Re: I don't think I like him anymore.

[Guest guest]

yea, and they're so offended when we say we just want to be alone!! AARRRGHHH

Kerri

RE: Re: I don't think I like him anymore.

>>>>>>>

I think I need a full week alone...with my books, a TV ...a few DVD's and a

massage therapist...and a bartender..

Is this too much to ask??

(everyone just leave me alone, I think that's what I'm trying to say!)

Kerri

<<<<<<<

NO! It's NOT too much to ask....Is there no way you can get to PA in

April???

{{{hugs}}} Kerri....I'm sure we ALL can relate to this one...(Just 1

day...please...just 1 day ALONE......yep...i get it)

Penny :-(

[Guest guest]

>> Can a man have a midlife crisis at 32?>>

Well, to be honest, Grace, for some reason I thought you had said he

was forty. :-) I guess that's the other guy...

On the other hand, I think a person can have a " midlife crisis "

anytime they find themselves " amid " a life they are overwhelmed

by...and don't have the vaguest idea how to " fix " ...makes a person

stop and take stock of things, you know?

> I know.... so in other words, he feels exactly like I feel, 2 years

>AFTER the fact. Great.>>

Yup...but it's all part of the process...and he has to do it sometime.

> It's like this..... he has autistic kids, and he does so much more

now than

> what he THOUGHT he would be doing when he got married with kids.

In other

> words, he thought he could sit on the couch with a remote and be

served

> dinner and receive foot massages or something. NOW, he actually

has to get

> up and brush their teeth, tuck them in with me. OOOOOH, tough

job. Or he

> actually has to bathe his own children, what a MAN! Or he changes a

> diaper - - PERFECT FATHER.

> It's like... how stupid can you possibly BE?>>

It's not stupidity, in my mind...it's that he-man mindset so many men

are raised with--whether they realize it or not. (Apologies to the

men on the list...who seem to not fall into this category at all.) My

husband used to tell me that he " didn't have time " to help out with

the housework or kids...even when I sat down and went through his day

with him and pointed out several hours of unstructured time during

which he did exactly as he pleased...in his mind, the man goes out to

work, comes home, sits down and relaxes to get ready for the

next " tough " day out in the " real " world. The woman's job is to take

care of the kids (no matter what), fix healthy, tasty meals (from

scratch so that his hard earned cash isn't wasted---guess how long

it's been since THAT was the norm here...), do all the house work

(including the lawn, if I didn't flat out refuse), run all the

errands, do simple repairs around the house, take care of the

pets...well, you get the idea. It's the way he was raised...but of

course, his dad was working full time and going to law school when he

was a kid, so it was a bit different from him working an 8 hour day

and refusing to do anything else, and they didn't have any kids with

disabilities like '. But it's his mindset...that is what he saw

as a kid.

> So... how do you teach him/them that this is not it? That this is

> nowhere near enough?>

I don't know if Mark will ever completely see it, to be honest. I

have had to just decide for myself which things I can get away with

leaving undone and let him deal with it if he doesn't help. What

happens is that *he* can't stand for the lawn to be unmowed, the

garbage to not go out every night, his clothes for work to remain

unpressed, the bills to go unpaid, the cars to go unwashed. Now,

most of those things I would eventually get around to, as they are

necessary (altho I would have just hired someone to do the

lawn)...but I discovered that these are things he WILL do...so I just

don't. It's not particularly good for our relationship, but I

couldn't do it all, and he wasn't going to help, so it was a matter

of survival.

He was so out of touch with what I was dealing with that I was

getting physically ill. I recall one Sunday a couple of years ago

when I was teaching a Sunday school class...I was so exhausted that I

began to get dizzy. The pastor came in and took over the class and I

went in and lay down on the couch in his office. Mark told me to

stop on the way home (we were in separate cars) and get fast food for

lunch (something he hates to do on Sundays), and then told me to lie

down at home and take a nap. I had been down for almost ten minutes

when he came in and said, " I hate to bother you, but is

messy " . I got up and changed him (he couldn't do that?), then went

to sleep. Exactly one hour later, Mark came in and said in a fairly

snippish tone, " I have to get some rest so I can go to work tomorrow;

you need to get up and watch the kids. " I got up, he lay down and

slept for FOUR HOURS. I was so mad at him...that was a turning point

for me. THAT was when I realized that he didn't have a clue. He

could have walked out that day and never come back for all I cared.

It took me a couple of years to give a hoot about him after that.

> Should the grief be hitting him NOW? I mean, I am on the tail end

of it

> now. We've dealt with this for almost 3 years now. Please, after

all this

> time, he has to pull this NOW? This is about the time I am coming

out of my

> fullblown grief stage, getting my act together, got them in school,

getting

> the home program started - - it's supposed to be a time of newfound

hope for

> our girls.>>

The grief can hit you anytime...it varies from person to person.

Maybe Shaun has held it all together while you were coping with your

grief and is now able to try to work his way through it because he

thinks you are handling things better? Not a conscious decision on

his part, just saying that it goes that way sometimes...people take

turns falling apart.

Do you think that the reason it is hitting him now is BECAUSE of the

home program? I mean, that really throws the whole thing right into

his face...it's not that clear when you are sending them out every

day as it is when they are being worked with right in front of

you...when you are having to rework your entire life around their

therapy needs.

>>And I stood there, thinking who on earth could I

> talk to about this.... and there was NOBODY. I don't want to worry

my parents. I don't want to even speak to his. And friends???

Either their lives are too damn perfect, or just as bad as mine, that

I can't even speak to them!!! So what did I do - - - I e-mailed.>>

I talk to my sister, and I have one friend here who understands a lot

of what is going on (she's a pastor's wife...spends alot of time

dealing with people under stress). And, of course, there is the

lifeline of this list...the ONLY place where I can say exactly what I

am feeling when I am feeling it and not worry about how it will go

over...

> He would swear on

> his mother's life, his own life, etc, that he will never run out on

us. He

> swears he will always be here for me. He swears he loves me more

now than

> he could have ever imagined before.>>

And most likely he means every word of that, Grace. Honest. Even

when he's an absolute jerk, Mark still stays here, because he is

finally growing up, and he truly knows that this is something you

don't just run away from. But since he can't leave, he retreats, and

he doesn't see that hiding from it while still living here is the

same as leaving in many ways. The difference is, he IS still here,

and that means he's still trying to understand, to work it out, to

help in whatever way he can. And he's doing better...he's figuring

it out.

I truly believe that Mark is doing the best he can, within the

emotional limitations of his own personal Hades...and I do see him

making progress in wanting to understand; I now see him making an

effort to do the things he CAN (like take the older kids places they

can't go with or asking if he can stop on the way home and

pick up stuff for me). Heck, after I wrote that remark on Saturday

about him refusing to learn anything about autism, he asked me if he

could come to part of the workshop this weekend...he IS trying. He's

just totally lost in this stuff. It isn't something he ever imagined

having to deal with, it isn't something he can get a grip on the way

I can, and it IS something that upends every idealistic hope he had

for married life. It's been quite a blow...but I know that he is

basically a good (though incredibly spoiled) person, and I have hope

that he will come through it. If he doesn't, I'll have to deal with

that at some point...but as long as he's making progress, I'm okay.

What occurs to me in my case is that Mark has left ' care in my

hands partly because *I* am the expert on kids with disabilities...I

can go on for hours about aspects of ' disability that make no

sense whatsoever to him; I can endure ' violence while still

being concerned about the reasons behind it and warning people to

take care not to hurt him getting him off of me; I can see the whys

behind the weird. Sometimes I think that the reason Mark has backed

off so much is because I made him feel incompetent...and he just

said, " Okay, fine...YOU do it " .

> it's safe to say that I can't even begin to make a guess as to what

my

> future holds, both where my husband and kids are concerned. I just

don't know anything.>>

None of us know what tomorrow will bring, Grace. Any person on the

planet can be struck by sudden loss of everything they hold

dear...people who lose spouses to accidents, people who lose their 3

story executive homes and all they own because of sudden financial

turn downs, people who discover their spouse has a new " significant

other " ...no one gets any guarantees. Take it a day at a time if you

want to stay sane...

Do find a constructive way to tell Shaun what you are feeling. One

of the things that I have found is that when I get so mad I can't

stay " nice " anymore, I end up blurting out how I feel to Mark,

blasting him...sometimes that makes things better eventually, but the

short term result isn't good. The thing that made the most positive

difference was an e-mail I sent him once when I was furious at him

for being so ridiculous...I think seeing it in writing made a

difference for some reason. I'm not saying that you should blast

Shaun....it's generally a pretty bad idea, because you can say stuff

you may wish you hadn't. But think it all through, figure out what

you need to say to him and how best to say it, and then at least try

to communicate it to him in some form. Chances are, he hasn't got a

clue how he's coming off to you right now...and he is probably

wanting to make things better just as much as you are---this can't be

fun for him, either.

Raena (who thinks Shaun is already light years ahead of where Mark

was at the same point...)

[Guest guest]

>

>Happy Belated Anniversary, Amy!!

>

>That must have been a very special day!

>

Thanks Penny! Actually, our anniversary was on Super Bowl Sunday, so we

just stayed home and watched the game! He did make steak for dinner.

Yummy. It was very special knowing what we had been through over the past

year.

Amy H--in Michigan

Kepler 4 1/2 ASD and Bethany 6 NT

" Harmony breeds ignorance. It is the dissonant chords of life that lead us

to wisdom. " ~me

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[Guest guest]

Finally I got to read this, Grace. I am sorry to hear it but I do think

that he is grieving in his own way. I hope his grieving puts him solidly

back in his family but there really are no guarantees in life. I think you

have to express your feelings and then wait for him to sort it all out.

Your girls need both of you if at all possible.

Men take this autistic stuff hard, very hard. Harder than we mothers do in

a way. Shaun sounds like a good man and I do believe he will be there for

you in the end.

Salli