Guest guest Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 that's supposed to read there are different kinds of back and forth. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > When those religious women came to my door and spoke to me with such > > > > > > kindness, I was so filled with emotion that I said it was ok for > > > > > > them to come back. They gave me a time and a date. In anticipation > > > > > > of their visit, I did all my domestics so they would feel > > > > > > comfortable when I invited them in. I even went to the supermarket > > > > > > and bought stuff that I could offer them. The time came and went and > > > > > > after 2 hours I'd given up on them. Five hours after their declared > > > > > > time they knocked on my door. I told them I wasn't interested in > > > > > > seeing them at all (what's the point, more disappointment). I care > > > > > > too much. > > > > > > > > > > > > So someone I know called and invited me to go out last night with a > > > > > > group of people. I was reluctant but (thinking of my values and how > > > > > > important they are to me), I said yes. I tried not to anticipate > > > > > > this one, to take it without expectation and lucky I did, because he > > > > > > never even turned up or called. Turns out he'd left a message a > > > > > > couple of days ago (I only got it this morning) and he said, " I'll > > > > > > probably need a place to crash and yours is as good as any " . I guess > > > > > > he got a better offer. I want to pretend I don't care, then it > > > > > > bypasses all the language, the damaging/painful self- > > > > > > conceptualisations. > > > > > > > > > > > > I have been in my job now for about five months and seem to `get > > > > > > along' with everyone but have been unable to make any real > > > > > > connection (other than work related stuff). Two of the clients > > > > > > express feeling this connection with me. This just seems to be the > > > > > > story of my life from dot to spot. The drug addicts like me, the > > > > > > intellectually impaired like me but anyone with an inkling of > > > > > > intelligence can see right through me and avoid. The moment my > > > > > > daughter began to form her frontal lobe, she too gained enough > > > > > > intelligence to get out, get away. > > > > > > > > > > > > I really enjoy the ACT people but have no way into that community > > > > > > either because I'm not a student, professional or business person. I > > > > > > can't see that I'll ever get in-roads there. What's left? Virtual > > > > > > communication...that's it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I just don't know how to do this relationship stuff. It just leaves > > > > > > my feeling rotten. > > > > > > > > > > > > Lou (and my computer) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Jim > > > > > Designer | Developer > > > > > > > > > > http://www.jryanportfolio.com > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Re your: " Very personal questions " comment to me: Well, I rationalized asking for clarification because you brought up your condition a few times here and then talked about moderate drinking and many here (myself included) struggling with issues of addiction. Anyway, makes sense you'd stop because of your condition. Good on you. You might be the first person I've come across who had an easy time quitting nicotine! The desire to stop self-medicating vanishing is also great. Wow. I still have desire to self medicate...a lot of the time. Re: your recovered state from loneliness at home because you enjoy your own sober company--that's great. Me, I feel lonely time to time--either at home or with others, but most painfully with others, because feeling connected with and building friendships with others it turns out is a huge value of mine. Today thanks to people who show me what it looks like to be vulnerable and have a meaningful life, I'm willing to have that pain, where-ever it may show up. kind regards, terry > > > > > > > > > > > >  > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > When those religious women came to my door and spoke to me with such kindness, I was so filled with emotion that I said it was ok for them to come back. They gave me a time and a date. In anticipation of their visit, I did all my domestics so they would feel comfortable when I invited them in. I even went to the supermarket and bought stuff that I could offer them. The time came and went and after 2 hours I'd given up on them. Five hours after their declared time they knocked on my door. I told them I wasn't interested in seeing them at all (what's the point, more disappointment). I care too much. > > > > > > So someone I know called and invited me to go out last night with a group of people. I was reluctant but (thinking of my values and how important they are to me), I said yes. I tried not to anticipate this one, to take it without expectation and lucky I did, because he never even turned up or called. Turns out he'd left a message a couple of days ago (I only got it this morning) and he said, " I'll probably need a place to crash and yours is as good as any " . I guess he got a better offer. I want to pretend I don't care, then it bypasses all the language, the damaging/painful self-conceptualisations. > > > > > > I have been in my job now for about five months and seem to `get along' with everyone but have been unable to make any real connection (other than work related stuff). Two of the clients express feeling this connection with me. This just seems to be the story of my life from dot to spot. The drug addicts like me, the intellectually impaired like me but anyone with an inkling of intelligence can see right through me and avoid. The moment my daughter began to form her frontal lobe, she too gained enough intelligence to get out, get away. > > > > > > I really enjoy the ACT people but have no way into that community either because I'm not a student, professional or business person. I can't see that I'll ever get in-roads there. What's left? Virtual communication...that's it. > > > > > > I just don't know how to do this relationship stuff. It just leaves my feeling rotten. > > > > > > Lou (and my computer) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Jim > > > Designer | Developer > > > > > > http://www. jryanportfolio .com > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Yes, Terry, I am in a good place right now ... but don't get me wrong - it wasn't an easy journey; certainly not as easy as it sounds when I recite it. It was a long process with stretches of slow progress followed by unexpected setbacks - a couple of years I'd say. I often felt like giving up - on ACT and on myself. But the flashes of serenity and contentment I experienced from time to time as I kept practicing ACT kept me going; I saw what my life COULD be and I liked the picture. The values work was crucial, and hard at first. Giving up alcohol as an escape mechanism was absolutely essential in my journey - it did not fit with my value of healthy living. I never realized the impact it was having on my life until I went without it for a few months, then up to a full year. I wasn't a heavy or frequent drinker, but I did drink to the point of getting fairly drunk several times a month. By fairly drunk, I mean I was still coherent in my speech, able to cook, read, etc., but unable to drive, unable to think clearly or logically (but thought I could), but still able to communicate with others by phone without them knowing I was drinking. But I was sick as a dog when I woke up the next day and the guilt was awful. I was raised to think that drinking was a sin and it stuck, even though I no longer believed that. After several months of sobriety behind me, something clicked, something shifted. For the first time in my life, I believed it was possible to live my life according to my values, believed I was worth it, that it wasn't too late for me. I still feel lonely at times, and I still sometimes wish I could stop for a bottle of wine on the way home, especially if I've had a bad day or am feeling vulnerable. I just let that image of a lovely glass of wine float right on down the stream! I wanted to drink when my cat died and again, when my cockatiel died. But I didn't and made sure I kept busy instead and reached out to my friends and family. It gets easier and easier as I get more mileage behind me. I still have a long way to go but I'm on the right path, with a zig zag now and then. I am not doing as much as I could toward my values. But I try to be compassionate with myself about that. For awhile, I was beating myself up with the "not doing enough" values stuff, but now I accept that my pace is slow but steady. Little victories yield giant rewards! Whew! Didn't mean for this to get so long ... sorry! Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Monday, February 20, 2012 2:08:23 PMSubject: Re: Building Friendships Re your: "Very personal questions" comment to me: Well, I rationalized asking for clarification because you brought up your condition a few times here and then talked about moderate drinking and many here (myself included) struggling with issues of addiction. Anyway, makes sense you'd stop because of your condition. Good on you. You might be the first person I've come across who had an easy time quitting nicotine! The desire to stop self-medicating vanishing is also great. Wow. I still have desire to self medicate...a lot of the time. Re: your recovered state from loneliness at home because you enjoy your own sober company--that's great. Me, I feel lonely time to time--either at home or with others, but most painfully with others, because feeling connected with and building friendships with others it turns out is a huge value of mine. Today thanks to people who show me what it looks like to be vulnerable and have a meaningful life, I'm willing to have that pain, where-ever it may show up. kind regards,terry > > > > > > > > > > > >  > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > When those religious women came to my door and spoke to me with such kindness, I was so filled with emotion that I said it was ok for them to come back. They gave me a time and a date. In anticipation of their visit, I did all my domestics so they would feel comfortable when I invited them in. I even went to the supermarket and bought stuff that I could offer them. The time came and went and after 2 hours I'd given up on them. Five hours after their declared time they knocked on my door. I told them I wasn't interested in seeing them at all (what's the point, more disappointment). I care too much. > > > > > > So someone I know called and invited me to go out last night with a group of people. I was reluctant but (thinking of my values and how important they are to me), I said yes. I tried not to anticipate this one, to take it without expectation and lucky I did, because he never even turned up or called. Turns out he'd left a message a couple of days ago (I only got it this morning) and he said, "I'll probably need a place to crash and yours is as good as any". I guess he got a better offer. I want to pretend I don't care, then it bypasses all the language, the damaging/painful self-conceptualisations. > > > > > > I have been in my job now for about five months and seem to `get along' with everyone but have been unable to make any real connection (other than work related stuff). Two of the clients express feeling this connection with me. This just seems to be the story of my life from dot to spot. The drug addicts like me, the intellectually impaired like me but anyone with an inkling of intelligence can see right through me and avoid. The moment my daughter began to form her frontal lobe, she too gained enough intelligence to get out, get away. > > > > > > I really enjoy the ACT people but have no way into that community either because I'm not a student, professional or business person. I can't see that I'll ever get in-roads there. What's left? Virtual communication...that's it. > > > > > > I just don't know how to do this relationship stuff. It just leaves my feeling rotten. > > > > > > Lou (and my computer) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Jim > > > Designer | Developer > > > > > > http://www. jryanportfolio .com > > > > >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 20, 2012 Report Share Posted February 20, 2012 Oh, goodness. So very useful. Thanks so very much. And inspiring. In meetings, we say sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. And we say it a lot. I mostly admire the " old-timers " who note their imperfections along with their triumphs. Some of them are exceedingly kind, reminding me it's a process, it's progress, not perfection. My first time around i didn't stick around long enough to find these kind, humble people as i was absolutely convinced they were all idiots and my mind grew further convinced of this with " 12-step free " public internet groups..and dug deeper in with precisely just how " they " were out to harm me. Wow, I think I'm still recovering from that nonsense. How sad is that. For not just me, but everyone who came into contact with me during that time. At least i get to do living amends and share with others how it's so not a cult and more importantly, i get to show them by example they can be who they are, believe what they want, be where they are. That ability is because of folks in ACT like and Steve and others who told me to keep breathing, even when i was drinking, told me to keep coming back, stay with yourself, won't you? Just this tiny bit..are you willing? You just never know how you might do good. Someone came up to me the other day and said i had saved her from drinking at a party she was planning to attend due to something i shared. I don't think she gave herself enough credit as she is the one reached out to announce her urge ahead of time, but hey, you just never know what is going to help. Anyhow, thanks again for elaborating and opening up, and relating it to your ACT journey so far. I remember you saying a year or so ago that (like for most of us) friends and family being a tricky spot for you, that you had none (or maybe you felt you had none) and so simply amazing to hear you now say that you reached out. I have so much to learn, but I'm so glad for this path we're on. Well okay, maybe differing paths, one journey. I can't wait to get to my meeting tonight to be with my friends. Nothing like a 12-Step convert. But i suppose there are worse things in life. kind regards my friend, terry > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ÃÆ'‚ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > When those religious women came to my door and spoke to me with such kindness, I was so filled with emotion that I said it was ok for them to come back. They gave me a time and a date. In anticipation of their visit, I did all my domestics so they would feel comfortable when I invited them in. I even went to the supermarket and bought stuff that I could offer them. The time came and went and after 2 hours I'd given up on them. Five hours after their declared time they knocked on my door. I told them I wasn't interested in seeing them at all (what's the point, more disappointment). I care too much. > > > > > > > > So someone I know called and invited me to go out last night with a group of people. I was reluctant but (thinking of my values and how important they are to me), I said yes. I tried not to anticipate this one, to take it without expectation and lucky I did, because he never even turned up or called. Turns out he'd left a message a couple of days ago (I only got it this morning) and he said, " I'll probably need a place to crash and yours is as good as any " . I guess he got a better offer. I want to pretend I don't care, then it bypasses all the language, the damaging/painful self-conceptualisations. > > > > > > > > I have been in my job now for about five months and seem to `get along' with everyone but have been unable to make any real connection (other than work related stuff). Two of the clients express feeling this connection with me. This just seems to be the story of my life from dot to spot. The drug addicts like me, the intellectually impaired like me but anyone with an inkling of intelligence can see right through me and avoid. The moment my daughter began to form her frontal lobe, she too gained enough intelligence to get out, get away. > > > > > > > > I really enjoy the ACT people but have no way into that community either because I'm not a student, professional or business person. I can't see that I'll ever get in-roads there. What's left? Virtual communication...that's it. > > > > > > > > I just don't know how to do this relationship stuff. It just leaves my feeling rotten. > > > > > > > > Lou (and my computer) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Jim > > > > Designer | Developer > > > > > > > > http://www. jryanportfolio .com > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Hello All I have freindship issues. I have done a lot of work on myself to reduce my insecurity and take risks in getting to know people. I have a few friends. However, I am confused about the fact that they seem to contact me when they are in need but then disappear when they're life is allright. I like helping people and I dont want to be selfish. However,in most instances they are not there for me. Its almost liek they're not capable. I dont want to be that kind of person. I kind of hint sometimes but dont usually dont come right out and say it. I think about boundries with these friendships. Sometimes, I want to say it straight out - friendship goes two ways. I also have an abandoment background so that is a real achilles heel with me. It also may be that I relate well to people when they're down . I also have been told I make them laugh as well. I like to learn from other people about all kinds of subjects. I would love a dieting buddy. I am not into idling or gossip. Yet, I have yet to find a girlfreind who is in my life in a consistent basis. I guess that is what I wanted in a male/female relationship also. I dont mean they need to do everything with me. But a few times a month would be nice. You see I dont have brothers, sisters or cousins. I dont have much community either. I have been working on that also. This week I put my needs to check out a church aside to help a friend. Maybe that should have been a boundry I kept. My needs are as important as yours. Sometimes, I feel I do this becuase i want to be connected so much. Its not really working for me. It makes me feel like i am not good enough. I defuse that thought over and over again. Lin > > > > When those religious women came to my door and spoke to me with such kindness, I was so filled with emotion that I said it was ok for them to come back. They gave me a time and a date. In anticipation of their visit, I did all my domestics so they would feel comfortable when I invited them in. I even went to the supermarket and bought stuff that I could offer them. The time came and went and after 2 hours I'd given up on them. Five hours after their declared time they knocked on my door. I told them I wasn't interested in seeing them at all (what's the point, more disappointment) . I care too much. > > > > > So someone I know called and invited me to go out last night with a group of people. I was reluctant but (thinking of my values and how important they are to me), I said yes. I tried not to anticipate this one, to take it without expectation and lucky I did, because he never even turned up or called. Turns out he'd left a message a couple of days ago (I only got it this morning) and he said, " I'll probably need a place to crash and yours is as good as any " . I guess he got a better offer. I want to pretend I don't care, then it bypasses all the language, the damaging/painful self-conceptualisat ions. > > > > > I have been in my job now for about five months and seem to `get along' with everyone but have been unable to make any real connection (other than work related stuff). Two of the clients express feeling this connection with me. This just seems to be the story of my life from dot to spot. The drug addicts like me, the intellectually impaired like me but anyone with an inkling of intelligence can see right through me and avoid. The moment my daughter began to form her frontal lobe, she too gained enough intelligence to get out, get away. > > > > > I really enjoy the ACT people but have no way into that community either because I'm not a student, professional or business person. I can't see that I'll ever get in-roads there. What's left? Virtual communication. ..that's it. > > > > > I just don't know how to do this relationship stuff. It just leaves my feeling rotten. > > > > Lou (and my computer) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 Hi Lin, It does sound like your friends may be using you or they are simply not aware that being friends works both ways. What are you doing to try to expand your circle of friends and hopefully find ones who are more compassionate and sensitive? I could use some new ideas myself! I don't have anyone I can go to lunch with, either - other than my coworkers I mentioned a few days ago - and they are more like acquaintances than friends. I do have several good friends, but they don't live close by and they work a different schedule than I do. Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2012 9:45:35 AMSubject: Re: Building Friendships Hello AllI have freindship issues. I have done a lot of work on myself to reduce my insecurity and take risks in getting to know people.I have a few friends. However, I am confused about the fact that they seem to contact me when they are in need but then disappear when they're life is allright. I like helping people and I dont want to be selfish. However,in most instances they are not there for me. Its almost liek they're not capable. I dont want to be that kind of person. I kind of hint sometimes but dont usually dont come right out and say it. I think about boundries with these friendships. Sometimes, I want to say it straight out - friendship goes two ways. I also have an abandoment background so that is a real achilles heel with me. It also may be that I relate well to people when they're down . I also have been told I make them laugh as well. I like to learn from other people about all kinds of subjects. I would love a dieting buddy. I am not into idling or gossip.Yet, I have yet to find a girlfreind who is in my life in a consistent basis. I guess that is what I wanted in a male/female relationship also. I dont mean they need to do everything with me. But a few times a month would be nice. You see I dont have brothers, sisters or cousins. I dont have much community either. I have been working on that also. This week I put my needs to check out a church aside to help a friend. Maybe that should have been a boundry I kept. My needs are as important as yours. Sometimes, I feel I do this becuase i want to be connected so much. Its not really working for me. It makes me feel like i am not good enough. I defuse that thought over and over again.Lin> > > > When those religious women came to my door and spoke to me with such kindness, I was so filled with emotion that I said it was ok for them to come back. They gave me a time and a date. In anticipation of their visit, I did all my domestics so they would feel comfortable when I invited them in. I even went to the supermarket and bought stuff that I could offer them. The time came and went and after 2 hours I'd given up on them. Five hours after their declared time they knocked on my door. I told them I wasn't interested in seeing them at all (what's the point, more disappointment) . I care too much.> > > > > So someone I know called and invited me to go out last night with a group of people. I was reluctant but (thinking of my values and how important they are to me), I said yes. I tried not to anticipate this one, to take it without expectation and lucky I did, because he never even turned up or called. Turns out he'd left a message a couple of days ago (I only got it this morning) and he said, "I'll probably need a place to crash and yours is as good as any". I guess he got a better offer. I want to pretend I don't care, then it bypasses all the language, the damaging/painful self-conceptualisat ions.> > > > > I have been in my job now for about five months and seem to `get along' with everyone but have been unable to make any real connection (other than work related stuff). Two of the clients express feeling this connection with me. This just seems to be the story of my life from dot to spot. The drug addicts like me, the intellectually impaired like me but anyone with an inkling of intelligence can see right through me and avoid. The moment my daughter began to form her frontal lobe, she too gained enough intelligence to get out, get away.> > > > > I really enjoy the ACT people but have no way into that community either because I'm not a student, professional or business person. I can't see that I'll ever get in-roads there. What's left? Virtual communication. ..that's it.> > > > > I just don't know how to do this relationship stuff. It just leaves my feeling rotten.> > > > Lou (and my computer)> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2012 Report Share Posted February 21, 2012 It takes time like anything else worthwhile pursuing. You sound hurt they haven't reciprocated, not confused. So get real about what you're feeling for starters. And the thought that often accompanies that for me is " not fair " or something like that. So use defusion around your suffering. And just keep going with all your ACT practice. How are you being a friend with yourself today? I mean really, kudos for even caring with us. Do you let others know what it is you'd like to do? You don't know if you don't ask. For years i cared and said i didn't, or acted like i didn't and didn't even bother to ask, being convinced you'd not want to play with me anyway. Scary stuff any way you slice it. > > > > > > > > When those religious women came to my door and spoke to me with such kindness, I was so filled with emotion that I said it was ok for them to come back. They gave me a time and a date. In anticipation of their visit, I did all my domestics so they would feel comfortable when I invited them in. I even went to the supermarket and bought stuff that I could offer them. The time came and went and after 2 hours I'd given up on them. Five hours after their declared time they knocked on my door. I told them I wasn't interested in seeing them at all (what's the point, more disappointment) . I care too much. > > > > > > > > > > So someone I know called and invited me to go out last night with a group of people. I was reluctant but (thinking of my values and how important they are to me), I said yes. I tried not to anticipate this one, to take it without expectation and lucky I did, because he never even turned up or called. Turns out he'd left a message a couple of days ago (I only got it this morning) and he said, " I'll probably need a place to crash and yours is as good as any " . I guess he got a better offer. I want to pretend I don't care, then it bypasses all the language, the damaging/painful self-conceptualisat ions. > > > > > > > > > > I have been in my job now for about five months and seem to `get along' with everyone but have been unable to make any real connection (other than work related stuff). Two of the clients express feeling this connection with me. This just seems to be the story of my life from dot to spot. The drug addicts like me, the intellectually impaired like me but anyone with an inkling of intelligence can see right through me and avoid. The moment my daughter began to form her frontal lobe, she too gained enough intelligence to get out, get away. > > > > > > > > > > I really enjoy the ACT people but have no way into that community either because I'm not a student, professional or business person. I can't see that I'll ever get in-roads there. What's left? Virtual communication. ..that's it. > > > > > > > > > > I just don't know how to do this relationship stuff. It just leaves my feeling rotten. > > > > > > > > Lou (and my computer) > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Thanks for the response, keep them coming. Yes, I learned early on to pretend it didnt hurt. Today, I stuggle with being angry but telling them how i feel is not appropiate , its your own childhood wound. I feel better when I open my heart to someone. I also think there is a shadow to this charecterisitc. In that someone elses pain helps me know that I am not the only one who doesnt have it all figured out. I would like to have better friends. I have tried being a better friend, learning more about friendship ( like I am asking here),activites like kayaking,etc. I wonder if there is another way , that I just dont know. This week I was to try another church to see if I was in the right place if I was comfortable with the sermon. But that friend needed me, so I put it aside. Maybe I was hoping she would be a better friend to me if I went out of my way. That doesnt make me proud of myself as I beleive we should seek nothing in return. Sometimes, I think my good friends would have to have my background in order to understand , accept and love me. Lin > > > > > > > > > > > > When those religious women came to my door and spoke to me with such kindness, I was so filled with emotion that I said it was ok for them to come back. They gave me a time and a date. In anticipation of their visit, I did all my domestics so they would feel comfortable when I invited them in. I even went to the supermarket and bought stuff that I could offer them. The time came and went and after 2 hours I'd given up on them. Five hours after their declared time they knocked on my door. I told them I wasn't interested in seeing them at all (what's the point, more disappointment) . I care too much. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So someone I know called and invited me to go out last night with a group of people. I was reluctant but (thinking of my values and how important they are to me), I said yes. I tried not to anticipate this one, to take it without expectation and lucky I did, because he never even turned up or called. Turns out he'd left a message a couple of days ago (I only got it this morning) and he said, " I'll probably need a place to crash and yours is as good as any " . I guess he got a better offer. I want to pretend I don't care, then it bypasses all the language, the damaging/painful self-conceptualisat ions. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I have been in my job now for about five months and seem to `get along' with everyone but have been unable to make any real connection (other than work related stuff). Two of the clients express feeling this connection with me. This just seems to be the story of my life from dot to spot. The drug addicts like me, the intellectually impaired like me but anyone with an inkling of intelligence can see right through me and avoid. The moment my daughter began to form her frontal lobe, she too gained enough intelligence to get out, get away. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I really enjoy the ACT people but have no way into that community either because I'm not a student, professional or business person. I can't see that I'll ever get in-roads there. What's left? Virtual communication. ..that's it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I just don't know how to do this relationship stuff. It just leaves my feeling rotten. > > > > > > > > > > > > Lou (and my computer) > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 I have found that other folks will disappoint me, its part of our nature. I also know that I will also disappoint others and often I don't even realize I am doing this. So perhaps other folks also don't realize the same. Why do other folks behave this way? Who knows? I have enough trouble figuring me out never mind others! :-) What I do know is that I can avoid this type of hurt by isolating myself. When I try to open myself up to friendship, I take the risk of being hurt and also the reward of being in a relationship. I know in my heart that I am not here to do life on my own and that it is when I am sharing my life with others that I am doing what it is that I value. Going it Lone Ranger style is not the answer. This being said, how do I try not to fuse with the thoughts that others are sometimes doing what they do to me on purpose. Perhaps this is sometimes true but it puts the focus on me rather than seeing the big picture. Example (real life) - I make plans to get together for dinner with someone and they cancel at the last minute. I take this personally and think that they don't care and that they are being insensitive to me and that I will never speak to them again or when I do I will be cold to them so that I can get back at them. When they tell me that they could not make the dinner because they had unexpected company, I tend to get a bit jealous and envious. And then when I take the focus off of me, I can start to feel joy for them that they had the time to share with their guests. When I starting working with my therapist she said that I seemed to value friendship and that perhaps I needed to work on this. I said I was 50 years old and so far behind in this part of my life and felt like a fool. She said I was just a bit rusty and I had the skills, I just needed to be them into practice. Know what? She was right! I am now on this journey without her as she has moved. When she was leaving, I thought that being a bit afloat would be very difficult for me. I am finding that it is not as bad as I thought it would be. One of the keys is that I have formed friendships that have lessened the pain of losing her. Am I at where I want to be in relationships (especially romantic?) For sure not! Am I getting there? For sure yes! Will I feel hurt along the way! No doubt! Blessings! Values + Committed Action = JOY!!! Hello All I have freindship issues. I have done a lot of work on myself to reduce my insecurity and take risks in getting to know people. I have a few friends. However, I am confused about the fact that they seem to contact me when they are in need but then disappear when they're life is allright. I like helping people and I dont want to be selfish. However,in most instances they are not there for me. Its almost liek they're not capable. I dont want to be that kind of person. I kind of hint sometimes but dont usually dont come right out and say it. I think about boundries with these friendships. Sometimes, I want to say it straight out - friendship goes two ways. I also have an abandoment background so that is a real achilles heel with me. It also may be that I relate well to people when they're down . I also have been told I make them laugh as well. I like to learn from other people about all kinds of subjects. I would love a dieting buddy. I am not into idling or gossip. Yet, I have yet to find a girlfreind who is in my life in a consistent basis. I guess that is what I wanted in a male/female relationship also. I dont mean they need to do everything with me. But a few times a month would be nice. You see I dont have brothers, sisters or cousins. I dont have much community either. I have been working on that also. This week I put my needs to check out a church aside to help a friend. Maybe that should have been a boundry I kept. My needs are as important as yours. Sometimes, I feel I do this becuase i want to be connected so much. Its not really working for me. It makes me feel like i am not good enough. I defuse that thought over and over again. Lin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 24, 2012 Report Share Posted February 24, 2012 Thank you , for a very inspirational and insightful post! Henrik I have found that other folks will disappoint me, its part of our nature. I also know that I will also disappoint others and often I don't even realize I am doing this. So perhaps other folks also don't realize the same. Why do other folks behave this way? Who knows? I have enough trouble figuring me out never mind others! :-)What I do know is that I can avoid this type of hurt by isolating myself. When I try to open myself up to friendship, I take the risk of being hurt and also the reward of being in a relationship. I know in my heart that I am not here to do life on my own and that it is when I am sharing my life with others that I am doing what it is that I value. Going it Lone Ranger style is not the answer.This being said, how do I try not to fuse with the thoughts that others are sometimes doing what they do to me on purpose.Perhaps this is sometimes true but it puts the focus on me rather than seeing the big picture. Example (real life) - I make plans to get together for dinner with someone and they cancel at the last minute. I take this personally and think that they don't care and that they are being insensitive to me and that I will never speak to them again or when I do I will be cold to them so that I can get back at them. When they tell me that they could not make the dinner because they had unexpected company, I tend to get a bit jealous and envious. And then when I take the focus off of me, I can start to feel joy for them that they had the time to share with their guests.When I starting working with my therapist she said that I seemed to value friendship and that perhaps I needed to work on this. I said I was 50 years old and so far behind in this part of my life and felt like a fool. She said I was just a bit rusty and I had the skills, I just needed to be them into practice.Know what? She was right!I am now on this journey without her as she has moved. When she was leaving, I thought that being a bit afloat would be very difficult for me. I am finding that it is not as bad as I thought it would be. One of the keys is that I have formed friendships that have lessened the pain of losing her.Am I at where I want to be in relationships (especially romantic?) For sure not! Am I getting there? For sure yes!Will I feel hurt along the way!No doubt!Blessings!Values + Committed Action = JOY!!!Hello AllI have freindship issues. I have done a lot of work on myself to reduce my insecurity and take risks in getting to know people.I have a few friends. However, I am confused about the fact that they seem to contact me when they are in need but then disappear when they're life is allright. I like helping people and I dont want to be selfish. However,in most instances they are not there for me. Its almost liek they're not capable. I dont want to be that kind of person. I kind of hint sometimes but dont usually dont come right out and say it. I think about boundries with these friendships. Sometimes, I want to say it straight out - friendship goes two ways. I also have an abandoment background so that is a real achilles heel with me.It also may be that I relate well to people when they're down . I also have been told I make them laugh as well. I like to learn from other people about all kinds of subjects. I would love a dieting buddy. I am not into idling or gossip.Yet, I have yet to find a girlfreind who is in my life in a consistent basis. I guess that is what I wanted in a male/female relationship also. I dont mean they need to do everything with me. But a few times a month would be nice.You see I dont have brothers, sisters or cousins. I dont have much community either. I have been working on that also. This week I put my needs to check out a church aside to help a friend. Maybe that should have been a boundry I kept. My needs are as important as yours. Sometimes, I feel I do this becuase i want to be connected so much. Its not really working for me. It makes me feel like i am not good enough. I defuse that thought over and over again.Lin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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