Re: Re: Introduction, confused and hurting

[Guest guest]

ya knnow, sounds kinda like my old situation...but my therapist helped me see that he was a loser and not benefiting me at all and my friends and family said the same thing. even our daughter said don't take him back. he soo, very soon, found and moved in with another victim. they say she is really nice. he is a con man and boy do i love con men. they are so good to you so they can get what they want at your expense. ii have been single for a year now and it was really hard at first. but now, since i have gotten to know myself better, i am so much more content. i like myself, i am worthy, i am enough. now i need to help others. signed up for volunteering with hospice. go to orientation this weekend. my daughter met a woman who she thinks i could be good

friends with and hooked us up. she is coming over this evening, our first meeting. i feel very vulernable but it is worth risking....OUT with the OLD and IN with the NEW. thats my montra now. good luck To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 3:49 PM

Subject: Re: Introduction, confused and hurting

Hello Tosia,

Steve's "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life" was the launching platform to a very unexpected journey for me too. Sorry to hear that your therapist was slow off the mark (gave it to you during the LAST session?), none the less, now you have the information and the tools you initially desired.

Relationships seem to be a constant struggle because there are so many elements to making them work. One book that helped me to understand how I respond in relationships is "ACT with Love" by Russ . Another thing that has helped me learn about interpersonal interactions is practicing being still for long enough to really be engaged with the other person. I notice what they are saying with their facial expressions and the tone changes in their voice. Sometimes I can hear their breath as I watch their torso moving. I ask myself, `exactly what is this persons objective in communicating this information?' It could be a story, a memory, instructions, advice, etc. All of that is really hard to stay with all the time so I take lightly (when possible) the times I drift off and leave the conversation. wrote a pretty cool book about all of that too, called "Mindfulness for Two".

Beyond all that, when I can't do anything in a particular life domain (for whatever reason), I act on a different one. In Steve's book, he created four areas of relationships; Parenting, Intimate, Family and Friends. In my day to day activities I can choose to pursue activities that add to any or many of them.

For example, I work with people who often experience boredom and frustration because of limited social opportunity however, these same people participate in their lives by jumping into group programs and making connections with others (be it fleeting for them). I stepped back to examine the actions of the people I work with and observed that this behaviour has great benefits for them. So...(and I don't know if it would be your thing, I'm just putting it out there) ...recently I have put myself into group mode, I asked, "If I am me, just me, the same one that has always been around from birth, What gives me a sense of joy?" OK, big question but the answer was quite simple (I kept in mind the philosophy of taking small steps), I en-joy playing Backgammon (the probability with two dice and the irony of long-shot throws at pertinent moments in the game, it gives me a rush and makes me laugh :-) so I contacted the local association and will meet them next

week to play. Of course that is my thing, I'm sure yours would be different. It may be worthwhile to jump into something that interests you, the bonus is that you get to meet new people. I think I'm limited when I can only focus on just one life domain, although sometimes it seems unavoidable, like living right, or being a human :-)

I hope there is something here that rings true for you.

All the best,

Lou

>

> Hello All,

>

> I joined this group last October when I started reading Get Out of Your

> Mind. I started reading it because my therapist suggested it the day of my

> last session with her. Twelve weeks prior I told her I wanted to learn some

> tools I could use on a daily basis and got nothing out of venting to her for an

> hour once a week. So I ended it because she offered me no tools, no homework,

> nothing â€" she just got me venting for an hour. But that day she said I might

> find something I was looking for in this book. Was she ever right about that!

> Too bad I had to pay $1200. to her before buying it for $25 from Amazon. Â

> Â

>

> I found it very powerful and empowering. Many exercises were

> “wow!� moments. I had such hope for myself for this coming new year.  Now, I am frustrated, overwhelmed and

> struggling on a day to day basis.

> Â

> I am older, single, successful, financially secure woman and

> in a miserable relationship with no obligation. We aren’t married, living

> together or even have keys to each others house. So why don’t I just leave or

> end it? That is my problem. That is why I went to the therapist. That is what I’ve

> done my whole life â€" I get involved with unstable, abusive men and stay there

> for a while. One I married. This one is going on three years now and the thought

> of that sickens me. Two men I stayed with for six years each. That is twelve

> years of my life I wasted!! I don't feel I'll ever find the answer to why I get involved in these types of relationships until I am free of this one.

> Â

> Reality is this man is a total loser: irresponsible, alcoholic,

> drug user, not fulfilling any emotional needs I have except random pleasant

> companionship when he's sober for a couple hours. He has no interest in

> anything I do or think or care about or want. He talks a good line and I agree

> with him wholeheartedly, but applies none of this to his life. Nothing that he

> claims to value is revealed in his character by the way he lives or conducts

> himself.

>

>

> I am lonely, I know that. I’m an introvert and really don’t

> need as much socialization as some people, but I do know I need more than

> talking to the grocery store clerk and co-workers. I have a few friends but

> they are sick of hearing about this man. They are embarrassed for me. So I stay

> away from them.

> Â

> For a day or two I feel strong and confident, stand my

> ground, don’t put up with his verbal and emotional insults and then I don’t

> know what happens. I have doubts, he talks about changing and as soon as I

> start listening he starts drinking and turns into this monster. I feel like I’m

> in an emotional blender. Then all I can manage to do is go to work and keep my

> house fairly clean. I haven’t even done my yoga for weeks, which was very good

> to settle my mind.

>

> Â

> I feel like I will just snap and my whole life will

> fall apart. I am so disgusted with myself for not standing up solidly for anything I value. He’ll be back in town

> tomorrow. I know if I tell him its over he’ll barrage me with text message

> raging insults about what a horrible person I am and how he was just getting

> over his brother’s death and is now ready to move on but I blew it by breaking

> up with him.

>

> Do I need to go back and read the book again? What part of the book can I turn to to help me now?

>

> Tosia

>