Re: Re: Differances in how we label things

[Guest guest]

Hi Lin,

"I will define who you are and then I'll make you beleive that your own definition. Can you relate to that?"

I don't really relate to that too much, at least not anymore. I have a tendency to be rebellious and independent ("nobody will tell me what to do") and was especially so as a child, so I never really bought into anyone trying to define who I was or should be. I knew that what was happening was unjust and that I didn't deserve it. Still, it was hard to feel unworthy and "less than" when the abuse was constant. Maybe I had enough good people in my life to point that out for me so I wasn't totally swayed by the mean caregivers. Any maybe my independent spirit helped me out, too.

For years, I had a hard time expressing anger, just like you. My anger was turned inward towards myself; thus the multiple suicide attempts when I was a young adult. In fact, I didn't even know I was angry with anyone else until a therapist brought it out in me one day when she role-played my mother and I responded with what I was feeling instead of stuffing it as I did as a child. It was a turning point for me - to be able to feel the anger, own it, express it, and then get past it.

Have you been in therapy, or are you now? You might benefit from that because it can be difficult to get past extreme childhood abuse without professional help. If you could find a good ACT therapist, that would be wonderful. If you can't, then really dig into the ACT books and materials and establish your values, do the exercises, and make it a part of your life - especially the values work.

I hope this helps. I have a feeling I am quite a bit older than you, so I may have gotten past the spot you find yourself in right now in terms of dealing with your childhood trauma. Just don't give up, and most importantly, love yourself.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Wednesday, September 21, 2011 9:49:32 AMSubject: Re: Differances in how we label things

HelenaI would liek to continue to share with you. I did get the book suggested "I thought it was me". This is a sentance that radiates with me. I will define who you are and then I'll make you beleive that your own definition." Can you relate to that?I also read that a shame feeling could produce an overwelming fear mixed with anger that would signal me in the fight , flight or freezemode. In my case, fight was out of the picture until I am much older adult. I stil have trouble getting and staying angry. If I do , I stay angry and what happened that neither of my parents protected or understood even today. My kids dont understand either. They think I am a little eccentric and crazy. Some of which I am.Lin>> > Thank you for sharing. I find it somewhat helpfull to know that I am not alone in what happened to me. I feel a bit guilty for that as I wouldnt wish my childhood on anyone. I have had a much better life as an adult. I think I appreciate things more then most people because of my childhood.> Lin> > > > > To: ACT_for_the_Public > Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2011 14:21:05 +0000> Subject: Re: Differances in how we label things> > > > > > > > > , your story sounds very similar to some of my experiences in children's homes and foster homes when I was a child - truly horrible. I was often beaten for not getting the dishes done on time because my sister and I were having fun, fooling around, while doing them. We both did the best we could in those circumstances. Remember that and pat yourself on the back for surviving, and thriving today. I called my foster mother "Mom" too because she asked me to. It never felt right.> > That you were not able to stand up to them is totally understandable. You were a helpless child! I left the foster home when I graduated from high school, but left my younger sister behind, which made me feel so guilty. The one time I was able to stand up to my foster father was the time he started to beat her in the week I was leaving; I had the courage because I knew I was soon outta there. I got in his face, grabbed the leather strap, and said in a firm voice "Don't you dare touch her!" I will never forget the look of shock on his face as he just walked away, shaking his head. > > Those childhood memories will cease to be important in your mind as they are supplemented with newer memories and the sense of accomplishment that comes from living a value-driven life. Eventually, you will look back on them as just something you went through as a child; something that can no longer hurt you and something that helped mold you into the caring person you are today. We both know what it is like to endure hideous physical and emotional pain as children; so we are, perhaps, better equipped than most to understand it with compassion when we encounter it in others. > > Prior to ACT, I was pretty much stuck in my memories and was depressed most of the time. I wish I had known ACT 40 years ago!> > My best to you in your journey,> Helena> > > > > > > > To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >> Sent: Tuesday, September 20, 2011 9:04:37 AM> Subject: Differances in how we label things> > > > > > As a child , I lived in a foster home. I was made to stand in the corner sometimes with hands up for hours. Often, I did not know what I did. As I remember one of the incidents was because I snickered they said. I thought it was a smile. It seemed that as soon as I relaxed, something else would happen. The shame I previously spoke of was in part due to the visitors coming in seeing me and them telling them how bad I was. > I used my time to do the multiplacation table and make words out of another word in my head, In additon, I made promises to myself how it would be when I grew up. One time, for the first time I was allowed a friend over the house, the riducle and all the bad things about me were spoken about. The girl never came back and our friendship stopped in school. Sometimes, I think I have PST just like prisoners in war.> I am good at math and words. > I never shared this before. I stayed away from anyone who knew how I grew up. When I finally left that place, if I saw those people I would be in fear. I wish now I had stood up to them. I even called her Mom , hoping it would be easier on me. It helped a little. Lin>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lin,

I guess when you mentioned children, I thought you had some young ones still at home and were probably in your 30s or 40's - so much for the assumptions we make via email communication! I am somewhat older than you, however ...

I'd say that it is a good thing you discovered ACT because I really think it can help you with all that old childhood trauma stuff. We do have to deal with our feelings about the past but at some point, we need to just let it all go and live in the present moment. That is what ACT has helped me with. I really had a story going about my childhood, and even though it was all true, it wasn't the whole story. I now find myself looking back on some pleasurable things that happened in my childhood that I had formerly blocked because I was so caught up in the pain part of it.

I still do things I shouldn't do and don't do things I should! But I am more accepting of myself with all my flaws because I know I am strong and well and my horrid past is over, over, over! This is the first time in my life I am actually excited about living (most of the time). So, forgive yourself and love yourself and forgive everyone everything, if you can.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Thursday, September 22, 2011 9:01:41 AMSubject: Re: Differances in how we label things

Thanks , HelenaYes, I was pretty independent when I left the house but seem to take steps back when I am in a relationship. I acheived quite a bit coming from my background. I am in my late 50's by the way. A man was my first positive influence.Yes, I have had counseling off and on thru the Years. I am quite differant then I used to be becuase of it. Yet, the old feelings come back and the way of reacting to them resurface from time to time. Every once in awhile I need to go back and think about the past. For the first time I am thinking about my reactions to those old feelings.At one time i thought it was only the decisions I made that I needed to know. But now I know , I need to know what actions I chose to protect , defend and survive. Some are definelty not what I should be doing today. Is it not good that we can grow and have a better life every day?Lin