Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

[Guest guest]

I have often found that my girlfriends are not very supportive of me.

When I mwas badly hypoglyceamic, which was caused by antidepressant

drugs but it never abated for years after stopping taking them, I was

living on cabbage, greens, and cheese. My girlfriend would say to me

when I come around you later better have had your dinner because I don't

want see you eating your muck.

I think it scares some women a bit when their man is not functioning

well because they need a provider. My new girlfriend is a bit more easy

going but she thinks that all my problems are just in the mind and are

are not real. I don't argue with her and I just get on with it.

When I was going through a roller coaster I was very scared but I saw

each day as a chance to learn how to ride the storm. I saw it as an

opportunity to impreve my coping skills and when I got to the end of the

day I felt that I had achieved something. I never looked forward to the

next day very much but I could visualise that I would eventually get

through the storm. Clare Weekes would say, feel the courage deep in the

pit of your stomach, encourage it. Riding the storm is a skill, like

learnig ACT. Nowadays I am not put out so much by a sleepless night, or

two, , or extreme stress, as I willingly suffer and move on. Not easy,

but start small by sailing today's waves.

Right now I am going through the 'mincer' again too - which is being

caused by my job. It is absolute hell, and my body might pack up before

I win through, but I think I am quite physically strong. But I have no

choice but to go through this.

Kv

> > > > >

> > > > > I hope everyone on the list is doing well today. I myself am

> > stuck

> > > > in

> > > > > suffering without much to do. In this situation, I struggle

with

> > > > > rumination. It's another boring day on the job where I am

doing

> > > > enough

> > > > > to stay employed and pull my weight but that's about it.

> > > > >

> > > > > I always look forward to messages from the list but there

hasn't

> > > > been

> > > > > much in the past few days. I hope that means that things are

> > good

> > > > for

> > > > > most of us. It's my wish that all of us would be well.

> > > > >

> > > > > Bruce

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think it scares some women a bit when their man is not functioning well because they need a provider.

That viewpoint is sick. Sick!

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 5, 2011 4:01:04 PMSubject: Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

I have often found that my girlfriends are not very supportive of me.When I mwas badly hypoglyceamic, which was caused by antidepressantdrugs but it never abated for years after stopping taking them, I wasliving on cabbage, greens, and cheese. My girlfriend would say to mewhen I come around you later better have had your dinner because I don'twant see you eating your muck.I think it scares some women a bit when their man is not functioningwell because they need a provider. My new girlfriend is a bit more easygoing but she thinks that all my problems are just in the mind and areare not real. I don't argue with her and I just get on with it.When I was going through a roller coaster I was very scared but I saweach day as a chance to learn how to ride the storm. I saw it as anopportunity to impreve my coping skills and when I got to the end of theday I felt that I had achieved something. I never looked forward to thenext day very much but I could visualise that I would eventually getthrough the storm. Clare Weekes would say, feel the courage deep in thepit of your stomach, encourage it. Riding the storm is a skill, likelearnig ACT. Nowadays I am not put out so much by a sleepless night, ortwo, , or extreme stress, as I willingly suffer and move on. Not easy,but start small by sailing today's waves.Right now I am going through the 'mincer' again too - which is beingcaused by my job. It is absolute hell, and my body might pack up beforeI win through, but I think I am quite physically strong. But I have nochoice but to go through this.Kv

[Guest guest]

It's not necessarily sick, it's a reality. Women and wives/girlfriends are just human being...they're not trained to be therapist or something.

Being scared is just being human. When she stands by you whether she's scared or really trying to help...specially if has gone through the years,

they're not necessarily martyrs, but they see the other side of you that she fell in love with, that's why she stays, and not expected to be perfect...

i know that for the last 25 years....she's still with me and does her part. On times when I fall apart, she's there to be just being a stronger and

sensible person and picks up the slacks I scatter around, and much more, she keeps our family intact and grow through the years. She taught

our sons to be accepting of what I am, even if they could not understand and feel frustrated if they can't do more to help. Next year both boys

will graduate from college.

Even last week, when i have same episodes all through this years (i can't totally shake 'em, i just shake with them) they come and feels as if it's

always just the first time, she reminds me of our "drill" and tells me how i survive...tomorrow, it will pass again. She gets her strentgh from her sisters

and friends. Even if some of her friends have urged her to leave me just for her sanity, no matter how tempted she is at times, she survives by

focusing on our family's unity and that the boys have a father that they can see and talk to everyday. "Thanks, sweetheat"...

I hope this shared story helps somebody.

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, November 6, 2011 7:08 AMSubject: Re: Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

I think it scares some women a bit when their man is not functioning well because they need a provider.

That viewpoint is sick. Sick!

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 5, 2011 4:01:04 PMSubject: Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

I have often found that my girlfriends are not very supportive of me.When I mwas badly hypoglyceamic, which was caused by antidepressantdrugs but it never abated for years after stopping taking them, I wasliving on cabbage, greens, and cheese. My girlfriend would say to mewhen I come around you later better have had your dinner because I don'twant see you eating your muck.I think it scares some women a bit when their man is not functioningwell because they need a provider. My new girlfriend is a bit more easygoing but she thinks that all my problems are just in the mind and areare not real. I don't argue with her and I just get on with it.When I was going through a roller coaster I was very scared but I saweach day as a chance to learn how to ride the storm. I saw it as anopportunity to impreve my coping skills and when I got to the end of theday I felt that I had achieved something. I

never looked forward to thenext day very much but I could visualise that I would eventually getthrough the storm. Clare Weekes would say, feel the courage deep in thepit of your stomach, encourage it. Riding the storm is a skill, likelearnig ACT. Nowadays I am not put out so much by a sleepless night, ortwo, , or extreme stress, as I willingly suffer and move on. Not easy,but start small by sailing today's waves.Right now I am going through the 'mincer' again too - which is beingcaused by my job. It is absolute hell, and my body might pack up beforeI win through, but I think I am quite physically strong. But I have nochoice but to go through this.Kv

[Guest guest]

All I meant was that seeing women as 'less then' is sick; as needing men to be a provider - that is such a narrow viewpoint. What you describe is not at all sick and is, in fact, very strong. You have a wonderful woman by your side, . Thank you for telling us about her. Cherish her!

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 5, 2011 8:21:03 PMSubject: Re: Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

It's not necessarily sick, it's a reality. Women and wives/girlfriends are just human being...they're not trained to be therapist or something.

Being scared is just being human. When she stands by you whether she's scared or really trying to help...specially if has gone through the years,

they're not necessarily martyrs, but they see the other side of you that she fell in love with, that's why she stays, and not expected to be perfect...

i know that for the last 25 years....she's still with me and does her part. On times when I fall apart, she's there to be just being a stronger and

sensible person and picks up the slacks I scatter around, and much more, she keeps our family intact and grow through the years. She taught

our sons to be accepting of what I am, even if they could not understand and feel frustrated if they can't do more to help. Next year both boys

will graduate from college.

Even last week, when i have same episodes all through this years (i can't totally shake 'em, i just shake with them) they come and feels as if it's

always just the first time, she reminds me of our "drill" and tells me how i survive...tomorrow, it will pass again. She gets her strentgh from her sisters

and friends. Even if some of her friends have urged her to leave me just for her sanity, no matter how tempted she is at times, she survives by

focusing on our family's unity and that the boys have a father that they can see and talk to everyday. "Thanks, sweetheat"...

I hope this shared story helps somebody.

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, November 6, 2011 7:08 AMSubject: Re: Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

I think it scares some women a bit when their man is not functioning well because they need a provider.

That viewpoint is sick. Sick!

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 5, 2011 4:01:04 PMSubject: Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

I have often found that my girlfriends are not very supportive of me.When I mwas badly hypoglyceamic, which was caused by antidepressantdrugs but it never abated for years after stopping taking them, I wasliving on cabbage, greens, and cheese. My girlfriend would say to mewhen I come around you later better have had your dinner because I don'twant see you eating your muck.I think it scares some women a bit when their man is not functioningwell because they need a provider. My new girlfriend is a bit more easygoing but she thinks that all my problems are just in the mind and areare not real. I don't argue with her and I just get on with it.When I was going through a roller coaster I was very scared but I saweach day as a chance to learn how to ride the storm. I saw it as anopportunity to impreve my coping skills and when I got to the end of theday I felt that I had achieved something. I never looked forward to thenext day very much but I could visualise that I would eventually getthrough the storm. Clare Weekes would say, feel the courage deep in thepit of your stomach, encourage it. Riding the storm is a skill, likelearnig ACT. Nowadays I am not put out so much by a sleepless night, ortwo, , or extreme stress, as I willingly suffer and move on. Not easy,but start small by sailing today's waves.Right now I am going through the 'mincer' again too - which is beingcaused by my job. It is absolute hell, and my body might pack up beforeI win through, but I think I am quite physically strong. But I have nochoice but to go through this.Kv

[Guest guest]

This was such a wooooooooooooooooooonderful email. Jazakallah Khair for posting ur reply to bruce for all of us to read dr. hayes. There is soooooooo much we can all get out of this. I have a lot to say, but i gotta ruuuuuuuuuuuun, havta open my fast in 5 minutes, plus do stuff for Eid tomorrow, but THANKS AGAIN . i gotta print this one out.wasalaam:-)-K Designs.To: ACT_for_the_Public From: stevenchayes@...Date: Sat, 5 Nov 2011 14:38:25 -0700Subject: Re: Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

There is a piece of this that goes like so: if Isay I am in enough pain, clearly enough or loudly enough,someone or something will rescue me.It seems logical. It even worked, a bit, back when we were kids.

But the chronic emotional pain of adults is not like the thingswe face when we were kids. Besides, we are not as cute.Eventually our cries for help just drive others away.Meanwhile the only person who can move us forward remains here:

it is our responsibility. We have the ability to respond. Experience is saying something. Look and see if it is not saying, loud and clear, "This is not working."The "this" includes following the idea that if I

say I am in enough pain, clearly enough or loudly enough,someone or something will rescue me.There is a paradox right in front of us.It is in what you have written.

"I seem to have lost the ability to relax and enjoy anything. It seems like I can only keep a tight hold on myself to try and control my emotions.

I know this is wrong but I'm at a loss as to what to do about it. I engage in activities that should be enjoyable by normal standards and get no spontaneous enjoyment from it."

Bruce, you are at a loss about what to do? Bruce, how about this. NO MORE OF THAT.

I RENOUNCE THAT WHOLE GAME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO, BUT NO MORE OF THAT.Will that make you feel any better? Let's just say "no." At best it will make you FEEL a bit better.

But isn't trying something to see if it makes you feel better the very game that is producing this set of results?How's it working for you? Have you had enough?

If you went to a doctor complaining of a headache and the doctor saw that all the while you werebeating your head with a hammer, the doc might say "ah, gee, first how about no more of that."

Look man, I'm not blaming you. You are doing what humans do ... all of us untillife itself beats us to a bloddy pulp and our own pain finally produces some wisdom.It is not fun to "keep a tight hold on myself to try and control my emotions."

Your own life is a testament to it. Inside that struggle even fun is not fun!

You remember when you use to say to your Mom "I'm bored Mom"and whatever she suggested didn't work? That is because it isboring to try not to be bored. You are learning a similar lesson --

or at least it is there to be learned. See if this is not true: it is not fun to try try hard to feel fun so that the pain goes away.What if that is how it works? what if entanglement with that whole system is like a hammer to your head?

How much suffering is enough?And precisely who is going to rescue you from your own purposes.

If I weighed 1000 pounds and had a dozen guns strapped to my body

I might be able to make your arms and hards move the way I wantto, like a puppet on a string.

But even then I could never make you change your purpose: that is something deep insideonly you can decide

What if the problem is the agenda itself, not the method of accomplishing it?

Not everyone wakes up to that, but if you but read what you have written

the evidence is right there in front of you. Look. It is right there.

There is an alternative. But it is not an alternative method. It is an alternative purpose. The game, the agenda, the purpose is yours, no one else's.

Ask yourself this.

What have I put on hold while I've gone inside this endless struggle?If you dropped the "feel good first" game, there might be a lot more

interesting games to play? Like "love good first" or "contribute well first"or "be myself first." Will those make you feel good?

I dunno, but if you play them in order to feel good its likeplaying Checkers to win at Dominos. Good freakin luck

Your own pain has earned you the ticket into

another agenda. You've paid a lot -- hopefully enoughfor that shift of agenda; for that "no more of that" moment.

We are rooting for you -- we are you, and you are us.

Your journey is our journey. You are not alone. And yet this turn is something only you can do.

We are rooting for you

[Guest guest]

Thks...her name by the way is also Helena! Though we both have separate career and jobs, she has learned to be more

financially asture and aggresive, in a way...our provider. It's okay with her, its her blesing, not a burden. Being bi-polar,

her main problem before with me is overrunning my credit cards (on high). She not mad about that, but not to tell her about it

and hide my debts from her, that's unacceptable...because it involves the whole family's survival. She has learned to make

provisions rather than expecting me to be perfect. She'd taken a lot of "hits" from me, but each year she gets smarter...I'm not the

only lucky one, my boys as well.

She's one head-strong woman, sounds familiar? =)

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, November 6, 2011 8:36 AMSubject: Re: Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

All I meant was that seeing women as 'less then' is sick; as needing men to be a provider - that is such a narrow viewpoint. What you describe is not at all sick and is, in fact, very strong. You have a wonderful woman by your side, . Thank you for telling us about her. Cherish her!

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 5, 2011 8:21:03 PMSubject: Re: Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

It's not necessarily sick, it's a reality. Women and wives/girlfriends are just human being...they're not trained to be therapist or something.

Being scared is just being human. When she stands by you whether she's scared or really trying to help...specially if has gone through the years,

they're not necessarily martyrs, but they see the other side of you that she fell in love with, that's why she stays, and not expected to be perfect...

i know that for the last 25 years....she's still with me and does her part. On times when I fall apart, she's there to be just being a stronger and

sensible person and picks up the slacks I scatter around, and much more, she keeps our family intact and grow through the years. She taught

our sons to be accepting of what I am, even if they could not understand and feel frustrated if they can't do more to help. Next year both boys

will graduate from college.

Even last week, when i have same episodes all through this years (i can't totally shake 'em, i just shake with them) they come and feels as if it's

always just the first time, she reminds me of our "drill" and tells me how i survive...tomorrow, it will pass again. She gets her strentgh from her sisters

and friends. Even if some of her friends have urged her to leave me just for her sanity, no matter how tempted she is at times, she survives by

focusing on our family's unity and that the boys have a father that they can see and talk to everyday. "Thanks, sweetheat"...

I hope this shared story helps somebody.

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, November 6, 2011 7:08 AMSubject: Re: Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

I think it scares some women a bit when their man is not functioning well because they need a provider.

That viewpoint is sick. Sick!

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 5, 2011 4:01:04 PMSubject: Re: Recovery Stories/ Control is the Problem

I have often found that my girlfriends are not very supportive of me.When I mwas badly hypoglyceamic, which was caused by antidepressantdrugs but it never abated for years after stopping taking them, I wasliving on cabbage, greens, and cheese. My girlfriend would say to mewhen I come around you later better have had your dinner because I don'twant see you eating your muck.I think it scares some women a bit when their man is not functioningwell because they need a provider. My new girlfriend is a bit more easygoing but she thinks that all my problems are just in the mind and areare not real. I don't argue with her and I just get on with it.When I was going through a roller coaster I was very scared but I saweach day as a chance to learn how to ride the storm. I saw it as anopportunity to impreve my coping skills and when I got to the end of theday I felt that I had achieved something. I

never looked forward to thenext day very much but I could visualise that I would eventually getthrough the storm. Clare Weekes would say, feel the courage deep in thepit of your stomach, encourage it. Riding the storm is a skill, likelearnig ACT. Nowadays I am not put out so much by a sleepless night, ortwo, , or extreme stress, as I willingly suffer and move on. Not easy,but start small by sailing today's waves.Right now I am going through the 'mincer' again too - which is beingcaused by my job. It is absolute hell, and my body might pack up beforeI win through, but I think I am quite physically strong. But I have nochoice but to go through this.Kv

[Guest guest]

Thank you for this, Dr. . I see the truth in what you say and I really appreciate your taking the time to write. I guess it's true that I'd like someone to rescue me. I've been so lost that I guess I'm grasping for any hope. That maybe there's a simple solution to live in a way that I perceive as normal. There is no doubt that the way I am is not working. I'm going to re-read this and try and really get the meaning. I would like to renounce the whole game I'm playing. I'm just playing a game that will get me by but leads to more and more pain. I'd like to get out of this game. I'm just don't know what else to do. It's like not liking tennis but being forced to play tennis and nothing else every day. I'd just like to be able enjoy a movie, or TV show, or a book or sporting event. Is that too much to ask? Right now it is, I suppose.Thank you again. I know nobody can change things but me. I just don't feel like the right person for the job, based on my job performance so far.Bruce There is a piece of this that goes like so: if Isay I am in enough pain, clearly enough or loudly enough,someone or something will rescue me.It seems logical. It even worked, a bit, back when we were kids. But the chronic emotional pain of adults is not like the thingswe face when we were kids. Besides, we are not as cute.Eventually our cries for help just drive others away.Meanwhile the only person who can move us forward remains here: it is our responsibility. We have the ability to respond. Experience is saying something. Look and see if it is not saying, loud and clear, "This is not working."The "this" includes following the idea that if I say I am in enough pain, clearly enough or loudly enough,someone or something will rescue me.There is a paradox right in front of us.It is in what you have written. "I seem to have lost the ability to relax and enjoy anything. It seems like I can only keep a tight hold on myself to try and control my emotions. I know this is wrong but I'm at a loss as to what to do about it. I engage in activities that should be enjoyable by normal standards and get no spontaneous enjoyment from it." Bruce, you are at a loss about what to do? Bruce, how about this. NO MORE OF THAT. I RENOUNCE THAT WHOLE GAME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO, BUT NO MORE OF THAT.Will that make you feel any better? Let's just say "no." At best it will make you FEEL a bit better. But isn't trying something to see if it makes you feel better the very game that is producing this set of results?How's it working for you? Have you had enough? If you went to a doctor complaining of a headache and the doctor saw that all the while you werebeating your head with a hammer, the doc might say "ah, gee, first how about no more of that." Look man, I'm not blaming you. You are doing what humans do ... all of us untillife itself beats us to a bloddy pulp and our own pain finally produces some wisdom.It is not fun to "keep a tight hold on myself to try and control my emotions." Your own life is a testament to it. Inside that struggle even fun is not fun! You remember when you use to say to your Mom "I'm bored Mom"and whatever she suggested didn't work? That is because it isboring to try not to be bored. You are learning a similar lesson -- or at least it is there to be learned. See if this is not true: it is not fun to try try hard to feel fun so that the pain goes away.What if that is how it works? what if entanglement with that whole system is like a hammer to your head? How much suffering is enough?And precisely who is going to rescue you from your own purposes. If I weighed 1000 pounds and had a dozen guns strapped to my body I might be able to make your arms and hards move the way I wantto, like a puppet on a string. But even then I could never make you change your purpose: that is something deep insideonly you can decide What if the problem is the agenda itself, not the method of accomplishing it? Not everyone wakes up to that, but if you but read what you have written the evidence is right there in front of you. Look. It is right there. There is an alternative. But it is not an alternative method. It is an alternative purpose. The game, the agenda, the purpose is yours, no one else's. Ask yourself this. What have I put on hold while I've gone inside this endless struggle?If you dropped the "feel good first" game, there might be a lot more interesting games to play? Like "love good first" or "contribute well first"or "be myself first." Will those make you feel good? I dunno, but if you play them in order to feel good its likeplaying Checkers to win at Dominos. Good freakin luck Your own pain has earned you the ticket into another agenda. You've paid a lot -- hopefully enoughfor that shift of agenda; for that "no more of that" moment. We are rooting for you -- we are you, and you are us. Your journey is our journey. You are not alone. And yet this turn is something only you can do. We are rooting for you - S C. Foundation ProfessorDepartment of Psychology /298University of Nevada Reno, NV 89557-0062"Love isn't everything, it's the only thing"hayes@... or stevenchayes@... Fax: Psych Department: Contextual Change (you can use this number for messages if need be): Blogs: Psychology Today http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-out-your-mind Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-c-hayes-phdIf you want my vita, publications, PowerPoint slides, try my training page or my blog at the ACBS site: http://www.contextualpsychology.org/steven_hayes http://www.contextualpsychology.org/blog/steven_hayes or you can try my website (it is semi-functional) stevenchayes.comIf you have any questions about ACT or RFT (articles, AAQ information etc), please first check the vast resources at website of the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS): www.contextualpsychology.org. You have to register on the site to download things, but the cost if up to your own values. If you are a professional or student and want to be part of the world wide ACT discussion or RFT discussions go to http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy/join orhttp://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/relationalframetheory/joinIf you are a member of the public reading ACT self-help books (e.g., "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life" etc) and want to be part of the conversation go to: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join I don't really have anything in my life that I would call fun. I seem to have lost the ability to relax and enjoy anything. It seems like I can only keep a tight hold on myself to try and control my emotions. I know this is wrong but I'm at a loss as to what to do about it. I engage in activities that should be enjoyable by normal standards and get no spontaneous enjoyment from it. This is very frustrating. I have a tough time with moment to moment enjoyment of the things you mention. Do people really enjoy those things? I have a hard time with feeling the beauty of nature, etc. I see it and acknowledge it but it doesn't touch me at any emotional level. I try and meditate but don't get any serenity from that, either. The biggest thing I do is journal and that keeps me going but it's pretty repetitive. I know a lot of it is a waste of time. You are right that I have a strong desire to control pain and avoid it. I don't feel like I can handle pain, although I know I have handled a lot of it and I'm creating most of the pain I experience now myself. I feel like if I don't control myself and situations, that I will completely fall apart and let everyone down. If I don't keep trying, I'll just end up huddled in a ball crying. And I can't let that happen. So letting go of control, over myself at least, seems very threatening. Plus, it seems the pursuing valued action requires that level of forcing myself for me. It doesn't arise spontaneously. Just getting through the day requires a lot of thought and effort for everyday things, like brushing my teeth. I'm just starting with a new therapist. I have been seeing one for awhile but am stuck for progress. We just keep going over the same issues and childhood stuff. I hope the new one I've found will be helpful. I'm trying to eat better, cut out sugar and exercise, take supplements and vitamins, etc. Not a lot of success with that but some. Progress anyway. Thank you for reaching out in reply to my message. I can't believe how bad I sound. I really appreciate your support and desire to help.Bruce Bruce, you'll never get completely out of your head..we're all stuck with this. But the practice here does help if you keep to it. I'd say a job well done is nothing to minimize. It made me sad it seemed you weren't able to find some joy in that accomplishment today. Do you do anything that you would call fun? What sorts of hobbies, interests do you have? Since you stopped drinking, what do you do now with all that time and money? What about nurturing self-care? Do you move your body enough, get sunshine, eat well? Do you do any deep breathing work, anything that centers you, self as process work? Do you find any enjoyment in moment to moment things, like the sun rising, setting, a child playing, animals about in the park? Today I walked in the rain and it was just exquisite. Do you have a compassionate therapist? This is making the biggest difference for me now. I gave up on looking for an ACT or even a "mindfulness" therapist and just went for a really compassionate, humanistic style person This one is eclectic, open, flexible, patient, good listener, offers some great feedback without lecturing, and well, I guess there is just really no power pull there, no giant therapist hat like I've felt with so many others. She's light, doesn't over-pathologize. We're a team. I just needed a kind person to speak with, say anything, sit with. I was going bonkers here in my head. She noticed how heavy my meanderings were, how hard I was on myself. At one point I just started walking around the room like an elephant swaying my trunk, as that's how it felt after I heard my own story aloud..we got a good laugh out of this. So I'm bringing a lot of my ACT practice to the sessions..sometimes I will directly reference it as ACT-y, sometimes not. It matters not. It's so precious, this hour. And so overdue..I'd only been in therapy very sporadically (really hardly any save but maybe a dozen or so sessions with three different people) for the last 6 years or so. I hope you find someone you can talk with live. Preferably a few, but one for starters is very good. I think we all need that. Control really is the problem. I am getting this big time. Wow, how it shows up everywhere..the mind's need to figure out what it's going to be like, what might go wrong, what sort of danger I'm in now simply because he said that in that way or she did that in that way..danger, danger...everywhere. Much of it is defensive posturing around deeper fears is all. Now a lot less trying to control for that which can't be controlled for. And more attention directed to what I can and what I value attending to. I'm showing up for my committed goals, letting go of attachment to outcome more and more. And it's a really good thing. And just letting good in is huge for me. Anyhow..I don't really know what to say, Bruce.. but I would invite you to open yourself up a bit more to finding and allowing some slices of good, some joyous moments, some light, peace in the most unexpected ways, unforeseen places unanticipated times. Kind regards,Terry> > >> > > I hope everyone on the list is doing well today. I myself am stuck > > in> > > suffering without much to do. In this situation, I struggle with > > > rumination. It's another boring day on the job where I am doing > > enough> > > to stay employed and pull my weight but that's about it.> > >> > > I always look forward to messages from the list but there hasn't > > been> > > much in the past few days. I hope that means that things are good > > for> > > most of us. It's my wish that all of us would be well.> > > > > > Bruce> > >> > >> >> >> >>