Shyness, low self esteem, and pent up rage.

[Guest guest]

A collegue at work said that cutting things to me, which he does to lots of

people as it is his nature, but this time I shouted at him telling him to never

talk to me like that again. After this a row erupted and I verbally gave him

what for. He was very upset after but I think it is his fault. I never talk to

anyone rudely and I go to great lengths to make poeple feel okay, even when they

make a silly mistakes. I can't say a horrible thing to anyone ever except when I

really provoked, then there may come a point when I explode.

It's weird because when other people explode I don't think they are being bad,

but when I do I feel I am completely and utterly wrong to have done so, and also

that there is something wrong with me.

There are poeple at work no one would say a nasty thing to because they are hard

and the the offender would most certainly cop it. I think they pick on me

because I am too passive, so they think they can push me around and get a way

with it. Also, my low self esteem - or my low oppinion of myself - makes them

believe that I am worthless too. I get fed up with being treated like this.

I'm different to most people I work with: I read a serious newspaper, read heavy

books on economics and politics, I like ACT because I find it celebral, I am not

that interested in sport, and I'm a vegan. Still I don't mind being different

because I find my life interesting (celebral).

I know feel an enormous amount of pent up rage, a rage that has been going on

all my life. I can feel it going back to how much I hated my parents when I was

little, which is probably the reason why I had hardly affection for them when I

got older. Probably every person with low self esteem has this type of rage

locked inside. Now this rage is tearing me apart, but should I feel it, or

should I dissapate it? It seems wiser to dissapate it.

Kv