Re: My Lecture to the Muslim Women on Saturday:-)

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing the outcome. It sounds like you did well and so did the

group. They will never suffer as long if they just remember your talk. Quite an

acomplishment. They are definetly interested and with good questions.Questions

they have all had but no where to ask before.

Lin

>

>

> Hi my dear group members:-)

>

> There so many imp. posts right now, so many people with concerns & questions,

and i feel soooo guilty writing my email, but i have been meaning to share my

expereince with u'll (as u'll and this group has been a tremendous support for

me) and if i don't do it now, i might not ever get it done.

>

> Saturday was my talk at a monthly event i organize here with my halaqa for the

muslim community here. This time the audience was 20 muslim women. Small no.

becoz of the location & becoz babysitting was not provided.

>

> My Topic was " Get out of your mind and create a life worth living " :-)

> and my purpose: to open up to the muslim community as one of them, a muslim

sister in islam, who has sufferd for years from anxiety as a result of racism

and prejudice. Also to break this stigma in our community about mental health

disorders and psycholigical suffering being such a taboo.

>

> My lecture (which turned out to be a 2 1/2 long talk..shoot.. was about the

1s part of the happiness trap. I wrote my notes (12 pages) based on that. and

used worksheets from happninesstrap.com to use them during lecture as in class

exercises.

>

> I have always been a perfectionist + from where i come, all my life the only

way i studied was to memorize my notes. As a kid my memory was great, as

> a 33 yr old woman, i think i have amnesia. But anyways i decided, since i am

already gonna be expanding to make room for anxiety, i am gonna expand enough so

that i can make enough room for the immense anxiety that would come from , for

the very 1st time, doing a long presentation without memoring my talk,

> and simply reading my notes once b4 leavinf for the event. My notes were about

my struggles, about the misconceptions as pointed out in the book, about misused

control stratergies, basically everything i was doing wrong all these years, it

wasn't stuff i essencially needed to memorise, the pain and the suffering was

coming from within, it was real, what i learnt from ACT was something i was

alreday applying, so thought to myself , howabout i speak from my heart

> and c how it goes, pehaps people will connect and relate better, or perhaps it

will come out gibberish. So to tell ya the truth guys, this was a huuuuuuuuuuuge

thing for me, to techincally " not prepare " for a talk where i was the ONLY

person talking.

>

> When it was time for me to start the talk, i requested we all move to the

formal living room (coz it was much bigger and i woud not feel as clautrophobic

talking). i could have talked in the family room too coz it would have fit

everyone, that would be challanging myself too much though with already what i

> had on my plate, but i didn't think it necessary to put myself through so

much, after all i wasn't aiming to be in the next episode of 'fear factor'

>

> I started my talk with showing people how nervous i was. I asked one person to

come and feel my palms to feel how cold they were. I showed them how

> sweaty they were.Should them what presentaion anxiety looked like. Usually i

have a flused face too, and trembling jaw while smiling, but a few anxiety

symptoms have gradually subsided (beneficial by-product;), but bottom line, i

try my level best not to focus on what has subsided, howmuch, coz

> monitoring my physical sensations takes me away from the present moment & from

experecing it fully as it is.

>

> Then i spoke about my anxiety, my struggle, my attacks, my agouraphobia, by

socail anxiety, my presentation anxiety etc etc.

>

> Then spoke briefly about ACT & Dr. Steve the originator, and Joann, and

my intesinve program in Chicago. And Russ Hariss and this book.

>

> then went into detail about miconceptions about happiness, about diff. types

of control straterfies (flight vs fight), used tons an tons of eg. everyone

> participate in the in class exercises (like we would do in joann's therapy)

, to show how if u try to supress/rid/avoid/challange ur

thoughts/feeelings/sensations/emotions/images it doesn't really work.

>

> Some egs. i used from concerns some freinds had brought up via email. others

i used russ harri's but changed names to e.g. Aisha and Ahmad, &

> scenario a little bit so they could relate better:-)

>

> At one time this person commented out loud, " sis. sarah u don't look nervous

at all, u sound so confident, i don't c any nervousness " . I told her " Jazakallah

Khair sis. for the compliment. but to tell u the truth it really does't matter

to me if i appear nervous or not, as i don't c it as being a 'bad' thing anymore

that i need to supresss to be able to present today. If u look at my palms,

theyr still sweaty, not as cold anymore, coz i am so focused on what i am doing

in this moment, which is trying to reach out to u'll and tell u'll how normal it

is to feel pain, it is how u react to it is what matters. I am letting my

unpleasant sensations

> just be while being present here and now. "

>

> I was talking about something, now i don't remember, but another sis. started

to cry. she felt very embarassed and was apologizing. I didn't offer her a

tissue, i didn't think i needed to, there was no snot, i didn't want her to feel

embarassed hence cover her face. i also wanted people to c how imp. it is to

just let ur emotions be, express em when u need to, there's no embarassment. i

wanted others to feel comfortable with her crying, she felt pain at that moment,

> she was crying to express her pain. Not beig able to do this with ur friends,

with ur community, once again reenforces this stigma that pain is abnormal,

suffering is an embarassement. I talked to her while she cried and let her talk

too while others listened.

>

> Also when i was talking about how i would get major panic attacks when

racially attacked in public, this sister spoke out saying if she were in my

place, she would yell and scare the heck out of that person. And i told her &

the others that knowing i cannot do something like that,actually doesn't say

anything about me. doesn't say i am a weak person, doesn't say i can't stand up

for myself or am timid. it only says that i 'perceived' that situtaion to be

much more threatening that perhaps that pertiular sis. would, hence my reaction

(major anxiety) was infact normal. as anxiety is a normal reaction to a

perceived threatening situtation. I also mentioned that while that sis. had no

bad intention when she said that, somtimes comments can be hurtful no doubt, but

how we react to them is completely up to us.

>

> Another person mentioned , internal pain is diff. but how about pain being

inflicted upon us by others. she was referring to inlaws.

> And i said mine had a lot to do with 'others' attacking me, as in racial

attacks. We don't have control over others opinions, thoughts, temperments, and

it is natural to feel hurt and feel pain when u r attacked, whether racially or

otherwise. but what u do after that is up to u. how u react to that pain,

> whcih was in that moment. will u confine it to that moment?, or will u bring

it home with u i.e. will u dwell over it, will u dwell over what alreday

> happned and now is the moment of the past, will u worry over something bad

hapening in the future. all this is equal to suffering and the period of

> suffering is something u have complete control over.

>

> When we expereince pain, anxiety, sadness, the least we can do for ouselves

is show some kindnes and compassion towards ouselves at the moment we expreince

that feeling, instead of comparing ourslves to others and perhaps how they would

react, which would only result in self critsim, low self esteem,

> all sorts of unnecessary judgements about ourselves and our painful expreince.

>

> i touched on the concept of willingness, a little about present moment,

defusion, values. but very very briefly and very general, very basic. coz i told

them

> i am not giving u a " cure " for ur struggles. i am here as someone on the same

boat, but is using these tools, and i am simply sharing with u the tools.

> i also told them that what i wanted them to get out of this 2 1/2 long lecture

was not the " cure " to anxiety,depression etc. but just knowing that if what they

have been doing all these years has not been working, then it's time to try

something diff. also to realize control startergies don't work, pain is normal.

it is enevitable.

> aim to live a life of vitality instead of chasing after the " feeling good "

sensation all the time. Pain & suffering being an evitable part of life. incat

part of a full rich and meaningfull life etc. etc.

>

> shoooooooooooot, i am soooooooo sorry my email is giiinormouuuuuus again.

> but bottom line, my presentation was just fine:-) i know i rambled off quite a

lot, just like i do here in my writing too, but i always get carried away when i

am very passionate about something and start talking, hence 2 1/2 hr long

lecture;)...hehe... my next talk will be getting more into ACT, as in 'then how

to react to pain " so if bascially what expanding/accepting is about. how do u

do it, what is this observing self, how do u come in conact with present moment

with so much mind chatter etc etc...this is stuff that i don't know fully myself

and am learning myself and will just be sharing with them as i learn, so

obviosuly will not be great, acurate, but it will be simply my expreince of how

i use the tools...also next will be at our community center/mosque so people

attending will be will be 20 x 3 :-). but subhanallah, willingness is something

i learnt ,where u can't be sorta willing, willingnesss to have anxiety means

just that. willing to have it period!. Plus the 'self as context' or the

observers perspective is a great tool to have and use, when it comes to being

'willing'. so i am looking forward to the next insha'allah.

>

>

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>

>

> NOW what i am about to write, MIGHT NOT be useful to MOST in the list, BUT i

am ONLY writing if there r muslims on this list, or therapists who have muslim

patenits, or in muslim countries and just wondering what obsticales could come

when using act on that community...coz i am a part of a couple support groups,

and i occasionally get emails from members asking if i am muslim and how does

therapy work for me.

> I promise i won't post such detial again, as i understand it could seem like i

am preaching...I APOLOGIZE if it does.

>

>

>

> here r some questions MUSLIM sisters brought up at that lecture which i

answered:

>

> Q: sis. sarah , in islam we r suppopsed to put our total trust on allah when

we r afflicted by pain, then how can we seek therapy for our mental health

problems?

> A: Recall Hadith, where the prophet (saws) reminds the bedouin, tie ur camel

first, and then pur ur trust in allah. where the bedioun was leaving his camel

untied saying i put my trust in God. Which means U DO UR PART first, and then

put ur trust in god. U have migraine, u don't start praying, u take a motrin,

and then u pray that god relieves ur pain.

>

> Q. How about instead, next time , we could have an islamic scholar give an

islamic perspective of Therapy?

> A: there is no such thing as 'psychotherapy from an islamic perspective'. U

want an islamic scholar to talk about Psychotheapy. If he has 'studied it and is

qualified then by all means he should. But just becoz he is religious, dodesn't

mean he can cure all suffeings. What does Islam say about therapy, NOTHING, just

seek it from an expert if u need it. Just like u r gonna go to a gyno. to

deliver a baby and not to a sheikha. Education is emphased greatly in islam for

both men and women. Going out and seeking knowledge in every field. Not just

islamic knowledge. hence there tons of hadiths about just that.

>

> Q. I have been through therapy (cbt) and i don't think therapy is something we

as muslims can really do, i was told my thouhgts r too obsessive..i suffer from

ocd about religion etc. ect.

> A. This is where i have found ACT to work really well with Muslims. While in

CBT often u r asked to challange ur thoughts, analyze them , ask urself if ur

thought is even rational or not, that's where i found that someone can be

classified as a person suffering from scrupiosity. or as that sis. said

suffering from

> ocd about religion or God, becoz if ur therapist is not a muslim/woman/same

culture/origin/religion then how would he/she know for sure if it's not u but

perhaps ur religion/cultural beliefs that teaches u that

> In ACT, it dosn't matter if ur thought is true or not, of it is rational or

not, all that matters is , is it helpful to u or not in moving forward. e.g. if

i am having thoughts that could be considered sinful in islam. if i dwell on

them, is it simply resulting in self crtitism, self inflicted guilt, and nothing

else. also is it preoccupying me so much that i am simply sitting and dwelling

over being a sinner for simply having thoughts, once again not worth it. not

moving forward. doesn't matter what thougths they r, they r preventing u from

taking any action, hence best to let them just be without paying too much

attention to them and keep doing what u need to do...simple

>

> Q. Does ACT conflict with Islam in any way?

> A. Nope. ACT is very neutral. It does not conflict with islam neither does it

follow islamic principles. It is however, from what i am starting to realize,

the only therpay which can reach out to all sorts of people from all religious

backgrounds/cultures/lifestyle/ struggles etc etc. .becoz of :

> (1) whether ur thoughts r true or fase doesn;t matter, what matters is whther

focusing on them is helpful or not

> (2) the concept of " the observing self " and " the self as context " actually

do not contradict islam at all. infact au contraire

> The idea that i am more than just what i expereince, that i am a whole being,

there is

> infact more to me than just this immense pain and suffering. how sometimes

our painful experiences of life seem to be so overwhelming

> & overpowering that we feel like we are defined by them & we

> start experiencing them as if that is the 'only reality' of the

> moment, that's who we are, that's all that is to experience at that

> very moment. Steppig back from that thinking self, then another step back to

the observer self, then yet another step back into self as context..and then

seeing urself as nothing but simply 'I AM.'

> Pain being an inevitable part of life. happiness being about experecing the

whole range of human emotions that life hasta offer etc etc... none of this

contradicts islam. Infact one of the verses that states " allah does not burden a

soul more than it can bear " is refering to all this as well.

>

> Q. Act preaches the same thing as positive thinking then?

> A. not excatly. Positive thinking is yet another radio playing in the back

ground, as loud as the Neg. thinking Radio, hence creating additional noise,

coz now one is trying to overpower the other, resulting in u losing ur contact

with the present moment as it is. How about u let that neg. radio play,

acknowdge it, yet keep doing what is meaninful to u in that moment. e.g. u

enjoing ur delicouls food and conversation with ur partner at the restaurant

while music playing simulanously.

>

>

> Q. if i have marital problems and c a male therapist , what if i start having

feelings for him , shouldn't i b seeing a woman only?

> A. that's called 'transference'. therapists r trained to deal with that. if

ur marrital problems r a result of lack of commincation between u guys, then if

u feeel like when u start confiding in ur therapist and him understadning u

could infact make u feel emotionally attached, then sure seek a female, as even

b4 seeing one, u alreday know something like this could happen. even if it's

just ur paranoia, once again, this obsessive thought, is adding one xtra

struggle on ur plate, to cope with , if u c a male. But u could easily have the

same problem if u confide in, ur best freinds hubby, or in a male relative, male

family frined, or if anyone of them show compassion towards ur marital struggle.

bottom line what U VALUE (if it's keepin ur marriage ) is what will help u

diffuse from UNHELPFUL thoughts like this, and take appropriate action whereever

needed.

>

>

>

> Q. Can u give this talk to our husbnds too, as they keep complaining we

> r always upset,depressed, sad, mad & now we know it is normal?

>

> A. Hehehe (thinkin in my head, a talk with arab men, ofcourse, just

> throw me to the lions!). YES ofcourse. But u whinning all

> the time, or ur moood off, is all something in ur control. that is how u

> choose to react to some unplesanant expereince, whether it is hurtful

> comments or anything. u feel hurt, true, being always depressed, always

> sad, always whinning about it, is infact self -inflicted suffering. The beauty

is u can choose HOW LONG u suffer.

>

>

>

>

> OBVIOUSLY all these r simply MY OPINIONS and not what a professional would

say:-) . Hence ended with telling them i would give them a list of ACT

therapists in LA (which i was given) so insha'allah who ever wishes to seek

professional help can do so...

>

>

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>

> SHOOOOOOOOOOT...i m scrolling up and i cannot belive i wrote sooo much, this

is not an email, IT IS A BOOK!!!...I AM SOOOOOO SORRY!

> if i have said anything hurtful or offended anyone, or sound like i am

preaching my religion, i do sincerely apologize. my intention is not that.

>

> wasalaam:-)

>