Re: A Question Regarding Values

[Guest guest]

Randy: Thank you for taking the time to write that! ...It sounds like a good

technique to use.

> >

> > Here's a dilemma that I'm facing: how do I know when to do something

> > that is valued, like being caring and honest with those close to me,

> > without this meaning giving in to OCD urges to be truthful, or

> > merely being fused with thoughts?

>

> Good question! I want to share a technique that I have found helpful

> in separating values from urges and thus making better choices -

> especially in cases where I have lots of thoughts that seem scary and

> contradictory and confusing and where the " right " choice is not so

> clear.

>

> What I do is pretty simple and may sound like a lot of other exercises

> of this sort. I take a sheet of paper, and divide it into two columns.

> In the left column, I write down all my thoughts about what to do —

> including thoughts that reflect impulses and fears and the feeling

> (quite often) that I don't really *have* a choice. These impulses and

> fears typically reflect a mix of contradictory inclinations, tugging

> me this way and that. So if all I had to work from were these

> thoughts, any decision I made would seem like a bad decision.

>

> Yet even as I'm writing down these fear-driven impulses and thoughts

> in the left column, I'm using the right column to write down values

> that seem to correspond to the issues raised in the left-hand column.

>

> The next step is to examine both the list of thoughts and the list of

> values in relation to each other. I find that by doing this, I can

> more clearly see what it is I not only " really " want to do, but *can*

> do if I follow my values. My thinking becomes more flexible, yet also

> more reflective of deeper priorities.

>

> I've used this technique twice in recent months for tough decisions,

> both work-related, and found it effective. It does not necessarily

> make life simpler or easier - that is not the nature of choosing in

> line with values. And that's OK, I've found.

>

> I got the idea for the exercise from a book I found on ethical

> decision-making – " Blind Spot: Why We Fail To Do What's Right and

> What to Do About It, " by two psychologists, Max Bazerman and Ann

> Tenbrunsel. The focus of the book is on helping businesspeople make

> more ethical decisions – and in fact my decisions also had an ethical

> component, which is why I looked up the book in the first place.

>

> The big insight I got from the book was that when people are

> contemplating a decision that is a long way off, or that is

> hypothetical, they tend to choose in line with their values; but when

> crunch time is upon them and they feel emotional or panicked, they

> tend to choose more in line with fears and urges. So the book suggests

> taking measures to remind yourself of your values even in crunch time.

> My two-column approach is just a simple way of doing this.

>

> Hope this is of some help. If I have not explained myself clearly,

> let me know and I'll be glad to clarify.

>

> - Randy

>

[Guest guest]

'The big insight I got from the book was that when people are > contemplating a decision that is a long way off, or that is > hypothetical, they tend to choose in line with their values; but when > crunch time is upon them and they feel emotional or panicked, they > tend to choose more in line with fears and urges. So the book suggests> taking measures to remind yourself of your values even in crunch time'

Hi Randy,

Yes, Thanks for writing this.This is a real sticking point for me. Crunch time. I have made exposure plans several times - and as the 'event' gets closer, my mind starts screaming, and right at the last minute I panic and withdraw. I can't tell you the confusion and disapointment that brings in it's wake, especially as I had been fully committed to a line of action. But I have recently woken up to this pattern and hopefully, with some practice I can be ready for it. I'll have a go at your method. Thnaks again.

Simone

Subject: Re: A Question Regarding ValuesTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Monday, 12 September, 2011, 20:37

Randy: Thank you for taking the time to write that! ...It sounds like a good technique to use. > >> > Here's a dilemma that I'm facing: how do I know when to do something > > that is valued, like being caring and honest with those close to me, > > without this meaning giving in to OCD urges to be truthful, or> > merely being fused with thoughts?> > Good

question! I want to share a technique that I have found helpful > in separating values from urges and thus making better choices - > especially in cases where I have lots of thoughts that seem scary and > contradictory and confusing and where the "right" choice is not so > clear. > > What I do is pretty simple and may sound like a lot of other exercises > of this sort. I take a sheet of paper, and divide it into two columns. > In the left column, I write down all my thoughts about what to do — > including thoughts that reflect impulses and fears and the feeling > (quite often) that I don't really *have* a choice. These impulses and > fears typically reflect a mix of contradictory inclinations, tugging > me this way and that. So if all I had to work from were these> thoughts, any decision I made would seem like a bad decision. > > Yet even as I'm

writing down these fear-driven impulses and thoughts > in the left column, I'm using the right column to write down values > that seem to correspond to the issues raised in the left-hand column. > > The next step is to examine both the list of thoughts and the list of > values in relation to each other. I find that by doing this, I can > more clearly see what it is I not only "really" want to do, but *can* > do if I follow my values. My thinking becomes more flexible, yet also> more reflective of deeper priorities.> > I've used this technique twice in recent months for tough decisions, > both work-related, and found it effective. It does not necessarily > make life simpler or easier - that is not the nature of choosing in> line with values. And that's OK, I've found. > > I got the idea for the exercise from a book I found on ethical >

decision-making – "Blind Spot: Why We Fail To Do What's Right and > What to Do About It," by two psychologists, Max Bazerman and Ann > Tenbrunsel. The focus of the book is on helping businesspeople make > more ethical decisions – and in fact my decisions also had an ethical > component, which is why I looked up the book in the first place. > > The big insight I got from the book was that when people are > contemplating a decision that is a long way off, or that is > hypothetical, they tend to choose in line with their values; but when > crunch time is upon them and they feel emotional or panicked, they > tend to choose more in line with fears and urges. So the book suggests> taking measures to remind yourself of your values even in crunch time.> My two-column approach is just a simple way of doing this.> > Hope this is of some help. If I have not

explained myself clearly, > let me know and I'll be glad to clarify.> > - Randy>