Re: Confusssed

[Guest guest]

Hi Kale,Awhile back, I was surprised to learn that so many folks could not list their own values, at least until I tried it. I have heard the statement so many times since, however, that it would be shocked if somebody could come up with five on the first try! It seems like a good and sensible place to begin, though.

I have a question if you feel like answering: Do you think you could behave in a social manner when in a social setting despite your thoughts? Sort of like acting? I admit to a personal motive for this one in that I feel like I could, but some folks have told me they feel otherwise and I am trying to broaden my perspective a bit on this one. Thanks in advance for reading even if you would rather pass on it!

D>  >> I need to start from the beginning because I don't know how to ask what I want to ask. I'm 23 and a student in a small community college (~4500 students). This girl recently sparked a mental breakdown in the works for what seems like a lifetime. Now first off, I'm very shy. I never approach strangers unless I'm asking them for the time or directions or something like that. I never initiated a friendship. Talking to people is kind of uncomfortable, because I noticed I have an irrational fear of saying the wrong thing and I start to feel anxious and clam up, then I start to worry about how to keep the conversation going or how I can end it without making them feel weird, then I start to think that they must think I'm weird... that story. So, she started talking to me in class when we got put into a discussion group. I sensed she was interested in me, but I thought to myself that I'm crazy to think that. We started kind of flirting with each other through texts, but every text I sent would be a while before I actually responded because I had to calculate every single word. Then when we started hanging out outside of class, that where I started to loose it. She is super cute, really smart, and really comfortable with herself and that really attracted me to her, but I never told her that. When I was around her, I was at a constant loss of words. Every time I was around her, it was like I was stuck in a mine field. Constantly watching my every action. And in the back of my head, I thought " just be yourself. " That's when I realized I didn't know who I was and it dawned on me that that's why I've never been intimate with anyone before. After we hung out, I would play the entire episode back in my head, imagining the " i should of did this... " " if i said that instead of... " all that bullshit. After a while, she became less flirty and she stopped responding as frequently like she used to. I still tried to keep it up, but sensed she wasn't into it anymore. Then like a loon, I called her one night after she didn't respond to my texts the entire day. I was distressed and probably came off crazy but I felt I needed to confess that I had a crush on her. She gave me the cliche that she had just gotten out of a long relationship. Instinctively, I told her I knew she didn't like me and started to go into how I've never been intimate with anyone ever and a bunch of shit I can't recall. She suggested I see a therapist, which I ended up doing, but I became extremely depressed after that night. I couldn't concentrate at all in school. I tried to go back to the class we had together, but ended up not going because it was too hard to concentrate, it felt like a waste of time, so I just took the F.

>> I started to see a therapist, but even with him it was hard talking with him because I have a hard time getting my point across in my head, translating my thoughts into comprehensive sentences is a feat in itself. And one thing he insisted on me doing was start to take anti-depressants. But I told him I didn't want to because it wasn't natural and I'm all about natural alternatives. So he suggested I practice defusion and introduced ACT to me. I read the happiness trap and started to practice the different techniques. I notices that it does help dealing with my troublesome thoughts, memories, etc. But I feel like its becoming another one of my defense mechanisms. I have no problem using it when I'm alone, but when I'm around others, no matter who, my family, friends, strangers, I'll always go to my safety zone aka my head. When I realize what I'm doing, I question my values and that's where I get stuck. I don't know what I value. I have ideas of things I should value, like my health, but I think my motives are out of fear. I don't even know what I'm trying to ask anymore...

>> I'm a loner. A closet case. I'm aware that I am a loner, that I have a fear of rejection, that I repress most all of my emotions and have been for quite some time, I never felt loved, and a plethora of other shit. I don't know how to fix them or how to reverse them. I want feel a connection with others because I've never felt that before. I'm very disconnect with myself and my emotions and don't think I can connect with others. How do you connect to others?

>> -- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.com

DarrellGKing@...

[Guest guest]

I think it is difficult to list values that are uniquely mine and animate my life. I can think of generic values that would make me a "good person". Of course, I would want these, to be a good friend, spouse, partner, employee etc. But to identify values that that truly add meaning to life is a lot harder. I was just with a friend who seems to have many animating interests and I was so envious. I wonder what his values are that allow him to express himself in this way. My interests are mostly things that I used to be interested in before my depression got so bad. I still think of them as part of my self and my identity. But they no longer provide a path to move forward.But these values at least provide a measurement tool to see if I am on any kind of a positive path. I continually pray and ask for insight into my values and direction for my actions. It doesn't seem to be a one-time thing for me. The list of values I have now is obviously not sufficient for where I want to be.Hi Kale,Awhile back, I was surprised to learn that so many folks could not list their own values, at least until I tried it. I have heard the statement so many times since, however, that it would be shocked if somebody could come up with five on the first try! It seems like a good and sensible place to begin, though.I have a question if you feel like answering: Do you think you could behave in a social manner when in a social setting despite your thoughts? Sort of like acting? I admit to a personal motive for this one in that I feel like I could, but some folks have told me they feel otherwise and I am trying to broaden my perspective a bit on this one. Thanks in advance for reading even if you would rather pass on it!D> >> I need to start from the beginning because I don't know how to ask what I want to ask. I'm 23 and a student in a small community college (~4500 students). This girl recently sparked a mental breakdown in the works for what seems like a lifetime. Now first off, I'm very shy. I never approach strangers unless I'm asking them for the time or directions or something like that. I never initiated a friendship. Talking to people is kind of uncomfortable, because I noticed I have an irrational fear of saying the wrong thing and I start to feel anxious and clam up, then I start to worry about how to keep the conversation going or how I can end it without making them feel weird, then I start to think that they must think I'm weird... that story. So, she started talking to me in class when we got put into a discussion group. I sensed she was interested in me, but I thought to myself that I'm crazy to think that. We started kind of flirting with each other through texts, but every text I sent would be a while before I actually responded because I had to calculate every single word. Then when we started hanging out outside of class, that where I started to loose it. She is super cute, really smart, and really comfortable with herself and that really attracted me to her, but I never told her that. When I was around her, I was at a constant loss of words. Every time I was around her, it was like I was stuck in a mine field. Constantly watching my every action. And in the back of my head, I thought "just be yourself." That's when I realized I didn't know who I was and it dawned on me that that's why I've never been intimate with anyone before. After we hung out, I would play the entire episode back in my head, imagining the "i should of did this..." "if i said that instead of..." all that bullshit. After a while, she became less flirty and she stopped responding as frequently like she used to. I still tried to keep it up, but sensed she wasn't into it anymore. Then like a loon, I called her one night after she didn't respond to my texts the entire day. I was distressed and probably came off crazy but I felt I needed to confess that I had a crush on her. She gave me the cliche that she had just gotten out of a long relationship. Instinctively, I told her I knew she didn't like me and started to go into how I've never been intimate with anyone ever and a bunch of shit I can't recall. She suggested I see a therapist, which I ended up doing, but I became extremely depressed after that night. I couldn't concentrate at all in school. I tried to go back to the class we had together, but ended up not going because it was too hard to concentrate, it felt like a waste of time, so I just took the F.>> I started to see a therapist, but even with him it was hard talking with him because I have a hard time getting my point across in my head, translating my thoughts into comprehensive sentences is a feat in itself. And one thing he insisted on me doing was start to take anti-depressants. But I told him I didn't want to because it wasn't natural and I'm all about natural alternatives. So he suggested I practice defusion and introduced ACT to me. I read the happiness trap and started to practice the different techniques. I notices that it does help dealing with my troublesome thoughts, memories, etc. But I feel like its becoming another one of my defense mechanisms. I have no problem using it when I'm alone, but when I'm around others, no matter who, my family, friends, strangers, I'll always go to my safety zone aka my head. When I realize what I'm doing, I question my values and that's where I get stuck. I don't know what I value. I have ideas of things I should value, like my health, but I think my motives are out of fear. I don't even know what I'm trying to ask anymore...>> I'm a loner. A closet case. I'm aware that I am a loner, that I have a fear of rejection, that I repress most all of my emotions and have been for quite some time, I never felt loved, and a plethora of other shit. I don't know how to fix them or how to reverse them. I want feel a connection with others because I've never felt that before. I'm very disconnect with myself and my emotions and don't think I can connect with others. How do you connect to others?>> -- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@...

[Guest guest]

I act completely different in everyday social settings as opposed to when I'm in

the comfort of my " safety zones " , which to me is being alone or in a controlled

environment. Acting in a social manner would be hard because the thing about

acting is I don't know how/what to act like. And when in social situations, I go

numb and distract myself with little things going on around me and/or hum the

first song that comes to my head and I tend to just hold everything in unless I

know it's absolutely safe to proceed with my comments, thoughts, etc. My

thoughts are never really clear because I'm so distracted so I'll automatically

go to my list of cliches or the most literal interpretation of the subject at

hand. In a way, it's cause me to see both sides of things so it's hard for me

to side with people , I think I do it out of fear of being judged... I sometimes

remind myself to not care what other people think, but not actually feel that

way so I never act accordingly.

In son's stages of development, our first crisis is trust vs mistrust. This

particular crisis is something I feel I need to pass. But how the fuck am I

suppose to reverse 23 years of mistrust. Mistrust is used extremely vaguely but

it kind of sums of my personality. I make myself seem like I'm alright, at

peace, content, but on the inside, I'm eating myself up and stopping myself from

living life.

> >

> >

> > I need to start from the beginning because I don't know how to ask what I

> want to ask. I'm 23 and a student in a small community college (~4500

> students). This girl recently sparked a mental breakdown in the works for

> what seems like a lifetime. Now first off, I'm very shy. I never approach

> strangers unless I'm asking them for the time or directions or something

> like that. I never initiated a friendship. Talking to people is kind of

> uncomfortable, because I noticed I have an irrational fear of saying the

> wrong thing and I start to feel anxious and clam up, then I start to worry

> about how to keep the conversation going or how I can end it without making

> them feel weird, then I start to think that they must think I'm weird...

> that story. So, she started talking to me in class when we got put into a

> discussion group. I sensed she was interested in me, but I thought to myself

> that I'm crazy to think that. We started kind of flirting with each other

> through texts, but every text I sent would be a while before I actually

> responded because I had to calculate every single word. Then when we started

> hanging out outside of class, that where I started to loose it. She is super

> cute, really smart, and really comfortable with herself and that really

> attracted me to her, but I never told her that. When I was around her, I was

> at a constant loss of words. Every time I was around her, it was like I was

> stuck in a mine field. Constantly watching my every action. And in the back

> of my head, I thought " just be yourself. " That's when I realized I didn't

> know who I was and it dawned on me that that's why I've never been intimate

> with anyone before. After we hung out, I would play the entire episode back

> in my head, imagining the " i should of did this... " " if i said that instead

> of... " all that bullshit. After a while, she became less flirty and she

> stopped responding as frequently like she used to. I still tried to keep it

> up, but sensed she wasn't into it anymore. Then like a loon, I called her

> one night after she didn't respond to my texts the entire day. I was

> distressed and probably came off crazy but I felt I needed to confess that I

> had a crush on her. She gave me the cliche that she had just gotten out of a

> long relationship. Instinctively, I told her I knew she didn't like me and

> started to go into how I've never been intimate with anyone ever and a bunch

> of shit I can't recall. She suggested I see a therapist, which I ended up

> doing, but I became extremely depressed after that night. I couldn't

> concentrate at all in school. I tried to go back to the class we had

> together, but ended up not going because it was too hard to concentrate, it

> felt like a waste of time, so I just took the F.

> >

> > I started to see a therapist, but even with him it was hard talking with

> him because I have a hard time getting my point across in my head,

> translating my thoughts into comprehensive sentences is a feat in itself.

> And one thing he insisted on me doing was start to take anti-depressants.

> But I told him I didn't want to because it wasn't natural and I'm all about

> natural alternatives. So he suggested I practice defusion and introduced ACT

> to me. I read the happiness trap and started to practice the different

> techniques. I notices that it does help dealing with my troublesome

> thoughts, memories, etc. But I feel like its becoming another one of my

> defense mechanisms. I have no problem using it when I'm alone, but when I'm

> around others, no matter who, my family, friends, strangers, I'll always go

> to my safety zone aka my head. When I realize what I'm doing, I question my

> values and that's where I get stuck. I don't know what I value. I have ideas

> of things I should value, like my health, but I think my motives are out of

> fear. I don't even know what I'm trying to ask anymore...

> >

> > I'm a loner. A closet case. I'm aware that I am a loner, that I have a

> fear of rejection, that I repress most all of my emotions and have been for

> quite some time, I never felt loved, and a plethora of other shit. I don't

> know how to fix them or how to reverse them. I want feel a connection with

> others because I've never felt that before. I'm very disconnect with myself

> and my emotions and don't think I can connect with others. How do you

> connect to others?

> >

> >

>

> --

> Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-T

> Rochester, NY, US

> http://darrellking.com

> DarrellGKing@...

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kale,My own take on mistrust is that it is either warranted and not a problem, or it is unwarranted paranoia and thus reflective of reality. In the first case, I simply take note of the warning and take extra caution with the person in question. In the second, I use mindfulness to defuse from the overreaction–and I often find I was afraid of loosing something. I am probably not being clear myself, but for me it is less about the mistrust than it is about what the person might do to hurt me: why mistrust is a Bad Thing.

I hear ya on the distraction. Been there, done that. As a teen, I had an overwhelming social anxiety. Distraction was a coping skill, at least until I discovered alcohol! The latter bumped all the other coping aside for years, until the consequences caught up with me....

D>  >> I act completely different in everyday social settings as opposed to when I'm in the comfort of my " safety zones " , which to me is being alone or in a controlled environment. Acting in a social manner would be hard because the thing about acting is I don't know how/what to act like. And when in social situations, I go numb and distract myself with little things going on around me and/or hum the first song that comes to my head and I tend to just hold everything in unless I know it's absolutely safe to proceed with my comments, thoughts, etc. My thoughts are never really clear because I'm so distracted so I'll automatically go to my list of cliches or the most literal interpretation of the subject at hand. In a way, it's cause me to see both sides of things so it's hard for me to side with people , I think I do it out of fear of being judged... I sometimes remind myself to not care what other people think, but not actually feel that way so I never act accordingly.

>> In son's stages of development, our first crisis is trust vs mistrust. This particular crisis is something I feel I need to pass. But how the fuck am I suppose to reverse 23 years of mistrust. Mistrust is used extremely vaguely but it kind of sums of my personality. I make myself seem like I'm alright, at peace, content, but on the inside, I'm eating myself up and stopping myself from living life.

>> >> >>> >>> > I need to start from the beginning because I don't know how to ask what I

>> want to ask. I'm 23 and a student in a small community college (~4500>> students). This girl recently sparked a mental breakdown in the works for>> what seems like a lifetime. Now first off, I'm very shy. I never approach

>> strangers unless I'm asking them for the time or directions or something>> like that. I never initiated a friendship. Talking to people is kind of>> uncomfortable, because I noticed I have an irrational fear of saying the

>> wrong thing and I start to feel anxious and clam up, then I start to worry>> about how to keep the conversation going or how I can end it without making>> them feel weird, then I start to think that they must think I'm weird...

>> that story. So, she started talking to me in class when we got put into a>> discussion group. I sensed she was interested in me, but I thought to myself>> that I'm crazy to think that. We started kind of flirting with each other

>> through texts, but every text I sent would be a while before I actually>> responded because I had to calculate every single word. Then when we started>> hanging out outside of class, that where I started to loose it. She is super

>> cute, really smart, and really comfortable with herself and that really>> attracted me to her, but I never told her that. When I was around her, I was>> at a constant loss of words. Every time I was around her, it was like I was

>> stuck in a mine field. Constantly watching my every action. And in the back>> of my head, I thought " just be yourself. " That's when I realized I didn't>> know who I was and it dawned on me that that's why I've never been intimate

>> with anyone before. After we hung out, I would play the entire episode back>> in my head, imagining the " i should of did this... " " if i said that instead>> of... " all that bullshit. After a while, she became less flirty and she

>> stopped responding as frequently like she used to. I still tried to keep it>> up, but sensed she wasn't into it anymore. Then like a loon, I called her>> one night after she didn't respond to my texts the entire day. I was

>> distressed and probably came off crazy but I felt I needed to confess that I>> had a crush on her. She gave me the cliche that she had just gotten out of a>> long relationship. Instinctively, I told her I knew she didn't like me and

>> started to go into how I've never been intimate with anyone ever and a bunch>> of shit I can't recall. She suggested I see a therapist, which I ended up>> doing, but I became extremely depressed after that night. I couldn't

>> concentrate at all in school. I tried to go back to the class we had>> together, but ended up not going because it was too hard to concentrate, it>> felt like a waste of time, so I just took the F.

>> >>> > I started to see a therapist, but even with him it was hard talking with>> him because I have a hard time getting my point across in my head,>> translating my thoughts into comprehensive sentences is a feat in itself.

>> And one thing he insisted on me doing was start to take anti-depressants.>> But I told him I didn't want to because it wasn't natural and I'm all about>> natural alternatives. So he suggested I practice defusion and introduced ACT

>> to me. I read the happiness trap and started to practice the different>> techniques. I notices that it does help dealing with my troublesome>> thoughts, memories, etc. But I feel like its becoming another one of my

>> defense mechanisms. I have no problem using it when I'm alone, but when I'm>> around others, no matter who, my family, friends, strangers, I'll always go>> to my safety zone aka my head. When I realize what I'm doing, I question my

>> values and that's where I get stuck. I don't know what I value. I have ideas>> of things I should value, like my health, but I think my motives are out of>> fear. I don't even know what I'm trying to ask anymore...

>> >>> > I'm a loner. A closet case. I'm aware that I am a loner, that I have a>> fear of rejection, that I repress most all of my emotions and have been for>> quite some time, I never felt loved, and a plethora of other shit. I don't

>> know how to fix them or how to reverse them. I want feel a connection with>> others because I've never felt that before. I'm very disconnect with myself>> and my emotions and don't think I can connect with others. How do you

>> connect to others?>> > -->> Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-T>> Rochester, NY, US>> http://darrellking.com>> DarrellGKing@...

>>>> -- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.com

DarrellGKing@...

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your helpful words everyone. I'm still very much confused but I

think it's because I have trouble trusting myself. I have an extremely hard time

making everyday decisions, even the one that doesn't really matter. The other

night, I spent 30 minutes picking out a bottle of wine. It wasn't a special

occasion or for anyone special, just me wanting to get drunk with 2 of my

friends. Even after I realized how long I was standing in that isle, I still

took 10 more minutes before deciding. And to top it off, I seen a cheaper bottle

on the way to the checkout and swapped it in a second. It didn't bother me after

we popped it open and I actually had a pretty good night, but it still pisses me

off that I just waste a lot of my time with shit like that. This is an everyday

thing, from the second I wake up. I'm at the point where I'm crying because I

can't seem to do shit right and can't make decisions for myself. I'm full of

self-pity and extremely ego-centric and spend most of my days in self-loathing.

And the fact that I'm aware of all of this is what keeps bringing me down. I've

been trying to defuse them, but I seem to only be able to do it when I'm alone.

I can't do it surrounded by people. I automatically go into flight mode.

I used to criticize my brother for always saying " I can't do... " and getting mad

at himself. I'm such a hypocrite.

I'm wondering if I should start taking anti-depressants. When I initially had my

breakdown and started seeing a therapist, I was very adamant about not taking

any pharmaceuticals. I still don't agree with them and prefer natural

alternatives and holistic remedies. I chose to do my CBT without meds, but I've

always had trouble with commitment and procrastination (now that I'm 23, it

seems more than ever now...) and I believe is partly due to my self-loathing.

I'm a pussy when it comes risk taking though. I don't play unless I know there

is no way of loosing. Do you think anti-depressants would be any help? Is there

an anti-whimp pill I can take? And is motivation intrinsic?

I to think my excessive smoking habits is playing a role in my stagnated

progression... if that even makes sense. Weed, not cigarettes. That stuff is

gross. I'm keep telling myself I will stop for the sake of myself, but it's

become such a routine it's hard to not notice it missing. And plus myself now

isn't exactly who I want to be, so falling in the same patterns is very easy.

The longest I've stopped recently was about 4 days. I didn't notice much change

except the fact that I thought about it a little more. It makes me feel like a

little kid, like I can't control my urges and impulses. As of right now, I'm out

and I'm holding out... but then again I'm alone right now...

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I need to start from the beginning because I don't know how to ask what

I

> > > want to ask. I'm 23 and a student in a small community college (~4500

> > > students). This girl recently sparked a mental breakdown in the works for

> > > what seems like a lifetime. Now first off, I'm very shy. I never approach

> > > strangers unless I'm asking them for the time or directions or something

> > > like that. I never initiated a friendship. Talking to people is kind of

> > > uncomfortable, because I noticed I have an irrational fear of saying the

> > > wrong thing and I start to feel anxious and clam up, then I start to worry

> > > about how to keep the conversation going or how I can end it without

making

> > > them feel weird, then I start to think that they must think I'm weird...

> > > that story. So, she started talking to me in class when we got put into a

> > > discussion group. I sensed she was interested in me, but I thought to

myself

> > > that I'm crazy to think that. We started kind of flirting with each other

> > > through texts, but every text I sent would be a while before I actually

> > > responded because I had to calculate every single word. Then when we

started

> > > hanging out outside of class, that where I started to loose it. She is

super

> > > cute, really smart, and really comfortable with herself and that really

> > > attracted me to her, but I never told her that. When I was around her, I

was

> > > at a constant loss of words. Every time I was around her, it was like I

was

> > > stuck in a mine field. Constantly watching my every action. And in the

back

> > > of my head, I thought " just be yourself. " That's when I realized I didn't

> > > know who I was and it dawned on me that that's why I've never been

intimate

> > > with anyone before. After we hung out, I would play the entire episode

back

> > > in my head, imagining the " i should of did this... " " if i said that

instead

> > > of... " all that bullshit. After a while, she became less flirty and she

> > > stopped responding as frequently like she used to. I still tried to keep

it

> > > up, but sensed she wasn't into it anymore. Then like a loon, I called her

> > > one night after she didn't respond to my texts the entire day. I was

> > > distressed and probably came off crazy but I felt I needed to confess that

I

> > > had a crush on her. She gave me the cliche that she had just gotten out of

a

> > > long relationship. Instinctively, I told her I knew she didn't like me and

> > > started to go into how I've never been intimate with anyone ever and a

bunch

> > > of shit I can't recall. She suggested I see a therapist, which I ended up

> > > doing, but I became extremely depressed after that night. I couldn't

> > > concentrate at all in school. I tried to go back to the class we had

> > > together, but ended up not going because it was too hard to concentrate,

it

> > > felt like a waste of time, so I just took the F.

> > > >

> > > > I started to see a therapist, but even with him it was hard talking with

> > > him because I have a hard time getting my point across in my head,

> > > translating my thoughts into comprehensive sentences is a feat in itself.

> > > And one thing he insisted on me doing was start to take anti-depressants.

> > > But I told him I didn't want to because it wasn't natural and I'm all

about

> > > natural alternatives. So he suggested I practice defusion and introduced

ACT

> > > to me. I read the happiness trap and started to practice the different

> > > techniques. I notices that it does help dealing with my troublesome

> > > thoughts, memories, etc. But I feel like its becoming another one of my

> > > defense mechanisms. I have no problem using it when I'm alone, but when

I'm

> > > around others, no matter who, my family, friends, strangers, I'll always

go

> > > to my safety zone aka my head. When I realize what I'm doing, I question

my

> > > values and that's where I get stuck. I don't know what I value. I have

ideas

> > > of things I should value, like my health, but I think my motives are out

of

> > > fear. I don't even know what I'm trying to ask anymore...

> > > >

> > > > I'm a loner. A closet case. I'm aware that I am a loner, that I have a

> > > fear of rejection, that I repress most all of my emotions and have been

for

> > > quite some time, I never felt loved, and a plethora of other shit. I don't

> > > know how to fix them or how to reverse them. I want feel a connection with

> > > others because I've never felt that before. I'm very disconnect with

myself

> > > and my emotions and don't think I can connect with others. How do you

> > > connect to others?

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > > --

> > > Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-T

> > > Rochester, NY, US

> > > http://darrellking.com

> > > DarrellGKing@

> > >

> >

>