Hurt

[Guest guest]

I think this might be in the vain of sharing like has been, for I am experiencing a Sunday as wretched and miserable as the last one.  I wrote a blog then called " when life fucks you " and it feels like I'm repeating the past and I could write that again.  

I've really been attempting to meet a woman to love and love me.  So I've been using an online dating website and contacting various women.  My experience has been mostly disappointing, but over the past week I was in touch with a woman who looked to be a good match.  We had some decent email exchanges, and were to meet this morning.  I waited at the cafe at the scheduled time but 10 mins in learned that she thought it was 11am.  An hour later she sends a message saying that she was not going to meet, that she was highly intuitive and felt it would not work out.

I was gutted.  I still am.  I have been going through the process and have met with no success.  Meeting woman after woman who lose interest.  I wonder what is wrong with me.  I am almost 37 years old and have so little experience.  I don't seem to be able to meet someone out there, I don't know how.  I am feeling disheartened and disillusioned.  If it were not for my friends and family, I know I would be suicidal.  Life would lose all sense of hope.

Those words I wrote about adoration seem far from me now, though still a part of me.  I know I am stronger.  But I feel life so deeply, and find myself torn and thrown about so readily.  My anger and sadness was such that I sent some very strongly worded text messages to her, one after the other to try to convey how I felt and what she had done wrong.  She felt justified in her action and did not appreciate my words, but I do not really care.  She needed to get a sense of how I felt.

God I wish I were different.  I wish I were stronger.  I wish I could face disappointments with more resilience.  I just don't seem to be able to move forward.  

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry , I have also tried the online (and before that, back in the

dark ages, when the singles were published in a weekly newspaper). This line

from the person you were goint to meet, " that she was highly intuitive and felt

it would not work out. " is a total crock of s**t. A highly intuitive person

would be aware of the impact of their rudeness on another person, and would

have, minimally, shown up for your meeting.

I am not recommending the following! Just sharing the choice I made. What I

ended up doing was just stopping. For me the emotional roller coaster of meeting

someone, (emotional high, loved life, happy happy happy) enjoying the, sometimes

months of seeing each other, (and one that lasted 2 years) only to surprisingly

(to me) ending abruptly and then the devastating emotional tailspin. My

personal/private life was so heavily impacted by the, supposed `pursuit of

happiness' in a relationship---that I was a total total emotional wreck. So I

stopped. Just stopped. My last `attempt', that only lasted a few months, was

over 11 years ago. I am much older than you, and have been single for 20+ years

since my divorce. (He went on to marry someone new within a year and is still

married to her.)

Anyway. It can be a painful and disruptive activity, being involved in the

pursuit of a mate. I decided it wasn't worth the emotional hurricane I went

through looking, during and after any relationship that I found. I was always as

emotionally invested in every meeting as it appears to me you are. (This is so

exciting, such great emails, this really really could be the one! Let's see,

after this meeting what shall we do next? Perhaps we could go out this

afternoon and have a wonderful outing and have dinner together?..etc. etc.)

Then the painful devastating emotional supersonic crash down into the cement.

So, I am certain that these following words have been repeated, as advice to

you, a thousand times. And here is 1,001st. You and your life are more

important than any relationship could possible ever be. Period. What in your

life brings you enjoyment? What have you thought about investigating or doing

but haven't? Pursue and/or find the things that will interest and fulfill you.

Something that really really helped me was to learn to folk dance. (beginners

always welcome) The Balkan, Bulgarian, North African, middle east music made my

heart soar---weekly meetings with nice people, being able to hold hands in huge

circle dances, and when I became more brave, dancing in quadrilles, couple line

formation dances and then 1:1 dances gave me a wonderful source of joyful human

contact, socially and literally, holding hands and dancing.

AND what to explore: what have you wondered about and never had to time to

investigate, becoming a docent at a zoo or museum? (Great opportunity for

in-depth educations),astronomy, hopefully a university near by with the

telescopes available to public and with a planetarium, scrabble or chess club,

becoming one of the folks who read to the kids in the library on Sat mornings.

Bike or hiking clubs—there really really are new people joining all the time,

and you wouldn't be the `only' new person and/or beginner. Is there a community

class that you could teach a class at, or enroll in one of the many intriguing

classes…..ok. Enough I will stop.

Yes, I think that the ACT exercises, growth, are very valuable for my life, AND

I don't have to keep setting myself up for situations that continually test my

strength and where I cannot implement the baby steps of the ACT skills I do

possess.

I am sorry this is so long. I think I really do know how badly you felt about

this meeting. Yet another platitude, it wasn't about you at all. This person

was beyond mean and rude. Personally I am glad you didn't meet her. From her

side, she sounds quite miserable herself, setting herself up to create hurt and

anger that then was projected at her (your texts to her) and having her behavior

become `your fault' ….and now, see how `intuitive' she was? You were hurt and

angry—her intuition was right. My guess, is that her `intuition' has been

keeping her out of any kind of relationship for a very very long time, if even

ever.

Thanks for reading to the end of this tome, and virtual hugs for you after

having lived through such a painful and demoralizing occurrence. Wanda in NM

[Guest guest]

Actually I wrote an email to the woman last night with my final thoughts for her.  Here is part of it:

Most people are flaky; most people let us down; very few are worthy of being friends.  Sometimes I hold a higher view of humanity than is true.  What you proved to me is that I must expect disappointment, and never hope for anything else; yet keep on going because even 1 out of 100 or 1000 will not disappoint; my friends prove that to me.  

I was entirely civil in this message, ended it with a note of forgiveness and well-wishing, but wanted her to think - with one line suggesting that she delivered to me a Judas kiss, giving me a necessary blow to overblown expectations of how people might be.  Alain de Botton has been helpful too in this regard, in praise of pessimism and a health scepticism.  His book was a lovely relief as I painstakingly awaited her late arrival.  

I have a friend who has suggested I not give up on online dating, but the overwhelming consensus of others is that it is a colossal waste of time.  Wanda you described the torture I have been through perfectly, the waiting for responses, building of anticipation of the meeting, and subsequent disappointment.  It has put me through the ringer lately, and I wonder why I bother.  And so many others have come to the same conclusion.  Yes there is testimony of success, everyone has the friend who got married, but that is the exception.

One exception was a young cousin of mine, who married a girl he met online, had a child, and the baby was not even a year old when the mother passed away from some form of brain dysfunction.  Such is the impermanence of life, and my loss is but one of many.  I feel a large grief, and " woe to the one who delivered the kiss " , but it was necessary for me to face reality.  In fact a large part of my journey of late is to face reality as it is, in all its frightful forms.

Wanda thank you for sharing your story and ideas for fulfilment.  I will be meeting with my psychiatrist today and what a pertinent timing!  We will certainly discuss how my life can be better shaped for personal fulfilment.  

Lou, whilst a realistic degree of disappointment towards the human race is necessity, I hope it is not a complete failure!  My last words in the text message to this woman were - " hope less " ; a clever pun but devastatingly true.  My hopes were far too high.  But I want to hold on to at least a little bit of them.

 

" This person was beyond mean and rude " ....Problem is, it seems like most of humanity is like this unless, like you describe Wanda, there is never any emotional investment. Personally, I just seem to attract that type of human, evidenced by my own experience of being 'stood up' on the weekend. I should have known better than to say yes. It wasn't even about love but the desire to maintain a friendship. Now with eyes wide I ask, what friendship?

 This relationship thing is so full of evidence of nastiness and rudeness unless it is kept superficial. These behaviours just seem to be characteristic of the human race. I can wish it wasn't so till the cows come home but reality

is...... Lou

To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Monday, 20 February 2012 2:04 AM

Subject: Re: Hurt

 

I am so sorry , I have also tried the online (and before that, back in the dark ages, when the singles were published in a weekly newspaper). This line from the person you were goint to meet, " that she was highly intuitive and felt it would not work out. " is a total crock of s**t. A highly intuitive person would be aware of the impact of their rudeness on another person, and would have, minimally, shown up for your meeting.

I am not recommending the following! Just sharing the choice I made. What I ended up doing was just stopping. For me the emotional roller coaster of meeting someone, (emotional high, loved life, happy happy happy) enjoying the, sometimes months of seeing each other, (and one that lasted 2 years) only to surprisingly (to me) ending abruptly and then the devastating emotional tailspin. My personal/private life was so heavily impacted by the, supposed `pursuit of happiness' in a relationship---that I was a total total emotional wreck. So I stopped. Just stopped. My last `attempt', that only lasted a few months, was over 11 years ago. I am much older than you, and have been single for 20+ years since my divorce. (He went on to marry someone new within a year and is still married to her.)

Anyway. It can be a painful and disruptive activity, being involved in the pursuit of a mate. I decided it wasn't worth the emotional hurricane I went through looking, during and after any relationship that I found. I was always as emotionally invested in every meeting as it appears to me you are. (This is so exciting, such great emails, this really really could be the one! Let's see, after this meeting what shall we do next? Perhaps we could go out this afternoon and have a wonderful outing and have dinner together?..etc. etc.) Then the painful devastating emotional supersonic crash down into the cement.

So, I am certain that these following words have been repeated, as advice to you, a thousand times. And here is 1,001st. You and your life are more important than any relationship could possible ever be. Period. What in your life brings you enjoyment? What have you thought about investigating or doing but haven't? Pursue and/or find the things that will interest and fulfill you. Something that really really helped me was to learn to folk dance. (beginners always welcome) The Balkan, Bulgarian, North African, middle east music made my heart soar---weekly meetings with nice people, being able to hold hands in huge circle dances, and when I became more brave, dancing in quadrilles, couple line formation dances and then 1:1 dances gave me a wonderful source of joyful human contact, socially and literally, holding hands and dancing.

AND what to explore: what have you wondered about and never had to time to investigate, becoming a docent at a zoo or museum? (Great opportunity for in-depth educations),astronomy, hopefully a university near by with the telescopes available to public and with a planetarium, scrabble or chess club, becoming one of the folks who read to the kids in the library on Sat mornings. Bike or hiking clubs—there really really are new people joining all the time, and you wouldn't be the `only' new person and/or beginner. Is there a community class that you could teach a class at, or enroll in one of the many intriguing classes…..ok. Enough I will stop.

Yes, I think that the ACT exercises, growth, are very valuable for my life, AND I don't have to keep setting myself up for situations that continually test my strength and where I cannot implement the baby steps of the ACT skills I do possess.

I am sorry this is so long. I think I really do know how badly you felt about this meeting. Yet another platitude, it wasn't about you at all. This person was beyond mean and rude. Personally I am glad you didn't meet her. From her side, she sounds quite miserable herself, setting herself up to create hurt and anger that then was projected at her (your texts to her) and having her behavior become `your fault' ….and now, see how `intuitive' she was? You were hurt and angry—her intuition was right. My guess, is that her `intuition' has been keeping her out of any kind of relationship for a very very long time, if even ever.

Thanks for reading to the end of this tome, and virtual hugs for you after having lived through such a painful and demoralizing occurrence. Wanda in NM