Guest guest Posted January 8, 2012 Report Share Posted January 8, 2012 Testing Sent from Yahoo!7 Mail on Android From: Birgit Werner ; To: ACT_for_the_Public <ACT_for_the_Public >; Subject: Re: Re: Oh what to do Sent: Mon, Jan 9, 2012 3:36:02 AM Hi , thank you. I have Russ's ACT book for relationships. I bought and read it a while ago. It seem to reinforce to look at my values - stability for my kids and myself - and then act in a committed way towards my values - stay in the relationship and accept it as it is. Along the way I'd accept/put up with the negative feelings I have for my partner. Actually non-feelings is more accurate. The issue is not so much that I can't find anything to improve my own life. The issue is more that even if I pursue a hobby, make friends or do whatever to enrich my own life I still have to go home and sleep next to a man I don't love.... : ) Birgit To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Monday, 9 January 2012 10:43 AMSubject: Re: Oh what to do Hi Birgit: I guess you can ask yourself the feeling of unhappiness is really caused by other person, or there are other reasons? It's likely woman tend to use relationship as source of happiness, I used to do that, until I learned intimacy with myself, I shift the focus, I find I can find happiness and contentment in my own life, I am free to pursue my own dreams at anytime, This give me great freedom. And It become easy for me to set boundary and be more tolerant with other people too.relationship may need balance of head and heart, some people very emotionally and become unreasonable and foolish, some take security concern first and tend to ignore their heart desire, if you attract to this relationship, that might be some point of your life, security needs are likely to be overwhelming.... However the real security can only be find on ones own heart. Russ have nice ACT book in relationship, you might interesting to have a look, however, any relationship that worth to work have to be basically healthy at first.It's up to you to make decision, No matter what you decide, please remember, happiness can only be find in one's own heart. Blessing.>> Hi all> > Maybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share. Don't want to talk to friends. > I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm so bored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just am not attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6 years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, we have 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys just turned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy is almost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we got together I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which is what I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What's keeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better off financially staying here. > I have often thought about my values and what's important to me and it's been giving my boys security and stability. But I feel so dead, bored and empty. > I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in the loud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out. Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place of my own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see a future with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless, just functional. > Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I ever be with anyone where there's passion? > I feel confused and ungrateful. > Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing on myself more? > I just want to feel again. Feel alive. > > Thanks for listening and sorry for barging in with my story> > Birgit > > > Sent from my iPhone> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2012 Report Share Posted January 9, 2012 Birgit, it never occurred to me that you and your partner had not discussed this. I would find it impossible to be in an intimate relationship where I would be able to hide my feelings - but that's me. I wouldn't be surprised if your partner already knows (on some level) how you feel, even if you haven't told him in words. A candid discussion to get all your cards on the table would probably be a good start and might even relieve some of the pressure you feel around being in the relationship. Tread gently (as Em used to say here). Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 10:24:35 PMSubject: Re: Re: Oh what to do Hi Randy, Thank you so much for your reply. You just have an amazing way of looking at things from a different angle (I've seen many of your replies to many members of this board) Anyway, you are right. I have never told my partner how I feel. I have hinted or at least not lied about it but I have never said how I really feel. Because, like you say it might be the end of the relationship. I needed the relialble, stable relationship I had with him to much that I thought I can put up with it and that love is overrated and all I need to do is get on with it. My values at the time were all about security for me and my boys and I was committed to putting up with whatever was missing because I so wanted the stability. It's scary but I think I'm now heading down this path and I will have to open up to him. Oh geez that's gonna hurt. He deserves better as well. Thank you, Birgit To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Monday, 9 January 2012 1:39 AMSubject: Re: Oh what to do —- In ACT_for_the_Public, Birgit Werner wrote: > > But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel > trapped in this 'arrangement'.I get the impression that you haven't told your partner how you feel, and that in general there is not much real communication - or at least you are not initiating any on your side. When I was younger I was in a couple of relationships where I didn'tcommunicate, felt highly ambivalent from the start about staying orleaving, and ended up feeling trapped. Both relationships ended anyway,and very badly. I actually went into therapy to work on this issue,way back before I ever heard about ACT, and it helped. Now I try & speak up in relationships and it really makes a difference. I'm stilllearning - I also have a hard time speaking up in friendships, so Ineed to work on that too. I guess the fear is that if we say anything, that will turn out to bethe equivalent of "leaving" - the partner then & there will reject us,etc. At the very least it will change things so we can no longer keepup our pretense. And we are desperate to keep up that pretense - eventhough it is the pretense that keeps us stuck.You can see what I'm saying. A relationship where you keep such a bigsecret is never going to be much of a relationship. And from my ownexperience, I can say this is a bad habit that might then be maintainedgoing into a new relationship . . . and which would then eventually killthat new relationship too.Meanwhile if we do say something, we might find out what our partneractually feels (but hasn't been saying). The relationship might stillend up ending - or it might not. But at least there might be a chancefor growth & healing, versus no chance at all. Anyway, that's my two cents, based on what added up to 4 or 5 verypainful years I took out of my life in total. And I took those sameyears out of the lives of the two persons involved - they also got hurtby me keeping silent as long as I did. - Randy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2012 Report Share Posted January 9, 2012 >I still have to go home and sleep next to a man I don't love.... Send him to Pittsburgh. Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 10:36:02 PMSubject: Re: Re: Oh what to do Hi , thank you. I have Russ's ACT book for relationships. I bought and read it a while ago. It seem to reinforce to look at my values - stability for my kids and myself - and then act in a committed way towards my values - stay in the relationship and accept it as it is. Along the way I'd accept/put up with the negative feelings I have for my partner. Actually non-feelings is more accurate. The issue is not so much that I can't find anything to improve my own life. The issue is more that even if I pursue a hobby, make friends or do whatever to enrich my own life I still have to go home and sleep next to a man I don't love.... : ) Birgit To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Monday, 9 January 2012 10:43 AMSubject: Re: Oh what to do Hi Birgit: I guess you can ask yourself the feeling of unhappiness is really caused by other person, or there are other reasons? It's likely woman tend to use relationship as source of happiness, I used to do that, until I learned intimacy with myself, I shift the focus, I find I can find happiness and contentment in my own life, I am free to pursue my own dreams at anytime, This give me great freedom. And It become easy for me to set boundary and be more tolerant with other people too.relationship may need balance of head and heart, some people very emotionally and become unreasonable and foolish, some take security concern first and tend to ignore their heart desire, if you attract to this relationship, that might be some point of your life, security needs are likely to be overwhelming.... However the real security can only be find on ones own heart. Russ have nice ACT book in relationship, you might interesting to have a look, however, any relationship that worth to work have to be basically healthy at first.It's up to you to make decision, No matter what you decide, please remember, happiness can only be find in one's own heart. Blessing.>> Hi all> > Maybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share. Don't want to talk to friends. > I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm so bored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just am not attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6 years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, we have 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys just turned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy is almost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we got together I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which is what I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What's keeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better off financially staying here. > I have often thought about my values and what's important to me and it's been giving my boys security and stability. But I feel so dead, bored and empty. > I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in the loud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out. Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place of my own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see a future with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless, just functional. > Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I ever be with anyone where there's passion? > I feel confused and ungrateful. > Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing on myself more? > I just want to feel again. Feel alive. > > Thanks for listening and sorry for barging in with my story> > Birgit > > > Sent from my iPhone> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2012 Report Share Posted January 9, 2012 Kaivey, it doesn't matter if you were considered "a very bad man." All that matters is what you think of yourself and to hell with everyone else's opinions! I never thought of you as anything other than a very nice, gentle person - albeit a bit overly sensitive perhaps? I'm glad you have such a great girlfriend. Are you in love? Is marriage around the corner? Helena (just curious) To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 5:21:00 PMSubject: Re: Oh what to do I tend to suffer from a lot of guilt but I remember bringing thissubject here once about my relationship with my girlfriend. Anyway, someof the women here tore me to pieces and I was considered a very bad man.So I went away very upset looking for sympathy on my PSSD site, only Imade a mistake and ended up back here again (damn it!), after that Iwas left for mincemeet. Hmmm! Some of the names on these posts soundrather familiar.Anyway, I now adore my sweet girlfreind who is also my bestest freindever.Kv>> Hello Birgit> Areyour children are mature enough and able to be involved in theconversation, and even in the decisions, that you take about your life?I don't presume to suggest they are, I just ask.>> My mum left my dad, and I felt a bit betrayed,not for the fact my mumleft, but for the fact she (and my dad) never "let me in" on what wasgoing on. They said it was to protect me, and that it wasn't fair toburden me with it. But looking back I feel they could have told me, andexplained the trouble they were having, and explain that it is, sadly, apart of life we sometimes have to face.>> I could have understood better. It would have been less of a shockthan the "cut and run" it turned out to be. And we could have faced ittogether as a family, hard as it would have been.>> Not easy. You are in my thoughts, Birgit>> x>>>>>>> ________________________________> To: ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Sunday, 8 January 2012, 9:01> Subject: Oh what to do>> Hi all>> Maybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share.Don't want to talk to friends.> I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm sobored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just amnot attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, wehave 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys justturned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy isalmost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we gottogether I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which iswhat I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strongfeelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What'skeeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better offfinancially staying here.> I have often thought about my values and what's important to me andit's been giving my boys security and stability. But I feel so dead,bored and empty.> I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in theloud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out.Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place ofmy own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see afuture with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless,just functional.> Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the otherside. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I everbe with anyone where there's passion?> I feel confused and ungrateful.> Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing onmyself more?> I just want to feel again. Feel alive.>> Thanks for listening and sorry for barging in with my story>> Birgit>>> Sent from my iPhone>> ------------------------------------>> For other ACT materials and list serves seewww.contextualpsychology.org>> If you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may> unsubscribe by sending an email to> ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links>>>> http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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