Advice for my new friend?

[Guest guest]

A new friend is asking for my help, but I don't know what to say. If she

contacted you, how would you respond in a way that would be helpful to her?

New Friend: She's not interested in going to therapy. She says she suffered

emotional and physical abuse as a child. While she did well in school as a

child, her efforts weren't appreciated, only punished when she did poorly. Her

father was emotionally absent. She describes herself as depressed, narcissist,

and lacking the ability to empathize. As a result she says she has no friends

and family are just " shadows. " She wants more from life, to be able to feel, to

empathize, to connect. But, when she tries to open up, she says it drives people

away. She's embarrassed to say that at times she becomes a manipulative liar

who's looking for ego boosts when she can get them.

[Guest guest]

I would say a good first step would be to accept where she is and start from there, taking actions that would be away from where she doesn't want to be. Where I would start would be with the narcissistic tendencies. If she doesn't like being so self-centered, could she try being concerned for others in any small way? Just acting as if she cared about others might make a small difference. Same thing with empathy. Trying to imagine how another person feels would be a start. The ability to actually feel empathy is another thing and to place too much emphasis on feeling the authentic feeling is a lot to ask. Hopefully in time, that will come. I struggle with this myself, that if I don't feel the way I want to feel, I'm failing. But if you want to be empathetic, the thing to do is try to empathize. At least she will appear empathetic and that may boost her self-esteem a little bit. I don't have any advice for feeling depressed. If I knew what would work, I'd do it myself. The manipulative lying might be the easiest part. That's a bad habit but you can make the commitment to yourself that you won't lie. At the very least, that you won't tell outright falsehoods. And if you do, you'll forgive yourself and promise to do better next time.That's my $.02. I understand not wanting to go to therapy but it sounds like her childhood stuff might be tough to unravel. It might be worth a try. Having said that, I've spent a lot of time, effort and money on understanding my issues and it hasn't helped much in terms of achieving lasting happiness. She might really benefit from reading ACT books like Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by and The Happiness Trap by Russ . Those two books would be a great place to start understanding and working with her problems, in my opinion. A new friend is asking for my help, but I don't know what to say. If she contacted you, how would you respond in a way that would be helpful to her? New Friend: She's not interested in going to therapy. She says she suffered emotional and physical abuse as a child. While she did well in school as a child, her efforts weren't appreciated, only punished when she did poorly. Her father was emotionally absent. She describes herself as depressed, narcissist, and lacking the ability to empathize. As a result she says she has no friends and family are just "shadows." She wants more from life, to be able to feel, to empathize, to connect. But, when she tries to open up, she says it drives people away. She's embarrassed to say that at times she becomes a manipulative liar who's looking for ego boosts when she can get them.