I loose myself to a kind of automaton with limited accessto any kind of thinking process - trying to act the part of a "superperson".-etc...Acceptance and defusion:I need to accept this story and defuse from it, all the while carryingthis little kid with me - the way you often model it, Steve.Values:While doing this, I need to find myself - Henrik - and see what kind ofperson I want to be at work. What can I change in the way I work so thatit's fun to go to work? The world is changing faster and faster, withmore and more challenges - so I need to change with it - all the whileremaining Henrik. "Henrik" is a concept that is hard for me to maintain.Is it even useful as it could be moving deeper into self as concept?Committed action:Perhaps "Henrik" is about:-finding smart ways and short cuts to do things that make my lifebetter.-joking-being lazy-opening up my heart to my colleagues, friends and clients-helping them to open up their hearts-trying to slow things down when the "automaton" is taking over so thatI can go back to acceptance.Any comments are welcome,With appreciationHenrik Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 I think the idea of dropping the story is a very interesting and valuable one. Where I get stuck is the story of who I should be and where I should be and how things should be for me. I also have the story of how I should be feeling. It's funny how forceful that narrative can be and how insistent it is on being heard. When it's going, which is most of the time, it just bangs on my gut like a drum. I think dropping the story is a lot like dropping the rope. It's something that I know is good for me and makes so much sense, yet I find it very difficult to do. I, too have done a lot of work on my childhood issues and not gotten much relief from it. There are things from my childhood that I've tried to accept and understand that they don't have to control me now. I've had had some bad things happen in my life but so has most everybody else. I've certainly known of many people with much tougher situations. A lot of my anxiety and depression now is tension between how a story in my head says things should be and the way they seem to be. I compare myself to the story and I don't like the result. So I think finding a way to get outside the story would be big for me. But I'm a story guy, too. The most interesting thing to me are stories about people and I have a hard time not taking them to heart, whether they're about other people or myself. It's kind of funny that I work with stories as part of my job so I know how easily they can be manipulated. Through editing, you can give give totally different impressions from the same raw material. The story that's presented in the hands of the editor. I guess I'm not doing a great job editing the story of my own situation. I'm not sure dropping the story and owning your story are that different in the end. It seems like it's about acceptance of the way things are. I don't know how my story got written. I guess I'm the owner of it but there are elements in it that I have no idea where they came from. Too much TV, maybe or maybe just being human. Anyway, I like this discussion. Dropping the story of the past and the imagined future and living in the present moment is a huge challenge for me and I appreciate everyone's comments. The stories I like most of all are the ones about people making progress in their lives through ACT. Bruce Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Bruce, I was very inspired by your thoughtful honesty in this post. Thanks. Now if you can just "shoulding" on yourself. If only we all could. We are making progress, an itty bit at a time, but nevertheless, moving forward. Hold on to that and make it part of the story! Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, September 17, 2011 2:28:56 PMSubject: Re: Re: Your "story" I think the idea of dropping the story is a very interesting and valuable one. Where I get stuck is the story of who I should be and where I should be and how things should be for me. I also have the story of how I should be feeling. It's funny how forceful that narrative can be and how insistent it is on being heard. When it's going, which is most of the time, it just bangs on my gut like a drum. I think dropping the story is a lot like dropping the rope. It's something that I know is good for me and makes so much sense, yet I find it very difficult to do.I, too have done a lot of work on my childhood issues and not gotten much relief from it. There are things from my childhood that I've tried to accept and understand that they don't have to control me now. I've had had some bad things happen in my life but so has most everybody else. I've certainly known of many people with much tougher situations.A lot of my anxiety and depression now is tension between how a story in my head says things should be and the way they seem to be. I compare myself to the story and I don't like the result. So I think finding a way to get outside the story would be big for me. But I'm a story guy, too. The most interesting thing to me are stories about people and I have a hard time not taking them to heart, whether they're about other people or myself. It's kind of funny that I work with stories as part of my job so I know how easily they can be manipulated. Through editing, you can give give totally different impressions from the same raw material. The story that's presented in the hands of the editor. I guess I'm not doing a great job editing the story of my own situation.I'm not sure dropping the story and owning your story are that different in the end. It seems like it's about acceptance of the way things are. I don't know how my story got written. I guess I'm the owner of it but there are elements in it that I have no idea where they came from. Too much TV, maybe or maybe just being human.Anyway, I like this discussion. Dropping the story of the past and the imagined future and living in the present moment is a huge challenge for me and I appreciate everyone's comments. The stories I like most of all are the ones about people making progress in their lives through ACT.Bruce Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Make that 'just STOP "shoulding" on yourself' - but you probably caught that. To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, September 17, 2011 2:38:18 PMSubject: Re: Re: Your "story" Bruce, I was very inspired by your thoughtful honesty in this post. Thanks. Now if you can just "shoulding" on yourself. If only we all could. We are making progress, an itty bit at a time, but nevertheless, moving forward. Hold on to that and make it part of the story! Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, September 17, 2011 2:28:56 PMSubject: Re: Re: Your "story" I think the idea of dropping the story is a very interesting and valuable one. Where I get stuck is the story of who I should be and where I should be and how things should be for me. I also have the story of how I should be feeling. It's funny how forceful that narrative can be and how insistent it is on being heard. When it's going, which is most of the time, it just bangs on my gut like a drum. I think dropping the story is a lot like dropping the rope. It's something that I know is good for me and makes so much sense, yet I find it very difficult to do.I, too have done a lot of work on my childhood issues and not gotten much relief from it. There are things from my childhood that I've tried to accept and understand that they don't have to control me now. I've had had some bad things happen in my life but so has most everybody else. I've certainly known of many people with much tougher situations.A lot of my anxiety and depression now is tension between how a story in my head says things should be and the way they seem to be. I compare myself to the story and I don't like the result. So I think finding a way to get outside the story would be big for me. But I'm a story guy, too. The most interesting thing to me are stories about people and I have a hard time not taking them to heart, whether they're about other people or myself. It's kind of funny that I work with stories as part of my job so I know how easily they can be manipulated. Through editing, you can give give totally different impressions from the same raw material. The story that's presented in the hands of the editor. I guess I'm not doing a great job editing the story of my own situation.I'm not sure dropping the story and owning your story are that different in the end. It seems like it's about acceptance of the way things are. I don't know how my story got written. I guess I'm the owner of it but there are elements in it that I have no idea where they came from. Too much TV, maybe or maybe just being human.Anyway, I like this discussion. Dropping the story of the past and the imagined future and living in the present moment is a huge challenge for me and I appreciate everyone's comments. The stories I like most of all are the ones about people making progress in their lives through ACT.Bruce Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Hej Henrik:I'm sorry I don't have a good answer for you but I do identify with your dilemma. I was also traumatized in kindergarten, although my situation wasn't nearly as tough as yours and I was a little older. But it had long-lasting impact on my life and who I have become over time.I guess what I would say is that you have learned a lot about how you can respond in your new role. Your boss must think you are capable. You must have been doing a good job in your previous role and your boss must think you have some people skills to have you take responsibilities for your colleagues. She doesn't see you as an automaton. Sometimes others can see things in us we don't see in ourselves. I'm not sure what you mean by the fact that your promotion has taken you away from your values. Maybe you could elaborate on that a little bit.It also strikes me that it's very normal to feel unsettled by a promotion at work. I have a friend who is newly responsible for managing people and he's told me he's really struggling with it. I don't supervise anyone but I don't doubt that it would cause me a lot of anxiety if I did. I myself am struggling a lot with not feeling "in the middle of things" at work. I feel like my role is not important to the core work of my organization and that I'm not bringing enough to the party. Interestingly, this feels like I felt in elementary school, too. That feeling of being on the outside, not fitting in or knowing my role. Work is such a big part of our daily lives that it's not too surprising that childhood stuff can repeat itself in the workplace. School was kind of our first outside the home job.Anyway, best of luck on your new job. I really hope it turns out well for you.Bruce Steve, thanks for telling more about that chapter in thebook of your life! Can I say that the new chapter sounds exciting!? (the63 year old)Your story catapulted me into a dilemma - a runaway fusion: Maybe some of you would like to give me some input? Sorry for the long post.Recently, I have been promoted - i.e. I have a little moreresponsibility at work than before.This small promotion has changed how I see work in ways that are notaccording to my values. What I mean is I take too tooo muchresponsibility for the whole organization, for my colleagues ... My bosseven warned me of this when she asked me- she said that I would needhelp not taking this role too seriously. My values at work - that wherepretty clear before I was asked - suddenly became "non existent".The story that could be attached to this could be one of many but whynot start with:I was a 3,5 years old swedish speaking kid, going to an all frenchkindergarten (We where living in France) going to the smaller kidssection of the school where things where both soft but also barren). Oneday, out of the blue I was moved up to the older kids section who where3 - 5 years old. You could say I was "promoted". I think that thatchange contributed to me gradually stopping being "Henrik" andpsychologically becoming an automaton.Sorry folks... the next part is heavy...That promotion took away everything joyful and added fear, screamingfrom the sadistic teacher, discipline, sitting still all day, homework,getting locked in, not being allowed to talk, not being allowed to gothe bathroom, no liberty. The "upside" was learning to count, read andwrite. As I was swedish, I didn't get what is was all about. There wasno upside for me, unfortunately. I didn't learn either reading, writingor counting to 100. I was there for 1,5 years. I was always remindedthat I was the slowest/most stupid (but most silent which was amitigating circumstance) pupil in the class, and was punished andpublicly mocked for it....I think this story and others still influences me in many ways ----I often hold back from taking initiatives that could put me insituations where I'm challenged in unexpected ways.-I keep to myself inside my head (I found safety in my head when theteacher was screaming and when I didn't understand what they where alltalking about). I have a limited social life and an almost non existentromantic life.-When in new, challenging situations - my back becomes rigid andstraight and I loose myself to a kind of automaton with limited accessto any kind of thinking process - trying to act the part of a "superperson".-etc...Acceptance and defusion:I need to accept this story and defuse from it, all the while carryingthis little kid with me - the way you often model it, Steve.Values:While doing this, I need to find myself - Henrik - and see what kind ofperson I want to be at work. What can I change in the way I work so thatit's fun to go to work? The world is changing faster and faster, withmore and more challenges - so I need to change with it - all the whileremaining Henrik. "Henrik" is a concept that is hard for me to maintain.Is it even useful as it could be moving deeper into self as concept?Committed action:Perhaps "Henrik" is about:-finding smart ways and short cuts to do things that make my lifebetter.-joking-being lazy-opening up my heart to my colleagues, friends and clients-helping them to open up their hearts-trying to slow things down when the "automaton" is taking over so thatI can go back to acceptance.Any comments are welcome,With appreciationHenrik Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Hey Bruce,I'm amazed at how many people on this list are into blogging, editing, teaching, writing. Sometimes the words really get in the way. I think there remains a lot of confusion about this exercise. I think you may know this but just in case, remember the story of your life exercise is not about editing or manipulating or getting rid of. The exercise is just about noticing how we use words to talk about who we are, where we were and where we're going and just appreciating how this may be entrapping us more than we realize..just to gently look at what I'm paying attention to, what I'm feeding a bit much and what I'm leaving hungry and what I may be ignoring altogether! And owning that, practicing with shifting some here and there. You do it from a curious, defused, open place. If it's feeling heavy, notice that too and maybe back up there. Hang out with all the spaces in between. Nothing too complicated. I am finding collage very helpful for to get out of my wordy, mindy, language strapped mind. I'm doing a collage this weekend about my values. Highly recommend this to everyone! You can do one about a specific area of your life too. Have fun..hope that helps.To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Saturday, September 17, 2011 11:28 AMSubject: Re: Re: Your "story"I think the idea of dropping the story is a very interesting and valuable one. Where I get stuck is the story of who I should be and where I should be and how things should be for me. I also have the story of how I should be feeling. It's funny how forceful that narrative can be and how insistent it is on being heard. When it's going, which is most of the time, it just bangs on my gut like a drum. I think dropping the story is a lot like dropping the rope. It's something that I know is good for me and makes so much sense, yet I find it very difficult to do.I, too have done a lot of work on my childhood issues and not gotten much relief from it. There are things from my childhood that I've tried to accept and understand that they don't have to control me now. I've had had some bad things happen in my life but so has most everybody else. I've certainly known of many people with much tougher situations.A lot of my anxiety and depression now is tension between how a story in my head says things should be and the way they seem to be. I compare myself to the story and I don't like the result. So I think finding a way to get outside the story would be big for me. But I'm a story guy, too. The most interesting thing to me are stories about people and I have a hard time not taking them to heart, whether they're about other people or myself. It's kind of funny that I work with stories as part of my job so I know how easily they can be manipulated. Through editing, you can give give totally different impressions from the same raw material. The story that's presented in the hands of the editor. I guess I'm not doing a great job editing the story of my own situation.I'm not sure dropping the story and owning your story are that different in the end. It seems like it's about acceptance of the way things are. I don't know how my story got written. I guess I'm the owner of it but there are elements in it that I have no idea where they came from. Too much TV, maybe or maybe just being human.Anyway, I like this discussion. Dropping the story of the past and the imagined future and living in the present moment is a huge challenge for me and I appreciate everyone's comments. The stories I like most of all are the ones about people making progress in their lives through ACT.Bruce------------------------------------For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.orgIf you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may unsubscribe by sending an email to ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links<*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/<*> Your email settings: Individual Email | Traditional<*> To change settings online go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join (Yahoo! ID required)<*> To change settings via email: ACT_for_the_Public-digest ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured <*> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Hi TheresaI think the idea of using a collage within ACT is a very good one. For example, I think that using imagery as a way of expressing values might work well. When I am in my old people's home, looking back over my photo albums that recorded much of my life, what pictures will I want to see in them? I would say that pictures are very good at recording what happened (actions) and that they would be less able to twist and be judgemental as our words can. When I am in that old people's home, I would much rather be looking back at a photo album of my life than reading my daily journal. I know which will better capture what I have done with my life, and which will better captures all my useless thoughts. I would love to know where the collage thing goes, and whether other people have done much of this. xTo: "ACT_for_the_Public " <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, 17 September 2011, 20:58Subject: Re: Re: Your "story" Hey Bruce,I'm amazed at how many people on this list are into blogging, editing, teaching, writing. Sometimes the words really get in the way. I think there remains a lot of confusion about this exercise. I think you may know this but just in case, remember the story of your life exercise is not about editing or manipulating or getting rid of. The exercise is just about noticing how we use words to talk about who we are, where we were and where we're going and just appreciating how this may be entrapping us more than we realize..just to gently look at what I'm paying attention to, what I'm feeding a bit much and what I'm leaving hungry and what I may be ignoring altogether! And owning that, practicing with shifting some here and there. You do it from a curious, defused, open place. If it's feeling heavy, notice that too and maybe back up there. Hang out with all the spaces in between. Nothing too complicated. I am finding collage very helpful for to get out of my wordy, mindy, language strapped mind. I'm doing a collage this weekend about my values. Highly recommend this to everyone! You can do one about a specific area of your life too. Have fun..hope that helps.To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Saturday, September 17, 2011 11:28 AMSubject: Re: Re: Your "story"I think the idea of dropping the story is a very interesting and valuable one. Where I get stuck is the story of who I should be and where I should be and how things should be for me. I also have the story of how I should be feeling. It's funny how forceful that narrative can be and how insistent it is on being heard. When it's going, which is most of the time, it just bangs on my gut like a drum. I think dropping the story is a lot like dropping the rope. It's something that I know is good for me and makes so much sense, yet I find it very difficult to do.I, too have done a lot of work on my childhood issues and not gotten much relief from it. There are things from my childhood that I've tried to accept and understand that they don't have to control me now. I've had had some bad things happen in my life but so has most everybody else. I've certainly known of many people with much tougher situations.A lot of my anxiety and depression now is tension between how a story in my head says things should be and the way they seem to be. I compare myself to the story and I don't like the result. So I think finding a way to get outside the story would be big for me. But I'm a story guy, too. The most interesting thing to me are stories about people and I have a hard time not taking them to heart, whether they're about other people or myself. It's kind of funny that I work with stories as part of my job so I know how easily they can be manipulated. Through editing, you can give give totally different impressions from the same raw material. The story that's presented in the hands of the editor. I guess I'm not doing a great job editing the story of my own situation.I'm not sure dropping the story and owning your story are that different in the end. It seems like it's about acceptance of the way things are. I don't know how my story got written. I guess I'm the owner of it but there are elements in it that I have no idea where they came from. Too much TV, maybe or maybe just being human.Anyway, I like this discussion. Dropping the story of the past and the imagined future and living in the present moment is a huge challenge for me and I appreciate everyone's comments. The stories I like most of all are the ones about people making progress in their lives through ACT.Bruce------------------------------------For other ACT materials and list serves see www.contextualpsychology.orgIf you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may unsubscribe by sending an email to ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links<*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/<*> Your email settings: Individual Email | Traditional<*> To change settings online go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join (Yahoo! ID required)<*> To change settings via email: ACT_for_the_Public-digest ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured <*> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Thank you Bruce, for you encouraging words! I think you do have a good answer in that you tell me you've had a similar experience, both in the kindergarten and at work. You provide a sense of connection for me. Your question why I feel the promotion has taken me out of my values is a good one. I must think about that, and get back. Henrik > > > > >> Steve, thanks for telling more about that chapter in the > > book of your life! Can I say that the new chapter sounds exciting!? > > (the > > 63 year old) > > > > > > > > Your story catapulted me into a dilemma - a runaway fusion: Maybe > > some of you would like to give me some input? Sorry for the long post. > > > > Recently, I have been promoted - i.e. I have a little more > > responsibility at work than before. > > > > This small promotion has changed how I see work in ways that are not > > according to my values. What I mean is I take too tooo much > > responsibility for the whole organization, for my colleagues ... My > > boss > > even warned me of this when she asked me- she said that I would need > > help not taking this role too seriously. My values at work - that > > where > > pretty clear before I was asked - suddenly became " non existent " . > > > > > > > > > > The story that could be attached to this could be one of many but why > > not start with: > > > > I was a 3,5 years old swedish speaking kid, going to an all french > > kindergarten (We where living in France) going to the smaller kids > > section of the school where things where both soft but also barren). > > One > > day, out of the blue I was moved up to the older kids section who > > where > > 3 - 5 years old. You could say I was " promoted " . I think that that > > change contributed to me gradually stopping being " Henrik " and > > psychologically becoming an automaton. > > > > > > > > > > Sorry folks... the next part is heavy... > > > > > > > > > > That promotion took away everything joyful and added fear, screaming > > from the sadistic teacher, discipline, sitting still all day, > > homework, > > getting locked in, not being allowed to talk, not being allowed to go > > the bathroom, no liberty. The " upside " was learning to count, read and > > write. As I was swedish, I didn't get what is was all about. There was > > no upside for me, unfortunately. I didn't learn either reading, > > writing > > or counting to 100. I was there for 1,5 years. I was always reminded > > that I was the slowest/most stupid (but most silent which was a > > mitigating circumstance) pupil in the class, and was punished and > > publicly mocked for it. > > > > > > > > > > ... > > > > > > > > > > I think this story and others still influences me in many ways --- > > > > -I often hold back from taking initiatives that could put me in > > situations where I'm challenged in unexpected ways. > > > > -I keep to myself inside my head (I found safety in my head when the > > teacher was screaming and when I didn't understand what they where all > > talking about). I have a limited social life and an almost non > > existent > > romantic life. > > > > -When in new, challenging situations - my back becomes rigid and > > straight and I loose myself to a kind of automaton with limited access > > to any kind of thinking process - trying to act the part of a " super > > person " . > > > > -etc... > > > > > > > > > > Acceptance and defusion: > > > > I need to accept this story and defuse from it, all the while carrying > > this little kid with me - the way you often model it, Steve. > > > > > > > > > > Values: > > > > While doing this, I need to find myself - Henrik - and see what kind > > of > > person I want to be at work. What can I change in the way I work so > > that > > it's fun to go to work? The world is changing faster and faster, with > > more and more challenges - so I need to change with it - all the while > > remaining Henrik. " Henrik " is a concept that is hard for me to > > maintain. > > Is it even useful as it could be moving deeper into self as concept? > > > > > > > > > > Committed action: > > > > Perhaps " Henrik " is about: > > > > -finding smart ways and short cuts to do things that make my life > > better. > > > > -joking > > > > -being lazy > > > > -opening up my heart to my colleagues, friends and clients > > > > -helping them to open up their hearts > > > > -trying to slow things down when the " automaton " is taking over so > > that > > I can go back to acceptance. > > > > > > > > > > Any comments are welcome, > > > > > > > > > > With appreciation > > > > Henrik > >> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Yes, "shoulds" are a huge part of my emotional pain, including that I shouldn't be in emotional pain. Working on acceptance is huge for me. I'm trying to embrace self-compassion to give myself a break. I haven't balanced that with taking valued action very well yet. I struggle constantly with what I should do next or what I should be doing instead of what I am doing. This leads to a lot of time wasted or ill-spent. And a lot of regret and fear of more regret in the future. I'm feeling really low energy today for no good reason and that makes everything tough.BruceMake that 'just STOP "shoulding" on yourself' - but you probably caught that.To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, September 17, 2011 2:38:18 PMSubject: Re: Re: Your "story" Bruce, I was very inspired by your thoughtful honesty in this post. Thanks. Now if you can just "shoulding" on yourself. If only we all could. We are making progress, an itty bit at a time, but nevertheless, moving forward. Hold on to that and make it part of the story! HelenaTo: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, September 17, 2011 2:28:56 PMSubject: Re: Re: Your "story" I think the idea of dropping the story is a very interesting and valuable one. Where I get stuck is the story of who I should be and where I should be and how things should be for me. I also have the story of how I should be feeling. It's funny how forceful that narrative can be and how insistent it is on being heard. When it's going, which is most of the time, it just bangs on my gut like a drum. I think dropping the story is a lot like dropping the rope. It's something that I know is good for me and makes so much sense, yet I find it very difficult to do.I, too have done a lot of work on my childhood issues and not gotten much relief from it. There are things from my childhood that I've tried to accept and understand that they don't have to control me now. I've had had some bad things happen in my life but so has most everybody else. I've certainly known of many people with much tougher situations.A lot of my anxiety and depression now is tension between how a story in my head says things should be and the way they seem to be. I compare myself to the story and I don't like the result. So I think finding a way to get outside the story would be big for me. But I'm a story guy, too. The most interesting thing to me are stories about people and I have a hard time not taking them to heart, whether they're about other people or myself. It's kind of funny that I work with stories as part of my job so I know how easily they can be manipulated. Through editing, you can give give totally different impressions from the same raw material. The story that's presented in the hands of the editor. I guess I'm not doing a great job editing the story of my own situation.I'm not sure dropping the story and owning your story are that different in the end. It seems like it's about acceptance of the way things are. I don't know how my story got written. I guess I'm the owner of it but there are elements in it that I have no idea where they came from. Too much TV, maybe or maybe just being human.Anyway, I like this discussion. Dropping the story of the past and the imagined future and living in the present moment is a huge challenge for me and I appreciate everyone's comments. The stories I like most of all are the ones about people making progress in their lives through ACT.Bruce Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Thanks for opening up here, Henrik. I remember age 5 kindergarten not wanting to let go of my mother's hand that first day. I clung to her soft large hand as long as I could. At recess, I remember trying to imagine making myself small enough so that I might hide in-between the little decorative holes dotted here and there in the other-wise solid concrete walls outside, in the play area. And I remember wandering through the halls of the big new school, not knowing where I was, and comparing myself to others who surely looked as they knew. They knew how to get around and I didn't and this must mean that there is something wrong with me. It sure seemed that way. I think maybe I spent the rest of the year and maybe the rest of my life looking for that hand to hold onto and looking to crawl in those holes any time I could get. And this was not a result of any particular incident out of the ordinary, no overt neglect or abuse. Everyday kid stuff. And my mother was there every day to pick me up..make me a snack and ask me how my day was. I would cry a lot and opened up a lot with her and she comforted me and told me it would be O.K., told me the other kids are likely as scared as I am and maybe more so. And I remained terrified. It's amazing to me any of us make it this far. Congrats on your promotion. Allow yourself the joy and watch with careful eyes how sneaky your mind may be in small ways to try to rob of you this hard earned joy. Like maybe saying the job is taking you from your values. Maybe that's true, maybe not. Maybe too soon to know. What's the rush? Trying to figure out, mind? Oh, I see. Nice one. This is something I learned late. I had very good jobs before ACT and " blew it " so to speak, and have been trying to climb back with what I know and what I have now. It's not easy. Some days that little hole in the wall looks very nice. And I'm making it now so the hole is not such a bad thing to want to hang out in for a few minutes, pack in my bag. Just so long as it's more about feeding something healthy and not something that isn't. I had also been told to " look out " , was warned that I cared too much about people I was helping, that I took work too seriously. I didn't know what to do with that commenting. It made me more anxious. One therapist advised me to stay in my head and get out of heart. I was told I was taking things to much to heart, this was believed to be my problem. It wasn't. Opening your heart and caring is a beautiful thing. I don't know if anyone can ever care too much. Wanting to make a difference not such a shabby thing either, turns out! Who knew? My suffering has come from fusion with the caring, like it has to turn out a certain way. Like if it doesn't, I might need to get into that hole and disappear now and stay gone for a while kind of thing. Like I won't be able to handle whatever surprises life has to offer. It's when I forget to breathe, hold myself lovingly and when the mind starts to insist on controlling for certain outcomes that come from caring. Things I can't control for anyway. Turning away from what my experience, my body, the present moment is informing quietly now and instead paying attention, feeding all the noise in my head. So look closely at that part, the part your mind might be insisting on controlling, the part you just can't control. And focus on what you can. You can do this job and find joy with it. With all your caring there in your bag, there in your heart. Best to you and your process! > > > > > > > >> Steve, thanks for telling more about that chapter in the > > > book of your life! Can I say that the new chapter sounds exciting!? > > > (the > > > 63 year old) > > > > > > > > > > > > Your story catapulted me into a dilemma - a runaway fusion: Maybe > > > some of you would like to give me some input? Sorry for the long post. > > > > > > Recently, I have been promoted - i.e. I have a little more > > > responsibility at work than before. > > > > > > This small promotion has changed how I see work in ways that are not > > > according to my values. What I mean is I take too tooo much > > > responsibility for the whole organization, for my colleagues ... My > > > boss > > > even warned me of this when she asked me- she said that I would need > > > help not taking this role too seriously. My values at work - that > > > where > > > pretty clear before I was asked - suddenly became " non existent " . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The story that could be attached to this could be one of many but why > > > not start with: > > > > > > I was a 3,5 years old swedish speaking kid, going to an all french > > > kindergarten (We where living in France) going to the smaller kids > > > section of the school where things where both soft but also barren). > > > One > > > day, out of the blue I was moved up to the older kids section who > > > where > > > 3 - 5 years old. You could say I was " promoted " . I think that that > > > change contributed to me gradually stopping being " Henrik " and > > > psychologically becoming an automaton. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Sorry folks... the next part is heavy... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > That promotion took away everything joyful and added fear, screaming > > > from the sadistic teacher, discipline, sitting still all day, > > > homework, > > > getting locked in, not being allowed to talk, not being allowed to go > > > the bathroom, no liberty. The " upside " was learning to count, read and > > > write. As I was swedish, I didn't get what is was all about. There was > > > no upside for me, unfortunately. I didn't learn either reading, > > > writing > > > or counting to 100. I was there for 1,5 years. I was always reminded > > > that I was the slowest/most stupid (but most silent which was a > > > mitigating circumstance) pupil in the class, and was punished and > > > publicly mocked for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I think this story and others still influences me in many ways --- > > > > > > -I often hold back from taking initiatives that could put me in > > > situations where I'm challenged in unexpected ways. > > > > > > -I keep to myself inside my head (I found safety in my head when the > > > teacher was screaming and when I didn't understand what they where all > > > talking about). I have a limited social life and an almost non > > > existent > > > romantic life. > > > > > > -When in new, challenging situations - my back becomes rigid and > > > straight and I loose myself to a kind of automaton with limited access > > > to any kind of thinking process - trying to act the part of a " super > > > person " . > > > > > > -etc... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Acceptance and defusion: > > > > > > I need to accept this story and defuse from it, all the while carrying > > > this little kid with me - the way you often model it, Steve. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Values: > > > > > > While doing this, I need to find myself - Henrik - and see what kind > > > of > > > person I want to be at work. What can I change in the way I work so > > > that > > > it's fun to go to work? The world is changing faster and faster, with > > > more and more challenges - so I need to change with it - all the while > > > remaining Henrik. " Henrik " is a concept that is hard for me to > > > maintain. > > > Is it even useful as it could be moving deeper into self as concept? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Committed action: > > > > > > Perhaps " Henrik " is about: > > > > > > -finding smart ways and short cuts to do things that make my life > > > better. > > > > > > -joking > > > > > > -being lazy > > > > > > -opening up my heart to my colleagues, friends and clients > > > > > > -helping them to open up their hearts > > > > > > -trying to slow things down when the " automaton " is taking over so > > > that > > > I can go back to acceptance. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Any comments are welcome, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > With appreciation > > > > > > Henrik > > >> > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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