Re: Re: Re: Re: Your story

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Hi list,Would just like to apologize for this double posting. It must be some kind of automatic thing with yahoo. I had trouble sending my e-mails a few days ago, so I went in on the Yahoo page and sent them from there instead. But now the original e-mails came through after all, and you got at double posting.Henrik Awesome Steve, and thanks for telling more about that chapter in thebook of your life! Can I say that the new chapter sounds exciting!? (the63 year old)Your story catapulted me into a dilemma - a runaway fusion:Recently, I have been promoted - i.e. I have a little moreresponsibility at work than before.This small promotion has changed how I see work in ways that are notaccording to my values. What I mean is I take too tooo muchresponsibility for the whole organization, for my colleagues ... My bosseven warned me of this when she asked me- she said that I would needhelp not taking this role too seriously. My values at work - that wherepretty clear before I was asked - suddenly became "non existent".The story that could be attached to this could be one of many but whynot start with:I was a 3,5 years old swedish speaking kid, going to an all frenchkindergarten (We where living in France) going to the smaller kidssection of the school where things where both soft but also barren). Oneday, out of the blue I was moved up to the older kids section who where3 - 5 years old. You could say I was "promoted". I think that thatchange contributed to me gradually stopping being "Henrik" andpsychologically becoming an automaton.Sorry folks... the next part is heavy...That promotion took away everything joyful and added fear, screamingfrom the sadistic teacher, discipline, sitting still all day, homework,getting locked in, not being allowed to talk, not being allowed to gothe bathroom, no liberty. The "upside" was learning to count, read andwrite. As I was swedish, I didn't get what is was all about. There wasno upside for me, unfortunately. I didn't learn either reading, writingor counting to 100. I was there for 1,5 years. I was always remindedthat I was the slowest/most stupid (but most silent which was amitigating circumstance) pupil in the class, and was punished andpublicly mocked for it....I think this story and others still influences me in many ways ----I often hold back from taking initiatives that could put me insituations where I'm challenged in unexpected ways.-I keep to myself inside my head (I found safety in my head when theteacher was screaming and when I didn't understand what they where alltalking about). I have a limited social life and an almost non existentromantic life.-When in new, challenging situations - my back becomes rigid andstraight and I loose myself to a kind of automaton with limited accessto any kind of thinking process - trying to act the part of a "superperson".-etc...Acceptance and defusion:I need to accept this story and defuse from it, all the while carryingthis little kid with me - the way you often model it, Steve.Values:While doing this, I need to find myself - Henrik - and see what kind ofperson I want to be at work. What can I change in the way I work so thatit's fun to go to work? The world is changing faster and faster, withmore and more challenges - so I need to change with it - all the whileremaining Henrik. "Henrik" is a concept that is hard for me to maintain.Is it even useful as it could be moving deeper into self as concept?Committed action:Perhaps "Henrik" is about:-finding smart ways and short cuts to do things that make my lifebetter.-joking-being lazy-opening up my heart to my colleagues, friends and clients-helping them to open up their hearts-trying to slow things down when the "automaton" is taking over so thatI can go back to acceptance.Any comments are welcome,With appreciationHenrik> > > Thanks for the sweet note Stan> > The "Your Story" language can be extremely invalidating when it is> used> to criticize a person -- as anyone on the receiving end of> that kind of use can attest.> > But there is a place worth looking at that Stan is bringing up.> > We have many narratives that are possible about the few facts we know.> The facts should be respected but if many narratives are possible> we need to look more deeply at the narratives themselves. Would it be> OK> if we took responsibility for our stories and the role they play in> our> lives?> > I have stories about myself> that I know hold me down because inside the narrative nothing new> seems> possible. When I know from experience that I'm in a situation in which> something new is needed> old stories often can get in the way.> > So for example my mother (who turns 90 in a few weeks .. lovely> person)> was to my> mind as a child irrational and neurotic. My Dad nearly died of a heart> attack when I was 8> and was in the hospital for 6 months. Mom went into a deep depression> during that time.> I felt at the time as if no adults were able to take care of me.> I literally worried I would not be fed (this is an 8 year old> remember)> > Storytime:> > The REASON I'm so hyper responsible (and freaked out by females if> they> show negative emotions) is that I grew up at age 8> and the way I grew up that fast was to try to suppress emotions> and just focus on external events.> It was grow up or die.> > OK> > Some of these facts are facts. But the story is just one way to> integrate these facts.> Functionally, I like some of it in that it is a compassionate place to> stand with the 8 yr old part of me> when I'm being over-controlling and hyper-responsible (again) out of a> fear place.> > But functionally, other parts are troubling.> > For example, this story is about age 8 and you are 63 dude.> What about the other 55 years? What about now?> And what about a 63 year old telling a 55 year old story -- what is> the> story about THAT?> > Do you see what I mean?> > So> > when the narratives are not moving us forward we> do have other alternatives. For example we might> move ahead anyway and start writing a new> chapter with our feet> > Speaking of which> > "Did I tell you about the time I was soooo stuck> because I have this 8 year old part of me that wa ... I did?> Oh. Well. OK. So what happened was I hit this place> in which I just somehow moved ahead anyway and> started writing a new chapter> with my feet. Did I tell you that one? No?> Well, gee, it's pretty interesting. Or at least it> surprised me. Let's see. I was, oh may, 63 years old and ...."> > - S> > C. > Foundation Professor> Department of Psychology /298> University of Nevada> Reno, NV 89557-0062> > "Love isn't everything, it's the only thing"> > > > Fax: <tel:%28775%29%20784-1126>> Psych Department: <tel:%28775%29%20784-6828>> Contextual Change (you can use this number for messages if need be):> <tel:%28775%29%20746-2013>> > Blogs:> Psychology Today> http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-out-your-mind> Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-c-hayes-phd> > If you want my vita, publications, PowerPoint slides, try my training> page or my blog at the ACBS site:> http://www.contextualpsychology.org/steven_hayes> http://www.contextualpsychology.org/blog/steven_hayes> > or you can try my website (it is semi-functional)> http://stevenchayes.com> > If you have any questions about ACT or RFT (articles, AAQ information> etc), please first check the vast resources at website of the> Association for Contextual Behavioral Science (ACBS):> http://www.contextualpsychology.org. You have to register on the> site> to download things, but the cost if up to your own values.> > If you are a professional or student and want to be part of the world> wide ACT discussion or RFT discussions go to> <http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy/j> oi> n>> > or> > http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/relationalframetheory/join> > If you are a member of the public reading ACT self-help books (e.g.,> "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life" etc) and want to be part of> the conversation go to:> http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join> > > > > On Fri, Sep 16, 2011 at 8:40 PM, Stan >> wrote:> > >> >> > In chapter 7 of GOOYMAIYL (page 90 according to my Kindle version),> > has an exercise called Retelling Your Own Story.> >> > Summarised, it goes like this. First, write the story of your> > suffering and the reasons for it. Then reread it and underline the> > facts, the actual events that happened. Finally, use those facts to> > tell a different story. It might be useful to repeat the last part> > to> > see how many different stories you can come up with.> >> > Essentially, this is a defusion exercise to help us let go of our> > attachment to our conceptualised self, the part of us that tells us> > who and why we are the way we are. Thing like: I'm anxious, I'm not> > as> > good as other people, I'm (in my case) a skeptic, I'm this, I'm> > that.> >> > In my last session with my gambling counsellor, I told him how, a> > year> > before I was born (way back in 1948), my parents had a daughter. One> > freezing winter's night in London where they lived at the time, they> > took her into their bed to keep her warm. When they woke up the next> > morning, they found her dead. She had suffocated.> >> > While telling my counsellor about this, I told him that my mother> > didn't like being hugged. In my late twenties, I tried hugging her> > for> > a while until she told me not to. I was disappointed, but I accepted> > it.> >> > As the session went on, I began to weave a story to try and make> > sense> > of why physical affection wasn't a part of our family life and the> > effect it's had on me since. Their grief and trauma (talking about> > it> > one day, my father said he called himself a murderer) made them> > afraid> > of being overly affectionate; it was the 1950s and they were> > British;> > my mother was an introvert; and so on.> >> > The point of sharing this is that it shows how easy it is for me to> > weave a story from what happened to explain why I am the way I am.> > Take the same facts, and I could come up with lots of different> > stories. One of them may be true, or none of them, I can't be sure.> >> > One thing I do know, however, is that they were good parents and> > they> > loved me and I loved them, even if we didn't say so in words and> > touches. No story my mind comes up with will ever change that fact.> >> > The stories we weave around the event in our lives are just that:> > stories. We can use those same facts to spin all kinds of yarns to> > explain how we came to be the way we are now.> >> > Who we are deep down is not the stories we tell ourselves, so hold> > them lightly.> >> > Cheers,> > Stan> >> >> >> > > > >> > > This dropped into my inbox:> > >> > > "I'm tired of hearing others say: "It's just my story." I'm tired> > > of> > > spiritual teachers telling their students "to drop their story."> > > And> > > I'm just as tired of us devaluing our story — our personal history> > > —> > > as I am of us overvaluing or overdramatizing it. What's needed is> > > a> > > deep honoring of our story, through which we mine from it what we> > > need to become more integrated, more real, more at home with all> > > that we are."> > >> > > Augustus Masters> > >> > >> > > What do people think? I agree with him, the "drop your story"> > > decree> > > just grates on my nerves, it seems so dismissive and> > > non-compassionate. And so simplistic, it's a catch phrase that> > > inhibits and negates the search for insight.> > >> > > Kate> > >> >> >> >> >> > > > > >