Re: When you're around unhappy & moody people

[Guest guest]

>To: ACT <ACT_for_the_Public >

>Sent: Saturday, 2 July 2011, 12:20

>Subject: When you're around unhappy & moody people

>

>

> 

>I've a question ..... It's not a traditional " thoughts " issue

>

>If someone around you is in a bad mood, the actual mood can often transfer to

you. And

>it's worse if it happens regularly.

>

>This happened to me today and luckily I realised pretty soon but I couldn't

change my mood

>....... I couldn't defuse it because it wasn't something that I was " thinking "

...... it

>was something I was just feeling.

>

>I tried doing things that I enjoyed but obviously they weren't enjoyable enough

........

>

>What are you supposed to do in these circumstances?

>

>Thanks everyone

Hi Iolanda,

 

If anything like this happens to me and yes it does happen sometimes with my

husband whom I rely on as a rock when I am down I definitely have some thoughts!

Such as " Why does this have to happen, doesn't he know how much I rely on him to

be cheerful? How can I cope when others around me are down. Shouldn't I be able

to cheer him up - after all he's so rarely down or anyway he manages to hide it

very well usually. Or It must be my fault he's in a mood/unhappy. "

 

I don't know but I wonder if you did have some thoughts but aren't aware of

them? Thoughts that prompted you to write to this forum, for example? Even I

must be doing something wrong if I allow myself to be affected by someone else's

mood?

 

To me it just seems what you would expect to happen unless you are somehow

shielded from what is going on around you and " untouchable " .

 

The other possible thought (and these are obviously just possibilities) is that

you are somehow thinking your emotions shouldn't change according to the

situation or you think it is a good idea to do things you enjoy not for their

own sake but in order to get rid of negative emotions?

 

Not sure whether you can relate to any of this?

 

S.

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the reply Soozy - I'm leaving it all below because it's full of good

thoughts.

Specifically, I'm talking about my mother and it's a daily problem for me - she

has bad

osteoarthritic pain, stomach pain etc and her moods are affected almost every

day ......a

lot of the time I'm OK, but sometimes it gets to me. Because I'm struggling

with health

problems myself (pain, fatigue, hunger etc) the slightest psychological

" trigger " then

dampens my mood. I don't have any thoughts that I'm aware of ........

Plus I have a habit of suggesting ways for her to do things etc which she hates

and she

then yells and yells at me. Unfortunately I haven't learnt to " shut up " and not

make the

suggestions/tell her what to do ..... and this happens every 3-4 days I suppose.

I do

have " thoughts " in these situations and they are things like " stop yelling " or

" but I only

wanted to help " etc.......

And when I said that I wanted to do something that I enjoyed - well, that's my

coping

strategy in certain situations ........ not all the time but sometimes. Like

picking up a

good magazine or book, or some sewing that I really enjoy doing ........

Does this make sense? Is there anything I can do or change?

Thanks

iolanda

> Hi Iolanda,

>

> If anything like this happens to me and yes it does happen sometimes with my

husband whom I rely on as a rock when I am down I definitely have some thoughts!

Such as " Why does this have to happen, doesn't he know how much I rely on him to

be cheerful? How can I cope when others around me are down. Shouldn't I be able

to cheer him up - after all he's so rarely down or anyway he manages to hide it

very well usually. Or It must be my fault he's in a mood/unhappy. "

>

> I don't know but I wonder if you did have some thoughts but aren't aware of

them? Thoughts that prompted you to write to this forum, for example? Even I

must be doing something wrong if I allow myself to be affected by someone else's

mood?

>

> To me it just seems what you would expect to happen unless you are somehow

shielded from what is going on around you and " untouchable " .

>

> The other possible thought (and these are obviously just possibilities) is

that you are somehow thinking your emotions shouldn't change according to the

situation or you think it is a good idea to do things you enjoy not for their

own sake but in order to get rid of negative emotions?

>

> Not sure whether you can relate to any of this?

>

> S.

[Guest guest]

I'm just back from looking after my mother who has always been difficult but now is suffering from dementia. I was going to say early dementia but as she's nearly 100 that doesn't really make sense - maybe I should say mildish symptoms such as short term memory loss, anger, saying illogical things and also worry.

I have to say this was the easiest stay for a long time maybe as I was able to attribute her moods to something external viz. dementia. I was aware though that it was asier than ever before for me to stand back and look at her moods more dispassionately.

That's not to say I didn't have thoughts!

I know you say you didn't have any thoughts but very often people say I felt x,y, or z when they are actually referring to thoughts they had. I find it rather hard to imagine pure emotions without any sort of related thoughts. They always seem to pop up for me at some point. E.g. feeling hurt often suggests I think someone has been unkind and I don't deserve such treatment or feeling angry means I think someone is being unfair.

I do get the feeling (ie I think!!) there are some other thoughts implicit in what you write below about your situation as well as those thoughts you mention.

I fnd myself thinking your reactions are reasonable! If you think it would be helpful for you to stop giving her advice then maybe this could be a committed action you could try out at least though I guess it will be difficult!

I'm wondering if you need to develop a bit more self-compassion? Looking after parents especially if you are not well yourself is exhausting. I think your aim to do something like sewing for yourself is excellent. Maybe you can do so while you are still feeling down and maybe not so much just with the intention of feeling less unhappy. With luck you will feel happier as a bonus.

Having suffered at times from depression that had me sitting paralysed staring into space or sleeping my life away I am very aware of how challenging doing something creative and well, just enjoyable, can be at such times.

Hope something in the above makes sense:-)

Soozy

To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sunday, 3 July 2011, 16:03Subject: Re: When you're around unhappy & moody people

Thanks for the reply Soozy - I'm leaving it all below because it's full of good thoughts.Specifically, I'm talking about my mother and it's a daily problem for me - she has bad osteoarthritic pain, stomach pain etc and her moods are affected almost every day ......a lot of the time I'm OK, but sometimes it gets to me. Because I'm struggling with health problems myself (pain, fatigue, hunger etc) the slightest psychological "trigger" then dampens my mood. I don't have any thoughts that I'm aware of ........Plus I have a habit of suggesting ways for her to do things etc which she hates and she then yells and yells at me. Unfortunately I haven't learnt to "shut up" and not make the suggestions/tell her what to do ..... and this happens every 3-4 days I suppose. I do have "thoughts" in these situations and they are things like "stop yelling" or "but I only wanted to help" etc.......And when I said

that I wanted to do something that I enjoyed - well, that's my coping strategy in certain situations ........ not all the time but sometimes. Like picking up a good magazine or book, or some sewing that I really enjoy doing ........Does this make sense? Is there anything I can do or change?Thanksiolanda> Hi Iolanda,> > If anything like this happens to me and yes it does happen sometimes with my husband whom I rely on as a rock when I am down I definitely have some thoughts! Such as "Why does this have to happen, doesn't he know how much I rely on him to be cheerful? How can I cope when others around me are down. Shouldn't I be able to cheer him up - after all he's so rarely down or anyway he manages to hide it very well usually. Or It must be my fault he's in a mood/unhappy. "> > I don't know but I wonder if you did have some thoughts but aren't aware of them? Thoughts that prompted

you to write to this forum, for example? Even I must be doing something wrong if I allow myself to be affected by someone else's mood?> > To me it just seems what you would expect to happen unless you are somehow shielded from what is going on around you and "untouchable".> > The other possible thought (and these are obviously just possibilities) is that you are somehow thinking your emotions shouldn't change according to the situation or you think it is a good idea to do things you enjoy not for their own sake but in order to get rid of negative emotions?> > Not sure whether you can relate to any of this?> > S.

[Guest guest]

I'm just back from looking after my mother who has always been difficult but now is suffering from dementia. I was going to say early dementia but as she's nearly 100 that doesn't really make sense - maybe I should say mildish symptoms such as short term memory loss, anger, saying illogical things and also worry.

I have to say this was the easiest stay for a long time maybe as I was able to attribute her moods to something external viz. dementia. I was aware though that it was asier than ever before for me to stand back and look at her moods more dispassionately.

That's not to say I didn't have thoughts!

I know you say you didn't have any thoughts but very often people say I felt x,y, or z when they are actually referring to thoughts they had. I find it rather hard to imagine pure emotions without any sort of related thoughts. They always seem to pop up for me at some point. E.g. feeling hurt often suggests I think someone has been unkind and I don't deserve such treatment or feeling angry means I think someone is being unfair.

I do get the feeling (ie I think!!) there are some other thoughts implicit in what you write below about your situation as well as those thoughts you mention.

I fnd myself thinking your reactions are reasonable! If you think it would be helpful for you to stop giving her advice then maybe this could be a committed action you could try out at least though I guess it will be difficult!

I'm wondering if you need to develop a bit more self-compassion? Looking after parents especially if you are not well yourself is exhausting. I think your aim to do something like sewing for yourself is excellent. Maybe you can do so while you are still feeling down and maybe not so much just with the intention of feeling less unhappy. With luck you will feel happier as a bonus.

Having suffered at times from depression that had me sitting paralysed staring into space or sleeping my life away I am very aware of how challenging doing something creative and well, just enjoyable, can be at such times.

Hope something in the above makes sense:-)

Soozy

To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sunday, 3 July 2011, 16:03Subject: Re: When you're around unhappy & moody people

Thanks for the reply Soozy - I'm leaving it all below because it's full of good thoughts.Specifically, I'm talking about my mother and it's a daily problem for me - she has bad osteoarthritic pain, stomach pain etc and her moods are affected almost every day ......a lot of the time I'm OK, but sometimes it gets to me. Because I'm struggling with health problems myself (pain, fatigue, hunger etc) the slightest psychological "trigger" then dampens my mood. I don't have any thoughts that I'm aware of ........Plus I have a habit of suggesting ways for her to do things etc which she hates and she then yells and yells at me. Unfortunately I haven't learnt to "shut up" and not make the suggestions/tell her what to do ..... and this happens every 3-4 days I suppose. I do have "thoughts" in these situations and they are things like "stop yelling" or "but I only wanted to help" etc.......And when I said

that I wanted to do something that I enjoyed - well, that's my coping strategy in certain situations ........ not all the time but sometimes. Like picking up a good magazine or book, or some sewing that I really enjoy doing ........Does this make sense? Is there anything I can do or change?Thanksiolanda> Hi Iolanda,> > If anything like this happens to me and yes it does happen sometimes with my husband whom I rely on as a rock when I am down I definitely have some thoughts! Such as "Why does this have to happen, doesn't he know how much I rely on him to be cheerful? How can I cope when others around me are down. Shouldn't I be able to cheer him up - after all he's so rarely down or anyway he manages to hide it very well usually. Or It must be my fault he's in a mood/unhappy. "> > I don't know but I wonder if you did have some thoughts but aren't aware of them? Thoughts that prompted

you to write to this forum, for example? Even I must be doing something wrong if I allow myself to be affected by someone else's mood?> > To me it just seems what you would expect to happen unless you are somehow shielded from what is going on around you and "untouchable".> > The other possible thought (and these are obviously just possibilities) is that you are somehow thinking your emotions shouldn't change according to the situation or you think it is a good idea to do things you enjoy not for their own sake but in order to get rid of negative emotions?> > Not sure whether you can relate to any of this?> > S.