Re: Nightmares

[Guest guest]

Hi Helena:I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.Bruce I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable. After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time. The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it. When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air. My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment. This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward. Helena

[Guest guest]

Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

Bruce

I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time.

The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.

My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment.

This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come

to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.Bruce Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares Hi Helena: I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real. I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking. Bruce I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable. After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time. The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it. When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air. My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment. This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward. Helena

[Guest guest]

> I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep

> yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot

> of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am

> terrified by the prospect.

OK, again I'm going to write this like you are me . . .

What a plausible and comfortable veil the mind places over our

real fear.

It is so much easier for us to pretend that our problem is

too much time on our hands. Every day kills us, we think; and

then what?

It is the " then what " that really terrifies. We can taste it but

we mistake the flavor.

I can maintain this pretense fairly easily. But not always. Yesterday

I saw a woman on the street here in New York City who was crouched

in a doorway, looking inward, away from the bustle, trying to nod

herself into a trance to get away from the pain that was so clearly

visible in her expression. God knows what the difficulty was:

impending or actual homelessness was probably part of it, but

that is only a guess.

She won't live forever, neither will I. Neither will you.

If this is so, what then? I don't want an answer here.

- R.

[Guest guest]

Bruce, I'm not retired but I work only about 25 hours a week. I'd like a full-time job but haven't been able to find one, and the job I have is very secure so I hesitate to leave it. My job is boring and I often don't have anything to do. Then I come home to no one and the boredom continues.

I just accept the fact that I have a very easy, boring life! Sometimes it gets to me, but I pretty much don't let it bother me. I've always been a reflective, quiet person, content to sit back and not be very active, so I guess it fits with my personality. I have always taken care of myself physically, with exercise, etc., so I'm in good health. I'm sure that the fact that I'm getting older has slowed me down somewhat, although I don't feel old. I watch TV, read, play with my cat and bird, and just generally chill out - then repeat all that. Totally boring! I guess I'm choosing to live that way, and it is within my control to change it. So it's all fine as it is and when it's not fine any longer, I'll change it.

Doesn't sound like I can offer you any advice, Bruce, if you're looking to see how others use their spare time. Looking at what I just wrote, I sound like a lazy slob! So be it ... haha!

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 5:38:34 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.

I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.

But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.

Bruce

Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

Bruce

I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time.

The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.

My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment.

This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come

to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Congratulations on the small victories, Bruce! I'm sure your wife will appreciate kissing your smooth, shaven face and cuddling up to your clean, showered body!

I've been thinking about something else you said: "This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games." I am wondering if using language like that - "it will take up the time over the weekend" is part of the problem. I would think that putting those words out there, just saying them, gives them power. What if you deliberately said it differently, something like "it will make for an enjoyable weekend" instead of "it will take up the time over the weekend" - as though taking up time is the purpose of what you will be doing. Is it?

I notice that you use a lot of self-deprecating and helpless "I'm stuck" language, Bruce, and it always makes me want to scream "Don't say that!" I know this sounds a bit like "change your thoughts (words), change your life" which is not ACT's approach, but if we deliberately try to put a different spin on our words, I wonder if it could have a positive effect on our viewpoint? I wonder if anyone else has any words of wisdom on whether changing our words, our self-talk, can be helpful. I don't know how to say it within the context of ACT - perhaps it's alien to ACT (it sounds more like positive thinking or reframing our self-talk) - but could that be helpful?

Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 5:38:34 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.

I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.

But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.

Bruce

Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

Bruce

I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time.

The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.

My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment.

This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come

to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Sorry to monopolize this, but I thought of something to add. I used to be bored a lot. I still am. But now I say to myself "Hey, I have all this free time ... hmmmm ... I wonder what to do with it?" Most often, I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV and just relax. I am content. I used to say "Hey, I have nothing to do and it sucks. I'm stuck at home all alone again and I'm depressed and bored and it will never change." Then I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV ... but I can't relax. I am unhappy.

I don't think changing my self-talk was what changed me from unhappy to content. Somewhere along the line, my self-talk changed because I had changed on the inside - I had come to accept myself and my circumstances exactly as they were. So maybe just changing the self-talk would have had no effect; I don't know. I guess I'm saying that using positive words on purpose would just be scratching the surface and would not lead to change. The change comes first, inside you, then the words change. Would you agree?

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:04:26 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Congratulations on the small victories, Bruce! I'm sure your wife will appreciate kissing your smooth, shaven face and cuddling up to your clean, showered body!

I've been thinking about something else you said: "This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games." I am wondering if using language like that - "it will take up the time over the weekend" is part of the problem. I would think that putting those words out there, just saying them, gives them power. What if you deliberately said it differently, something like "it will make for an enjoyable weekend" instead of "it will take up the time over the weekend" - as though taking up time is the purpose of what you will be doing. Is it?

I notice that you use a lot of self-deprecating and helpless "I'm stuck" language, Bruce, and it always makes me want to scream "Don't say that!" I know this sounds a bit like "change your thoughts (words), change your life" which is not ACT's approach, but if we deliberately try to put a different spin on our words, I wonder if it could have a positive effect on our viewpoint? I wonder if anyone else has any words of wisdom on whether changing our words, our self-talk, can be helpful. I don't know how to say it within the context of ACT - perhaps it's alien to ACT (it sounds more like positive thinking or reframing our self-talk) - but could that be helpful?

Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 5:38:34 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.

I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.

But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.

Bruce

Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

Bruce

I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time.

The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.

My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment.

This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come

to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Last one for now, I promise! Being content to just be with myself is such a miracle. It's so new to me. I think that's why I'm not rushing out to do stuff because I am enjoying this miracle so much ... just sitting with myself and liking it!

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:14:36 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Sorry to monopolize this, but I thought of something to add. I used to be bored a lot. I still am. But now I say to myself "Hey, I have all this free time ... hmmmm ... I wonder what to do with it?" Most often, I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV and just relax. I am content. I used to say "Hey, I have nothing to do and it sucks. I'm stuck at home all alone again and I'm depressed and bored and it will never change." Then I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV ... but I can't relax. I am unhappy.

I don't think changing my self-talk was what changed me from unhappy to content. Somewhere along the line, my self-talk changed because I had changed on the inside - I had come to accept myself and my circumstances exactly as they were. So maybe just changing the self-talk would have had no effect; I don't know. I guess I'm saying that using positive words on purpose would just be scratching the surface and would not lead to change. The change comes first, inside you, then the words change. Would you agree?

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:04:26 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Congratulations on the small victories, Bruce! I'm sure your wife will appreciate kissing your smooth, shaven face and cuddling up to your clean, showered body!

I've been thinking about something else you said: "This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games." I am wondering if using language like that - "it will take up the time over the weekend" is part of the problem. I would think that putting those words out there, just saying them, gives them power. What if you deliberately said it differently, something like "it will make for an enjoyable weekend" instead of "it will take up the time over the weekend" - as though taking up time is the purpose of what you will be doing. Is it?

I notice that you use a lot of self-deprecating and helpless "I'm stuck" language, Bruce, and it always makes me want to scream "Don't say that!" I know this sounds a bit like "change your thoughts (words), change your life" which is not ACT's approach, but if we deliberately try to put a different spin on our words, I wonder if it could have a positive effect on our viewpoint? I wonder if anyone else has any words of wisdom on whether changing our words, our self-talk, can be helpful. I don't know how to say it within the context of ACT - perhaps it's alien to ACT (it sounds more like positive thinking or reframing our self-talk) - but could that be helpful?

Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 5:38:34 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.

I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.

But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.

Bruce

Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

Bruce

I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time.

The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.

My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment.

This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come

to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Hi Bruce - I'm a retired guy with lots of time to spend as I wish. That's been a shock. I feel like I'm living a valued life and I also have thoughts and feelings that I don't like. They present a choice for me - struggle with them and try to make them go away or defuse from the thoughts and make room for the feelings. My experience is that using ACT minimizes the effect of them and trying to make them go away maximizes the effect. Before I learned to use ACT I was miserable on many days. Now I am seldom bothered by my thoughts and feelings. Gradually, my ACT use is becoming a habit rather than a deliberate effort. But I have to stay vigilant for those times when my thoughts want to take me down a rabbit hole or my feelings make me want to just chill out. I have to deliberately use ACT techniques every day, sometimes many times a day.I've tried playing tricks on my thinking self with positive thinking techniques. That is simply a sly way of struggling with them.I'm reading The Confidence Gar, , right now. Here's an excerpt that confirms my experience^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^So here’s my guarantee: if you start using defusion techniques to try to get rid of negative thoughts or to control how you feel, you’ll soon be disappointed or frustrated. Why? Well, firstly, it won’t work. Sure, it may work as a quick-fix technique in an unchallenging situation, but once you get into the real-life challenging situation, it will not have the desired effect. Secondly, if you’re trying to control how you feel, then you’ve once again gotten stuck inside the confidence gap. Once again, you’re playing by the wrong rules: I have to feel confident before I do what matters; or I have to get rid of negative thoughts, and reduce my fear or anxiety before I can behave like the person I want to be. , Russ (2011). The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt (p. 76). Shambhala Publications. Kindle Edition.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Your weekend as you describe it sounds quite valued to me. But you are also describing the struggle with something by keeping busy. The secret is to let go using defusion and acceptance, as well as the other ACT processes.I hope this helps.Bill To: ACT_for_the_Public From: onebnz@...Date: Fri, 11 Nov 2011 14:38:34 -0800Subject: Re: Nightmares

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.Bruce Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares Hi Helena: I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real. I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking. Bruce I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable. After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time. The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it. When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air. My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment. This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward. Helena

[Guest guest]

I would like to fit more hours in the week! I love my work, and I am in a masters program that is awesome, but I also have family and hobbies and meditation and yoda...you get the picture. My reading backlog alone seems like one of those cartoon mile-hi book stacks! The overall package doesn't quite squeeze into the wrapper...).

I am not complaining–it's all been consciously selected–but I do find I am beginning to plan for a slower pace down the line. Time is only a concept, perhaps, but it is also a valuable commodity for me! However, I have found for me that meditation and mindfulness practice is the most effective response to dragging hours when they do appear. When I sit, time doesn't happen or matter, and the following period is relaxed as well.

D>  >> Hi Bruce - I'm a retired guy with lots of time to spend as I wish. That's been a shock. I feel like I'm living a valued life and I also have thoughts and feelings that I don't like. They present a choice for me - struggle with them and try to make them go away or defuse from the thoughts and make room for the feelings. My experience is that using ACT minimizes the effect of them and trying to make them go away maximizes the effect. Before I learned to use ACT I was miserable on many days. Now I am seldom bothered by my thoughts and feelings. Gradually, my ACT use is becoming a habit rather than a deliberate effort. But I have to stay vigilant for those times when my thoughts want to take me down a rabbit hole or my feelings make me want to just chill out. I have to deliberately use ACT techniques every day, sometimes many times a day.

> I've tried playing tricks on my thinking self with positive thinking techniques. That is simply a sly way of struggling with them.> I'm reading The Confidence Gar, , right now. Here's an excerpt that confirms my experience

> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^> So here’s my guarantee: if you start using defusion techniques to try to get rid of negative thoughts or to control how you feel, you’ll soon be disappointed or frustrated. Why? Well, firstly, it won’t work. Sure, it may work as a quick-fix technique in an unchallenging situation, but once you get into the real-life challenging situation, it will not have the desired effect. Secondly, if you’re trying to control how you feel, then you’ve once again gotten stuck inside the confidence gap. Once again, you’re playing by the wrong rules: I have to feel confident before I do what matters; or I have to get rid of negative thoughts, and reduce my fear or anxiety before I can behave like the person I want to be. 

> , Russ (2011). The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt (p. 76). Shambhala Publications. Kindle Edition.> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

> Your weekend as you describe it sounds quite valued to me. But you are also describing the struggle with something by keeping busy. The secret is to let go using defusion and acceptance, as well as the other ACT processes.

> I hope this helps.> Bill >  > ________________________________> To: ACT_for_the_Public > From: onebnz@...

> Date: Fri, 11 Nov 2011 14:38:34 -0800> Subject: Re: Nightmares>>  > Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.

>> I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.

> But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.

> Bruce>> >>  > Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us.  I wonder what that means?  I guess I like it my way best, lol!

>> Helena>>>> ________________________________> > To: " ACT for the Public " <ACT_for_the_Public >

> Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PM> Subject: Re: Nightmares>>  > Hi Helena:>> I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

> I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

> Bruce>> >>  > I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo.  When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad.  When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much.  The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

>  > After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then.  Keep me away from him THEN?  No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time. 

>  > The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later.  I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an " adult " sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

>  > When I was watching it, I was kinda OK.  Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful.  I seemed detached.  But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form.  In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child

>> -- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@...

[Guest guest]

Hi Bill, it's so good to hear from you again.

It sounds like you answered my question about the possible value of "reframing one's words to spin them more positively" with this:

"I've tried playing tricks on my thinking self with positive thinking techniques. That is simply a sly way of struggling with them."

I think I came to the same conclusion. The positive thoughts come on their own after you accept things as they are. Before then, any attempt to change the wording of your thoughts can be just an avoidance technique that doesn't work. But I also recognize that we are all different and, for some people, re-wording their statements about and to themselves might be useful. I know people who use that technique effectively. It's just that you cannot count on that alone to make a difference. Bottom line is accepting, making room for, things as they are. Yet one person's avoidance technique may be a useful tool for another person, methinks.

Please comment more often. Because I miss you and your wisdom, that's why! Isn't that a good enough reason? But I won't beg : )Best regards,

Helena

To: "ACT_for_the_Public" <act_for_the_public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 8:19:43 AMSubject: RE: Nightmares

Hi Bruce - I'm a retired guy with lots of time to spend as I wish. That's been a shock. I feel like I'm living a valued life and I also have thoughts and feelings that I don't like. They present a choice for me - struggle with them and try to make them go away or defuse from the thoughts and make room for the feelings. My experience is that using ACT minimizes the effect of them and trying to make them go away maximizes the effect. Before I learned to use ACT I was miserable on many days. Now I am seldom bothered by my thoughts and feelings. Gradually, my ACT use is becoming a habit rather than a deliberate effort. But I have to stay vigilant for those times when my thoughts want to take me down a rabbit hole or my feelings make me want to just chill out. I have to deliberately use ACT techniques every day, sometimes many times a day.

I've tried playing tricks on my thinking self with positive thinking techniques. That is simply a sly way of struggling with them.

I'm reading The Confidence Gar, , right now. Here's an excerpt that confirms my experience

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

So here’s my guarantee: if you start using defusion techniques to try to get rid of negative thoughts or to control how you feel, you’ll soon be disappointed or frustrated. Why? Well, firstly, it won’t work. Sure, it may work as a quick-fix technique in an unchallenging situation, but once you get into the real-life challenging situation, it will not have the desired effect. Secondly, if you’re trying to control how you feel, then you’ve once again gotten stuck inside the confidence gap. Once again, you’re playing by the wrong rules: I have to feel confident before I do what matters; or I have to get rid of negative thoughts, and reduce my fear or anxiety before I can behave like the person I want to be.

, Russ (2011). The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt (p. 76). Shambhala Publications. Kindle Edition.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Your weekend as you describe it sounds quite valued to me. But you are also describing the struggle with something by keeping busy. The secret is to let go using defusion and acceptance, as well as the other ACT processes.

I hope this helps.

Bill

To: ACT_for_the_Public From: onebnz@...Date: Fri, 11 Nov 2011 14:38:34 -0800Subject: Re: Nightmares

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.

I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.

But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.

Bruce

Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

Bruce

I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time.

The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.

My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment.

This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.

Helena

[Guest guest]

I'm back from the first round of basketball games and it was kind of a tough morning. Everything went great, things are perfectly fine now, too. But I sat there not being OK. And I guess I was beating myself up for not being able to relax and be fully present and involved. I was also disappointed that an activity I hoped was going to be good was not giving me some enjoyment. It makes it really hard to have a positive outlook when positive activities don't budge my well-being. I see what you're saying about language. It sounds like what you're describing letting go. I'm trying so hard to do that, let go of of expectations and just be. I have a four hour break at home before our next game and I'm in the same struggle. What do I do with my time? I literally can't think of anything valuable to do. Right now, I'm sitting in our living room while my daughter watches TV and I type away on this email. And that will be another afternoon in the books. I tell myself I can accept that. I tell myself that I accept that, that there's nothing else to do so why not be OK with it. I'm just so baffled by this idea of acceptance. I feel like I'm accepting but I don't feel any different. I do use a lot helpless stuck language. I guess I feel helpless and stuck. I know I shouldn't be focusing my efforts on feeling better. I know this. But I've still got four hours to fill.Bruce Congratulations on the small victories, Bruce! I'm sure your wife will appreciate kissing your smooth, shaven face and cuddling up to your clean, showered body! I've been thinking about something else you said: "This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games." I am wondering if using language like that - "it will take up the time over the weekend" is part of the problem. I would think that putting those words out there, just saying them, gives them power. What if you deliberately said it differently, something like "it will make for an enjoyable weekend" instead of "it will take up the time over the weekend" - as though taking up time is the purpose of what you will be doing. Is it? I notice that you use a lot of self-deprecating and helpless "I'm stuck" language, Bruce, and it always makes me want to scream "Don't say that!" I know this sounds a bit like "change your thoughts (words), change your life" which is not ACT's approach, but if we deliberately try to put a different spin on our words, I wonder if it could have a positive effect on our viewpoint? I wonder if anyone else has any words of wisdom on whether changing our words, our self-talk, can be helpful. I don't know how to say it within the context of ACT - perhaps it's alien to ACT (it sounds more like positive thinking or reframing our self-talk) - but could that be helpful? Helena From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 5:38:34 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade. I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games. But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect. Bruce Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares Hi Helena: I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real. I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking. Bruce I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable. After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time. The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it. When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air. My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment. This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward. Helena

[Guest guest]

I shared myself, my deep feelings. That no one comments makes me feel that I am not enough. See how easily I buy into that again? Just when I thought I was doing good? I must not be doing so well if I need to hear that I am.

Oh, jeeeezzzz

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:19:44 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Last one for now, I promise! Being content to just be with myself is such a miracle. It's so new to me. I think that's why I'm not rushing out to do stuff because I am enjoying this miracle so much ... just sitting with myself and liking it!

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:14:36 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Sorry to monopolize this, but I thought of something to add. I used to be bored a lot. I still am. But now I say to myself "Hey, I have all this free time ... hmmmm ... I wonder what to do with it?" Most often, I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV and just relax. I am content. I used to say "Hey, I have nothing to do and it sucks. I'm stuck at home all alone again and I'm depressed and bored and it will never change." Then I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV ... but I can't relax. I am unhappy.

I don't think changing my self-talk was what changed me from unhappy to content. Somewhere along the line, my self-talk changed because I had changed on the inside - I had come to accept myself and my circumstances exactly as they were. So maybe just changing the self-talk would have had no effect; I don't know. I guess I'm saying that using positive words on purpose would just be scratching the surface and would not lead to change. The change comes first, inside you, then the words change. Would you agree?

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:04:26 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Congratulations on the small victories, Bruce! I'm sure your wife will appreciate kissing your smooth, shaven face and cuddling up to your clean, showered body!

I've been thinking about something else you said: "This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games." I am wondering if using language like that - "it will take up the time over the weekend" is part of the problem. I would think that putting those words out there, just saying them, gives them power. What if you deliberately said it differently, something like "it will make for an enjoyable weekend" instead of "it will take up the time over the weekend" - as though taking up time is the purpose of what you will be doing. Is it?

I notice that you use a lot of self-deprecating and helpless "I'm stuck" language, Bruce, and it always makes me want to scream "Don't say that!" I know this sounds a bit like "change your thoughts (words), change your life" which is not ACT's approach, but if we deliberately try to put a different spin on our words, I wonder if it could have a positive effect on our viewpoint? I wonder if anyone else has any words of wisdom on whether changing our words, our self-talk, can be helpful. I don't know how to say it within the context of ACT - perhaps it's alien to ACT (it sounds more like positive thinking or reframing our self-talk) - but could that be helpful?

Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 5:38:34 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.

I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.

But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.

Bruce

Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

Bruce

I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time.

The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.

My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment.

This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come

to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Hi Helena:I really appreciate your sharing. I think you are doing well. I wish I was doing as well.Bruce I shared myself, my deep feelings. That no one comments makes me feel that I am not enough. See how easily I buy into that again? Just when I thought I was doing good? I must not be doing so well if I need to hear that I am. Oh, jeeeezzzz To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:19:44 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares Last one for now, I promise! Being content to just be with myself is such a miracle. It's so new to me. I think that's why I'm not rushing out to do stuff because I am enjoying this miracle so much ... just sitting with myself and liking it! To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:14:36 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares Sorry to monopolize this, but I thought of something to add. I used to be bored a lot. I still am. But now I say to myself "Hey, I have all this free time ... hmmmm ... I wonder what to do with it?" Most often, I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV and just relax. I am content. I used to say "Hey, I have nothing to do and it sucks. I'm stuck at home all alone again and I'm depressed and bored and it will never change." Then I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV ... but I can't relax. I am unhappy. I don't think changing my self-talk was what changed me from unhappy to content. Somewhere along the line, my self-talk changed because I had changed on the inside - I had come to accept myself and my circumstances exactly as they were. So maybe just changing the self-talk would have had no effect; I don't know. I guess I'm saying that using positive words on purpose would just be scratching the surface and would not lead to change. The change comes first, inside you, then the words change. Would you agree? Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:04:26 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares Congratulations on the small victories, Bruce! I'm sure your wife will appreciate kissing your smooth, shaven face and cuddling up to your clean, showered body! I've been thinking about something else you said: "This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games." I am wondering if using language like that - "it will take up the time over the weekend" is part of the problem. I would think that putting those words out there, just saying them, gives them power. What if you deliberately said it differently, something like "it will make for an enjoyable weekend" instead of "it will take up the time over the weekend" - as though taking up time is the purpose of what you will be doing. Is it? I notice that you use a lot of self-deprecating and helpless "I'm stuck" language, Bruce, and it always makes me want to scream "Don't say that!" I know this sounds a bit like "change your thoughts (words), change your life" which is not ACT's approach, but if we deliberately try to put a different spin on our words, I wonder if it could have a positive effect on our viewpoint? I wonder if anyone else has any words of wisdom on whether changing our words, our self-talk, can be helpful. I don't know how to say it within the context of ACT - perhaps it's alien to ACT (it sounds more like positive thinking or reframing our self-talk) - but could that be helpful? Helena From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 5:38:34 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade. I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games. But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect. Bruce Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares Hi Helena: I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real. I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking. Bruce I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable. After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time. The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it. When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air. My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment. This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward. Helena

[Guest guest]

It's nice to have our feelings and stories acknowledged by others, after all we are social creatures. But you are right, you don't 'need' that, irrespective of what your mind tells you. It's just nice.

Similarly, feeling disappointed that you've not been acknowledged doesn't mean that you are somehow failing, or not 'doing good'. It's the same trick your mind is pulling.

Every single one of us would feel disappointed if we felt ignored, every single one of us. But is feeling disappointed a signal that we have to do something about it? It doesn't feel nice, but it's not a big deal, is it? Just one of life's ups and downs. Don't buy into the idea that it is anything more than that, like signal of failure.

Take it easy, x

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public >Cc: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, 13 November 2011, 0:09Subject: Re: Nightmares

I shared myself, my deep feelings. That no one comments makes me feel that I am not enough. See how easily I buy into that again? Just when I thought I was doing good? I must not be doing so well if I need to hear that I am.

Oh, jeeeezzzz

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:19:44 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Last one for now, I promise! Being content to just be with myself is such a miracle. It's so new to me. I think that's why I'm not rushing out to do stuff because I am enjoying this miracle so much ... just sitting with myself and liking it!

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:14:36 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Sorry to monopolize this, but I thought of something to add. I used to be bored a lot. I still am. But now I say to myself "Hey, I have all this free time ... hmmmm ... I wonder what to do with it?" Most often, I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV and just relax. I am content. I used to say "Hey, I have nothing to do and it sucks. I'm stuck at home all alone again and I'm depressed and bored and it will never change." Then I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV ... but I can't relax. I am unhappy.

I don't think changing my self-talk was what changed me from unhappy to content. Somewhere along the line, my self-talk changed because I had changed on the inside - I had come to accept myself and my circumstances exactly as they were. So maybe just changing the self-talk would have had no effect; I don't know. I guess I'm saying that using positive words on purpose would just be scratching the surface and would not lead to change. The change comes first, inside you, then the words change. Would you agree?

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:04:26 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Congratulations on the small victories, Bruce! I'm sure your wife will appreciate kissing your smooth, shaven face and cuddling up to your clean, showered body!

I've been thinking about something else you said: "This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games." I am wondering if using language like that - "it will take up the time over the weekend" is part of the problem. I would think that putting those words out there, just saying them, gives them power. What if you deliberately said it differently, something like "it will make for an enjoyable weekend" instead of "it will take up the time over the weekend" - as though taking up time is the purpose of what you will be doing. Is it?

I notice that you use a lot of self-deprecating and helpless "I'm stuck" language, Bruce, and it always makes me want to scream "Don't say that!" I know this sounds a bit like "change your thoughts (words), change your life" which is not ACT's approach, but if we deliberately try to put a different spin on our words, I wonder if it could have a positive effect on our viewpoint? I wonder if anyone else has any words of wisdom on whether changing our words, our self-talk, can be helpful. I don't know how to say it within the context of ACT - perhaps it's alien to ACT (it sounds more like positive thinking or reframing our self-talk) - but could that be helpful?

Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 5:38:34 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.

I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.

But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.

Bruce

Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

Bruce

I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time.

The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.

My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment.

This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come

to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.

Helena

[Guest guest]

"I must not be doing so well if I need to hear that I am"Helena, I hope you have thanked your mind for that one?Like Bruce said, I can't see anything wrong with hoping that other people respond, unless you want to be "superwoman who deson't care".Wich isn't very super, I'd say...However, an interesting challenge might be to explicitly ask for feedback?Saying to other people that you care about their responses is making yourself very vulnerable on the one hand, and strong on the other, in the sense that you validate youself what's important for you.And you also validate other people's importance. You could well say that, by asking them, you validate them...All the best,Maarten

> > <blockquote>> >  > > > > > > I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable. >  > > > After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time. >  > > > The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it. >  > > > When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air. >  > > > My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment. >  > > > This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come > > to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward. >  > > > Helena >  > >  > >  > > > >  > > > > > > > > > > > </blockquote>>

[Guest guest]

Hi Bruce,Let me respond to the following passage:"Right now, I'm sitting in our living room while my daughter watches TV and I type away on this email. And that will be another afternoon in the books. I tell myself I can accept that. I tell myself that I accept that, that there's nothing else to do so why not be OK with it. I'm just so baffled by this idea of acceptance. I feel like I'm accepting but I don't feel any different."Before I explain what acceptance is and isn't, you might want to defuse your judgments, especially your implicit judgments. Instead of having your evaluations deceive you by seeming to be more than they are, look at them for what they truly are: thoughts. For example, if you have any judgments about that recommendation, thank your word machine for that evaluation. C. wrote the following in chapter 7 of GOYMIYL: "The kinds of thought that tend to be most entangling when they are in the wrong context are evaluations and self-conceptualizations." Does this seem to capture what's been going on for you Bruce?Now that we got that out of the way, let us head toward Acceptance. Acceptance is not resignation over the conditions of your life;it isn't wanting or liking something;it isn't agreeing with a thought;it isn't an evaluation;it isn't a technique to make you feel happier or calmer.If you want to know what it is, then you might first have to practice defusion, the observing self, and contact with the present moment before you practice acceptance. That's because those core processes makes acceptance so much easier. Still if you want to know what acceptance is, then it is simply:Feeling more.It is feeling your feelings, thinking your thoughts, sensing your sensations without defense. C.> >> >> >> > I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl > > whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few > > years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. > > When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I > > had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a > > teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to > > my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were > > blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The > > pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and > > bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.> >> >> > After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell > > her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. > > Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the > > time.> >> >> > The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position > > and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. > > I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign- > > in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the > > guts to see it.> >> >> > When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came > > back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed > > detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), > > the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was > > not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was > > powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The > > dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.> >> >> > My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never > > rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That > > they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so- > > surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with > > that. Now. In this moment.> >> >> > This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with > > the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT > > tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something > > emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took > > me days to come> >> > to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see > > that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part > > of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.> >> >> > Helena> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

[Guest guest]

As I've come to expect from you, your response is spot on, ! Thanks for putting it into words that make so much sense.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, November 13, 2011 4:30:33 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

It's nice to have our feelings and stories acknowledged by others, after all we are social creatures. But you are right, you don't 'need' that, irrespective of what your mind tells you. It's just nice.

Similarly, feeling disappointed that you've not been acknowledged doesn't mean that you are somehow failing, or not 'doing good'. It's the same trick your mind is pulling.

Every single one of us would feel disappointed if we felt ignored, every single one of us. But is feeling disappointed a signal that we have to do something about it? It doesn't feel nice, but it's not a big deal, is it? Just one of life's ups and downs. Don't buy into the idea that it is anything more than that, like signal of failure.

Take it easy, x

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public >Cc: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, 13 November 2011, 0:09Subject: Re: Nightmares

I shared myself, my deep feelings. That no one comments makes me feel that I am not enough. See how easily I buy into that again? Just when I thought I was doing good? I must not be doing so well if I need to hear that I am.

Oh, jeeeezzzz

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:19:44 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Last one for now, I promise! Being content to just be with myself is such a miracle. It's so new to me. I think that's why I'm not rushing out to do stuff because I am enjoying this miracle so much ... just sitting with myself and liking it!

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:14:36 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Sorry to monopolize this, but I thought of something to add. I used to be bored a lot. I still am. But now I say to myself "Hey, I have all this free time ... hmmmm ... I wonder what to do with it?" Most often, I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV and just relax. I am content. I used to say "Hey, I have nothing to do and it sucks. I'm stuck at home all alone again and I'm depressed and bored and it will never change." Then I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV ... but I can't relax. I am unhappy.

I don't think changing my self-talk was what changed me from unhappy to content. Somewhere along the line, my self-talk changed because I had changed on the inside - I had come to accept myself and my circumstances exactly as they were. So maybe just changing the self-talk would have had no effect; I don't know. I guess I'm saying that using positive words on purpose would just be scratching the surface and would not lead to change. The change comes first, inside you, then the words change. Would you agree?

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:04:26 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Congratulations on the small victories, Bruce! I'm sure your wife will appreciate kissing your smooth, shaven face and cuddling up to your clean, showered body!

I've been thinking about something else you said: "This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games." I am wondering if using language like that - "it will take up the time over the weekend" is part of the problem. I would think that putting those words out there, just saying them, gives them power. What if you deliberately said it differently, something like "it will make for an enjoyable weekend" instead of "it will take up the time over the weekend" - as though taking up time is the purpose of what you will be doing. Is it?

I notice that you use a lot of self-deprecating and helpless "I'm stuck" language, Bruce, and it always makes me want to scream "Don't say that!" I know this sounds a bit like "change your thoughts (words), change your life" which is not ACT's approach, but if we deliberately try to put a different spin on our words, I wonder if it could have a positive effect on our viewpoint? I wonder if anyone else has any words of wisdom on whether changing our words, our self-talk, can be helpful. I don't know how to say it within the context of ACT - perhaps it's alien to ACT (it sounds more like positive thinking or reframing our self-talk) - but could that be helpful?

Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 5:38:34 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.

I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.

But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.

Bruce

Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

Bruce

I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time.

The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.

My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment.

This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come

to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Maarten! Yeah, that statement of mine sounds pretty stupid to me this morning! Thanks, mind.

As for asking for feedback, I believe I did that: I wonder if anyone else has any words of wisdom on whether changing our words, our self-talk, can be helpful. And later: The change comes first, inside you, then the words change. Would you agree?

But I had posted so much all at once, people pro'ly didn't read all the way through, and even if they did, asking for feedback does not obligate anyone to provide it. Seems so clear to me today.

As far as asking for validation goes, I have had lots of that from the group here. People have even emailed me privately to say they have noticed my progress. That meant the world to me.

I still have my PMS (Poor Me Syndrome) moments - and in hindsight, I think I'm surprised that the PMS bug still bites me so often - and it keeps me humble. I say to myself, "OK then ... so you're not all that perfect!" It's not about perfection, after all.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, November 13, 2011 5:34:08 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

"I must not be doing so well if I need to hear that I am"

Helena, I hope you have thanked your mind for that one?

Like Bruce said, I can't see anything wrong with hoping that other people respond, unless you want to be "superwoman who deson't care".Wich isn't very super, I'd say...

However, an interesting challenge might be to explicitly ask for feedback?

Saying to other people that you care about their responses is making yourself very vulnerable on the one hand, and strong on the other, in the sense that you validate youself what's important for you.

And you also validate other people's importance. You could well say that, by asking them, you validate them...

All the best,

Maarten

> > <blockquote>> >  > > > > > > I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable. >  > > > After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time. >  > > > The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it. >  > > > When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air. >  > > > My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment. >  > > > This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come > > to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward. >  > > > Helena >  > >  > >  > > > >  > > > > > > > > > > > </blockquote>>

[Guest guest]

Bruce, thank you. Your sharing your struggles here is helpful to all of us because we've all been there and still visit that place quite a lot (as least I do).

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, November 13, 2011 12:40:26 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I really appreciate your sharing. I think you are doing well. I wish I was doing as well.

Bruce

I shared myself, my deep feelings. That no one comments makes me feel that I am not enough. See how easily I buy into that again? Just when I thought I was doing good? I must not be doing so well if I need to hear that I am.

Oh, jeeeezzzz

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:19:44 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Last one for now, I promise! Being content to just be with myself is such a miracle. It's so new to me. I think that's why I'm not rushing out to do stuff because I am enjoying this miracle so much ... just sitting with myself and liking it!

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:14:36 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Sorry to monopolize this, but I thought of something to add. I used to be bored a lot. I still am. But now I say to myself "Hey, I have all this free time ... hmmmm ... I wonder what to do with it?" Most often, I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV and just relax. I am content. I used to say "Hey, I have nothing to do and it sucks. I'm stuck at home all alone again and I'm depressed and bored and it will never change." Then I sink back into my easy chair and pick up a book or watch TV ... but I can't relax. I am unhappy.

I don't think changing my self-talk was what changed me from unhappy to content. Somewhere along the line, my self-talk changed because I had changed on the inside - I had come to accept myself and my circumstances exactly as they were. So maybe just changing the self-talk would have had no effect; I don't know. I guess I'm saying that using positive words on purpose would just be scratching the surface and would not lead to change. The change comes first, inside you, then the words change. Would you agree?

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 7:04:26 AMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Congratulations on the small victories, Bruce! I'm sure your wife will appreciate kissing your smooth, shaven face and cuddling up to your clean, showered body!

I've been thinking about something else you said: "This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games." I am wondering if using language like that - "it will take up the time over the weekend" is part of the problem. I would think that putting those words out there, just saying them, gives them power. What if you deliberately said it differently, something like "it will make for an enjoyable weekend" instead of "it will take up the time over the weekend" - as though taking up time is the purpose of what you will be doing. Is it?

I notice that you use a lot of self-deprecating and helpless "I'm stuck" language, Bruce, and it always makes me want to scream "Don't say that!" I know this sounds a bit like "change your thoughts (words), change your life" which is not ACT's approach, but if we deliberately try to put a different spin on our words, I wonder if it could have a positive effect on our viewpoint? I wonder if anyone else has any words of wisdom on whether changing our words, our self-talk, can be helpful. I don't know how to say it within the context of ACT - perhaps it's alien to ACT (it sounds more like positive thinking or reframing our self-talk) - but could that be helpful?

Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 5:38:34 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.

I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.

But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.

Bruce

Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena

From: "Bruce Carlson" <onebnzcomcast (DOT) net>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

Bruce

I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time.

The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.

My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment.

This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come

to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your compliments, Helena.I took a break from posting to this list to try to get some clarity about how to truly be helpful. As I get farther down the ACT road I find I have less and less confidence about how to help, especially in this medium. I'm a person who will throw whatever I have to a drowning person, thinking it might serve as a life ring. But sometimes it turns out to be a sledgehammer! We know so little about each other - only what we tell and are told; and that is colored by our own experience. I have a hunch that therapists struggle with this even with the benefit of face to face sessions. So, rather than offer advice I will try to relate my experience and provide references to what works for me.Through hard work, the help of an awesome therapist, the professional posts to this list and posts from my friends on this list I have managed to find a lot of psychological flexibility. My success has not come easily and it requires continuous vigilance. I still have some rough days but I manage to live a very valued life. Not a day goes by that I do not purposely and frequently use ACT techniques. Some are becoming a habit, especially defusion from unhelpful thoughts. I'm most proud of my skill at noticing what is going on and noticing that I am noticing. That allows me to use other ACT processes when needed. But even when I notice and notice that I am noticing I sometimes feel like ACT is an obscure concept that I only heard about long ago. It's like picking up my banjo and having to look in the book to find where to put my fingers for the chord I want. But I'm getting better. When I first started reading ACT books I chuckled at the authors' admonishments to actually practice the exercises. I've spent most of my life winging it with my intellect so I thought I could just read the books and get it. Grossly not so.I measure my "success" each day by how well I followed my committed action plan. I had an interesting eye opener a month or two ago when I noticed that I did not have a value of "taking care of myself." This was leaving a big hole in my values-driven life as it set me up to "just do more nice things for others." That would fall under the category of "brute force" ACT. I'm beginning to learn and practice some self compassion.Take care,BillTo: ACT_for_the_Public From: hbbr@...Date: Sat, 12 Nov 2011 20:38:51 +0000Subject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Bill, it's so good to hear from you again.

It sounds like you answered my question about the possible value of "reframing one's words to spin them more positively" with this:

"I've tried playing tricks on my thinking self with positive thinking techniques. That is simply a sly way of struggling with them."

I think I came to the same conclusion. The positive thoughts come on their own after you accept things as they are. Before then, any attempt to change the wording of your thoughts can be just an avoidance technique that doesn't work. But I also recognize that we are all different and, for some people, re-wording their statements about and to themselves might be useful. I know people who use that technique effectively. It's just that you cannot count on that alone to make a difference. Bottom line is accepting, making room for, things as they are. Yet one person's avoidance technique may be a useful tool for another person, methinks.

Please comment more often. Because I miss you and your wisdom, that's why! Isn't that a good enough reason? But I won't beg : )Best regards,

Helena

To: "ACT_for_the_Public" <act_for_the_public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 8:19:43 AMSubject: RE: Nightmares

Hi Bruce - I'm a retired guy with lots of time to spend as I wish. That's been a shock. I feel like I'm living a valued life and I also have thoughts and feelings that I don't like. They present a choice for me - struggle with them and try to make them go away or defuse from the thoughts and make room for the feelings. My experience is that using ACT minimizes the effect of them and trying to make them go away maximizes the effect. Before I learned to use ACT I was miserable on many days. Now I am seldom bothered by my thoughts and feelings. Gradually, my ACT use is becoming a habit rather than a deliberate effort. But I have to stay vigilant for those times when my thoughts want to take me down a rabbit hole or my feelings make me want to just chill out. I have to deliberately use ACT techniques every day, sometimes many times a day.

I've tried playing tricks on my thinking self with positive thinking techniques. That is simply a sly way of struggling with them.

I'm reading The Confidence Gar, , right now. Here's an excerpt that confirms my experience

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

So here’s my guarantee: if you start using defusion techniques to try to get rid of negative thoughts or to control how you feel, you’ll soon be disappointed or frustrated. Why? Well, firstly, it won’t work. Sure, it may work as a quick-fix technique in an unchallenging situation, but once you get into the real-life challenging situation, it will not have the desired effect. Secondly, if you’re trying to control how you feel, then you’ve once again gotten stuck inside the confidence gap. Once again, you’re playing by the wrong rules: I have to feel confident before I do what matters; or I have to get rid of negative thoughts, and reduce my fear or anxiety before I can behave like the person I want to be.

, Russ (2011). The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt (p. 76). Shambhala Publications. Kindle Edition.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Your weekend as you describe it sounds quite valued to me. But you are also describing the struggle with something by keeping busy. The secret is to let go using defusion and acceptance, as well as the other ACT processes.

I hope this helps.

Bill

To: ACT_for_the_Public From: onebnz@...Date: Fri, 11 Nov 2011 14:38:34 -0800Subject: Re: Nightmares

Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade.

I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games.

But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect.

Bruce

Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares

Hi Helena:

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real.

I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking.

Bruce

I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.

After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time.

The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it.

When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.

My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment.

This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.

Helena

[Guest guest]

I have missed your contributions to the list, too Bill. I'm glad to hear you feel you are doing well with ACT. Your comments are always insightful. I know I don't always take them to heart but that's my failing, not yours. You are doing a lot better with ACT than I am and I'm inspired by your example.My committed action plan for the day includes taking care of myself and I do a miserable job of it. That always leaves me feeling bad about myself. I don't eat right or exercise and then I beat myself up over it. What I really hope is that I'll feel a little better emotionally and then I'll be better able to eat and exercise. But that never happens of course. I also hope that when I do exercise, I'll feel better and that doesn't happen either.I really appreciate your saying that you are feeling better and feel better able to apply ACT in your life. These statements provide so much hope. Your experience is so valuable to those of us who are still in the weeds.Bruce Thanks for your compliments, Helena.I took a break from posting to this list to try to get some clarity about how to truly be helpful. As I get farther down the ACT road I find I have less and less confidence about how to help, especially in this medium. I'm a person who will throw whatever I have to a drowning person, thinking it might serve as a life ring. But sometimes it turns out to be a sledgehammer! We know so little about each other - only what we tell and are told; and that is colored by our own experience. I have a hunch that therapists struggle with this even with the benefit of face to face sessions. So, rather than offer advice I will try to relate my experience and provide references to what works for me.Through hard work, the help of an awesome therapist, the professional posts to this list and posts from my friends on this list I have managed to find a lot of psychological flexibility. My success has not come easily and it requires continuous vigilance. I still have some rough days but I manage to live a very valued life. Not a day goes by that I do not purposely and frequently use ACT techniques. Some are becoming a habit, especially defusion from unhelpful thoughts. I'm most proud of my skill at noticing what is going on and noticing that I am noticing. That allows me to use other ACT processes when needed. But even when I notice and notice that I am noticing I sometimes feel like ACT is an obscure concept that I only heard about long ago. It's like picking up my banjo and having to look in the book to find where to put my fingers for the chord I want. But I'm getting better. When I first started reading ACT books I chuckled at the authors' admonishments to actually practice the exercises. I've spent most of my life winging it with my intellect so I thought I could just read the books and get it. Grossly not so.I measure my "success" each day by how well I followed my committed action plan. I had an interesting eye opener a month or two ago when I noticed that I did not have a value of "taking care of myself." This was leaving a big hole in my values-driven life as it set me up to "just do more nice things for others." That would fall under the category of "brute force" ACT. I'm beginning to learn and practice some self compassion.Take care,BillTo: ACT_for_the_Public From: hbbr@...Date: Sat, 12 Nov 2011 20:38:51 +0000Subject: Re: Nightmares Hi Bill, it's so good to hear from you again. It sounds like you answered my question about the possible value of "reframing one's words to spin them more positively" with this: "I've tried playing tricks on my thinking self with positive thinking techniques. That is simply a sly way of struggling with them." I think I came to the same conclusion. The positive thoughts come on their own after you accept things as they are. Before then, any attempt to change the wording of your thoughts can be just an avoidance technique that doesn't work. But I also recognize that we are all different and, for some people, re-wording their statements about and to themselves might be useful. I know people who use that technique effectively. It's just that you cannot count on that alone to make a difference. Bottom line is accepting, making room for, things as they are. Yet one person's avoidance technique may be a useful tool for another person, methinks. Please comment more often. Because I miss you and your wisdom, that's why! Isn't that a good enough reason? But I won't beg : )Best regards, Helena To: "ACT_for_the_Public" <act_for_the_public >Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2011 8:19:43 AMSubject: RE: Nightmares Hi Bruce - I'm a retired guy with lots of time to spend as I wish. That's been a shock. I feel like I'm living a valued life and I also have thoughts and feelings that I don't like. They present a choice for me - struggle with them and try to make them go away or defuse from the thoughts and make room for the feelings. My experience is that using ACT minimizes the effect of them and trying to make them go away maximizes the effect. Before I learned to use ACT I was miserable on many days. Now I am seldom bothered by my thoughts and feelings. Gradually, my ACT use is becoming a habit rather than a deliberate effort. But I have to stay vigilant for those times when my thoughts want to take me down a rabbit hole or my feelings make me want to just chill out. I have to deliberately use ACT techniques every day, sometimes many times a day. I've tried playing tricks on my thinking self with positive thinking techniques. That is simply a sly way of struggling with them. I'm reading The Confidence Gar, , right now. Here's an excerpt that confirms my experience ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ So here’s my guarantee: if you start using defusion techniques to try to get rid of negative thoughts or to control how you feel, you’ll soon be disappointed or frustrated. Why? Well, firstly, it won’t work. Sure, it may work as a quick-fix technique in an unchallenging situation, but once you get into the real-life challenging situation, it will not have the desired effect. Secondly, if you’re trying to control how you feel, then you’ve once again gotten stuck inside the confidence gap. Once again, you’re playing by the wrong rules: I have to feel confident before I do what matters; or I have to get rid of negative thoughts, and reduce my fear or anxiety before I can behave like the person I want to be. , Russ (2011). The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt (p. 76). Shambhala Publications. Kindle Edition. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Your weekend as you describe it sounds quite valued to me. But you are also describing the struggle with something by keeping busy. The secret is to let go using defusion and acceptance, as well as the other ACT processes. I hope this helps. Bill To: ACT_for_the_Public From: onebnz@...Date: Fri, 11 Nov 2011 14:38:34 -0800Subject: Re: Nightmares Yes, I would certainly trade with you if I could. But you certainly wouldn't make the trade. I'm having another sit on my hands Friday. It's very dark and rainy here. I'm congratulating myself for taking a shower and actually shaving today. Small victories. As I've mentioned, I work from home on Fridays so I'm kind of obligated to be here at my computer and available to my employer but nothing is really happening at the moment. I feel sort of like a parking lot attendant, sitting in a little booth in the rain waiting for somebody to come by. The truth is, I'm sitting in an easy chair in my comfortable home with my wife and daughter and things are perfectly fine. Later, I'll take my daughter to basketball and then we'll watch some TV in the evening. This weekend, we have a basketball tournament and I'm really looking forward to that, as it will take up the time over the weekend and I enjoy the games. But in the meantime, I'm kind of adrift. I know quite a few members of our list are retired. I wonder how you handle all the free time? Do you keep yourself busy or do you accept and enjoy that you have a lot of downtime? I'm a ways from retirement myself but am terrified by the prospect. Bruce Bruce, that is interesting ... that you can live scary and I can dream scary .. and yet the opposite is true for both of us. I wonder what that means? I guess I like it my way best, lol!Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, November 11, 2011 4:42:29 PMSubject: Re: Nightmares Hi Helena: I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare. That sounds like it was pretty intense. I'm glad in the end you were able to come to terms with it. It can be difficult to process the emotions of dreams even when we know they're not real. I have been surprised that my dreams are usually pretty pleasant, considering that my waking moments are so troubled. Maybe this is a sign that my subconscious is not processing what I'm thinking about during the day. Or maybe my waking thoughts don't go very deep into my mind. I am glad I don't struggle at night with what gets me so twisted during the day. But it does seem like a disconnect that my dreams can be kind of fun, then I wake to instantly occurring scary thoughts. It's like a nightmare on waking. Bruce I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable. After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the time. The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign-in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the guts to see it. When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air. My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so-surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with that. Now. In this moment. This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took me days to come to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward. Helena

[Guest guest]

Thank you for this, . Hi Bruce,Let me respond to the following passage:"Right now, I'm sitting in our living room while my daughter watches TV and I type away on this email. And that will be another afternoon in the books. I tell myself I can accept that. I tell myself that I accept that, that there's nothing else to do so why not be OK with it. I'm just so baffled by this idea of acceptance. I feel like I'm accepting but I don't feel any different."Before I explain what acceptance is and isn't, you might want to defuse your judgments, especially your implicit judgments. Instead of having your evaluations deceive you by seeming to be more than they are, look at them for what they truly are: thoughts. For example, if you have any judgments about that recommendation, thank your word machine for that evaluation. C. wrote the following in chapter 7 of GOYMIYL: "The kinds of thought that tend to be most entangling when they are in the wrong context are evaluations and self-conceptualizations." Does this seem to capture what's been going on for you Bruce?Now that we got that out of the way, let us head toward Acceptance. Acceptance is not resignation over the conditions of your life;it isn't wanting or liking something;it isn't agreeing with a thought;it isn't an evaluation;it isn't a technique to make you feel happier or calmer.If you want to know what it is, then you might first have to practice defusion, the observing self, and contact with the present moment before you practice acceptance. That's because those core processes makes acceptance so much easier. Still if you want to know what acceptance is, then it is simply:Feeling more.It is feeling your feelings, thinking your thoughts, sensing your sensations without defense. C.> >> >> >> > I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl > > whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few > > years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. > > When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I > > had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a > > teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to > > my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were > > blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The > > pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and > > bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.> >> >> > After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell > > her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. > > Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the > > time.> >> >> > The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position > > and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. > > I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign- > > in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the > > guts to see it.> >> >> > When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came > > back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed > > detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), > > the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was > > not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was > > powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The > > dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.> >> >> > My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never > > rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That > > they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so- > > surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with > > that. Now. In this moment.> >> >> > This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with > > the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT > > tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something > > emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took > > me days to come> >> > to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see > > that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part > > of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.> >> >> > Helena> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

[Guest guest]

I think the issue about without defense is that I'm afraid I'll be overwhelmed and disabled by my emotions. I'm afraid that if I accept my emotions as they are, I'll be a dysfunctional zombie. Of course, I already feel like one but in the world, I'm doing OK at keeping going what I need to keep going. Do others struggle with that? It's just so exhausting when every decision seems to be a major one and every effort feels like a mountain.Our new puppy is begging for my attention and all I feel is obligation. If a puppy can't bring up feelings of love in me, what the heck is wrong with me?Bruce Hi Bruce,Let me respond to the following passage:"Right now, I'm sitting in our living room while my daughter watches TV and I type away on this email. And that will be another afternoon in the books. I tell myself I can accept that. I tell myself that I accept that, that there's nothing else to do so why not be OK with it. I'm just so baffled by this idea of acceptance. I feel like I'm accepting but I don't feel any different."Before I explain what acceptance is and isn't, you might want to defuse your judgments, especially your implicit judgments. Instead of having your evaluations deceive you by seeming to be more than they are, look at them for what they truly are: thoughts. For example, if you have any judgments about that recommendation, thank your word machine for that evaluation. C. wrote the following in chapter 7 of GOYMIYL: "The kinds of thought that tend to be most entangling when they are in the wrong context are evaluations and self-conceptualizations." Does this seem to capture what's been going on for you Bruce?Now that we got that out of the way, let us head toward Acceptance. Acceptance is not resignation over the conditions of your life;it isn't wanting or liking something;it isn't agreeing with a thought;it isn't an evaluation;it isn't a technique to make you feel happier or calmer.If you want to know what it is, then you might first have to practice defusion, the observing self, and contact with the present moment before you practice acceptance. That's because those core processes makes acceptance so much easier. Still if you want to know what acceptance is, then it is simply:Feeling more.It is feeling your feelings, thinking your thoughts, sensing your sensations without defense. C.> >> >> >> > I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl > > whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few > > years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. > > When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I > > had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a > > teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to > > my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were > > blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The > > pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and > > bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.> >> >> > After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell > > her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. > > Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the > > time.> >> >> > The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position > > and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. > > I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign- > > in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the > > guts to see it.> >> >> > When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came > > back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed > > detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), > > the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was > > not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was > > powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The > > dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.> >> >> > My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never > > rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That > > they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so- > > surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with > > that. Now. In this moment.> >> >> > This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with > > the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT > > tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something > > emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took > > me days to come> >> > to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see > > that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part > > of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.> >> >> > Helena> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

[Guest guest]

Hi Bruce, I offer a post building on what and Helena have already said.I didn't feel like petting my puppy today - I'm in a grumpy mood.The full-stop at the end of that sentence is at the very heart of acceptance. Up to that point, we've just noticed what is going on. Add a "but" or "however" or "if" ........ you are ringing the bell for the start of a fight. When your mind adds those words, you know it is time to defuse because you are adding significance to something. What called your "implicit

judgements". There's really no need.Someone who isn't accepting looks (sub-consciously) for a bar-room brawl with the trivial, to turn it into something significant. Can you notice where you are doing that? Can you see it littering your posts, as Helena and I have seen? What was the reality? * I don't feel like petting my puppy - I'm in a grumpy mood. Full stop.* I didn't enjoy my game of basketball as much as I had hoped. Full stop.* Blimey, my job is boring today. Full stop.Importantly, none of these statements are indicative of someone is a particularly dark place. In fact, you are in an incredibly ordinary place with millions upon millions of people. If you don't find acceptance coming easily (join the club: I'm the President and Treasurer!) then work on defusion, and keep on acting towards

your values. You'll just have to wait for the acceptance, but hopefully wait in a slightly more comfortable place.All the very best, xTo: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sunday, 13 November 2011, 19:10Subject: Re: Re: Nightmares

I think the issue about without defense is that I'm afraid I'll be overwhelmed and disabled by my emotions. I'm afraid that if I accept my emotions as they are, I'll be a dysfunctional zombie. Of course, I already feel like one but in the world, I'm doing OK at keeping going what I need to keep going. Do others struggle with that? It's just so exhausting when every decision seems to be a major one and every effort feels like a mountain.Our new puppy is begging for my attention and all I feel is obligation. If a puppy can't bring up feelings of love in me, what the heck is wrong with me?Bruce Hi

Bruce,Let me respond to the following passage:"Right now, I'm sitting in our living room while my daughter watches TV and I type away on this email. And that will be another afternoon in the books. I tell myself I can accept that. I tell myself that I accept that, that there's nothing else to do so why not be OK with it. I'm just so baffled by this idea of acceptance. I feel like I'm accepting but I don't feel any different."Before I explain what acceptance is and isn't, you might want to defuse your judgments, especially your implicit judgments. Instead of having your evaluations deceive you by seeming to be more than they are, look at them for what they truly are: thoughts. For example, if you have any judgments about that recommendation, thank your word machine for that evaluation. C. wrote the following in chapter 7 of GOYMIYL: "The kinds of thought that tend to be most entangling when

they are in the wrong context are evaluations and self-conceptualizations." Does this seem to capture what's been going on for you Bruce?Now that we got that out of the way, let us head toward Acceptance. Acceptance is not resignation over the conditions of your life;it isn't wanting or liking something;it isn't agreeing with a thought;it isn't an evaluation;it isn't a technique to make you feel happier or calmer.If you want to know what it is, then you might first have to practice defusion, the observing self, and contact with the present moment before you practice acceptance. That's because those core processes makes acceptance so much easier. Still if you want to know what acceptance is, then it is simply:Feeling more.It is feeling your feelings, thinking your thoughts, sensing your sensations without defense. C.> >> >> >> > I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl > > whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few > > years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. > > When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I > > had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a > > teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to > > my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were > > blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The > > pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and > > bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was

unbearable.> >> >> > After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell > > her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. > > Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the > > time.> >> >> > The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position > > and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. > > I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign- > > in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the > > guts to see it.> >> >> > When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came > > back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed > > detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), > > the

experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was > > not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was > > powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The > > dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.> >> >> > My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never > > rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That > > they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so- > > surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with > > that. Now. In this moment.> >> >> > This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with > > the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT > > tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something > > emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took > > me days to come> >> > to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see > > that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part > > of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.> >> >> > Helena> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>