Re: Problems with self-compassion

[Guest guest]

Hi ,I have run into feelings similar to these at times. FWIW, I thought of the experience as an opportunity to look at my relationship to such concepts as warm fuzzies.... Seemed like a fusion kinda thing - maybe do milk with them...?

D

 

Hi

I have been practicing and practicing Russ's exercise from the Reality Slap which he posted here towards the end of November, which is an exercise in the present moment, expansion and self-compassion.

I have a lot of difficulty at these stages:

Now slowly and deeply

breathe into the pain, do so with an attitude

of kindness.  Infuse this breath with

caring and contribution; see it as an act of comfort and support

·          

Infuse this gentle

action with caring and warmth, as if you are reaching out to someone you care

about

·          

Let the kindness flow

from your fingers

·          

Now, use both of your

hands Place one of them upon your chest and the other upon your stomach, and

let them gently rest there.

·          

Hold yourself kindly

and gently, connecting with yourself, caring for yourself, and contributing

comfort and support

Does anyone else have problems with woolly and warm words?  I don't know if it is because I wasn't hugged enough as a kid, but I just cringe at sentimentality, and I get turned-off during the exercise when it comes to these

actions.  I guess it is important in succeeding with these sorts of exercises, so this is something I need to address.

Has anyone else come across this problem, and how have you become more comfortable with self-compassion and expressions of warmth,

kindness and caring (even writing those words is unnatural for me).  It makes me squirm, when I think it is meant to make me feel scure.

(Sorry about the weird formatting in this email, I don't know how to turn if

off!!!)

Best wishes

x

[Guest guest]

I wasn't hugged as a kid, either, and I think that's why I do like woolly and warm words - as long as they are sincere and not fake - and sometimes it's hard to tell, but I'm learning to trust that most are sincere. If I were uncomfortable with sentimentality, I would ask myself why. Is there something you are afraid of or are blocking emotionally? If not, then just accept that your personality is not geared to appreciate touchy-feely stuff, and there's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to use Russ's exact words; you could change them to an expression you are comfortable with.

Helena

From: " Robson" <oscar.robsonyahoo (DOT) co.uk>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 5:59:44 AMSubject: Problems with self-compassion

HiI have been practicing and practicing Russ's exercise from the Reality Slap which he posted here towards the end of November, which is an exercise in the present moment, expansion and self-compassion.I have a lot of difficulty at these stages: Now slowly and deeply breathe into the pain, do so with an attitude of kindness.

Infuse this breath with caring and contribution; see it as an act of comfort and support

· Infuse this gentle action with caring and warmth, as if you are reaching out to someone you care about

· Let the kindness flow from your fingers

· Now, use both of your hands Place one of them upon your chest and the other upon your stomach, and let them gently rest there.

· Hold yourself kindly and gently, connecting with yourself, caring for yourself, and contributing comfort and support

Does anyone else have problems with woolly and warm words? I don't know if it is because I wasn't hugged enough as a kid, but I just cringe at sentimentality, and I get turned-off during the exercise when it comes to these actions. I guess it is important in succeeding with these sorts of exercises, so this is something I need to address.

Has anyone else come across this problem, and how have you become more comfortable with self-compassion and expressions of warmth, kindness and caring (even writing those words is unnatural for me). It makes me squirm, when I think it is meant to make me feel scure.

(Sorry about the weird formatting in this email, I don't know how to turn if off!!!)

Best wishes

x

[Guest guest]

wrote,

>

> Has anyone else come across this problem, and how have you

> become more comfortable with self-compassion and expressions

> of warmth, kindness and caring (even writing those words is

> unnatural for me).

Hi -

I've had very similar reactions to self-compassion exercises.

And when I am feeling hateful or stuck these reactions seem

comfortable. They are as ancient and familiar as the character

Gollum in " Lord of the Rings. "

What helps me, when I can remember to do so, is to listen.

If I listen to this voice that is criticizing self-compassion as too

sentimental or too fuzzy or what have you, it reveals itself as the

familiar voice of judgment that for so long has sought to guard me;

to keep me safe from harm by running down everything in my life,

including me. If my expectations are zero I can't be hurt!

If I let this voice keep talking, it will offer lots of " reasons "

why self-compassion is something to scorn or even be ashamed of:

" The world is a tough place, so you need to be tough too, " " Your

life is easy - some people really have it hard - what makes you

think you deserve this 'compassion' nonsense? " Etc.

And once I notice the voice for what it is, I have a choice. I can

keep playing at being tough if I think the world will reward me for

toughness - not just toughness on the outside, but toughness and

hardness on the inside where no one can even see it but me. However

I've noticed that the world does not in fact care whether I play at

being tough or not. The world does not care if I deprive myself of

kindness any more than it would care if I starved myself of food

or sleep.

I've seen other men too try to be tough because they were told that

was the way to be. Often they ended up very unhappy. It happened to

my father and to the fathers of many of my friends. Other men have

shown the capacity to laugh & cry and baby themselves sometimes,

and perversely they have seemed more accessible to those around them

and in the end happier, even though they knew sadness too.

I can imagine someone tough as nails in terms of surviving a harsh

environment, yet who can also practice softness and sweetness and

kindness without shame, whether toward himself or others. I aspire

much more to be this soft sweep ripe toughie than someone who has

bought so thoroughly into inner hardness that he is like a dried out

hunk of cheese in the fridge - totally inedible, totally

unnourishing for anybody.

The very fact that it is so hard to defuse from thoughts of " I've

got to be tough " and " Babying myself is wrong " etc. tells me

something. Would I treat someone else like this? If I am kind to an

elderly cat or an elderly person or a child etc., why would I not be

kind to myself? Again, it's that hard hard voice that raps out

judgment . . . do I want to go along with that voice, and what sort

of world is it offering me?

So sure, I think I understand and share your experience of that hard

hard voice.

- Randy

P.S. There are some self-forgiveness exercises I practice now and then

and they might be helpful too, now that I am thinking how unforgiving

this voice is -

http://www.wellnessgoods.com/forgiveness.asp

http://www.podcastdirectory.com/podshows/712646

[Guest guest]

>

> I have bought a little into a voice saying that because I don't understand it,

> then it must be sentimental hogwash. 

,

Okay, so the voice you hear is a bit different than mine. Maybe

if you encourage it, it will say more & you will get to understand it

a bit better?

In other words there may be other thoughts that link up to this voice

and help support it & these might be interesting to bring to the

surface.

There is a video (for therapists learning ACT) of Steve

demonstrating this technique with a client - he calls the thoughts

that lurk in the background " the bum's chums " and suggests it

is worth getting to know what they are saying.

Good luck! Self compassion is a tough one for me too at times.

- R.

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I have struck similar brick walls when attempting to do such exercises. That's probably why I've picked up and dropped numerous ACT books -- I get stuck at those brick walls.I have a glimmer of what to look for, though. I look for the scared, little guy that is inside there, somewhere. He doesn't always (hardly ever) want to show himself, and that's because he has this very strong reluctance to acknowledge the tormentors, those who caused so much grief and pain. (I remember being belted as a youngster, slapped hard, across the face and everywhere else, and laughing through my tears at the one doing the belting -- usually a parent -- because I refused to give them the satisfaction of having reached my innermost core. It was an act of resistance and defiance.)As I remember it now, although there was affection shown in our house, it always came at a price: I couldn't be who I was. I had to be what they wanted me to be. The 'break' -- that's what I call the moment when I became lost to myself -- came when there was no way I could assert myself in any meaningful way. So I became what I became, some sort of fragmented version of a person. I don't know if I'll ever be able to put all the pieces together again because I don't really know how many there are or where they are.So that's my 'take' on it, . Look for the little guy in there, somewhere. He's perhaps the only one who can melt the ice, even if only a little bit.Regards,Detlef>> > > Hi> > Ihave been practicing and practicing Russ's exercise from the Reality Slap which he posted here towards the end of November, which is an exercise in the present moment, expansion and self-compassion.> > I have a lot of difficulty at these stages:> Now slowly and deeply> breathe into the pain, do so with an attitude> of kindness. > > Infuse this breath with> caring and contribution; see it as an act of comfort and support> · Infuse this gentle> action with caring and warmth, as if you are reaching out to someone you care> about> · Let the kindness flow> from your fingers> · Now, use both of your> hands Place one of them upon your chest and the other upon your stomach, and> let them gently rest there.> · Hold yourself kindly> and gently, connecting with yourself, caring for yourself, and contributing> comfort and support> > Does anyone else have problems with woolly and warm words? I don't know if it is because I wasn't hugged enough as a kid, but I just cringe at sentimentality, and I get turned-off during the exercise when it comes to these actions. I guess it is important in succeeding with these sorts of exercises, so this is something I need to address.> > > Has anyone else come across this problem, and how have you become more comfortable with self-compassion and expressions of warmth, kindness and caring (even writing those words is unnatural for me). It makes me squirm, when I think it is meant to make me feel scure.> > > (Sorry about the weird formatting in this email, I don't know how to turn if off!!!)> > Best wishes> > x>

[Guest guest]

I believe that we need to start with compassion for others before we can move

onto self-compassion.

I did not learn self-compassion through language and thinking, I experienced it

through physical sensations. It helped to still the voice and focus on the

sensations. What I mean by still the voice is like the " Listening in Silence "

meditation, where you keep coming back to letting the voice flow without

engaging with it.

Compassion starts as an emotion, or something that you feel. If your ACT

practice is sharp in that moment, you may notice that feeling (many people

describe it as warm and fuzzy :-) and in noticing, experience the joy and

liberation of the compassionate self.

Lou

>

>

>

> Hi

>

> Ihave been practicing and practicing Russ's exercise from the Reality Slap

which he posted here towards the end of November, which is an exercise in the

present moment, expansion and self-compassion.

>

> I have a lot of difficulty at these stages:

> Now slowly and deeply

> breathe into the pain, do so with an attitude

> of kindness. 

>

> Infuse this breath with

> caring and contribution; see it as an act of comfort and support

> ·           Infuse this gentle

> action with caring and warmth, as if you are reaching out to someone you care

> about

> ·           Let the kindness flow

> from your fingers

> ·           Now, use both of your

> hands Place one of them upon your chest and the other upon your stomach, and

> let them gently rest there.

> ·           Hold yourself kindly

> and gently, connecting with yourself, caring for yourself, and contributing

> comfort and support

>

> Does anyone else have problems with woolly and warm words?  I don't know if it

is because I wasn't hugged enough as a kid, but I just cringe at sentimentality,

and I get turned-off during the exercise when it comes to these actions.  I

guess it is important in succeeding with these sorts of exercises, so this is

something I need to address.

>

>

> Has anyone else come across this problem, and how have you become more

comfortable with self-compassion and expressions of warmth, kindness and caring

(even writing those words is unnatural for me).  It makes me squirm, when I

think it is meant to make me feel scure.

>

>

> (Sorry about the weird formatting in this email, I don't know how to turn if

off!!!)

>

> Best wishes

>

> x

>