Have split up with my girlfriend months and feel a lot of desperation!

[Guest guest]

In January 2011 I have split up from my girlfriend. I'm 37 and she is 29. In

spite of my age it was the first real relationship in my life. This thing has

always been very difficult for me, even though there were some women who wanted

to be in a relationship with me, I always managed to not get into something

serious. The women were either not " good enough for me " or I was not good enough

for them. Every time I managed to kill a great opportunity with beautiful and

great women who were interested in me. Now I have the feeling of a strong

regrets and sadness of how I wasted my time and not have taken the chance to

grow in the past.

So why did we split. Her problem was that she had been over and over again

through many relationships that have ended quickly mainly through her how I

guess today. And my main problem was that she often broke out fights.

Before our last split up, we have already been separated twice. The first time

the initiative came from me and then at the second time she put under pressure

to make a decision whether I want to be together with her or not.

We were together for about 1 years and overall the relationship was harmonious

besides or our fights which were often caused by her insecurity of not " feeling

loved enough " and our incapacity to talk though it. She very often did not tell

directly what her problem was, rather she accused me for things which were in my

mind ridicules so that I was so angry at her that I need some time and space for

me to calm down. This again let her feel less and less loved and started a

vicious cycle. The more often she started to accuse me for something the more it

cooled down my emotions for her and the more I distant myself from her. The more

I distant myself from her the more she did not felt loved which caused again

more fights so that at the end when she pressured me to make a decision I could

not feel any love for her and split up with her. Now I really regret what has

happened and blame myself for not being strong enough to love her and cut

through her shit of not loving her.

At that time when we split up I felt very relieved and thought that my life

would start again and I would find someone more loving and more understanding.

Well it did not by far work out that way.

I did not feel going out and meeting someone and when I meet someone I got a lot

of rejections. And the more there was distance between us the more I felt my

desire for her and the more I could see her for what she was.

But my problems really started since April, when she told me that she has a new

boyfriend. This really knocked me down from my feets. Before that happened I

hoped that we will find a way to solve our relationship issues and get together

again, but now that she has someone new, she is not any more interested in

getting back with me. She says that she does not trust me anymore that I will

stay with her and not split up again.

And since I know this I feel consistently lovesick for almost 4 months and have

strong feelings of regret, anger, sadness, helplessness, hopelessness,

self-pity, loneliness and my self confidence has been down to zero.

In the first months after that I have worked with book " Get out of

your mind. " and the Happiness Trap. I tried defusion and expansion techniques

and worked on my values and also took action to find a new girlfriend. But I did

not had any success. I even could not get any date for now over 11 months. Women

I gave out my number did not call me back or did want to give out there numbers

to me. I even do not have friends around to go out or meet with them. So my mood

is quite down and I feel currently very helpless, hopeless and feel a lot of

self pity and self mistrust and loneliness. I have lost the willingness to do

anything and experience all the feelings of shame, loss, rejection and

unfulfilled hopes. For what should I be willing to experience these feelings if

nothing comes out of it.

It seems to me that the more I take action the more I am proving that it will

not work out and the more my limiting beliefs are getting solidified. So I have

stopped to take any action. And even if I am defusing from these thoughts and

take action it again only gets me in rejections which kill emotional stability

even more.

Currently my mind tells me that I am to ugly, stupid, unattractive, messed up,

too old to get the girlfriend that I am looking for. That I am a Turkish guy

living in germany and that even Turkish women do not want to get in relationship

with me because of the bad reputation of Turkish guy here in germany.

Now I even have considered to have plastic surgery on my nose which has been

several times been broken. People even have called it a potato nose , turnip

nose, etc. that I believe that women do only get attract to me if they got to

know me better and see me beyond my nose. But as I said I am hopeless and If I

look at my track record of 35 years without any serious relationship this does

not really help me to get back the trust in myself. It usual took me 2-3 years

till I could meet a girl that was interested. Even if I went out a lot of times

to meet someone I always messed it up in some way.

What should i do now? The more I try to do something, the more I lose hope. The

more I do not do something to find someone the more I lose the chance to meet

someone. I seem to me right now that I had my last chance with my last

girlfriend for any fulfilling relationship and that I have passed that chance to

ever someone like her.

I feel so trapped and hopeless and lovesick that I even cannot sleep the night

through although it is months ago that we have split up. I usually wake up at 5

pm in the morning cannot fall back to sleep and my mood usually is very bad till

the afternoon so that I do not have energy during the days and nights to take a

lot of valued action.

And I still love my ex girlfriend and want to get her back but at same time I am

scared that this only one of my avoidance patterns to not go out and find

someone new and get rejections again. (although rejections are not really my

problems but doing something and not getting anywhere is.)

Please help! Any suggestions or recommendations or feedback are very welcomed.

Einfach

Sorry for any misspelling but I am not a native English speaker. (german is my

first language)

[Guest guest]

Einfach - I'm sorry you are so sad. It's been a long time since I was lovesick but I remember the feeling clearly.Is it possible that you are trying too hard to find a mate? How about focusing some of that energy towards some of your other values? Get Out of Your Mind ... and The Happiness Trap both have excellent sections on values and committed action towards those values.Here is how the ACT core processes might be helpful to your particular situation:Defusion and acceptance/expansion - to help you let go of your struggle with finding a mate.Contact with the present - to help you focus on what's happening right now rather than on the past or future. I like the "Notice Five Things" exercise described near the end of chapter 17 of The Happiness Trap.Observing self - to help you take a step back and more objectively notice what's going on in your life, right here and right now. Have a look at chapter 23 of The Happiness Trap, especially noticing that you are noticing.VALUES AND COMMITTED ACTION - Invest your time and energy across all of your values rather than just one. Take some committed action, no matter how small, towards some or all of your values every day, no matter how poorly you feel.Your English is quite good. Please let me know if I can help clarify any of what I've said. Out here in the wild west of Colorado we don't speak the Queen's English, as my English friends can attest.BillTo: ACT_for_the_Public From: einfach_das@...Date: Sun, 21 Aug 2011 09:12:42 +0000Subject: Have split up with my girlfriend months and feel a lot of desperation!

In January 2011 I have split up from my girlfriend. I'm 37 and she is 29. In spite of my age it was the first real relationship in my life. This thing has always been very difficult for me, even though there were some women who wanted to be in a relationship with me, I always managed to not get into something serious. The women were either not "good enough for me" or I was not good enough for them. Every time I managed to kill a great opportunity with beautiful and great women who were interested in me. Now I have the feeling of a strong regrets and sadness of how I wasted my time and not have taken the chance to grow in the past.

So why did we split. Her problem was that she had been over and over again through many relationships that have ended quickly mainly through her how I guess today. And my main problem was that she often broke out fights.

Before our last split up, we have already been separated twice. The first time the initiative came from me and then at the second time she put under pressure to make a decision whether I want to be together with her or not.

We were together for about 1 years and overall the relationship was harmonious besides or our fights which were often caused by her insecurity of not "feeling loved enough" and our incapacity to talk though it. She very often did not tell directly what her problem was, rather she accused me for things which were in my mind ridicules so that I was so angry at her that I need some time and space for me to calm down. This again let her feel less and less loved and started a vicious cycle. The more often she started to accuse me for something the more it cooled down my emotions for her and the more I distant myself from her. The more I distant myself from her the more she did not felt loved which caused again more fights so that at the end when she pressured me to make a decision I could not feel any love for her and split up with her. Now I really regret what has happened and blame myself for not being strong enough to love her and cut through her shit of not loving her.

At that time when we split up I felt very relieved and thought that my life would start again and I would find someone more loving and more understanding. Well it did not by far work out that way.

I did not feel going out and meeting someone and when I meet someone I got a lot of rejections. And the more there was distance between us the more I felt my desire for her and the more I could see her for what she was.

But my problems really started since April, when she told me that she has a new boyfriend. This really knocked me down from my feets. Before that happened I hoped that we will find a way to solve our relationship issues and get together again, but now that she has someone new, she is not any more interested in getting back with me. She says that she does not trust me anymore that I will stay with her and not split up again.

And since I know this I feel consistently lovesick for almost 4 months and have strong feelings of regret, anger, sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, self-pity, loneliness and my self confidence has been down to zero.

In the first months after that I have worked with book "Get out of your mind." and the Happiness Trap. I tried defusion and expansion techniques and worked on my values and also took action to find a new girlfriend. But I did not had any success. I even could not get any date for now over 11 months. Women I gave out my number did not call me back or did want to give out there numbers to me. I even do not have friends around to go out or meet with them. So my mood is quite down and I feel currently very helpless, hopeless and feel a lot of self pity and self mistrust and loneliness. I have lost the willingness to do anything and experience all the feelings of shame, loss, rejection and unfulfilled hopes. For what should I be willing to experience these feelings if nothing comes out of it.

It seems to me that the more I take action the more I am proving that it will not work out and the more my limiting beliefs are getting solidified. So I have stopped to take any action. And even if I am defusing from these thoughts and take action it again only gets me in rejections which kill emotional stability even more.

Currently my mind tells me that I am to ugly, stupid, unattractive, messed up, too old to get the girlfriend that I am looking for. That I am a Turkish guy living in germany and that even Turkish women do not want to get in relationship with me because of the bad reputation of Turkish guy here in germany.

Now I even have considered to have plastic surgery on my nose which has been several times been broken. People even have called it a potato nose , turnip nose, etc. that I believe that women do only get attract to me if they got to know me better and see me beyond my nose. But as I said I am hopeless and If I look at my track record of 35 years without any serious relationship this does not really help me to get back the trust in myself. It usual took me 2-3 years till I could meet a girl that was interested. Even if I went out a lot of times to meet someone I always messed it up in some way.

What should i do now? The more I try to do something, the more I lose hope. The more I do not do something to find someone the more I lose the chance to meet someone. I seem to me right now that I had my last chance with my last girlfriend for any fulfilling relationship and that I have passed that chance to ever someone like her.

I feel so trapped and hopeless and lovesick that I even cannot sleep the night through although it is months ago that we have split up. I usually wake up at 5 pm in the morning cannot fall back to sleep and my mood usually is very bad till the afternoon so that I do not have energy during the days and nights to take a lot of valued action.

And I still love my ex girlfriend and want to get her back but at same time I am scared that this only one of my avoidance patterns to not go out and find someone new and get rejections again. (although rejections are not really my problems but doing something and not getting anywhere is.)

Please help! Any suggestions or recommendations or feedback are very welcomed.

Einfach

Sorry for any misspelling but I am not a native English speaker. (german is my first language)

[Guest guest]

Nice, Bill. How often have I run into the reality model that defines happiness has having a significant other? It is a pervasive concept across many cultures.D

>  >> Einfach - I'm sorry you are so sad. It's been a long time since I was lovesick but I remember the feeling clearly.> Is it possible that you are trying too hard to find a mate? How about focusing some of that energy towards some of your other values? Get Out of Your Mind ... and  The Happiness Trap both have excellent sections on values and committed action towards those values.

> Here is how the ACT core processes might be helpful to your particular situation:> Defusion and acceptance/expansion - to help you let go of your struggle with finding a mate.> Contact with the present - to help you focus on what's happening right now rather than on the past or future. I like the " Notice Five Things " exercise described near the end of chapter 17 of The Happiness Trap.

> Observing self - to help you take a step back and more objectively notice what's going on in your life, right here and right now. Have a look at chapter 23 of The Happiness Trap, especially noticing that you are noticing.

> VALUES AND COMMITTED ACTION - Invest your time and energy across all of your values rather than just one. Take some committed action, no matter how small, towards some or all of your values every day, no matter how poorly you feel.

> Your English is quite good. Please let me know if I can help clarify any of what I've said. Out here in the wild west of Colorado we don't speak the Queen's English, as my English friends can attest.> Bill

>> ________________________________> To: ACT_for_the_Public > From: einfach_das@...

> Date: Sun, 21 Aug 2011 09:12:42 +0000> Subject: Have split up with my girlfriend months and feel a lot of desperation!>>  > In January 2011 I have split up from my girlfriend. I'm 37 and she is 29. In spite of my age it was the first real relationship in my life. This thing has always been very difficult for me, even though there were some women who wanted to be in a relationship with me, I always managed to not get into something serious. The women were either not " good enough for me " or I was not good enough for them. Every time I managed to kill a great opportunity with beautiful and great women who were interested in me. Now I have the feeling of a strong regrets and sadness of how I wasted my time and not have taken the chance to grow in the past.

>> So why did we split. Her problem was that she had been over and over again through many relationships that have ended quickly mainly through her how I guess today. And my main problem was that she often broke out fights.

>> Before our last split up, we have already been separated twice. The first time the initiative came from me and then at the second time she put under pressure to make a decision whether I want to be together with her or not.

>> We were together for about 1 years and overall the relationship was harmonious besides or our fights which were often caused by her insecurity of not " feeling loved enough " and our incapacity to talk though it. She very often did not tell directly what her problem was, rather she accused me for things which were in my mind ridicules so that I was so angry at her that I need some time and space for me to calm down. This again let her feel less and less loved and started a vicious cycle. The more often she started to accuse me for something the more it cooled down my emotions for her and the more I distant myself from her. The more I distant myself from her the more she did not felt loved which caused again more fights so that at the end when she pressured me to make a decision I could not feel any love for her and split up with her. Now I really regret what has happened and blame myself for not being strong enough to love her and cut through her shit of not loving her.

>> At that time when we split up I felt very relieved and thought that my life would start again and I would find someone more loving and more understanding. Well it did not by far work out that way.> I did not feel going out and meeting someone and when I meet someone I got a lot of rejections. And the more there was distance between us the more I felt my desire for her and the more I could see her for what she was.

>> But my problems really started since April, when she told me that she has a new boyfriend. This really knocked me down from my feets. Before that happened I hoped that we will find a way to solve our relationship issues and get together again, but now that she has someone new, she is not any more interested in getting back with me. She says that she does not trust me anymore that I will stay with her and not split up again.

>> And since I know this I feel consistently lovesick for almost 4 months and have strong feelings of regret, anger, sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, self-pity, loneliness and my self confidence has been down to zero.

>> In the first months after that I have worked with book " Get out of your mind. " and the Happiness Trap. I tried defusion and expansion techniques and worked on my values and also took action to find a new girlfriend. But I did not had any success. I even could not get any date for now over 11 months. Women I gave out my number did not call me back or did want to give out there numbers to me. I even do not have friends around to go out or meet with them. So my mood is quite down and I feel currently very helpless, hopeless and feel a lot of self pity and self mistrust and loneliness. I have lost the willingness to do anything and experience all the feelings of shame, loss, rejection and unfulfilled hopes. For what should I be willing to experience these feelings if nothing comes out of it.

> It seems to me that the more I take action the more I am proving that it will not work out and the more my limiting beliefs are getting solidified. So I have stopped to take any action. And even if I am defusing from these thoughts and take action it again only gets me in rejections which kill emotional stability even more.

>> Currently my mind tells me that I am to ugly, stupid, unattractive, messed up, too old to get the girlfriend that I am looking for. That I am a Turkish guy living in germany and that even Turkish women do not want to get in relationship with me because of the bad reputation of Turkish guy here in germany.

>> Now I even have considered to have plastic surgery on my nose which has been several times been broken. People even have called it a potato nose , turnip nose, etc. that I believe that women do only get attract to me if they got to know me better and see me beyond my nose. But as I said I am hopeless and If I look at my track r

>> -- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@...

[Guest guest]

Darrell, Bill, and Einfach,

I'm going to venture to disagree a little with both Darrell and

Bill. Not entirely - just on a couple of aspects.

First, saying that wanting a mate is a culturally imposed " reality

model " or " pervasive concept " does not seem to me to be helpful for

someone who actually does want a mate. It is possible to live a deep

and full life without a mate. It is also okay to want a mate even if

the wanting is painful. Let us honor each other's values.

Second, this bit about deferring a key value to work on other

values: yes and no. " Yes " very much, in the sense that there are

many ways to connect with life; and if we find ourselves unable for

now to move forward in a particular domain, other domains may still

give us such a deep connection. Bill's general advice to Einfach in

this regard is spot on. And I remember a wonderful post by Russ

to the same effect.

But also, in another sense, " No, " and a very strong no. I believe

there are are many, many people on this list - including me - who

have gotten hung up on learning and applying ACT because a key area

seemed blocked in exactly the way that Einfach describes:

" It seems to me that the more I take action the more I am proving

that it will not work out and the more my limiting beliefs are

getting solidified. So I have stopped taking any action. "

I can empathize with these words big time. And I would suggest that

the pain of seeming blocked in an important area be acknowledged for

what it is, and not pushed away. Pushing away contributes to

avoidance, even if the pushing seems to be in the name of " other

values. " Small steps are good ... deferring a tough domain for a

while can work well ... but let us not push away pain even by

accident. Let us honor it whether it is ours or someone else's.

And beyond that, I think when we do seem to be failing badly in our

immediate efforts, and have thoughts that a value is not for us, it

becomes an opportunity to revisit what committed action consists of.

It is not about measuring our self-worth by whether we reach a

particular goal on a particular schedule; it is about living a

valued life here and now, moment by moment, choice by choice - the

sweet and the bitter together. It is cultivating a willingness to

reach out to life even when reaching out is difficult. It is about

learning through failure, not about " succeeding without failure. " No

one succeeds without failure - no one. Success is not guaranteed.

And yet we can reach out to life even so and know we are alive.

I recognize that Einfach is working with a difficult issue.

Relationships are very tough. Career is very tough. Illness and

health are very tough. I defy anyone to find a domain where things

are not very tough at times.

I think there are ways to explore, slowly, gently - with small steps

if need be, or maybe even taking a time out - the situations where

it seems that all we can do is fail. I wish I had a good book to

refer to right now. But I can say that withdrawing from one domain

because of difficulties is not necessarily a way to promote success

in other domains. The same processes work across all domains.

Please feel free to disagree with what I say, Darren and Bill. As I

say I think Bill's advice is in general excellent. It is only that I

think growth can sometimes be found in the strangest of places -

e.g. by moving gently closer to actual failure and to the fear of

failure, rather than farther away.

Einfach, if I can find a good example from an ACT book of what I am

talking about in regard to committed action, I will post it here.

Good luck!

- Randy