Re: Nightmares

[Guest guest]

Thank you . I appreciate this very much. You have nailed what I'm doing. I am looking for a fight with reality and I don't understand why. I'm going out after it when I don't have to. Yet I'm compelled to do so.You are right that my real-life situation is not particularly dark. In fact it's not dark at all. The frustrations and problems I struggle with are shared by millions. I fully recognize that. That's a big source of frustration for me, knowing that others feel what I feel but just not all the time. I know that solving whatever problem I'm depressed over won't make me any less depressed. There will just be a new thing that comes in. I try not worrying about things, knowing that they're only temporary and that soon I won't be obsessing over this particular issue and it will be something else. I need to gain acceptance for whatever comes up, not any particular thing.This all seems too big and too small at the same time. It's a problem that dominates my life, so it's big in that sense. But letting go seems like such a small thing. Just to let go for the next 60 seconds. That doesn't seem like too much but it's so hard to do. Hi Bruce, I offer a post building on what and Helena have already said.I didn't feel like petting my puppy today - I'm in a grumpy mood.The full-stop at the end of that sentence is at the very heart of acceptance. Up to that point, we've just noticed what is going on. Add a "but" or "however" or "if" ........ you are ringing the bell for the start of a fight. When your mind adds those words, you know it is time to defuse because you are adding significance to something. What called your "implicit judgements". There's really no need.Someone who isn't accepting looks (sub-consciously) for a bar-room brawl with the trivial, to turn it into something significant. Can you notice where you are doing that? Can you see it littering your posts, as Helena and I have seen? What was the reality? * I don't feel like petting my puppy - I'm in a grumpy mood. Full stop.* I didn't enjoy my game of basketball as much as I had hoped. Full stop.* Blimey, my job is boring today. Full stop.Importantly, none of these statements are indicative of someone is a particularly dark place. In fact, you are in an incredibly ordinary place with millions upon millions of people. If you don't find acceptance coming easily (join the club: I'm the President and Treasurer!) then work on defusion, and keep on acting towards your values. You'll just have to wait for the acceptance, but hopefully wait in a slightly more comfortable place.All the very best, xTo: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sunday, 13 November 2011, 19:10Subject: Re: Re: Nightmares I think the issue about without defense is that I'm afraid I'll be overwhelmed and disabled by my emotions. I'm afraid that if I accept my emotions as they are, I'll be a dysfunctional zombie. Of course, I already feel like one but in the world, I'm doing OK at keeping going what I need to keep going. Do others struggle with that? It's just so exhausting when every decision seems to be a major one and every effort feels like a mountain.Our new puppy is begging for my attention and all I feel is obligation. If a puppy can't bring up feelings of love in me, what the heck is wrong with me?Bruce Hi Bruce,Let me respond to the following passage:"Right now, I'm sitting in our living room while my daughter watches TV and I type away on this email. And that will be another afternoon in the books. I tell myself I can accept that. I tell myself that I accept that, that there's nothing else to do so why not be OK with it. I'm just so baffled by this idea of acceptance. I feel like I'm accepting but I don't feel any different."Before I explain what acceptance is and isn't, you might want to defuse your judgments, especially your implicit judgments. Instead of having your evaluations deceive you by seeming to be more than they are, look at them for what they truly are: thoughts. For example, if you have any judgments about that recommendation, thank your word machine for that evaluation. C. wrote the following in chapter 7 of GOYMIYL: "The kinds of thought that tend to be most entangling when they are in the wrong context are evaluations and self-conceptualizations." Does this seem to capture what's been going on for you Bruce?Now that we got that out of the way, let us head toward Acceptance. Acceptance is not resignation over the conditions of your life;it isn't wanting or liking something;it isn't agreeing with a thought;it isn't an evaluation;it isn't a technique to make you feel happier or calmer.If you want to know what it is, then you might first have to practice defusion, the observing self, and contact with the present moment before you practice acceptance. That's because those core processes makes acceptance so much easier. Still if you want to know what acceptance is, then it is simply:Feeling more.It is feeling your feelings, thinking your thoughts, sensing your sensations without defense. C.> >> >> >> > I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl > > whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few > > years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. > > When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I > > had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a > > teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to > > my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were > > blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The > > pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and > > bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.> >> >> > After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell > > her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. > > Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the > > time.> >> >> > The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position > > and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. > > I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign- > > in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the > > guts to see it.> >> >> > When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came > > back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed > > detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), > > the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was > > not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was > > powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The > > dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.> >> >> > My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never > > rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That > > they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so- > > surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with > > that. Now. In this moment.> >> >> > This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with > > the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT > > tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something > > emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took > > me days to come> >> > to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see > > that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part > > of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.> >> >> > Helena> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

[Guest guest]

"I am looking for a fight with reality and I don't understand why. I'm going out after it when I don't have to. Yet I'm compelled to do so."

Compelled? Says who?

I hope you thanked your mind for spouting out such nonsense (to paraphrase what Maarten told me earlier today).

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, November 13, 2011 4:47:38 PMSubject: Re: Re: Nightmares

Thank you . I appreciate this very much. You have nailed what I'm doing. I am looking for a fight with reality and I don't understand why. I'm going out after it when I don't have to. Yet I'm compelled to do so.

You are right that my real-life situation is not particularly dark. In fact it's not dark at all. The frustrations and problems I struggle with are shared by millions. I fully recognize that. That's a big source of frustration for me, knowing that others feel what I feel but just not all the time. I know that solving whatever problem I'm depressed over won't make me any less depressed. There will just be a new thing that comes in. I try not worrying about things, knowing that they're only temporary and that soon I won't be obsessing over this particular issue and it will be something else. I need to gain acceptance for whatever comes up, not any particular thing.

This all seems too big and too small at the same time. It's a problem that dominates my life, so it's big in that sense. But letting go seems like such a small thing. Just to let go for the next 60 seconds. That doesn't seem like too much but it's so hard to do.

Hi Bruce, I offer a post building on what and Helena have already said.

I didn't feel like petting my puppy today - I'm in a grumpy mood.

The full-stop at the end of that sentence is at the very heart of acceptance. Up to that point, we've just noticed what is going on.

Add a "but" or "however" or "if" ........ you are ringing the bell for the start of a fight. When your mind adds those words, you know it is time to defuse because you are adding significance to something. What called your "implicit judgements". There's really no need.

Someone who isn't accepting looks (sub-consciously) for a bar-room brawl with the trivial, to turn it into something significant. Can you notice where you are doing that? Can you see it littering your posts, as Helena and I have seen? What was the reality? * I don't feel like petting my puppy - I'm in a grumpy mood. Full stop.* I didn't enjoy my game of basketball as much as I had hoped. Full stop.* Blimey, my job is boring today. Full stop.Importantly, none of these statements are indicative of someone is a particularly dark place. In fact, you are in an incredibly ordinary place with millions upon millions of people. If you don't find acceptance coming easily (join the club: I'm the President and Treasurer!) then work on defusion, and keep on acting towards your values. You'll just have to wait for the acceptance, but hopefully wait in a slightly more comfortable place.All the very best, x

To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sunday, 13 November 2011, 19:10Subject: Re: Re: Nightmares

I think the issue about without defense is that I'm afraid I'll be overwhelmed and disabled by my emotions. I'm afraid that if I accept my emotions as they are, I'll be a dysfunctional zombie. Of course, I already feel like one but in the world, I'm doing OK at keeping going what I need to keep going. Do others struggle with that? It's just so exhausting when every decision seems to be a major one and every effort feels like a mountain.

Our new puppy is begging for my attention and all I feel is obligation. If a puppy can't bring up feelings of love in me, what the heck is wrong with me?

Bruce

Hi Bruce,Let me respond to the following passage:"Right now, I'm sitting in our living room while my daughter watches TV and I type away on this email. And that will be another afternoon in the books. I tell myself I can accept that. I tell myself that I accept that, that there's nothing else to do so why not be OK with it. I'm just so baffled by this idea of acceptance. I feel like I'm accepting but I don't feel any different."Before I explain what acceptance is and isn't, you might want to defuse your judgments, especially your implicit judgments. Instead of having your evaluations deceive you by seeming to be more than they are, look at them for what they truly are: thoughts. For example, if you have any judgments about that recommendation, thank your word machine for that evaluation. C. wrote the following in chapter 7 of GOYMIYL: "The kinds of thought that tend to be most entangling when they are in the wrong context are evaluations and self-conceptualizations." Does this seem to capture what's been going on for you Bruce?Now that we got that out of the way, let us head toward Acceptance.

Acceptance is not resignation over the conditions of your life;

it isn't wanting or liking something; it isn't agreeing with a thought; it isn't an evaluation; it isn't a technique to make you feel happier or calmer.If you want to know what it is, then you might first have to practice defusion, the observing self, and contact with the present moment before you practice acceptance. That's because those core processes makes acceptance so much easier. Still if you want to know what acceptance is, then it is simply:Feeling more.It is feeling your feelings, thinking your thoughts, sensing your sensations without defense. C.> >> >> >> > I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl > > whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few > > years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. > > When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I > > had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a > > teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to > > my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were > > blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The > > pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and > > bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.> >> >> > After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell > > her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. > > Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the > > time.> >> >> > The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position > > and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. > > I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign- > > in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the > > guts to see it.> >> >> > When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came > > back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed > > detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), > > the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was > > not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was > > powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The > > dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.> >> >> > My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never > > rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That > > they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so- > > surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with > > that. Now. In this moment.> >> >> > This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with > > the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT > > tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something > > emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took > > me days to come> >> > to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see > > that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part > > of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.> >> >> > Helena> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

[Guest guest]

Bruce - I will add that it helps me to make a very specific list of action items that I plan to accomplish each day. This helps me focus my attention on doing the things that matter each day. The action items must be specific and attainable things that I can do and check off of my list. So you have a value of taking care of yourself. Make a list of a few, say five for starters, that you can do tomorrow that will help you take care of yourself. Make sure they are attainable so you set yourself up for success. Make a bit of a ceremony of checking them off of your list. Do the same for the next day, gradually increasing the difficulty. Notice if this works to help you live a valued life. If so it's working. "WORKING means living a more valued life. It does not mean FEELING BETTER. That might happen as well once you "stop struggling and start living."Notice that we are suggesting different things to try and all are on the ACT hexaflex. No one process will work as well as all of them together.BillTo: ACT_for_the_Public From: onebnz@...Date: Sun, 13 Nov 2011 13:47:38 -0800Subject: Re: Re: Nightmares

Thank you . I appreciate this very much. You have nailed what I'm doing. I am looking for a fight with reality and I don't understand why. I'm going out after it when I don't have to. Yet I'm compelled to do so.You are right that my real-life situation is not particularly dark. In fact it's not dark at all. The frustrations and problems I struggle with are shared by millions. I fully recognize that. That's a big source of frustration for me, knowing that others feel what I feel but just not all the time. I know that solving whatever problem I'm depressed over won't make me any less depressed. There will just be a new thing that comes in. I try not worrying about things, knowing that they're only temporary and that soon I won't be obsessing over this particular issue and it will be something else. I need to gain acceptance for whatever comes up, not any particular thing.This all seems too big and too small at the same time. It's a problem that dominates my life, so it's big in that sense. But letting go seems like such a small thing. Just to let go for the next 60 seconds. That doesn't seem like too much but it's so hard to do. Hi Bruce, I offer a post building on what and Helena have already said.I didn't feel like petting my puppy today - I'm in a grumpy mood.The full-stop at the end of that sentence is at the very heart of acceptance. Up to that point, we've just noticed what is going on. Add a "but" or "however" or "if" ........ you are ringing the bell for the start of a fight. When your mind adds those words, you know it is time to defuse because you are adding significance to something. What called your "implicit judgements". There's really no need.Someone who isn't accepting looks (sub-consciously) for a bar-room brawl with the trivial, to turn it into something significant. Can you notice where you are doing that? Can you see it littering your posts, as Helena and I have seen? What was the reality? * I don't feel like petting my puppy - I'm in a grumpy mood. Full stop.* I didn't enjoy my game of basketball as much as I had hoped. Full stop.* Blimey, my job is boring today. Full stop.Importantly, none of these statements are indicative of someone is a particularly dark place. In fact, you are in an incredibly ordinary place with millions upon millions of people. If you don't find acceptance coming easily (join the club: I'm the President and Treasurer!) then work on defusion, and keep on acting towards your values. You'll just have to wait for the acceptance, but hopefully wait in a slightly more comfortable place.All the very best, xTo: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sunday, 13 November 2011, 19:10Subject: Re: Re: Nightmares I think the issue about without defense is that I'm afraid I'll be overwhelmed and disabled by my emotions. I'm afraid that if I accept my emotions as they are, I'll be a dysfunctional zombie. Of course, I already feel like one but in the world, I'm doing OK at keeping going what I need to keep going. Do others struggle with that? It's just so exhausting when every decision seems to be a major one and every effort feels like a mountain.Our new puppy is begging for my attention and all I feel is obligation. If a puppy can't bring up feelings of love in me, what the heck is wrong with me?Bruce Hi Bruce,Let me respond to the following passage:"Right now, I'm sitting in our living room while my daughter watches TV and I type away on this email. And that will be another afternoon in the books. I tell myself I can accept that. I tell myself that I accept that, that there's nothing else to do so why not be OK with it. I'm just so baffled by this idea of acceptance. I feel like I'm accepting but I don't feel any different."Before I explain what acceptance is and isn't, you might want to defuse your judgments, especially your implicit judgments. Instead of having your evaluations deceive you by seeming to be more than they are, look at them for what they truly are: thoughts. For example, if you have any judgments about that recommendation, thank your word machine for that evaluation. C. wrote the following in chapter 7 of GOYMIYL: "The kinds of thought that tend to be most entangling when they are in the wrong context are evaluations and self-conceptualizations." Does this seem to capture what's been going on for you Bruce?Now that we got that out of the way, let us head toward Acceptance. Acceptance is not resignation over the conditions of your life;it isn't wanting or liking something;it isn't agreeing with a thought;it isn't an evaluation;it isn't a technique to make you feel happier or calmer.If you want to know what it is, then you might first have to practice defusion, the observing self, and contact with the present moment before you practice acceptance. That's because those core processes makes acceptance so much easier. Still if you want to know what acceptance is, then it is simply:Feeling more.It is feeling your feelings, thinking your thoughts, sensing your sensations without defense. C.> >> >> >> > I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl > > whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few > > years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. > > When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I > > had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a > > teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to > > my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were > > blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The > > pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and > > bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.> >> >> > After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell > > her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. > > Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the > > time.> >> >> > The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position > > and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. > > I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign- > > in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the > > guts to see it.> >> >> > When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came > > back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed > > detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), > > the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was > > not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was > > powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The > > dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.> >> >> > My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never > > rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That > > they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so- > > surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with > > that. Now. In this moment.> >> >> > This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with > > the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT > > tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something > > emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took > > me days to come> >> > to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see > > that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part > > of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.> >> >> > Helena> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

[Guest guest]

Bruce - 1. Helpful thoughts help you live a valued life. Unhelpful thoughts are those thoughts that get in the way of living a valued life. That is the acid test. Use it to decide when to defuse.2. Dread is a sign of struggle. Will you try being curious about what tomorrow brings rather than dreading it? Watch your thinking self with curiosity as a child might watch a bug that she has never seen before, or as a scientist watching something for the first time. Your mind is doing the dreading. It can just as easily be curious if you decide to take that approach. I understand that Steve Jobs looked at his illness as a way to experience something new. And his last words were - "oh wow, oh wow!"Bill To: ACT_for_the_Public From: onebnz@...Date: Sun, 13 Nov 2011 17:01:21 -0800Subject: Re: Re: Nightmares

No you're not banging on, I don't feel picked on at all. I'm very grateful for all the help, advice, and insight I've received.I am certainly aware that I'm hooked by an unhelpful thought. I can even unhook from the thoughts sometimes. But I never get away from the feeling. I guess where I struggle is fully believing that the thoughts aren't valid. I somehow believe that they are useful and important. I talk and talk at myself to feel otherwise but somehow I believe there's wisdom there that needs to be paid attention to. It's like the depths of my soul is telling me that I'm inadequate and doing the wrong thing or not doing the right thing. And somehow if I pay attention, things will be better. But of course they're not. I know this is a losing game that takes over my life but it's where I seem to find myself.I'm not having a great day today and all the expressions of help and support really mean a lot to me. I've tried to do a few good things and stop beating myself up. I take comfort in the fact that today will soon be over. But I dread waking up tomorrow and doing it all again. Thank you to everyone who wrote that there is hope and a way to get better. It means so much to me.Bruce Hi Bruce, Yes, I feel that too. I feel frustrated that I don't seem to cope as well as other people. (FULL-STOP!!!!!)I just wondered if going back to some defusion practice would be useful for you, Bruce. It is so easy to overlook the first step: are you even aware that you've been hooked by an unhelpful thought? Remember, an unhelpful thought is any inner dialogue that serves no useful purpose. It might be true (usually they are half- or quarter-truths), but that doesn't make it useful. Can you spot them?Sorry if I am banging on - stop me if you feel like you are being "got at"!Cheerio, xPS - many of those millions will also be struggling with stress or depression - they are such hidden illnesses. No one who knows me, other than my wife, has any idea (I don't think!)To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sunday, 13 November 2011, 21:47Subject: Re: Re: Nightmares Thank you . I appreciate this very much. You have nailed what I'm doing. I am looking for a fight with reality and I don't understand why. I'm going out after it when I don't have to. Yet I'm compelled to do so.You are right that my real-life situation is not particularly dark. In fact it's not dark at all. The frustrations and problems I struggle with are shared by millions. I fully recognize that. That's a big source of frustration for me, knowing that others feel what I feel but just not all the time. I know that solving whatever problem I'm depressed over won't make me any less depressed. There will just be a new thing that comes in. I try not worrying about things, knowing that they're only temporary and that soon I won't be obsessing over this particular issue and it will be something else. I need to gain acceptance for whatever comes up, not any particular thing.This all seems too big and too small at the same time. It's a problem that dominates my life, so it's big in that sense. But letting go seems like such a small thing. Just to let go for the next 60 seconds. That doesn't seem like too much but it's so hard to do. Hi Bruce, I offer a post building on what and Helena have already said.I didn't feel like petting my puppy today - I'm in a grumpy mood.The full-stop at the end of that sentence is at the very heart of acceptance. Up to that point, we've just noticed what is going on. Add a "but" or "however" or "if" ........ you are ringing the bell for the start of a fight. When your mind adds those words, you know it is time to defuse because you are adding significance to something. What called your "implicit judgements". There's really no need.Someone who isn't accepting looks (sub-consciously) for a bar-room brawl with the trivial, to turn it into something significant. Can you notice where you are doing that? Can you see it littering your posts, as Helena and I have seen? What was the reality? * I don't feel like petting my puppy - I'm in a grumpy mood. Full stop.* I didn't enjoy my game of basketball as much as I had hoped. Full stop.* Blimey, my job is boring today. Full stop.Importantly, none of these statements are indicative of someone is a particularly dark place. In fact, you are in an incredibly ordinary place with millions upon millions of people. If you don't find acceptance coming easily (join the club: I'm the President and Treasurer!) then work on defusion, and keep on acting towards your values. You'll just have to wait for the acceptance, but hopefully wait in a slightly more comfortable place.All the very best, xTo: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sunday, 13 November 2011, 19:10Subject: Re: Re: Nightmares I think the issue about without defense is that I'm afraid I'll be overwhelmed and disabled by my emotions. I'm afraid that if I accept my emotions as they are, I'll be a dysfunctional zombie. Of course, I already feel like one but in the world, I'm doing OK at keeping going what I need to keep going. Do others struggle with that? It's just so exhausting when every decision seems to be a major one and every effort feels like a mountain.Our new puppy is begging for my attention and all I feel is obligation. If a puppy can't bring up feelings of love in me, what the heck is wrong with me?Bruce Hi Bruce,Let me respond to the following passage:"Right now, I'm sitting in our living room while my daughter watches TV and I type away on this email. And that will be another afternoon in the books. I tell myself I can accept that. I tell myself that I accept that, that there's nothing else to do so why not be OK with it. I'm just so baffled by this idea of acceptance. I feel like I'm accepting but I don't feel any different."Before I explain what acceptance is and isn't, you might want to defuse your judgments, especially your implicit judgments. Instead of having your evaluations deceive you by seeming to be more than they are, look at them for what they truly are: thoughts. For example, if you have any judgments about that recommendation, thank your word machine for that evaluation. C. wrote the following in chapter 7 of GOYMIYL: "The kinds of thought that tend to be most entangling when they are in the wrong context are evaluations and self-conceptualizations." Does this seem to capture what's been going on for you Bruce?Now that we got that out of the way, let us head toward Acceptance. Acceptance is not resignation over the conditions of your life;it isn't wanting or liking something;it isn't agreeing with a thought;it isn't an evaluation;it isn't a technique to make you feel happier or calmer.If you want to know what it is, then you might first have to practice defusion, the observing self, and contact with the present moment before you practice acceptance. That's because those core processes makes acceptance so much easier. Still if you want to know what acceptance is, then it is simply:Feeling more.It is feeling your feelings, thinking your thoughts, sensing your sensations without defense. C.> >> >> >> > I was watching Dr Phil the other day when he featured that girl > > whose dad (who was a judge) beat her with a leather strap up a few > > years ago, and she taped it and recently posted the video on Yahoo. > > When I saw the video, it reminded me very much of the experience I > > had of the leather-strap beatings from my foster dad. When I was a > > teenager - same age as her - he pulled up my dress to get closer to > > my skin with the strap, and I was having my period and there were > > blood stains on my panties, and that embarrassed me so much. The > > pain of the leather strap was horrible, and it left welts and > > bruises and blood, but the embarrassment was unbearable.> >> >> > After one such incident, my foster mother made me promise to tell > > her when I had my period so she could keep him away from me then. > > Keep me away from him THEN? No, she couldn't do it the rest of the > > time.> >> >> > The video was so similar that I cradled myself in the fetal position > > and rocked when I first saw it - and this is nearly 50 years later. > > I tried to post a link to it here, but it requires an "adult" sign- > > in, so you can look it up for yourself on U-tube if you have the > > guts to see it.> >> >> > When I was watching it, I was kinda OK. Sure, the memories came > > back, but they didn't seem harmful or even awful. I seemed > > detached. But that night (and this was just a couple nights ago), > > the experience came back in nightmare form. In my nightmare, I was > > not the one abused but I was the one watching the abuse and I was > > powerless to help that child. I was powerless to help myself. The > > dream seemed to last for hours. Finally, I woke up gasping for air.> >> >> > My question is - or my observation is - that perhaps we can never > > rid ourselves of memories that reside in our subconscious. That > > they may rear their ugly heads at the most surprising or not-so- > > surprising times. That maybe that's OK; maybe we can deal with > > that. Now. In this moment.> >> >> > This time, the morning after the nightmare, I was able to cope with > > the indelible memory that accosted me in my dreams by using ACT > > tools. First of all, I realized that my dream was something > > emanating from my mind, that it was not real. In the past, it took > > me days to come> >> > to that realization (after a nightmare). Next, I was able to see > > that I am no longer an abused person. Although that child is a part > > of who shaped me, I am no longer helpless. I can move forward.> >> >> > Helena> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>