Re: Working with the skills

[Guest guest]

{{{Lou}}}

God, that's a heavy load. May you have the strength and wisdom to get through each day, moment by moment. Know that you are loved and lovable and are doing your best. Honestly don't know how to apply ACT in the midst of such crisis situations other than deep breathing and paddling water to keep from drowning. You will be in my thoughts.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, July 8, 2011 11:36:25 PMSubject: Working with the skills

On Wednesday night I fell asleep on the lounge waiting for my 15 year old daughter. I woke up at 10:30pm to find she still was not home. My mind immediately began catastrophising by recalling recent news reports of an attempted abduction at our local bus stop and a break-in with intent of physical assault within blocks of us. I jumped to the phone and called her, she answered and I said I was coming to pick her up. On my drive toward her I repeated my goal, `loving acceptance', over and over so that I could stay focused on my objective. I reinforced the fact that I love her and care very much about her safety on the drive home. She was oppositional, not interested in hearing it. When we got home I tried to communicate softly but she kept telling me how much she hates me and to just get out! I grew weak. She had taken my make-up the day before and I'd needed it but couldn't find it. Something in me snapped and I went in to her demanding my make-up back. She couldn't find it, she had lost it. SNAP. I went from zero to 100 in a split second and even stood as an observer to the damage that I was causing but couldn't stop it. I saw the fear in my daughters eyes as they welled up with tears and I still couldn't stop myself. I raised my voice so my throat became hoarse, I picked up a cardboard carton and threw it against the wall behind her, I advanced toward her, then turned and I slammed the door on the way out spouting, "I am not a piece of shit!" and then left her like that. *Sigh* It has been a long time since I have felt that intensity if anger, it had the adrenalin of jumping out of the plane. My lips were wet and I felt like my body was going to explode with energy.Thursday she went to school and text me during the day to say that she wasn't coming home. My efforts to communicate were fruitless. She left me. I attempt to drown away the sadness by engaging in avoidance and high-risk behaviours but of course we all know the outcome of such activities. Friday comes and I attempt to engage in valued activity and go to have lunch with my friend. From the moment I arrived, all I could think of was when it would be polite to say, "Ok, it was good to see you, I'll catch you later". I tried to `act interested', I listened and responded but I just had nothing to say really, didn't want to dump on him so there were long moments of nothing when he couldn't hold the conversation. Boring for both of us I suppose. I finally got away.At home again, I was relaxing with my music when my daughter came home demanding that I give her all her legal documents, birth certificate, passport etc. I complied and remained calm using an easy manner. She left abruptly when she had the documents, without saying good bye. I sat back down, text my daughter who said she'd be back in a week. I turned the music up and smoked enough pot to put me to sleep. I woke up and now it is Saturday.How can I improve my life today? I sit with my values, opt for the education domain and begin to review documents I'd been meaning to read. I lasted all of about 30 minutes, trying to come back again and again until finally I conceded to poor concentration. I put on a movie and engaged in escapism which I concluded was very badly edited and directed. Not to be discouraged, I put on another one, (it is a couple of hours killed after all), but thoughts and emotions keep rising and falling spontaneously. Now I can't concentrate on the movie. I meditate. I come out of it with a seemingly larger breath, a fuller or more open view I suppose. I go back to my values and my eyes focus on `physical health', to which my goal is `mindful pleasure'. Sounds good in theory, but I have no desire to get out of the chair. Back to the skills then...I write...sometimes...I wonder how to improve my life today? Now? For the next few hours? To feel vital? What is there to `do' at this moment that is going to make a difference?

[Guest guest]

Couple thoughts... I am a father of 3 sons so i can appreciate your feelings and

thoughts of fustration and difficulties.

When i think of myself as a parent... I think i wished i had " nice " children,

obedient, disciplined, smart, athletic, etc etc, ... when it dawned on me that

they can no longer be super human anymore than i can.

The other thing is that as parents, we tend to " give " so much to children, or

thinking that we do, and forget to live a valued and vital life of our own. We

or at least i do anyways, think that i sacrifice so much so that my sons can

have more, that they should feel grateful... when in fact, I have forgotten to

tend to my own garden and lead by example about choosing " how " to live. Thought?

What am I modeling here? What example do they see of how their father chose to

live?

The other week, my 18 year old son, had a nice summer job offer which he

probably missed the boat on, because he waited too long to reply. Inside me this

made me angry because my thoughts were how could he be so irresponsible. A

couple days later i relaxed and didn't let it bother me anymore, my thoughts

were about the big picture, that he needs to learn from disappointments and loss

as much as from success, because life will throw both at him and he will have to

deal w it.

Anyways, hope this helps, if not then just my ramblings.

Tom

>

>

> On Wednesday night I fell asleep on the lounge waiting for my 15 year old

daughter. I woke up at 10:30pm to find she still was not home. My mind

immediately began catastrophising by recalling recent news reports of an

attempted abduction at our local bus stop and a break-in with intent of physical

assault within blocks of us. I jumped to the phone and called her, she answered

and I said I was coming to pick her up. On my drive toward her I repeated my

goal, `loving acceptance', over and over so that I could stay focused on my

objective. I reinforced the fact that I love her and care very much about her

safety on the drive home. She was oppositional, not interested in hearing it.

>

> When we got home I tried to communicate softly but she kept telling me how

much she hates me and to just get out! I grew weak. She had taken my make-up the

day before and I'd needed it but couldn't find it. Something in me snapped and I

went in to her demanding my make-up back. She couldn't find it, she had lost it.

SNAP. I went from zero to 100 in a split second and even stood as an observer to

the damage that I was causing but couldn't stop it. I saw the fear in my

daughters eyes as they welled up with tears and I still couldn't stop myself. I

raised my voice so my throat became hoarse, I picked up a cardboard carton and

threw it against the wall behind her, I advanced toward her, then turned and I

slammed the door on the way out spouting, " I am not a piece of shit! " and then

left her like that. *Sigh* It has been a long time since I have felt that

intensity if anger, it had the adrenalin of jumping out of the plane. My lips

were wet and I felt like my body was going to explode with energy.

>

> Thursday she went to school and text me during the day to say that she wasn't

coming home. My efforts to communicate were fruitless. She left me. I attempt to

drown away the sadness by engaging in avoidance and high-risk behaviours but of

course we all know the outcome of such activities. Friday comes and I attempt to

engage in valued activity and go to have lunch with my friend. From the moment I

arrived, all I could think of was when it would be polite to say, " Ok, it was

good to see you, I'll catch you later " . I tried to `act interested', I listened

and responded but I just had nothing to say really, didn't want to dump on him

so there were long moments of nothing when he couldn't hold the conversation.

Boring for both of us I suppose. I finally got away.

>

> At home again, I was relaxing with my music when my daughter came home

demanding that I give her all her legal documents, birth certificate, passport

etc. I complied and remained calm using an easy manner. She left abruptly when

she had the documents, without saying good bye. I sat back down, text my

daughter who said she'd be back in a week. I turned the music up and smoked

enough pot to put me to sleep. I woke up and now it is Saturday.

>

> How can I improve my life today? I sit with my values, opt for the education

domain and begin to review documents I'd been meaning to read. I lasted all of

about 30 minutes, trying to come back again and again until finally I conceded

to poor concentration. I put on a movie and engaged in escapism which I

concluded was very badly edited and directed. Not to be discouraged, I put on

another one, (it is a couple of hours killed after all), but thoughts and

emotions keep rising and falling spontaneously. Now I can't concentrate on the

movie.

>

> I meditate. I come out of it with a seemingly larger breath, a fuller or more

open view I suppose. I go back to my values and my eyes focus on `physical

health', to which my goal is `mindful pleasure'. Sounds good in theory, but I

have no desire to get out of the chair. Back to the skills then...

>

> I write...sometimes...

>

> I wonder how to improve my life today? Now? For the next few hours? To feel

vital? What is there to `do' at this moment that is going to make a difference?

>