Re: Oh what to do

January 8, 2012

I've been there, Birgit. I married my 2nd husband on the rebound - he was an excellent friend, steady, kind, nice, and he loved me so much. Up to and including our wedding day, I told him I didn't love him the way he loved me, and he kept saying "Marry me anyway; I'll take my chances and hope you will return my feelings one day." We separated about two years later when he took a job in another state (partially to see whether that would make "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and divorced two years after that when his absence just made me happier! We are still great friends and stay in touch. My first husband was the love of my life, and it appears he always will be (at my age). I have no regrets.

BUT ... there are children involved with you and your partner. Mike and I didn't have any. That throws a serious wrinkle into things. If I were you - and I am not, but I hear your pain and think I understand it - I might stick it out until the kids are fully grown. They're almost there. However, if that sucks the life out of you in the meantime, I might try to get out of the marriage before then, knowing that the kids are old enough to understand and avoid the psychological damage that happens to very young kids when their parents separate because they just can't comprehend it (they blame themselves). Your kids would most likely handle a separation very well, given the right counseling and love. So you do have a hefty decision to make, and only you can make it (damn it!).

I would try to reach a decision on what you are going to do, then live with that. Try to find some peace in whatever decision you make and make your life as meaningful as you can within that decision. If you remain married, find some interests that take you places you can't go within the constrains of your marriage (other than having an affair, which is poison!). Find some new social interests, hobbies to excite you, etc. Also, you could investigate other ways of becoming more financially independent - I know, that sounds like moronic advice in this economy - but look anyway!

No matter what you decide, no decision has to remain permanent. Life ebbs and flows and new opportunities arise in every moment. You are not necessarily stuck, even though it feels that way. Keep your eyes open for those knocks at the door - who knows what awaits on the other side.

Best of luck, and I'll be thinking of you. It was good to hear from you again.

Helena

From: "Birgit Werner" <birgitwerner68@....au>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 4:01:53 AMSubject: Oh what to do

Hi allMaybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share. Don't want to talk to friends. I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm so bored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just am not attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6 years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, we have 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys just turned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy is almost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we got together I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which is what I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What's keeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better off financially staying here. I have often thought about my values and what's important to me and it's been giving my boys security and stability. But I feel so dead, bored and empty. I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in the loud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out. Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place of my own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see a future with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless, just functional. Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I ever be with anyone where there's passion? I feel confused and ungrateful. Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing on myself more? I just want to feel again. Feel alive. Thanks for listening and sorry for barging in with my storyBirgit Sent from my iPhone

January 8, 2012

Ok Helena, There is nobody here...there is nobody to paint the landscape of our experience. No one to guide us to what is yours as you know the future, future...Do we die? NO...We ask....Is that all there is? What happens now? THAT"S IT REALLY! Really! Lou To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Sunday, 8 January 2012 8:47 PM Subject: Re: Oh what to do

I've been there, Birgit. I married my 2nd husband on the rebound - he was an excellent friend, steady, kind, nice, and he loved me so much. Up to and including our wedding day, I told him I didn't love him the way he loved me, and he kept saying "Marry me anyway; I'll take my chances and hope you will return my feelings one day." We separated about two years later when he took a job in another state (partially to see whether that would make "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and divorced two years after that when his absence just made me happier! We are still great friends and stay in touch. My first husband was the love of my life, and it appears he always will be (at my age). I have no regrets.

BUT ... there are children involved with you and your partner. Mike and I didn't have any. That throws a serious wrinkle into things. If I were you - and I am not, but I hear your pain and think I understand it - I might stick it out until the kids are fully grown. They're almost there. However, if that sucks the life out of you in the meantime, I might try to get out of the marriage before then, knowing that the kids are old enough to understand and avoid the psychological damage that happens to very young kids when their parents separate because they just can't comprehend it (they blame themselves). Your kids would most likely handle a separation very well, given the right counseling and love. So you do have a hefty decision to make, and only you can make it (damn it!).

I would try to reach a decision on what you are going to do, then live with that. Try to find some peace in whatever decision you make and make your life as meaningful as you can within that decision. If you remain married, find some interests that take you places you can't go within the constrains of your marriage (other than having an affair, which is poison!). Find some new social interests, hobbies to excite you, etc. Also, you could investigate other ways of becoming more financially independent - I know, that sounds like moronic advice in this economy - but look anyway!

No matter what you decide, no decision has to remain permanent. Life ebbs and flows and new opportunities arise in every moment. You are not necessarily stuck, even though it feels that way. Keep your eyes open for those knocks at the door - who knows what awaits on the other side.

Best of luck, and I'll be thinking of you. It was good to hear from you again.

Helena

From: "Birgit Werner" <birgitwerner68@....au>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 4:01:53 AMSubject: Oh what to do

Hi allMaybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share. Don't want to talk to friends. I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm so bored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just am not attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6 years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, we have 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys just turned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy is almost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we got together I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which is what I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What's keeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better off financially staying here. I have often thought about my values and what's important to me and it's been giving my boys security and stability. But I feel so dead, bored and empty. I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in the loud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out. Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place of my own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see a future with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless, just functional. Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I ever be with anyone where there's passion? I feel confused and ungrateful. Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing on myself more? I just want to feel again. Feel alive. Thanks for listening and sorry for barging in with my storyBirgit Sent from my iPhone

January 8, 2012

You are right smack in the middle of living right now. Dying is in the future. Live now. You don't really have a choice, do you? Unless you commit suicide, and that is not an option for you, as I have come to know you.

It's "Get out of your mind," Lou - NOT "Go out of your mind!" (hehe)

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 5:53:29 AMSubject: Re: Oh what to do

Ok Helena, There is nobody here...there is nobody to paint the landscape of our experience. No one to guide us to what is yours as you know the future, future...Do we die? NO...We ask....Is that all there is?

What happens now? THAT"S IT REALLY!

Really!

Lou

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Sunday, 8 January 2012 8:47 PMSubject: Re: Oh what to do

I've been there, Birgit. I married my 2nd husband on the rebound - he was an excellent friend, steady, kind, nice, and he loved me so much. Up to and including our wedding day, I told him I didn't love him the way he loved me, and he kept saying "Marry me anyway; I'll take my chances and hope you will return my feelings one day." We separated about two years later when he took a job in another state (partially to see whether that would make "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and divorced two years after that when his absence just made me happier! We are still great friends and stay in touch. My first husband was the love of my life, and it appears he always will be (at my age). I have no regrets.

BUT ... there are children involved with you and your partner. Mike and I didn't have any. That throws a serious wrinkle into things. If I were you - and I am not, but I hear your pain and think I understand it - I might stick it out until the kids are fully grown. They're almost there. However, if that sucks the life out of you in the meantime, I might try to get out of the marriage before then, knowing that the kids are old enough to understand and avoid the psychological damage that happens to very young kids when their parents separate because they just can't comprehend it (they blame themselves). Your kids would most likely handle a separation very well, given the right counseling and love. So you do have a hefty decision to make, and only you can make it (damn it!).

I would try to reach a decision on what you are going to do, then live with that. Try to find some peace in whatever decision you make and make your life as meaningful as you can within that decision. If you remain married, find some interests that take you places you can't go within the constrains of your marriage (other than having an affair, which is poison!). Find some new social interests, hobbies to excite you, etc. Also, you could investigate other ways of becoming more financially independent - I know, that sounds like moronic advice in this economy - but look anyway!

No matter what you decide, no decision has to remain permanent. Life ebbs and flows and new opportunities arise in every moment. You are not necessarily stuck, even though it feels that way. Keep your eyes open for those knocks at the door - who knows what awaits on the other side.

Best of luck, and I'll be thinking of you. It was good to hear from you again.

Helena

From: "Birgit Werner" <birgitwerner68@....au>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 4:01:53 AMSubject: Oh what to do

Hi allMaybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share. Don't want to talk to friends. I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm so bored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just am not attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6 years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, we have 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys just turned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy is almost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we got together I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which is what I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What's keeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better off financially staying here. I have often thought about my values and what's important to me and it's been giving my boys security and stability. But I feel so dead, bored and empty. I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in the loud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out. Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place of my own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see a future with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless, just functional. Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I ever be with anyone where there's passion? I feel confused and ungrateful. Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing on myself more? I just want to feel again. Feel alive. Thanks for listening and sorry for barging in with my storyBirgit Sent from my iPhone

January 8, 2012

Hi Lou,

Have you tried ACT with Love - Russ ? I know a bit where you are coming from. I would say create your own life and don't wait for any man to fill you up. Fill yourself up with all that life has to offer.

'But I feel so dead, bored and empty' sounds like you are waiting for life to come to you. There is plenty of good stuff out there to crack the 'dead bored and empty' feeling. Just needs a bit of creativity and a bit of defusion from those words.And you don't need to leave your marriage.

'Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing on myself more' - what's stopping you?Whats wrong with focussing on yourself even as you make time for your kids too?

It's all within yourself. Everything you seek is right here inside you.

Best Wishes

Simone

To: "ACT_for_the_Public " <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Sunday, 8 January 2012, 10:53Subject: Re: Oh what to do

Ok Helena, There is nobody here...there is nobody to paint the landscape of our experience. No one to guide us to what is yours as you know the future, future...Do we die? NO...We ask....Is that all there is?

What happens now? THAT"S IT REALLY!

Really!

Lou

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Sunday, 8 January 2012 8:47 PMSubject: Re: Oh what to do

I've been there, Birgit. I married my 2nd husband on the rebound - he was an excellent friend, steady, kind, nice, and he loved me so much. Up to and including our wedding day, I told him I didn't love him the way he loved me, and he kept saying "Marry me anyway; I'll take my chances and hope you will return my feelings one day." We separated about two years later when he took a job in another state (partially to see whether that would make "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and divorced two years after that when his absence just made me happier! We are still great friends and stay in touch. My first husband was the love of my life, and it appears he always will be (at my age). I have no regrets.

BUT ... there are children involved with you and your partner. Mike and I didn't have any. That throws a serious wrinkle into things. If I were you - and I am not, but I hear your pain and think I understand it - I might stick it out until the kids are fully grown. They're almost there. However, if that sucks the life out of you in the meantime, I might try to get out of the marriage before then, knowing that the kids are old enough to understand and avoid the psychological damage that happens to very young kids when their parents separate because they just can't comprehend it (they blame themselves). Your kids would most likely handle a separation very well, given the right counseling and love. So you do have a hefty decision to make, and only you can make it (damn it!).

I would try to reach a decision on what you are going to do, then live with that. Try to find some peace in whatever decision you make and make your life as meaningful as you can within that decision. If you remain married, find some interests that take you places you can't go within the constrains of your marriage (other than having an affair, which is poison!). Find some new social interests, hobbies to excite you, etc. Also, you could investigate other ways of becoming more financially independent - I know, that sounds like moronic advice in this economy - but look anyway!

No matter what you decide, no decision has to remain permanent. Life ebbs and flows and new opportunities arise in every moment. You are not necessarily stuck, even though it feels that way. Keep your eyes open for those knocks at the door - who knows what awaits on the other side.

Best of luck, and I'll be thinking of you. It was good to hear from you again.

Helena

From: "Birgit Werner" <birgitwerner68@....au>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 4:01:53 AMSubject: Oh what to do

Hi allMaybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share. Don't want to talk to friends. I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm so bored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just am not attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6 years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, we have 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys just turned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy is almost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we got together I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which is what I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What's keeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better off financially staying here. I have often thought about my values and what's important to me and it's been giving my boys security and stability. . I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in the loud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out. Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place of my own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see a future with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless, just functional. Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I ever be with anyone where there's passion? I feel confused and ungrateful. ? I just want to feel again. Feel alive. Thanks for listening and

sorry for barging in with my storyBirgit Sent from my iPhone

January 8, 2012

Lou, allow me to explain that last comment; I don't want you to think I'm making fun of you or taking you lightly. We can "go out of our minds" with obsessive, heavy thoughts about dying, killing, "is that all there is" questions, the bleak future, etc. When we "get out of our minds" as opposed to "going out of our minds" we learn to let those useless thoughts float gently down the stream as we observe them without getting entangled with them. I know you know all that and, perhaps, just need a gentle reminder right now (we all do from time to time).

Do you know the old song from childhood "Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream"? I find it soothing to sing that to myself when I am having heavy, sad, painful thoughts. I think of lightly rowing my little boat down the stream as opposed to towing a huge boat full of waste and garbage (the crap in life) The heavy crap is there - I can see it - but I don't have to tug it with me; it comes along all on its own, like it or not, but I don't have to carry it.

Take care, my friend

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 6:06:18 AMSubject: Re: Oh what to do

You are right smack in the middle of living right now. Dying is in the future. Live now. You don't really have a choice, do you? Unless you commit suicide, and that is not an option for you, as I have come to know you.

It's "Get out of your mind," Lou - NOT "Go out of your mind!" (hehe)

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 5:53:29 AMSubject: Re: Oh what to do

Ok Helena, There is nobody here...there is nobody to paint the landscape of our experience. No one to guide us to what is yours as you know the future, future...Do we die? NO...We ask....Is that all there is?

What happens now? THAT"S IT REALLY!

Really!

Lou

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Sunday, 8 January 2012 8:47 PMSubject: Re: Oh what to do

I've been there, Birgit. I married my 2nd husband on the rebound - he was an excellent friend, steady, kind, nice, and he loved me so much. Up to and including our wedding day, I told him I didn't love him the way he loved me, and he kept saying "Marry me anyway; I'll take my chances and hope you will return my feelings one day." We separated about two years later when he took a job in another state (partially to see whether that would make "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and divorced two years after that when his absence just made me happier! We are still great friends and stay in touch. My first husband was the love of my life, and it appears he always will be (at my age). I have no regrets.

BUT ... there are children involved with you and your partner. Mike and I didn't have any. That throws a serious wrinkle into things. If I were you - and I am not, but I hear your pain and think I understand it - I might stick it out until the kids are fully grown. They're almost there. However, if that sucks the life out of you in the meantime, I might try to get out of the marriage before then, knowing that the kids are old enough to understand and avoid the psychological damage that happens to very young kids when their parents separate because they just can't comprehend it (they blame themselves). Your kids would most likely handle a separation very well, given the right counseling and love. So you do have a hefty decision to make, and only you can make it (damn it!).

I would try to reach a decision on what you are going to do, then live with that. Try to find some peace in whatever decision you make and make your life as meaningful as you can within that decision. If you remain married, find some interests that take you places you can't go within the constrains of your marriage (other than having an affair, which is poison!). Find some new social interests, hobbies to excite you, etc. Also, you could investigate other ways of becoming more financially independent - I know, that sounds like moronic advice in this economy - but look anyway!

No matter what you decide, no decision has to remain permanent. Life ebbs and flows and new opportunities arise in every moment. You are not necessarily stuck, even though it feels that way. Keep your eyes open for those knocks at the door - who knows what awaits on the other side.

Best of luck, and I'll be thinking of you. It was good to hear from you again.

Helena

From: "Birgit Werner" <birgitwerner68@....au>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 4:01:53 AMSubject: Oh what to do

Hi allMaybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share. Don't want to talk to friends. I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm so bored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just am not attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6 years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, we have 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys just turned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy is almost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we got together I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which is what I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What's keeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better off financially staying here. I have often thought about my values and what's important to me and it's been giving my boys security and stability. But I feel so dead, bored and empty. I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in the loud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out. Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place of my own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see a future with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless, just functional. Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I ever be with anyone where there's passion? I feel confused and ungrateful. Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing on myself more? I just want to feel again. Feel alive. Thanks for listening and sorry for barging in with my storyBirgit Sent from my iPhone

January 8, 2012

I was going to suggest having an affair, but Helena says that's poison. Just joking.I don't really understand - steady, nice, reliable, kind, etc is bad?! Do you desire a bad boy?

I've been there, Birgit. I married my 2nd husband on the rebound - he was an excellent friend, steady, kind, nice, and he loved me so much. Up to and including our wedding day, I told him I didn't love him the way he loved me, and he kept saying " Marry me anyway; I'll take my chances and hope you will return my feelings one day. " We separated about two years later when he took a job in another state (partially to see whether that would make " absence makes the heart grow fonder " and divorced two years after that when his absence just made me happier! We are still great friends and stay in touch. My first husband was the love of my life, and it appears he always will be (at my age). I have no regrets.

BUT ... there are children involved with you and your partner. Mike and I didn't have any. That throws a serious wrinkle into things. If I were you - and I am not, but I hear your pain and think I understand it - I might stick it out until the kids are fully grown. They're almost there. However, if that sucks the life out of you in the meantime, I might try to get out of the marriage before then, knowing that the kids are old enough to understand and avoid the psychological damage that happens to very young kids when their parents separate because they just can't comprehend it (they blame themselves). Your kids would most likely handle a separation very well, given the right counseling and love. So you do have a hefty decision to make, and only you can make it (damn it!).

I would try to reach a decision on what you are going to do, then live with that. Try to find some peace in whatever decision you make and make your life as meaningful as you can within that decision. If you remain married, find some interests that take you places you can't go within the constrains of your marriage (other than having an affair, which is poison!). Find some new social interests, hobbies to excite you, etc. Also, you could investigate other ways of becoming more financially independent - I know, that sounds like moronic advice in this economy - but look anyway!

No matter what you decide, no decision has to remain permanent. Life ebbs and flows and new opportunities arise in every moment. You are not necessarily stuck, even though it feels that way. Keep your eyes open for those knocks at the door - who knows what awaits on the other side.

Best of luck, and I'll be thinking of you. It was good to hear from you again.

Helena

From: " Birgit Werner " <birgitwerner68@....au>To: " ACT for the Public " <ACT_for_the_Public >

Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 4:01:53 AMSubject: Oh what to do

Hi allMaybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share. Don't want to talk to friends. I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm so bored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just am not attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6 years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, we have 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys just turned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy is almost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we got together I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which is what I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What's keeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better off financially staying here.

I have often thought about my values and what's important to me and it's been giving my boys security and stability. But I feel so dead, bored and empty. I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in the loud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out. Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place of my own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see a future with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless, just functional.

Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I ever be with anyone where there's passion? I feel confused and ungrateful.

Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing on myself more? I just want to feel again. Feel alive. Thanks for listening and sorry for barging in with my story

Birgit Sent from my iPhone

January 8, 2012

Hey, if anyone has that kind of "open" arrangement with their spouse, go for it! Wouldn't work for me : )

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 11:28:44 AMSubject: Re: Oh what to do

I was going to suggest having an affair, but Helena says that's poison. Just joking.I don't really understand - steady, nice, reliable, kind, etc is bad?! Do you desire a bad boy?

I've been there, Birgit. I married my 2nd husband on the rebound - he was an excellent friend, steady, kind, nice, and he loved me so much. Up to and including our wedding day, I told him I didn't love him the way he loved me, and he kept saying "Marry me anyway; I'll take my chances and hope you will return my feelings one day." We separated about two years later when he took a job in another state (partially to see whether that would make "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and divorced two years after that when his absence just made me happier! We are still great friends and stay in touch. My first husband was the love of my life, and it appears he always will be (at my age). I have no regrets.

BUT ... there are children involved with you and your partner. Mike and I didn't have any. That throws a serious wrinkle into things. If I were you - and I am not, but I hear your pain and think I understand it - I might stick it out until the kids are fully grown. They're almost there. However, if that sucks the life out of you in the meantime, I might try to get out of the marriage before then, knowing that the kids are old enough to understand and avoid the psychological damage that happens to very young kids when their parents separate because they just can't comprehend it (they blame themselves). Your kids would most likely handle a separation very well, given the right counseling and love. So you do have a hefty decision to make, and only you can make it (damn it!).

I would try to reach a decision on what you are going to do, then live with that. Try to find some peace in whatever decision you make and make your life as meaningful as you can within that decision. If you remain married, find some interests that take you places you can't go within the constrains of your marriage (other than having an affair, which is poison!). Find some new social interests, hobbies to excite you, etc. Also, you could investigate other ways of becoming more financially independent - I know, that sounds like moronic advice in this economy - but look anyway!

No matter what you decide, no decision has to remain permanent. Life ebbs and flows and new opportunities arise in every moment. You are not necessarily stuck, even though it feels that way. Keep your eyes open for those knocks at the door - who knows what awaits on the other side.

Best of luck, and I'll be thinking of you. It was good to hear from you again.

Helena

From: "Birgit Werner" <birgitwerner68@....au>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Sunday, January 8, 2012 4:01:53 AMSubject: Oh what to do

Hi allMaybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share. Don't want to talk to friends. I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm so bored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just am not attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6 years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, we have 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys just turned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy is almost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we got together I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which is what I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What's keeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better off financially staying here. I have often thought about my values and what's important to me and it's been giving my boys security and stability. But I feel so dead, bored and empty. I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in the loud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out. Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place of my own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see a future with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless, just functional. Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I ever be with anyone where there's passion? I feel confused and ungrateful. Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing on myself more? I just want to feel again. Feel alive. Thanks for listening and sorry for barging in with my storyBirgit Sent from my iPhone

January 8, 2012

—- In ACT_for_the_Public, Birgit Werner wrote:

>

> But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel

> trapped in this 'arrangement'.

I get the impression that you haven't told your partner how you feel,

and that in general there is not much real communication - or at least

you are not initiating any on your side.

When I was younger I was in a couple of relationships where I didn't

communicate, felt highly ambivalent from the start about staying or

leaving, and ended up feeling trapped. Both relationships ended anyway,

and very badly. I actually went into therapy to work on this issue,

way back before I ever heard about ACT, and it helped. Now I try &

speak up in relationships and it really makes a difference. I'm still

learning - I also have a hard time speaking up in friendships, so I

need to work on that too.

I guess the fear is that if we say anything, that will turn out to be

the equivalent of " leaving " - the partner then & there will reject us,

etc. At the very least it will change things so we can no longer keep

up our pretense. And we are desperate to keep up that pretense - even

though it is the pretense that keeps us stuck.

You can see what I'm saying. A relationship where you keep such a big

secret is never going to be much of a relationship. And from my own

experience, I can say this is a bad habit that might then be maintained

going into a new relationship . . . and which would then eventually kill

that new relationship too.

Meanwhile if we do say something, we might find out what our partner

actually feels (but hasn't been saying). The relationship might still

end up ending - or it might not. But at least there might be a chance

for growth & healing, versus no chance at all.

Anyway, that's my two cents, based on what added up to 4 or 5 very

painful years I took out of my life in total. And I took those same

years out of the lives of the two persons involved - they also got hurt

by me keeping silent as long as I did.

- Randy

January 8, 2012

Hello BirgitAre your children are mature enough and able to be involved in the conversation, and even in the decisions, that you take about your life? I don't presume to suggest they are, I just ask.My mum left my dad, and I felt a bit betrayed, not for the fact my mum left, but for the fact she (and my dad) never "let me in" on what was going on. They said it was to protect me, and that it wasn't fair to burden me with it. But looking back I feel they could have told me, and explained the trouble they were having, and explain that it is, sadly, a part of life we sometimes have to face. I could have understood better. It would have been less of a shock than the "cut

and run" it turned out to be. And we could have faced it together as a family, hard as it would have been.Not easy. You are in my thoughts, Birgit x To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sunday, 8 January 2012, 9:01 Subject: Oh what to do Hi allMaybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share. Don't want to

talk to friends. I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm so bored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just am not attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6 years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, we have 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys just turned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy is almost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we got together I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which is what I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What's keeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better off financially staying here. I have often thought about my values and what's important to me and it's been giving my boys security and stability. But I feel so dead, bored and

empty. I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in the loud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out. Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place of my own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see a future with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless, just functional. Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I ever be with anyone where there's passion? I feel confused and ungrateful. Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing on myself more? I just want to feel again. Feel alive. Thanks for listening and sorry for barging in with my storyBirgit Sent from my iPhone------------------------------------For other ACT materials and list serves see

www.contextualpsychology.orgIf you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may unsubscribe by sending an email to ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links<*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/<*> Your email settings: Individual Email | Traditional<*> To change settings online go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join (Yahoo! ID required)<*> To change settings via email: ACT_for_the_Public-digest ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured <*>

January 8, 2012

Watch the movie External Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. You may have to watch it 2 or 3 times to get it. I had to watch it 4 times, but I'm slow at getting movies, so figure most of you 2 or 3 times will do it.

This is available for streaming and has gotten high reviews. It also has a several big stars in it. Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet - both nominated for several rewards for these roles. Also Kirsten Dunst, Mark Ruffalo and Tom Wilkinson.

This movie relates to this thread. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Hello BirgitAre your children are mature enough and able to be involved in the conversation, and even in the decisions, that you take about your life? I don't presume to suggest they are, I just ask.

My mum left my dad, and I felt a bit betrayed, not for the fact my mum left, but for the fact she (and my dad) never " let me in " on what was going on. They said it was to protect me, and that it wasn't fair to burden me with it. But looking back I feel they could have told me, and explained the trouble they were having, and explain that it is, sadly, a part of life we sometimes have to face.

I could have understood better. It would have been less of a shock than the " cut

and run " it turned out to be. And we could have faced it together as a family, hard as it would have been.Not easy. You are in my thoughts, Birgit x

To: ACT_for_the_Public

Sent: Sunday, 8 January 2012, 9:01 Subject: Oh what to do

Hi allMaybe, probably it's not the best forum but I'm so desperate to share. Don't want to

talk to friends. I'm stuck in a relationship which is fine and 'functional' but I'm so bored and over it. He's a nice, reliable and stable man but I just am not attracted to him. Never have been. Not even at the beginning. Now 6 years down the track I'm terribly unsettled and want to move on. But, we have 2 kids each, all 6 of us living together. One of my boys just turned 18 and is more or less doing his own thing. The other boy is almost 15. My partners kids are similar in age. Meaning when we got together I chose my partner because he is stable and reliable. Which is what I wanted and needed then. But because I've never had strong feelings for him I just feel trapped in this 'arrangement'. What's keeping me here is that the boys all get on so well and we're better off financially staying here.

I have often thought about my values and what's important to me and it's been giving my boys security and stability. But I feel so dead, bored and

empty. I went to a New Year's party last week and just stood there in the loud music with all these people around and thought I need to get out. Get out back into life. Meet people, learn new things, have a place of my own. I want to travel, be in a relationship with a man I can see a future with. It feels so dead end here. Yes comfortable but so lifeless, just functional.

Of course I'm thinking maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. What is my family going to think. Where will I live? Will I ever be with anyone where there's passion? I feel confused and ungrateful.

Maybe my values have changed from focussing on my kids to focussing on myself more? I just want to feel again. Feel alive. Thanks for listening and sorry for barging in with my storyBirgit

Sent from my iPhone------------------------------------For other ACT materials and list serves see

www.contextualpsychology.orgIf you do not wish to belong to ACT_for_the_Public, you may unsubscribe by sending an email to ACT_for_the_Public-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/<*> Your email settings:

Individual Email | Traditional<*> To change settings online go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ACT_for_the_Public/join

(Yahoo! ID required)<*> To change settings via email: ACT_for_the_Public-digest ACT_for_the_Public-fullfeatured

<*>

January 8, 2012

I love that movie .....surely life would be so much better for all of us if we could just erase those bad memories!? Sent from my iPhone

Watch the movie External Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. You may have to watch it 2 or 3 times to get it. I had to watch it 4 times, but I'm slow at getting movies, so figure most of you 2 or 3 times will do it.

This is available for streaming and has gotten high reviews. It also has a several big stars in it. Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet - both nominated for several rewards for these roles. Also Kirsten Dunst, Mark Ruffalo and Tom Wilkinson.

This movie relates to this thread. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Hello BirgitAre your children are mature enough and able to be involved in the conversation, and even in the decisions, that you take about your life? I don't presume to suggest they are, I just ask.

My mum left my dad, and I felt a bit betrayed, not for the fact my mum left, but for the fact she (and my dad) never "let me in" on what was going on. They said it was to protect me, and that it wasn't fair to burden me with it. But looking back I feel they could have told me, and explained the trouble they were having, and explain that it is, sadly, a part of life we sometimes have to face.

I could have understood better. It would have been less of a shock than the "cut

and run" it turned out to be. And we could have faced it together as a family, hard as it would have been.Not easy. You are in my thoughts, Birgit x