Confusssed

[Guest guest]

I need to start from the beginning because I don't know how to ask what I want

to ask. I'm 23 and a student in a small community college (~4500 students). This

girl recently sparked a mental breakdown in the works for what seems like a

lifetime. Now first off, I'm very shy. I never approach strangers unless I'm

asking them for the time or directions or something like that. I never initiated

a friendship. Talking to people is kind of uncomfortable, because I noticed I

have an irrational fear of saying the wrong thing and I start to feel anxious

and clam up, then I start to worry about how to keep the conversation going or

how I can end it without making them feel weird, then I start to think that they

must think I'm weird... that story. So, she started talking to me in class when

we got put into a discussion group. I sensed she was interested in me, but I

thought to myself that I'm crazy to think that. We started kind of flirting with

each other through texts, but every text I sent would be a while before I

actually responded because I had to calculate every single word. Then when we

started hanging out outside of class, that where I started to loose it. She is

super cute, really smart, and really comfortable with herself and that really

attracted me to her, but I never told her that. When I was around her, I was at

a constant loss of words. Every time I was around her, it was like I was stuck

in a mine field. Constantly watching my every action. And in the back of my

head, I thought " just be yourself. " That's when I realized I didn't know who I

was and it dawned on me that that's why I've never been intimate with anyone

before. After we hung out, I would play the entire episode back in my head,

imagining the " i should of did this... " " if i said that instead of... " all that

bullshit. After a while, she became less flirty and she stopped responding as

frequently like she used to. I still tried to keep it up, but sensed she wasn't

into it anymore. Then like a loon, I called her one night after she didn't

respond to my texts the entire day. I was distressed and probably came off crazy

but I felt I needed to confess that I had a crush on her. She gave me the cliche

that she had just gotten out of a long relationship. Instinctively, I told her I

knew she didn't like me and started to go into how I've never been intimate with

anyone ever and a bunch of shit I can't recall. She suggested I see a therapist,

which I ended up doing, but I became extremely depressed after that night. I

couldn't concentrate at all in school. I tried to go back to the class we had

together, but ended up not going because it was too hard to concentrate, it felt

like a waste of time, so I just took the F.

I started to see a therapist, but even with him it was hard talking with him

because I have a hard time getting my point across in my head, translating my

thoughts into comprehensive sentences is a feat in itself. And one thing he

insisted on me doing was start to take anti-depressants. But I told him I didn't

want to because it wasn't natural and I'm all about natural alternatives. So he

suggested I practice defusion and introduced ACT to me. I read the happiness

trap and started to practice the different techniques. I notices that it does

help dealing with my troublesome thoughts, memories, etc. But I feel like its

becoming another one of my defense mechanisms. I have no problem using it when

I'm alone, but when I'm around others, no matter who, my family, friends,

strangers, I'll always go to my safety zone aka my head. When I realize what I'm

doing, I question my values and that's where I get stuck. I don't know what I

value. I have ideas of things I should value, like my health, but I think my

motives are out of fear. I don't even know what I'm trying to ask anymore...

I'm a loner. A closet case. I'm aware that I am a loner, that I have a fear of

rejection, that I repress most all of my emotions and have been for quite some

time, I never felt loved, and a plethora of other shit. I don't know how to fix

them or how to reverse them. I want feel a connection with others because I've

never felt that before. I'm very disconnect with myself and my emotions and

don't think I can connect with others. How do you connect to others?