Attachment to Outcome

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone. Some very helpful, open, creative, loving, sharing here. Thanks to

everyone. I've been reading along and enjoying tremendously.

Just thought I'd check in here myself. My anxious thoughts got kicked into high

gear this week as I embarked upon a new volunteer helping position (teaching

adults to read and write English) that means a lot to me. I feel fortunate to

have caught myself before incurring too much damage. (At least I hope I

have--not really sure).

I want to stop this cycle now, so I'm writing this as I give myself breathing

space. I am grateful for this opportunity to do some good work to help others,

and..yet lots of just not knowing..

not knowing if I'm being helpful, not knowing if or how I might be more

effective. Feeling like it's never enough. And wanting someone to tell me just

what to do! Noticed I started to spin this past week with wanting to get things

right, with believing I most certainly was not. Wanting clarity..or at least

that's what I tell myself..but it feels like a lot more. And turns out I am

getting some useful feedback from my trainer, but again, noticed that this

wasn't enough to appease me.

And this morning, I really saw as I stepped back how all this spinning might

feel on the other end. How it would absolutely begin to feel annoying and even

begin to feel judgmental. Not good. Time to stop.

I see I have begun acting on this tension by asking too many questions and

reporting too much detail with my contact person (who is very kind but terribly

busy), and guessing it's something about looking for reassurance she (or anyone

else) really just can't give me. Seems to be really strong wanting to figure

everything out, wanting to know just how this is all " supposed to look " -- now,

next week, one month, two months from now. The more I move forward, the more

questions I have -- and most remain unanswered, or only partially answered. And

really, I know intellectually this is how things happen in life, and yet

noticing I have a hard time with this! So I'm sitting here with lots of not

knowing. I see now I don't have near enough experience with just having this be

so. My acceptance of uncertainty muscle is weak!

And I'm thinking underneath all this discomfort there is some little girl there,

very afraid, feeling very alone.

So I'm here declaring that I am going to stop this now. I am going to create

some sacred pausing space here, and I will begin to write down every

question/comment I have before calling her and ask myself: What would it mean

to not have the answer now? What about this can I answer for myself? What part

can wait? What part of this has to be known now? What part might reveal itself

if I let it? What if I allow this experience to be enjoyable and tell the

shoulds to all take a long hike on a short pier? What does my little girl need

right now that she is not getting? What else can I have be different this time?

If anyone has any other suggestions, jump in. I'm very committed to keeping

this experience free of un-necessary drama. So bored with that script!

Wish me luck. Thanks for this special space.

Enjoy the day,

Theresa