Guest guest Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 I wonder if there is some counterproductive fusion in the identity " good dad " and the judgement about falling short for your daughter? They seem like hard-to-define goals, the kind that might give me hives trying to meet. I could easily see myself getting tense over such powerful demands! D> >> I also value being a supportive and playful dad. I'm pretty good with supportive but I fall woefully short on playful. I try but my anxiety and depression has made me much more restrained than I would like to be. I haven't really laughed in a long time. I can muster up a tight chuckle but that's about it. I feel guilty that I am not be all I could be for my daughter. I can act on my value of being a good dad but I can't act on being relaxed. Trying to relax only makes it harder. >> Congratulations on your bruised knee! I've also done ice skating with my daughter and it felt good afterwards, if not at the time. Pursuing these goals and values is worthwhile even if painful.> I think it's true that my values don't articulate all that I want. Unfortunately, I also want riches, fame, recognition, etc. I know from reading and study that those things are nothing to base happiness on, that chasing those worldly things is never enough, and that people who have them are often desperately unhappy. So I don't want to establish them as values, even though at a deep level I still desire them. But how to get rid of the desire for selfish rewards? I guess that's one of the aspects of Buddhism, the reduction of craving for satisfaction. I have a heck of time not being dissatisfied from what I have. I would like to let go of that but have not yet been able to put it down. > Bruce>> >> Hi Bruce> Reading what you say, it feels like you are reaching your values quite well but they aren't satisfying. I guess there are two possible causes? > (a) It could mean that your values don't quite articulate what you want. So " being with your family " - is there more to it than that? Your goals for that value might be rather repetitive: " to go home on time " , or something like that. Not all that imaginative? What else do you want to do? Is there something you want to do with that time to make it more fulfilling? (You might not - I'm speculating!) >> My value in this area is to " be a supportive and playful Dad " . I get set so many goals around " being playful " and they change every week. We went ice skating last week, and I have an enormous bruise on my knee to prove it! >> ( It could mean you are clinging onto something that you can't fulfill. You may subconsciously be setting yourself a value of " I want to be with my family, and be relaxed with them " . I guess that opens the door for struggle. I try to set goals to go with my values, and make sure that the goals are not things that my emotions can actually stop me from achieving. (They can make it harder, but there's nothing but the paper cage to stop me) > Good luck. I see much of myself if the inner debates you are having> x>> ________________________________> From: Bruce Carlson > To: ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Thursday, 13 October 2011, 23:10> Subject: Values vs. Action>> I'm doing pretty well on defining my values but what do you do when > there's no real action to be taken in the present moment? For example, > I value being with my family but there's nothing really to do about > it. I'm with them, I'm engaged but we're just kind of interacting > casually. If I weren't so anxious and depressed, it would just be an > ordinary day. But the part of me that wants to get better feels like > there must be something to do about it, make it some kind of > significant moment. Everyday life isn't like that, I know. But the > value isn't leading me to any different action. My desire to always > be taking action on values would just kind of impose on them, I think. > It would be weird and overbearing. My family really wants me to just > relax and not be so anxious.>> Or I want to be a good employee but there's not much I can do at the > moment that would be useful. Work kind of waxes and wanes for me and > when it's slow, I feel really useless. I've been trying to think of > things to do but it's a struggle and I don't come up with much.>> Or I value being a good friend but my friends don't need me at the > moment. I can send them good thoughts but that's about it.>> I hope what I'm trying to say is coming through. I feel like I have my > values in the right place but taking action on them is so vague and > unsatisfying. It's not leading to the long-term change in my life that > I'm hoping for. I feel like I>> -- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 hi Bruce My thoughts are .... your feelings are validated, how you feel is how you feel, there is no need to explain them nor to justify them to anyone or even yourself...this is simply how you feel about something. Ok, now that we got that out of the way, now what? Does your values need further clarification? Should you set some different goals aligned w these values, etc etc? I'm not sure how to say this, but maybe just say hey it's OK, this is how i feel. Now i have a choice, i can keep punishing myself or dismissing myself for things, or i can simply acknowledge my feelings, validate them if i can say so, and then decide how to move on or move forward, forward towards my value(s) somehow, or forward toward some goal, some little step by little step. Does this help? Tom p.s. (i think its when we dismiss our own feelings or somehow choose not to validate ourselves or we how we feel about something, that is when we get into trouble, that somehow we think we shouldn't be thinking about these things, or we shouldn't be having these feelings, or we shouldn't.... ) > > > > Hi Bruce > > Reading what you say, it feels like you are reaching your values quite > well but they aren't satisfying. I guess there are two possible causes? > > (a) It could mean that your values don't quite articulate what you want. > So " being with your family " - is there more to it than that? Your goals for > that value might be rather repetitive: " to go home on time " , or something > like that. Not all that imaginative? What else do you want to do? Is > there something you want to do with that time to make it more fulfilling? > (You might not - I'm speculating!) > > > > My value in this area is to " be a supportive and playful Dad " . I get set > so many goals around " being playful " and they change every week. We went > ice skating last week, and I have an enormous bruise on my knee to prove it! > > > > ( It could mean you are clinging onto something that you can't fulfill. > You may subconsciously be setting yourself a value of " I want to be with my > family, and be relaxed with them " . I guess that opens the door for > struggle. I try to set goals to go with my values, and make sure that the > goals are not things that my emotions can actually stop me from achieving. > (They can make it harder, but there's nothing but the paper cage to stop me) > > Good luck. I see much of myself if the inner debates you are having > > x > > > > ________________________________ > > > > To: ACT_for_the_Public > > Sent: Thursday, 13 October 2011, 23:10 > > Subject: Values vs. Action > > > > I'm doing pretty well on defining my values but what do you do when > > there's no real action to be taken in the present moment? For example, > > I value being with my family but there's nothing really to do about > > it. I'm with them, I'm engaged but we're just kind of interacting > > casually. If I weren't so anxious and depressed, it would just be an > > ordinary day. But the part of me that wants to get better feels like > > there must be something to do about it, make it some kind of > > significant moment. Everyday life isn't like that, I know. But the > > value isn't leading me to any different action. My desire to always > > be taking action on values would just kind of impose on them, I think. > > It would be weird and overbearing. My family really wants me to just > > relax and not be so anxious. > > > > Or I want to be a good employee but there's not much I can do at the > > moment that would be useful. Work kind of waxes and wanes for me and > > when it's slow, I feel really useless. I've been trying to think of > > things to do but it's a struggle and I don't come up with much. > > > > Or I value being a good friend but my friends don't need me at the > > moment. I can send them good thoughts but that's about it. > > > > I hope what I'm trying to say is coming through. I feel like I have my > > values in the right place but taking action on them is so vague and > > unsatisfying. It's not leading to the long-term change in my life that > > I'm hoping for. I feel like I > > > > > > -- > Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-T > Rochester, NY, US > http://darrellking.com > DarrellGKing@... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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