How I reduced my extreme sadness .......

[Guest guest]

I'll give a personal example of what I did to reduce the extreme sadness I was

experiencing ....... so much so that I rarely have to use defusion for these

issues that

were a BIG thought on my mind more than a decade ago.

During the first year of my cancer/ neurological disease diagnosis we didn't

know why I

wasn't menstruating ..... and I soon found out I was infertile. It was one of

the reasons

that my ex and I broke up.

Anyway, I was soon grieving for the loss - even though I wasn't in a

relationship I was

still upset for what I wouldn't ever have. Very upset. and I was noticing all

the kids

everywhere ..... on TV, in the shopping centres/malls, the kids my friends were

having

........

This came at the same time that I broke up with my ex and so I was grieving that

as well etc.

(Now I don't remember much of the timing of all of this because of my memory

loss............. but here is the general gist of it )

But in an effort to try to help myself psychologically I was thinking and

researching it

all ....... the medical journals, statistic internet sites ..... lots of things.

What I realised - and that I don't think I knew before then - is that there is a

large

movement of " childfree " people ........ people that don't want kids. And I

realised that

there are many reasons why it's GOOD not to have kids .... and I actually

understood them.

I wasn't just reading them but I could agree with them.

And I also did a lot of research on relationships (again, in very reputable

sites) and

found some very interesting and important information. Things like

- In 2000 (when I did the research) in Australia 28% of men and 23% of women

won't ever

marry. Those that marry - the average length of a marriage is 11 years. Then

46% of

marriages end in divorce. And in the US, of the 86% that remarry - 75% of them

will

divorce again!!! Other stats included the fact that 28% of women my age won't

ever have

kids - of which 20% is voluntary (choice).

- A while later I found out that when someone in a marriage is diagnosed with

chronic

pain or a chronic illness (sorry - don't remember precisely) 85% of the

marriages fail

after the diagnosis. I was in fact almost one of those statistics since I'd

broken up

with my ex.

- Females are 6 times more likely to get divorced (than males) after a brain

tumour

Anyway, I grew to realise that my I'd be the happiest if I WASN'T married

........ it was

only the fact that society says that you grow up and get married that made me

expect that

it was for everyone. But why did that have to mean that it was right for me?

It wasn't

right for me and there were many other women that thought the same way as me.

So for at least 10 years I've been happily " singal " (aka single). Sure there

are times

when I get " reminders " of what I won't have that upset me, but they are just

short

reminders and are totally unrealistic (eg. when a soppy love song comes on the

radio).

And I'm 10000% sure that I would feel even better about it if I had more friends

(ie.

wasn't so lonely)

I've even created an online community of happily unmarried women and it's good

to share

thoughts et al.

SOOOO ....... what I'm saying is that I've tackled this problem by NOT just

" defusing " the

thought. All those years ago I could have " defused " it and had to live with the

constant

" reminders " of what I didn't have. But I chose to try to work on the thought

and realised

that it was wrong in the first place.

Can you understand what I'm saying? I'm saying that all those years ago the

thoughts were

coming in my head like .......

" I don't have a husband like all of those women in my street " and felt upset

......

and IF I'd used defusion I would still be having the thoughts that require the

defusion.

Know what I mean?

Hope so ..... if something doesn't make sense then let me know .......

I'll send another example to show how " thinking about things " and becoming

passionate

about something can add " life " to your life.

iolanda