Re: My relationship is falling apart!

[Guest guest]

I completely understand what you are going through. It seems like none of your

friends can even relate because they are all healthy. You either get ppl

thinking it's all in your head or your just over reacting. I do believe if you

have the ability to talk you can get through anything. We are coping now but I

am better than I was at least for the time being. I think I am more the one to

run out of fear for the future but I have a 3yr old and have to keep it

together.

Subject: My relationship is falling apart!

To: " Tetheredspinalcord " <tetheredspinalcord >

Date: Monday, February 28, 2011, 9:24 PM

 

Hi Everyone,

As I write this I am waiting for some of my tests, and things are getting worse

and worse. As of now my thumb has been numb for about 5 hours. Yesterday I

dropped 2 dishes, and the day before my left hand was completely numb all day. I

have no idea what is going on.

But sadly something else is happening too... I'm having more and more petty

fights with my husband. Today it was over a TV that he gave away and was

supposed to bring back 1 month ago so I could privately workout. He walked out

of the house today and never came back because I don't appreciate all he does.

Is it just men who are like this? He cleaned the house 1 day out of the month

and he feels he is doing god knows what? They are becoming more frequent. I

think we have had an argument over little things every day this last week.

I can hardly do things, I work full time and I do clean the house more than 2

times a week, I also go to school (online).What ticks me off the most is that I

can't walk out cause I can't even go anywhere! I feel like crap!

I think he is cracking... or I am..

Advice?

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

People are so different - care-givers and those that have to watch their loved

ones decline medically deal with it so differently. You cannot understand how

wearing pain is until you experience the interruptions in your life daily and on

a long-term basis.

I'm trying to get my husband to join a support group for caregivers. He has

brought the subject up and I think (and hope) that he'll eventually at least

join an online support group.

My suggestion: When your pain is not at its worst, when you have time to think

about only the topic at hand and when you aren't angry, try sitting and talking

with him, giving him as much time as needed to respond to how he feels about

what is going on with you medically and how this is affecting him.

What are his views on what he needs as your main support? What would help

relieve the stress and constant pressure for him (beside walking out the door)?

Hopefully, validating that this situation does cause stress for him (keeping the

focus of the conversation on what he needs) and what he needs to help relieve

it, will help you both get to the other side where you can find peace and

acceptance.

I hope he sees how much you are doing and how it is impacting you, but one thing

I have realized about men is that often they need our feelings and experiences

spelled out for them in a calm manner.

I hope this makes sense and helps - if it's worth fixing then turn the focus to

what he needs so he can give you what you need.

Kathy

My relationship is falling apart!

Hi Everyone,

As I write this I am waiting for some of my tests, and things are getting

worse and worse. As of now my thumb has been numb for about 5 hours. Yesterday I

dropped 2 dishes, and the day before my left hand was completely numb all day. I

have no idea what is going on.

But sadly something else is happening too... I'm having more and more petty

fights with my husband. Today it was over a TV that he gave away and was

supposed to bring back 1 month ago so I could privately workout. He walked out

of the house today and never came back because I don't appreciate all he does.

Is it just men who are like this? He cleaned the house 1 day out of the month

and he feels he is doing god knows what? They are becoming more frequent. I

think we have had an argument over little things every day this last week.

I can hardly do things, I work full time and I do clean the house more than 2

times a week, I also go to school (online).What ticks me off the most is that I

can't walk out cause I can't even go anywhere! I feel like crap!

I think he is cracking... or I am..

Advice?

[Guest guest]

Eveleyn,

 

First, take a deep breath, when I had signs of weakness/numbness, it was my

whole body that just feel to the floor of the bathroom at work. I had to be

rolled to the car in an office chair and lifted to be put inside the car. The

outcome of that was a cyst that was blocking fluid flow between my brainstem and

spinal cord. I had a decompression and all is well now (and that was 1999).

 

How long have you been married? I've been married 8 yrs and my husband and I

have those " petty " fights all the time (after all these yrs). I think that is

just part of being married. IN my experience, my husband doesn't consciencely

think about those kinds of " chores " on a daily basis. I get upset because he

won't even put a shirt on a hanger. 

 

Is it possible that he's frusterated and doesn't know how to show it other than

to lash out at you? Have you sat with him face to face and tried to discuss

exactly what you are feeling with him? Is it possible that you feel that he

takes for granted that you are not as physically able?

 

My suggestion is this... Have a serious, adult conversation. No yelling,

frusteration, aggrevation, ect. Just talk to each other. My husband and I yell

at each other for ridiculous things and then, after we've calmed down, we

actually go back and talk about it calmly and most of the time, we both feel

better about things.

 

I hope I've helped in some way. If you need to talk, I'd love to be here for

you, I think all wives have been in your shoes at some point.

 

Take care a Ramsey (sweet_p0030@...)

Subject: My relationship is falling apart!

To: " Tetheredspinalcord " <tetheredspinalcord >

Date: Monday, February 28, 2011, 10:24 PM

 

Hi Everyone,

As I write this I am waiting for some of my tests, and things are getting worse

and worse. As of now my thumb has been numb for about 5 hours. Yesterday I

dropped 2 dishes, and the day before my left hand was completely numb all day. I

have no idea what is going on.

But sadly something else is happening too... I'm having more and more petty

fights with my husband. Today it was over a TV that he gave away and was

supposed to bring back 1 month ago so I could privately workout. He walked out

of the house today and never came back because I don't appreciate all he does.

Is it just men who are like this? He cleaned the house 1 day out of the month

and he feels he is doing god knows what? They are becoming more frequent. I

think we have had an argument over little things every day this last week.

I can hardly do things, I work full time and I do clean the house more than 2

times a week, I also go to school (online).What ticks me off the most is that I

can't walk out cause I can't even go anywhere! I feel like crap!

I think he is cracking... or I am..

Advice?

[Guest guest]

Stress affects everyone in different ways .. and sometimes emotions get heated,

things are said .. people blow up .. and tears are shed in the process. Oy! I

think everyone here's been where you are at one point or another

unfortunately. It's hard for loved ones and caregivers alike to handle things.

There's so much being thrown at them, and the sick person all at the same time,

it can be extremely overwhelming. Moods get ugly too.

I myself am in a situation where-in I am the care taker/care giver now for my

mom who has AML/leukemia. She had a bone marrow transplant this past May 2010

and did very well with everything until this past September when she incurred

complications -- and has been quite sick ever since. She lost all of her muscle

mass due to high dose steroids to counter act the graph vs. host disease

symptoms -- and has been very weak ever since. I came home from Western NY in

December for Christmas and ended up staying -- as it's not safe for her to be on

her own. Amazingly though, though out all of this, she's still working and has

been. She has to she says or else she'll lose her health insurance -- and for

her that would be devastating. I share this with you, because I've been where

your husband is now .. as caregiver .. and I've also been where you are, living

with TSC and all it's nasty complications and chronic pain. I still live with

peripheral neuropathy and chronic pain on a daily basis. Mom and I still argue,

heatedly at times, but we've learned to allow one another breathing space. I

also do things on my own with my friends and give myself breaks often.

I suggest talking things through, and having an open dialogue -- establishing a

safe neutral zone/space where things can be shared, without fear or consequence

from the other. I sense, you're both working so hard at trying to keep things

" normal " .. that the stress of it being anything but, is getting to both of you.

Is there something your husband enjoys doing on his own? .. getting out with his

friends, going for a walk etc .. what about a therapist? .. going together to

talk things through and re-assess what each of your needs are now from one

another. There are caregiver support groups run through local hospitals and care

networks. I belong to one for family members of leukemia patients -- it's been

invaluable.

Most importantly, hang in there! Give yourself a break and some breathing room.

Stress is good for no one!

Feel free to email me off list if you like. I'm here. --

(emaher1916@...)

>

>

> Subject: My relationship is falling apart!

> To: " Tetheredspinalcord " <tetheredspinalcord >

> Date: Monday, February 28, 2011, 9:24 PM

>

>  

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> As I write this I am waiting for some of my tests, and things are getting

worse and worse. As of now my thumb has been numb for about 5 hours. Yesterday I

dropped 2 dishes, and the day before my left hand was completely numb all day. I

have no idea what is going on.

>

> But sadly something else is happening too... I'm having more and more petty

fights with my husband. Today it was over a TV that he gave away and was

supposed to bring back 1 month ago so I could privately workout. He walked out

of the house today and never came back because I don't appreciate all he does.

>

> Is it just men who are like this? He cleaned the house 1 day out of the month

and he feels he is doing god knows what? They are becoming more frequent. I

think we have had an argument over little things every day this last week.

>

> I can hardly do things, I work full time and I do clean the house more than 2

times a week, I also go to school (online).What ticks me off the most is that I

can't walk out cause I can't even go anywhere! I feel like crap!

>

> I think he is cracking... or I am..

>

> Advice?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I couldn't agree more. I live by myself ( & my 2 cats), but the $75 I

spend every 2 weeks is some of the best money I spend. I could do it

(except some high dusting), but I only have " x " energy. Do I really

want to spend it cleaning?

If u don't have any spare income to hire professional, try hiring a

local high schooled that wants to make a few bucks. I live in condos

where there r more dogs than kids. We only started getting a few

babies around when the economy tanked and people couldn't afford to

sell.

If u don't have any disposable income, u can try ur religious

institution, if there is one u belong to. I know my church has members

that help care for the elderly r disabled (cleaning, errands, lawn

care, etc)

Jenn

Sent from my iPhone

>

> My friend who is a busy working mom finally hired a house-cleaner to come in

twice a month -- she said that improved their relationship immensly as she

couldn't get him to clean, and she didn't have time. No more arguing over

cleaning. If you can afford one that might be an idea to take the stress off

both of you.

>

> Dee

>

>

>

>

> To: tetheredspinalcord

> From: lilacs007@...

> Date: Tue, 1 Mar 2011 09:08:11 -0800

> Subject: Re: My relationship is falling apart!

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Hi Everyone,

> I often wonder if this is a general " man " thing? I have watched my mother take

care of my dad, who has had major issues for the last 25 years. Now had stage 4

colon cancer, and there seems to be little friction. I wonder if we as women

take on the caregiver role better or differently?Any men are welcome to chime in

:)As I said I don't really require a lot right now. Some help around the house

and actually doing things that were agreed upon. BUT with that been said things

may change.. what if I can't work? Am I going to be told all the great things

this person does for me?I do not go walking around saying " look I was in pain

and I cleaned the toilet for you "

> How do you handle this kind of stuff??

>

>

>

>

>

> Subject: My relationship is falling apart!

>

> To: " Tetheredspinalcord " <tetheredspinalcord >

>

> Date: Monday, February 28, 2011, 10:24 PM

>

>

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> As I write this I am waiting for some of my tests, and things are getting

worse and worse. As of now my thumb has been numb for about 5 hours. Yesterday I

dropped 2 dishes, and the day before my left hand was completely numb all day. I

have no idea what is going on.

>

> But sadly something else is happening too... I'm having more and more petty

fights with my husband. Today it was over a TV that he gave away and was

supposed to bring back 1 month ago so I could privately workout. He walked out

of the house today and never came back because I don't appreciate all he does.

>

> Is it just men who are like this? He cleaned the house 1 day out of the month

and he feels he is doing god knows what? They are becoming more frequent. I

think we have had an argument over little things every day this last week.

>

> I can hardly do things, I work full time and I do clean the house more than 2

times a week, I also go to school (online).What ticks me off the most is that I

can't walk out cause I can't even go anywhere! I feel like crap!

>

> I think he is cracking... or I am..

>

> Advice?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Not " our " husband " - sorry, mind is on too many things. I am not a polygamist.

;-)

Kathy

My relationship is falling apart!

To: " Tetheredspinalcord " <tetheredspinalcord >

Date: Monday, February 28, 2011, 10:24 PM

Hi Everyone,

As I write this I am waiting for some of my tests, and things are getting

worse and worse. As of now my thumb has been numb for about 5 hours. Yesterday I

dropped 2 dishes, and the day before my left hand was completely numb all day. I

have no idea what is going on.

But sadly something else is happening too... I'm having more and more petty

fights with my husband. Today it was over a TV that he gave away and was

supposed to bring back 1 month ago so I could privately workout. He walked out

of the house today and never came back because I don't appreciate all he does.

Is it just men who are like this? He cleaned the house 1 day out of the month

and he feels he is doing god knows what? They are becoming more frequent. I

think we have had an argument over little things every day this last week.

I can hardly do things, I work full time and I do clean the house more than 2

times a week, I also go to school (online).What ticks me off the most is that I

can't walk out cause I can't even go anywhere! I feel like crap!

I think he is cracking... or I am..

Advice?

[Guest guest]

This is a great idea. I first started with cleaning services, but one used only

green products which didn't do a good job and the other just stunk. I now trade

cleaning services with one of our middle daughter. We put her on our family

cell plan which saves her big money and she cleans for the cell fee. It works

great because she's as picky as I am.

Kathy

My relationship is falling apart!

>

> To: " Tetheredspinalcord " <tetheredspinalcord >

>

> Date: Monday, February 28, 2011, 10:24 PM

>

>

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> As I write this I am waiting for some of my tests, and things are getting

worse and worse. As of now my thumb has been numb for about 5 hours. Yesterday I

dropped 2 dishes, and the day before my left hand was completely numb all day. I

have no idea what is going on.

>

> But sadly something else is happening too... I'm having more and more petty

fights with my husband. Today it was over a TV that he gave away and was

supposed to bring back 1 month ago so I could privately workout. He walked out

of the house today and never came back because I don't appreciate all he does.

>

> Is it just men who are like this? He cleaned the house 1 day out of the

month and he feels he is doing god knows what? They are becoming more frequent.

I think we have had an argument over little things every day this last week.

>

> I can hardly do things, I work full time and I do clean the house more than

2 times a week, I also go to school (online).What ticks me off the most is that

I can't walk out cause I can't even go anywhere! I feel like crap!

>

> I think he is cracking... or I am..

>

> Advice?

>

>

[Guest guest]

:

    Well THAT put an end to my latest pity party.  I am so sorry you have

to

deal with this as well as the health stuff and I agree with everyone's

recommendation to talk; talk to your husband, talk to other family, talk to us,

talk to a therapist, talk to your pets ....

    My mother had a saying - " life is so daily. "   Today's arguement here was

about where he put the kitchen sponge (again).

    It seems that most of the group were diagnosed as adults.  I was born

with

spina bifida and have been married for 42 years.  My husband obviously knew

when

we married at 22 (him) and 24 (me) that I was a woman who wore diapers and

walked funny.  Was he exceptionally mature at 22?  I don't think so.  I don't

think either one of us thought far enough ahead to picture the current

situation.  We used to be almost equal partners in everything we did.  I hate

needing him now and definitely take my frustration out on him.  He does

everything for me, likes to be in control, and I resent it.  Do we talk about

it?  Some.  I cry too much.  We're muddling along, 'though.  It's got to be

so

much more stressful for you to have once been " normal. "

    You are still smarting and angry.  Please take some time to let that

pass

before you talk to him.

________________________________

To: Tetheredspinalcord <tetheredspinalcord >

Sent: Mon, February 28, 2011 7:24:08 PM

Subject: My relationship is falling apart!

 

Hi Everyone,

As I write this I am waiting for some of my tests, and things are getting worse

and worse. As of now my thumb has been numb for about 5 hours. Yesterday I

dropped 2 dishes, and the day before my left hand was completely numb all day. I

have no idea what is going on.

But sadly something else is happening too... I'm having more and more petty

fights with my husband. Today it was over a TV that he gave away and was

supposed to bring back 1 month ago so I could privately workout. He walked out

of the house today and never came back because I don't appreciate all he does.

Is it just men who are like this? He cleaned the house 1 day out of the month

and he feels he is doing god knows what? They are becoming more frequent. I

think we have had an argument over little things every day this last week.

I can hardly do things, I work full time and I do clean the house more than 2

times a week, I also go to school (online).What ticks me off the most is that I

can't walk out cause I can't even go anywhere! I feel like crap!

I think he is cracking... or I am..

Advice?

[Guest guest]

Thanks! We did talk tonight and both admitted we are very unhappy.

I tried once again to explain what it feels like to live like this. I think I

came to the conclusion I'm so unhappy with everything. It's a daily struggle. As

I get more symptoms (today I had a HUGE " shaking " episode) I get more down on

life in general.

I don't think it's really him, or not all of it. Just everything- waiting on new

MRI's, having hard times at work, worrying about finances etc..

Ps. I HATE the sponge thing too!

He admitted he could be more involved and help me more, as far as getting a room

set up so I can workout, handling some finances, calling my docs with updates

and also calling on insurance issues.

I also have a problem with people not keeping their word (I am anal about that)

I hope you continue to have a great marriage. I do appreciate everyone chiming

in. I know everyone here has their challenges so it's great to talk and vent a

bit!

>:

>    Well THAT put an end to my latest pity party.  I am so sorry you have to

>deal with this as well as the health stuff and I agree with everyone's

>recommendation to talk; talk to your husband, talk to other family, talk to us,

>talk to a therapist, talk to your pets ....

>    My mother had a saying - " life is so daily. "   Today's arguement here was

>about where he put the kitchen sponge (again).

>    It seems that most of the group were diagnosed as adults.  I was born with

>spina bifida and have been married for 42 years.  My husband obviously knew

when

>we married at 22 (him) and 24 (me) that I was a woman who wore diapers and

>walked funny.  Was he exceptionally mature at 22?  I don't think so.  I don't

>think either one of us thought far enough ahead to picture the current

>situation.  We used to be almost equal partners in everything we did.  I hate

>needing him now and definitely take my frustration out on him.  He does

>everything for me, likes to be in control, and I resent it.  Do we talk about

>it?  Some.  I cry too much.  We're muddling along, 'though.  It's got to be so

>much more stressful for you to have once been " normal. "

>    You are still smarting and angry.  Please take some time to let that pass

>before you talk to him.

>

>

>

>

>________________________________

>

>To: Tetheredspinalcord <tetheredspinalcord >

>Sent: Mon, February 28, 2011 7:24:08 PM

>Subject: My relationship is falling apart!

>

> 

>Hi Everyone,

>As I write this I am waiting for some of my tests, and things are getting worse

>and worse. As of now my thumb has been numb for about 5 hours. Yesterday I

>dropped 2 dishes, and the day before my left hand was completely numb all day.

I

>have no idea what is going on.

>But sadly something else is happening too... I'm having more and more petty

>fights with my husband. Today it was over a TV that he gave away and was

>supposed to bring back 1 month ago so I could privately workout. He walked out

>of the house today and never came back because I don't appreciate all he does.

>Is it just men who are like this? He cleaned the house 1 day out of the month

>and he feels he is doing god knows what? They are becoming more frequent. I

>think we have had an argument over little things every day this last week.

>I can hardly do things, I work full time and I do clean the house more than 2

>times a week, I also go to school (online).What ticks me off the most is that I

>can't walk out cause I can't even go anywhere! I feel like crap!

>I think he is cracking... or I am..

>Advice?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hello ,

So sorry to hear you're going through this and having such a hard time. My Mom

and I have been dealing with the same thing with regards to my brother. He just

cannot handle or cope with my mom being sick. It all came to a head in November,

around Thanksgiving, when he refused to come home -- and said going out to his

fiance's family in Ohio was more important. Meanwhile, leaving my Mom at home

quite sick, with me living out of state. He thought nothing of it at all. Did

not see anything wrong. All the while being mean, angry, crass and a real jerk.

He's blown up at my Mom and I and continues to and then storms out of the house,

often slamming the door. He'll do some things around the house when he's here,

but usually gives an excuse for not being able to do them in the end. He just

cannot cope. It's put enormous stress on both my Mom and I. The anger and

frustration is just too much at times. I've been where you are, only difference

being, it's my brother and not a husband or SO. I've come to the hard truth, he

cannot be counted on. I was told by a wise friend, there's " one true care giver "

in every family -- and this person comes with this genuine gift. As others have

said, some people handle this better than others. Yes, he is your husband and

spouse, but I do imagine he feels helpless and may be reacting this way towards

you because he's not sure what to do and in the end ultimately doesn't want to

feel " helpless " or ask for help or be seen as the weaker link or person in the

relationship.

The only way I've been able to cope with my brother's lack of compassion or

care, assistance, contribution .. is to let him go .. and seek out help from

those who really want to offer it. I cannot force him to, no matter how hard or

how much I'd like to. I've already been there with the screaming matches and

saying why won't you help?! Why must I be the only one here? I can't do this on

my own, but I fear I'm going to have to because you just cannot .. when you've

grown up, let me know. Hah, that did not go over very well, but I felt better

clearing the air.

I'm here to listen ..

Warmly,

(emaher1916@...)

>

> >

>

> > From: Dybowski <lilacs007@>

>

> > Subject: My relationship is falling apart!

>

> > To: " Tetheredspinalcord " <tetheredspinalcord >

>

> > Date: Monday, February 28, 2011, 9:24 PM

>

> >

>

> >  

>

> >

>

> > Hi Everyone,

>

> >

>

> > As I write this I am waiting for some of my tests, and things are getting

worse and worse. As of now my thumb has been numb for about 5 hours. Yesterday I

dropped 2 dishes, and the day before my left hand was completely numb all day. I

have no idea what is going on.

>

> >

>

> > But sadly something else is happening too... I'm having more and more petty

fights with my husband. Today it was over a TV that he gave away and was

supposed to bring back 1 month ago so I could privately workout. He walked

out of the house today and never came back because I don't appreciate all he

does.

>

> >

>

> > Is it just men who are like this? He cleaned the house 1 day out of the

month and he feels he is doing god knows what? They are becoming more frequent.

I think we have had an argument over little things every day this last week.

>

> >

>

> > I can hardly do things, I work full time and I do clean the house more than

2 times a week, I also go to school (online).What ticks me off the most is that

I can't walk out cause I can't even go anywhere! I feel like crap!

>

> >

>

> > I think he is cracking... or I am..

>

> >

>

> > Advice?

>

> >

>

> >

[Guest guest]

Oh , you are not alone. I was recently diagnosed with TSC but the symptoms

have been going on for years.  I thought I was crazy and I think my husband

though I was making excuses so as to not do things.  He complains about never

doing anything, but I can't what with all the pain.

 

I have learned that his outbursts are out of frustration. Not really towards me,

but at the situation. If I let him have a few moments to collect himself, we

both get over it and we're fine. He usually apologizes. The thing is not to

react to everything.  Try to let it go and maybe he will follow suit.  After

all you have more pressing things to concentrate on, like your health.

 

I wish you all the best.

Subject: My relationship is falling apart!

To: " Tetheredspinalcord " <tetheredspinalcord >

Date: Monday, February 28, 2011, 10:24 PM

 

Hi Everyone,

As I write this I am waiting for some of my tests, and things are getting worse

and worse. As of now my thumb has been numb for about 5 hours. Yesterday I

dropped 2 dishes, and the day before my left hand was completely numb all day. I

have no idea what is going on.

But sadly something else is happening too... I'm having more and more petty

fights with my husband. Today it was over a TV that he gave away and was

supposed to bring back 1 month ago so I could privately workout. He walked out

of the house today and never came back because I don't appreciate all he does.

Is it just men who are like this? He cleaned the house 1 day out of the month

and he feels he is doing god knows what? They are becoming more frequent. I

think we have had an argument over little things every day this last week.

I can hardly do things, I work full time and I do clean the house more than 2

times a week, I also go to school (online).What ticks me off the most is that I

can't walk out cause I can't even go anywhere! I feel like crap!

I think he is cracking... or I am..

Advice?