Re: A question about emotions, values and night-time...

[Guest guest]

Hi Steve,I can't say thank you enough for this overt singling out the value of self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-kindness in your recent posts. I've been treating this way too cavalierly. Wow..I am putting this front and center and noticing all kinds of stuff. Mainly how my mind really is NOT my friend. In ways very insidious...wow.I am noticing my whole life has been about looking again and again to explain to others so that:I will be understoodI will be acceptedI will be knownI will be

safeAnd naturally, it's never enough. I spend all this time rehearsing, reviewing..It's tragic, the hours I've spent on this. Just to get a moment or two of relief from others. The big truth is I already know what to do. I've known all along what works for me. For the most part. And I've known when to ask for guidance. And I only needed to honor that. Stay present with that. Too simple I suppose. Too simple for a mind like mine that decided somewhere along the way it needed continuous kudos and verification from others. And that any sign indicating otherwise = danger.Mostly for me now this looks like just shutting up my mind and doing what I know what works. Staying focused on my values in the present moment. Breathing. Laughing. Accepting. Holding lightly. I have to listen really, really closely. It's a tiny voice that feels afraid, lonely, uncertain. Welcome to the human race, huh?For god's sake. It's about time, I'd say! Time to get out of my own way..now and now again!It's about time. To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Friday, September 2, 2011 5:17 AMSubject: Re: A question about emotions, values and night-time...

The value underneath doing your values is to care for and stand with yourself; to be yourself;to grow and change and carry your life forward in the direction you choose.If YOU don't matter, why do values work at all?

Acceptance is not about learning how to push through emotions;it is about learning how to open up to, get with, and carry emotions as they are.It is an act of self-kindness; self-wholeness; self-compassion; self-validation.

Acceptance itself is a values-based activityOK, so it is evening and the emotions of the day are washing over you.Your stomach is tightening. There is a sense you have to DO something.You mind is telling you if you don't you won't go to sleep and if you don't go to

sleep 100 other things will happen. Fusing with that pumps up the anxiety more.Wait, what is the value?You have to choose that but look and see if being kind to yourselfisn't on that list. If it is, take some time to let anxiety echo -- and see what is

there you can learn from. Sometime in the business of the daythere are issues that come up and connections that are made thatdeserve attention but you did not have time to listen. So spend a little time listening. It would be like listening to a frightened child.

Don't patronize her -- listen. Gently. When you heard her out (if she wants to go on and on foreverdo as you would a real child -- "that is enough for now. We will get back to this tomorrow" hug)

look at what other acts of self-care there is to do.Put away the mess; make your list for the morning;take that hot bath; turn on that music;chat with a friend on the phone; watch that show you like.Not to "calm down" or to get anxiety to go away, but because

you matter and this is lifeWhen the chatter comes about sleep, practice defusion skills.Let your mind know you will get back to the big worry (blah blah) later.Practice moving your attention -- your body knows how to sleep; your mind does not.

Keep the faith that you know how and get our of your way by learning torespectfully decline your minds invitation to struggleWhy?Because learning to be with yourself is the foundation of it all

- S C. Foundation ProfessorDepartment of Psychology /298University of NevadaReno, NV 89557-0062"Love isn't everything, it's the only thing"hayes@... or stevenchayes@...

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Hi --

I have a question -- I think it may sound simplistic, but I can't think of how to deal with this. I feel fairly grounded in my values and have seen how I can move toward them regardless of my emotions (not always easy, but I see the value in it and am doing it more and more). The time when this becomes difficult is in the evening when I'm tired and winding down. This is a time when I can end up feeling the feelings that I was perhaps too busy to feel during the day (mostly anxiety.) However, when this happens at night -- how do I move toward my values? Or do I not focus on this part of ACT at night? During the day, if I'm feeling anxious I usually will take an action like doing something I'm afraid of or have been putting off. Or taking care of my body by exercising, or connecting with someone...etc. At night, all I want is to feel comfortable enough to go to sleep and this is challenging when I'm feeling anxious and on edge.

Please let me know if you need me to clarify -- I'm not sure if this is so clear.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Best,

Barbara