Inner Conflict

[Guest guest]

Hey everyone, I need some help.

I have daily thoughts about revenge and or telling a certain group of people off

because I was fired from a job and a bunch of them reported me to management. I

was wrong in some aspects, but they made damn sure to give every nook and cranny

of detail to incriminate and or satisfy their right to report harrasment even

though I was not acting with malicious intent, even though some of what I said

was inappropriate. I was terminated partly because of that and partly for other

reasons not having to do with anyone in particular. Another co-worker also

talked behind my back and I heard him, he also did not accept a face book

request I sent to him....

I'm angry/shamed because I....

-Didn't tell these people what I thought when this happened.

-I actually apologized, but no one returned my calls, so I feel I subjected

myself to the very people that turned me in.

- I cryed and yelled and acted all weird and angry and people saw it when I was

in the termination meeting process/post process.

-I had no closure

-I'm pissed at myself because I feel like I'm a pussy, and it's been 3 years and

if I go back to say or do anything now I'm going to look like an idiot, plus I

have shame thoughts that stop me because of poor job performance and everyone

was doing better than me/were more senior than me so that stops me from going

back and saying anything.

-I'm in a business now that requires me to get clients, so I have a fear of

damaging my reputation if I go back and tell these people how I feel, angrily

albeit. On top of catastrophic thoughts already that they will somehow sabatoge

my reputation on social networks, etc...

-I actually sent this one of these people a facebook friend request like an

idiot, and I know this guy wouldn't care if I died.

-I have a long history of failure/depression/shame/embarassment/regrets, social

embarrasment,blah, blah, blah.

-I'm not a man for being tough and being confused. Other people are strong and

I'm just a fearful pussy, worried about his fucking reputation.

Am I justified, ha, maybe so, maybe not, maybe after all this time I think

emotional reasoning has made my anger/shame worse.

I bought the ACT on life not on anger book...should I just keep defusing these

anger/shame/self-esteem thoughts? I switch from, yeah I forgive, but then my

mind hooks me and says, " What if your supposed to do something about this? "

Like, if you feeling a pain in your chest everyday your mind will keep bugging

you, so it's obvious you should go see a doctor...see what I mean? Here are the

thoughts

" Am I avoiding confronting these folks because I'm not exposing myself to fear

and avoiding it " " What if you'll feel better if you give them a piece of your

mind? " " Naaa, don't do it...it's not part of your values, plus you'll ruin your

reputation, even though it probably wouldn't " " I can't make decisions " " Is

this a decision " " How does this fit into ACT? " " Am I having trouble because I

smoke too many cigars and have an unhealthy sedentary lifestyle at the moment? "

" All this mamby pamby values stuff is turning my brain into mush, all this

compassion bullshit, wtf? It's making things worse... " " I don't even know how

to think... " " ACT is making this worse because if I didn't try to think and

apply these act principles I'd just go do what I wanted to do without this

confusion... " " I stand up to the people I care about in my life, but for some

idiotic reason I want the approval of strangers who don't give a shit about me

and probably think I'm dangerous and crazy because of ocd thoughts about my

business reputation and wanting approval and to be wanted, yet I can stand my

ground against people I love and that love me because I know they won't reject

me...(ouch) " . " Are these thoughts workable, are they moving me towards a vital

life? I don't know? " , " What life skills am I missing? " " How can I know what's

right for me and wrong if I'm just defusing stuff all the time? "

Stuff like that....

-Thanks in advance for your responses. The forum is great and ACT has

definitely helped me get moving on some values even when I don't " Feel " like it.

-Peace.