Self compassion / was Re: Re: NY Times article concerning a noted psychologist

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the link, Simone - excellent stuff! I had never heard about e Neff before. She is physically beautiful, too. When I see such beauty, I tend to say to myself: "Well, of course she is self-assured and self-compassionate; just look at how beautiful she is, not to mention well educated, accomplished, etc., etc.!" I realize quickly, of course, the error in my thinking, yet those kinds of comparative thoughts come up for me over and over, and I feel quite lacking and lackluster in comparison, especially when I tell myself at this stage in life that I haven't lived up to my potential.

I also like her Psychology Today blog http://www.self-compassion.org/psychology-today-blog.html

Here's an excerpt:

It's important to distinguish self-compassion from self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to the degree to which we evaluate ourselves positively. It represents how much we like or value ourselves, and is often based on comparisons with others. In contrast, self-compassion is not based on positive judgments or evaluations, it is a way of relating to ourselves. People feel self-compassion because they are human beings, not because they are special and above average. It emphasizes interconnection rather than separateness. This means that with self-compassion, you don't have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself. It also offers more emotional stability than self-esteem because it is always there for you - when you're on top of the world and when you fall flat on your face.

There is no doubt that I need to practice more self-compassion, and I find it encouraging that anyone can do that, whether they value themselves highly or not. As e Neff points out (if I am interpreting this correctly), interconnection is possible with self-compassion, even when a lack of self esteem keeps you feeling separate from others. And, I suspect, the way to practice self-compassion is not only through self-talk, as in telling yourself "I'm only human", etc. It also takes 'acting as though' you really care about yourself (even if you think you don't); e.g., go for that daily walk to take care of your body; don't have that 3rd (or 1st) drink if it will make mush out of your mind; buy yourself flowers on your birthday when no one else remembers it, etc. Do it, not every now and then, but habitually (note to self!).

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 4:02:59 AMSubject: Re: Re: NY Times article concerning a noted psychologist

...And I would add, the importance of Self-Compassion in this process. I have found this to be extremely helpful whilst working this way and sometimes feeling the pits because I don't measure up to the courageous person I would like to be. I would recommend the work of e Neff. Check out http://www.self-compassion.org/

I think sometimes the simple act of 'holding the pain' kindly is transformative. This has moved me forward.

Simone

thanks...this stood out to me, and is something in which I find is the cause of much suffering...lack of true acceptance of oneself...continually condemning and trying to fix ourselves based on concepts of what we think we should* be like, rather than love and nurture ourselves based on what we are____

"One night I was kneeling in there, looking up at the cross, and the whole place became gold — and suddenly I felt something coming toward me," she said. "It was this shimmering experience, and I just ran back to my room and said, `I love myself.' It was the first time I remember talking to myself in the first person. I felt transformed."The high lasted about a year, before the feelings of devastation returned in the wake of a romance that ended. But something was different. She could now weather her emotional storms without cutting or harming herself.What had changed?It took years of study in psychology — she earned a Ph.D. at Loyola in 1971 — before she found an answer. On the surface, it seemed obvious: She had accepted herself as she was. She had tried to kill herself so many times because the gulf between the person she wanted to be and the person she was left her desperate, hopeless, deeply homesick for a life she would never know. That gulf was real, and unbridgeable. No therapist could promise a quick transformation or even sudden "insight," much less a shimmering religious vision. But now Dr. Linehan was closing in on two seemingly opposed principles that could form the basis of a treatment: acceptance of life as it is, not as it is supposed to be; and the need to change, despite that reality and because of it. The only way to know for sure whether she had something more than a theory was to test it scientifically in the real world — and there was never any doubt where to start.

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> This is an article about noted Psychologist, Marsha Linehan, that I found to be interesting. > > http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?pagewanted=all >