Kissing the tiles...

[Guest guest]

I haven't done this yet, well, not in such a graphical way.I've been following the latest discussion on AA and the 12 steps. I've had experience of neither.Seems to me that all such discussions reduce to one fundamental question: whether to live or die.I think this because I believe people in or contemplating 12 steps or other palliatives are at a crucial crossroads; they hate their lives/selves enough to think about the ultimate exit, but don't hate their lives/selves enough to take that ultimate, fateful step.I'm not there. I don't think I've even come very close. It could be said that I "toy" with the idea; ie, I really want someone to come rescue me.That's a fantasy, isn't it? There won't be a rescue, will there?For a large part of the time I've been a conscious inhabitant of this planet, I've taken some pleasure in thinking of myself as a misanthrope. I'm not really sure why this is so. It's not as though my life's been a "vale of tears," although I have as many sob stories as anyone you've likely encountered.I'm not even sure why I've bothered to write this. And that, too, is a lie.I'm in the strange position of seeing no particular reason to live, yet seeing no reason to die, even though I just want to go to an eternal sleep with each day that passes, mostly because the dreams I'm aware of having always seem so more beguiling than my wakeful experience.The late Lennon's words come to mind: "Whatever gets you through the night."I think there are as many answers as there are people. But for some of us, the answer's yet to be written.Fuck the lot of us.