Re: Willingness and wantingess

[Guest guest]

Bruce I understand where you are right now as well!! What you describe is so

familiar to me when my " I am inadequate as a teacher " shows up. I think Randy's

metaphor of the broken record could be helpful for me too!!!

> > >

> > > I feel like I should want to do what I need to do and that there's

> > > something wrong with me that I don't. I see others cheerfully doing

> > > things and feel like they have motivation that I don't. I am

> > > judging my insides vs. their outsides, as the saying goes, and

> > > finding myself lacking. So this is a very good posting for me to

> > > ponder.

> >

> > Bruce - bear with me if you can -

> >

> > If you see yourself judging " my insides vs. their outsides "

> > and see that you are having thoughts that " I am lacking " - is

> > this a problem? Do you have to get rid of this judging & these

> > thoughts?

> >

> > How has that worked so far?

> >

> > I know I sound like a broken record. Which gives me an idea.

> >

> > Say you recorded yourself saying these thoughts onto an old-

> > fashioned wax cylinder, or somehow got them onto an old

> > phonograph record. And say you started playing the record &

> > hearing yourself say these things. And say you pretended

> > that you had no control over the volume and there was no

> > " off " knob and you could not unplug it either. And say it

> > it was playing in your home - right where your family is -

> > and that a similar model was playing where you work - etc.

> > You get the picture.

> >

> > Would you have to give up everything else to try and find

> > a way to turn the record player off or turn the volume down?

> >

> > Say you couldn't. And that you started having thoughts about

> > how discouraging it was that you couldn't - about how bad

> > it was that you would have to spend your life listening to

> > this record player no matter where you are.

> >

> > And what if you then recorded yourself saying these things,

> > and put THAT on a record, and started to play THAT record too?

> >

> > On the other hand - what happens if you start listening to

> > the quality of the recording & really paying attention to that -

> > sort of as an audiophile might. Or if you start listening to

> > the words & see if any of them rhyme. Or if at a certain

> > point you start doing something anyway that you want to do,

> > with the record playing in the background.

> >

> > What if instead of spending your time crouching in front of

> > the record player trying to move knobs that don't move, you

> > start walking around the room & doing other stuff?

> >

> > What if the record player played, and you did stuff, and

> > sometimes you heard the record player in the background,

> > and sometimes you found yourself not hearing it - and either

> > way it was OK?

> >

> > I've been there too. I fully get the head trip. It's a head

> > trip. You are more than a head. Ponder if you like ... but

> > be aware you can ponder your entire life away, crouching by

> > the record player.

> >

> > And if when you hear " ponder my life away " you suddenly have

> > the thought that THIS is the real problem, and that you need

> > to feel bad about THIS too ... now you have another record

> > for your the record player. And another chance to choose, too.

> >

> > Because maybe they're all the same record player . . .

> >

> > - Randy

> >

> >

> >

>